Sibling Rivalry! Help!

Hi, I am new to this board. I have 6 yr old boy/girl twins. We are really having a challenge with the competitivenss, jealousy and good ol sibling rivalry. My two compete, one-up and argue constantly. Honestly, it drives us nuts! But what we have noticed lately is that they are now competing for friends. In one instance, my daughter had a play date with a friend from her class. My DS was home too, and although they are in different K classes, they all know each other. So my DD, as usual, wanted her friend to play only with her. I can understand...she shares everything else, this was HER friend and thats how she wanted it. But my DS is very friendly and charming and wanted to play too. DD gets mad, which drives friend to play with DS, and DD ended up in the closet crying. Also, our neighborhood is full of kids that they play with daily. I've noticed that my DD has just started staying home alot more. I think she just can't stand the idea that they might play with DS more, and that feels like some type of rejection to her. I feel her pain, I know it hurts her. Looking back, she has always been this way, she has always felt rejected when her Dad & I didn't make her the center of attention. Now she tells us "You hate me" or "You don't love me". It breaks my heart, but I tell her that DS needs time too and thats just the way it is. If anything, she get way more special time and dedicated one and one with us then DS. But its never enough. I don't know how to explain this too her...I've tried everything. Sorry to go on so long. Any ideas?

 

Sorry to hear you're having to go through that and even sorrier to report I'm not sure if I have any good suggestions.

Perhaps it will be less of an issue for you as your twins get older since they are boy/girl twins. My 7-year-old twin boys experience a lot of what you mention in your post and I haven't figured out any magic solutions yet. One thought is that the friend's issue is probably more evident at home than in school; they probably have their own friendships at school (as long as they are in different classes).

I do think it's very important for twins to develop their own friendships; I recall feeling left out when I was 8-10 in that most of the friends my twin brother and I had were friends with both of us, not just one of us, and it's tough on other kids to be forced into that kind of menage-a-trois friendship thing.

Again, no solutions to offer you but just a response that other parents of twins in that age group go through the same issues and it's fairly common, in my opinion.

 

I think if DD has the playdate, DS should be encouraged to do something else.

Perhaps they can both have a playdate with friends from their classes, on the same date? You could try having different activities, for each pair. I also have 6 year-old b/g twins. When the girl from up the street comes to play, my DS sometimes feels left out, but when her older brother (7 yrs) is added to the mix, they all have a great time.

If only one child has a playdate, maybe the other one can do a special activity that isn't normally allowed. For example, when my DD had a playdate, we let DS play video games for a longer period of time than usual.

Good luck.

 

We do a lot of the things Cathy suggested. Also, if one has a playdate at our house, I try to arrange a playdate for the other one at someone else's house. That way they both have their "own" time with their friends. Since mine are the same sex, they do have mutual friends, and for those they seem to work it out.

 

I think Cathy and Sharon had some good ideas. I just wanted to add that I really like the book Siblings Without Rivalry. It is really about changing the way you react to arguments and giving your children the skills to work out disagreements for themselves.

Oh and :sign0016: to Twinstuff BTW!