Siblings and Jealousy

So here I go again, I turn to all of you!! My Lifeline!

Connor is having a VERY hard time adjusting. I have DONE ALL the things the textbooks say...getting him ready before the baby came, to having them come to the hospital every day to see me, to coming in the house first, big brother gifts, mommy gifts, alone time, etc...

I just don't know what to do anymore. I yell at him constantly..which, I know, is wrong...but because of the lack of sleep I have limited patience. Sean is doing well with him...as long as I find time with him alone, he's okay (And hes the one we were worried about). The thing is, Connor is not my cuddly one...yet, he is VERY attached to me...so I can;t remedy this with hugs and kisses (that sean needs), since Connor never seems to want them (unless he wants one when hes tired, etc). His behavior is atrocious. Every little thing sets him off. Anything that resembles a "no", is a full on HUGE fit. He throws, hits, kicks, etc. He goes into the fridge and freezer, takes what he wants...opens drawers just to empty them, gets into the bathroom, my make up, etc. You name it, and he does it...ALL WHEN I AM BREASTFEEDING AND CAN'T GET UP! Hes not stupid, he knows that he is getting the negative attention from me....

I just don't get it though. I have gone out of my way to give him positive attention.....I sit, build blocks with him, take him to the store alone, praise him highly when he does what I ask...tell him wha t a good big brother he is, take him for walks, etc. He used to do these things on occasion, like your typical toddler,,,but now ITS CONSTANT!!!!! I am at my witts end, and I don't know what to do!

Is this normal? Will it stop? What should I do? Consider pre-school 2 days a week for him? WE do arts and crafts, puzzles, and things like that here all the time..I dont think he NEEDS preschool except to maybe get away from here and all this madness. Since he harldy phisically epxpresses him self (Like I said, hes not a cuddler), how else do I show him I love him? Do I just continue what Im doing? I know this has to be hard for them..it HAS to...I just hope its a phase.

It doesnt help we are all sick too....got nasty colds. Im tired to yelling at him and punishing him. He still needs to know this is not acceptable behavior...but he tunes me out now like I don't exist (yet, throws a fit if I leave the room).

I'm at a loss. I would love some of your stories with this and suggestions...thank you!

 

I will be sharing the advice you receive here with my sister. She has a two year old and a 2 week old baby. SHe is struggling with the 2 year old. Nursing is horrible because he tries to pull the baby off her.

 

I didnt read all your post (sorry) but I wanted to let you know that I am going through the SAME THING with my 3 1/2 year old. She is currently in daycare, almost home full time and I see the same thing. I think it is the age, but we have tried EVERYTHING! Giving attention, taking away things, special time, together time....nothing works. I figure the consistancy will pay off in the long run, but it sure is tiring!

 

I didn't have this issue, but my 2 1/2 year olds behavior has been awful latley, so we have been doing a sticker chart. It took about 2 days and there was a huge difference in her behavior! We let up on the stickers and she has fallen back inot her bad behavior. Good Luck!

 

QUOTE(ames4 @ Nov 4 2007, 04:19 PM) [snapback]480624[/snapback]
I didn't have this issue, but my 2 1/2 year olds behavior has been awful latley, so we have been doing a sticker chart. It took about 2 days and there was a huge difference in her behavior! We let up on the stickers and she has fallen back inot her bad behavior. Good Luck!



Yeah we have a sticker chart. They love it, but it ends up in arguments there too. They want to just keep putting stickers on, and I have to eventually stop them. I dont think they entirly get it but we are sticking with that!

 

I should add we only do stickers before bed each night. It helps get her in bed without any arguments.

We also have decided to get her a piggy bank and give her one coin for every sticker she earns. I think I will go to the .99cent store and buy a bunch of toys and let her cash in her coins and pick something from the "mommy store". And if she gets x amount of coins in a certain time frame she can go to Toys R Us and pick out a toy.

Again, Good Luck!

 

Oh Mandy, I would love to offer solutions but my house has been about the same. Adam's and Ben's misbehavior was already ramping up right before Steven was born and once he came home, it exploded. They had already been in preschool for three half-days each week and I stepped it up to four half-days in September. It really does seem like a lot to me but I decided they would get more activity and stimulation out of being there than they would throwing tantrums at home. Also, a couple of months ago, I finally decided that it wasn't worth the 90+ minutes of screaming and threatening to try to get them to take a nap so I just started skipping it and now there is no more afternoon nap :cray:. That makes the preschool time a much needed respite for baby and me.

Breastfeeding does bring out the worst in them. They realized mighty fast that they could act out the most during that time. They would do everything they knew they weren't allowed to do. They would even walk right up to me and slap the baby on the head (hard enough to make him cry). There has been some other horrid behavior that even had me locking myself and the baby in my bedroom so the wild bunch couldn't hurt him.

Things are slowing improving these days. Timeouts involve a forced separation where I actually drag their naughty butts up the stairs and close the gate at the top (yes, we still use gates) so they can't come back down. I close and lock all the doors up there except the one to their bedroom. Usually, only one boy at a time is up there in timeout and neither of them like being left alone up there. This is an automatic punishment if I have to stop feeding the baby because of their behavior. I haven't had to do a timeout like that in a couple of weeks which is good because they're really heavy. I know that you've just had a c-section so you can't really be dragging your kids up and down steps but maybe you can establish a timeout zone in a place where he can't see you. It's a brutal punishment for a kid who's very attached but that's why it's effective. Use gates to enforce the timeout if you need to. (My kids would never stay there on their own - though they do at school <_<.)

When I need to feed Steven, I first take a few minutes to put out an activity (play dough is big these days) or a snack for the boys to work at and keep busy. I also try to put something interesting on TV for them (not ideal but effective).

Finally, another thing that helped is a bunch of new toys. Well, new to them. Most of them I picked up at our multiples club consignment sale. I know it sounds like they're pathetically spoiled but I hadn't realized that they had really outgrown a lot of their toys in the house and they needed some new stimulation. My guys had just turned three when Steven was born and they really were done with most of their toddler toys. We even got them two low-end computers at Best Buy (about $300 each) and they have learned how to play several preschool games by themselves. (We had always planned to get them computers around this age.) Now they can play on their computers while I'm breastfeeding.

Ugh, sorry for the book. And hang in there, it will improve in a few months. Keep trying new solutions until you see some success.

ETA: Sticker charts didn't work for us at all. They couldn't have cared less.

 

I think the acting up during BF is very common. Rachel was about their age when the babies came. She watched Dora so much that I had them memorized word for word I also set up a kitchen drawer with snacks she could help herself to & made sure she always had a full sippy (no open cups allowed on the carpet). This might be where your inlaws & living arrangement can really work to your advantage. What if they came over for one or two feedings a day - you could BF in your/his bedroom & they could have Grandparent attention in the family room/toy room. Rachel started preschool in September - she was 3y3m -she loves it. She enjoys the other kids/new toys & they keep her so busy she is exhausted wheh she comes home it's just five hours a week - Mon & Tues 9-11:30. It is a pain getting everyone in the car for drop off/pick up but I think it's good for her to have time away from the babies & it's nice for me, Hannah & Natalie to have our own time too. I know you're not wild about your inlaws babysitting but maybe they could just stay with the baby while you ran out to drop off Connor & Sean - at least if he was sleeping/nasty weather. Do you have a play yard? Maybe put himin there with a few toys. He will hate it but you can tell him when his behavior is acceptable then he won't have to go in during BF. :hug99:

 

Same thing happened at my house when I brought the twins home. It was a nightmare. My oldest dd was unfortunately getting yelled at constantly. I felt so terrible. I did everything everyone told me just like you and none of it worked. The only thing that did work was time. Things did eventually get better. It is rough though. Sorry I dont have a whole lot of advice I just wanted you to know I have been there.

 

I'm not in any position to give advice here since I'm not in your shoes...yet. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You must be incredibly frustrated, and exhausted. I know how you feel about screaming but when you are as tired as you are, it's almost an automatic reflex/response. It's harder not to scream than to do so. The only thing I thought of (and I don't know if your kids are too old for this) is to fully childproof or re-childproof your house. I don't know if you have already done so and they know how to get through all the childproof locks but it could help with some of your sanity in terms of not having to deal with cleaning up everything constantly on top of everything else you have going on. Putting some kind of lock on the doors that they can't get into those rooms, putting locks on kitchen drawers and the fridge and freezer (if these even work?) and putting gates (if he's not already climbing over them) to confine him to certain areas or keep him away from others? I'm sorry I don't have any real advice on the behavior. As I said I haven't been through it and haven't read up on it so I just don't know but I would think what he is going through is somewhat normal? Also, I think Pre-school could be a very positive thing for him and a very much needed sanity break for you. I wouldn't feel bad about it. He will get to have a safe outlet to release his energy, play, and be around other kids and an additional adult (the teacher/s) who can also give him a little attention in addition to ALL the love and attention you give him now. Best of luck Mandy and I hope you are able to work things out quickly.