should i seperate them next year in school?

my twins are in preschool - they are in the two year old class this year and next year the three year old class. they are in the same class this year and i wanted to keep them together next year as well. their teacher feels i should seperate them next year. he thinks they feed off of eachother and if one doesn't engage, the other won't either. anyone have experience with this and what did you do?

 

When my boys were around 22 months, I enrolled them in a Kid's Day Out program. They only had one classroom per age group so they were together until they started preschool on their 3rd birthday this January so a little over a year.

I wanted them in seperate classrooms for preschool. I have one who is very dominant and social and his brother usually just does whatever his brother wants him to do. I wanted them to be able to have their own friends and do their own thing without checking out what the other was doing.

It took them about 2 weeks to adjust but now they are doing great. My only worry is that I am enrolling them again over the summer for KDO since they don't qualify for the preschool summer program. The preschool classrooms have kids from 3-5 so they will be in the same classrooms again with the same teachers this fall, I doubt we'll have the meltdowns we did in January.

They go to school 4 days a week from noon-2:30 and they do seem to interact better the rest of the day. I think having that time apart gives them a well needed break from each other.

 

Here's a link to a website that I think sets out the arguments on both sides of the issue pretty well: http://ceep.crc.illinois.edu/poptopics/twins.html. It also has links to other sites/articles devoted to the issue. The consensus among experts these days seems to be against automatic, mandatory separation of multiples. The decision should be made on a case-by-case basis, taking into account how dependent the multiples are on each other, how the multiples are developing academically and socially, and how disruptive the multiples are to the classroom environment.

 

thanks guys. the link does not work..

 

Remove the period at the end of the url.

http://ceep.crc.illinois.edu/poptopics/twins.html

 

Frankly IMO it's best to separate twins when you can. They need to learn to interact with other kids without their sibling close, make their own friends etc. I believe it's SO important for them to be able to have their own individuality.

I'm biased though, I have a twin sister and we were together in elementary school and grade school and I really wish we hadn't been. I never got my own friends until I was 14, and there were way more issues of jealousy, rivalry and friends than if we had been separated.

I just hope I'll get the option for my kids. I'm not sure how many classrooms they have... for preschool we're stuck with them together, but I really don't want to have them at two separate times either.

 

Our kids go to a home daycare, but we have just recently decided to separate when they become school age. We just feel like DD would overshadow DS and this would create problems for him. I am nervous they will miss each other too much (they have always been together) but think it will be the best for them.

 

I strongly disagree with you here. Just because they are twins does not mean they need to be separated. Many twins can make their own friends regardless if their sibling is with them or not.

However, I feel that their preschool teacher probably does know what would be best for them in an academic setting and you probably should strongly consider their opinion. I spoke with my girls' preschool teacher to see what we should do next year for Kindergarten and she felt that they needed to stay together because they have made their own friends and have excelled academically this year. So, I really think taking your childrens' teacher's opinion on this one might be your best choice. If you just aren't comfortable with separating them, ask their next teacher to separate them into different groups within the classroom, this might be a good compromise.

 

We have done both since they were infants - kept them together and moved them individually. While they rarely play together in class and have very different interests and their own friends they still depend on each other - something we didn't see until we really separated them for more than a couple of months. In that time they both became more rounded. The one who wasn't talking as much suddenly took off IMO because his brother wasn't there to talk for him. And that was just one of a dozen changes we noticed. I firmly believe they needed the separation to grow as individuals. They are much more independant now. And their self-confidence is really growing. It has also resulted in a marked difference in the fighting at home. They play together much better than they ever have before and seem to enjoy their time together.

I won't lie though. The transition at first was heart-breaking. They missed each other like crazy and in our case were so young they really didn't understand why the other one wasn't there. Now they understand and it's no big deal. They pass each other on the playground (one goes out when the other comes in) and they always run up and give each other hugs. It's really sweet.

 

If i end up seperating them, they will be only three. I am torn. I never would have considered seperating them at this age until the teacher mentioned something to me. I am going to speak to the teacher further about it before I make up my mind though.. I always knew I would seperate them eventually but figured I'd wait until kindergarden at least. The problem isn't exactly making friends, as much as just negative behavior feeding off eachother. For example they will look to eachother if one isn't participating then neither will. If one is upset, the other will get upset too in class according to the teacher. It is hard because I am not there and don't see what it going on. I thought of asking to sit in, but realize it would be pointless because they would act very different if I am there. Anyways thanks everyone who has responded so far, and if anyone else has any advice, experiences, I'm listening.

 

My boys were seperated at 14 months. We had no plans on seperating them that early. They attend school 3 days a week. They were seperated for the exact reasons you list. Behavior issues. They were feeding off each other. Getting into trouble. Not listening. It was not only disruptive for them it was disruptive for the entire class. Not fair for anyone.

Connor got sick and was out for two days. Logan had wonderful days without his brother in the room. He performed better then the 2 year olds. He listened, followed directions, participated, etc. So we talked to the coordinator about seperating them. They were very happy we came to them about it because they were trying to decide how to approach us. So often parents are not open to seperating or can be reluctant even if it is for the good.

We have no regrets. It has been a great experience for both of them. They do see each other periodically throughout the day. It has not harmed their bond. In fact I think it has made it stronger. I can tell after 4 days at home that they are ready for a break from each other. Yes they miss each other and the first thing they ask for when I pick them us is to go get their twin. Overall it has been very positive.

 

My two are 3 and are in the same class at MDO this year. They will start preschool in Sept. DH and I did NOT want them seperated in preschool. We were completely against it. We didn't see the point. One does not seem to be dominate over the other, they seem to make and play with their own friends, it has not been an issue this year, etc... However, we have recently changed our minds. They have started to fight non-stop. We feel like at this point they need a break from each other. They are with each other 24/7. I am beginning to see (at least in our case) that 4 hours a day away from each other might be a good thing. So, we will be splitting them up for preschool. Good Luck with whatever you decide. It is a hard deciscion to make. I don't know that I could have done it at age 3, but luckily we weren't forced to make a decision until now when they will be 4.

 

To me it's to early, jessy would have been hysterical. They went to prek together and will go to kinder together too. Their prek teach said she thinks theyd be fine either way. Jessy cried the first month of prek even with jazz with her so we didn't want to risk that in kinder due to separation. We will re evaluate after kinder. They have several friends and do play separate a lot now.

 

the truth is i think it might be better for one of my twins but harder for the other. benifitial for one, but hurt the other possibly. what would you do in that situation? still not sure though. interesting point about it helping them get along better when they are together.. they do fight a lot so that part makes it tempting. but then again they also play and sing songs that they learned in school together!

 

Honestly and I apologize if I offend. They are 2 or 3. They are learning more from interacting and watching than from sitting in circle time. If it is going to hurt one of them to be separate from his brother, I say leave them together. This age is not one where you want to reinforce separation anxiety, you want to help calm it down.

Also, I view my twins as no different than any other two individual kids in the class. If the teacher had two kids who grew up close, he/she should be able to get both to engage despite the close bond. I understand twins are closer but at the same time, really? is it impossible to get them to engage? Perhaps you can tell the teacher how you get them to pay attention at home (if that works at this age) when they are so interested in each other.

Mine are together right now and even though they prefer to play with each other, the teachers tell me they play with other kids just fine and play alone just fine. The teachers however, go out of their way to give them separate time. They sit them at different tables for eating and they have different spots in circle time. Perhaps you could ask that they be in the same class but some distance be put between them?

 

Mine are together and refuse to even acknowledge each other at school. Alice is too busy playing with the girls and Roycie is too busy playing with the boys.

 

Ditto to this.

I am having a hard time understanding what the point in separating them would be? They are twins and are going to be twins for life, it is a special and unique bond and why not nurture that bond instead of trying to separate them?? I am hoping my girls will be in the same classes and will encourage the same for kindergarten and beyond. When they are older maybe they will ask to be in separate classes and we will revisit it then. Maybe I am missing something??

 

The point you are missing is if being together may hurt them. When one is upset, the other gets upset. I don't know... this is what their teacher tells me. Then again, if one is upset, and the other gets upset too - is that so bad - it just shows they love/care about eachother. I actually set up a meeting to discuss this with the school so we will see.

 

I hope the meeting goes well...

I personally would trust their teachers. They are the ones that are with them during school and see how each of them learn and interact with others.

Having a singleton first I tend to think my mindset is a bit off... I have no problems with my two being apart and encourage it. I would have left it up to the teachers whether to keep them together or seperate. I understand that one has a problem with it but mine get over things so fast that I wouldn't worry too much about it. They come home with each other and spend all time outside of preschool class together so what's a couple hours ardon:

I hope that you feel better after the meeting and I really don't think you can go wrong either way.

 

I guess what I'm wondering is if they are separated and another child gets upset will they get upset as well?? My girls don't like seeing anyone upset and that has nothing to do with the fact that they are twins, it's just who they are.

That's good you have a meeting with the school. Should you feel strongly one way or another for separation or against it, I say you stick with that feeling. You are their mom and you know what will be best for your kids.

 

My boys cannot even be separated at home if one sleeps 3 minutes longer! There is NO WAY I would separate them!! I don't see a need for it. I LOVE their bond and see absolutely nothing wrong w/ them staying in school together. I have a strong feeling they will be living together at forty. LOL. I would've done ANYTHING to have a twin to be with me in school. I was a very very timid child and HATED HATED HATED school. I don't want them to have to deal w/ losing their sib while going thru the "school thing." I think you really really really need to go with YOUR gut and heart and cannot take advice from anyone else. It's SUCH a personal choice.

 

I agree with both of these statements. I don't really think there is a right or wrong answer either way. Like I said in a previous post, DH and I were admantly against seperating them until just recently. Now, we see that (with our case) seperating them will be a good thing.... a REALLY good thing for DD. She needs a break from DS. DS gets upset whenever we talk about them in seperate classes, but I am confident that he will adjust to it in no time at all. Hopefully, in the next 3 months he will warm up to the idea.

Good Luck with whatever you decide! AND....Good Luck with the meeting!

 

It's always greener on the other side. It's not so much fun when your twin gets in with the 'popular' kids and you don't. The thing is... the decision is not for you. It's for your children. I've seen twins who still live together at 25 and it's CREEPY. I want my kids to grow into individuals, be able to make their own decisions, have their own friends, their own social life, their own interests, be able to function in a social environment without having their twin around, and have enough self confidence and self esteem to know that they are worth something.

If they ignore each other for most of the class(I just don't think it happens much), I think they can stay together, but you'll have to be on top of them to make sure that, really, everything is fine. Otherwise, there is NO doubt in my mind that it's best to separate. You wouldn't keep your 1 year apart children together, would you? Even if they do so well in school that you're afraid to separate, you have to ask yourself if it's really necessary to keep them together... because in the long run, one of them will always have lower grades, have a harder time understanding things, and feel as the 'lesser twin' (it's so much easier to compare when you have the same teacher and the same tests). And that 'twin bound' you love so much might not survive years of competition or friendship drama - please believe me, I'm speaking from experience.

Your kids will be compared to each other all the time. They'll be categorized as a unit all the time. They'll share the same birthday, sometimes some gifts, sometimes after school classes (all the twins I've known wanted to do the same sports - I'm hoping I'll catch a break there with b/g twins). I think that they deserve some time as an individual, to learn to assert themselves as a person, and not as a unit, without having to worry about what the other twin will think, or what having the other twin around will do. The bond you like so much between them will still be there in the afternoon and during week ends, when they get back from school.

Heck, think about some good times you had with your friends or something when you were in school age. Now imagine if your sister/brother had been with you... not so much fun after all, is it? Don't get me wrong, I had good times with my sister, but I definitely felt liberated once we got into high school. Now, I won't deny that my parents totally dropped the ball as well, but I can't imagine that it's easy to see what's happening when you only see your kids in the evening and that they don't really want to talk about it.

Just think about it.

 

My boys have never been in the same class at school, all the way back to 3 year old preschool. They are different boys, with different needs. Actually, at 3 1/2 we had to pull one of the boys from preschool, so he could go to the preschool disabled program due to a severe expressive speech delay--so at 3 and 4 they weren't even in the same school. Much of what we have experienced has already been said, and I won't repeat.

But, a here are some of the reasons I wanted them separate: they feed off each other, and that is not fair to the teacher or other kids to deal with their behavior. One (actually the one who was in the special needs preschool) was reading at age 3 1/2, and I didn't want his brother to feel that he was behind (obviously, he wasn't, but at 3 he didn't understand). I also didn't think it would be fair for them to be in a position to compare themselves or to have teachers comparing them. The final, and probably most important reason, was feedback from my MIL. She was the ID twin who was never separated from her sister, and even made to dress alike all through school. She never protested because that is "the way it just was", and there wasn't an option. She was also the dependent twin. She is now 60, and can't stand to talk about her sister. You see, her sister died 35 years ago from breast cancer, and she was so dependent on her twin, that she doesn't even know how to talk about her without loosing it. She told me not to do that to my boys.

My boys are still together on all sports teams, and at Hebrew school. Now they go to a camp where they are together as well. So, separating them in school does not mean they are forever apart. I also think that their behavior is much better when they are apart. They also have experiences to share with one another, so they have more to talk about.

Oh yeah, the boy who wasn't reading early, has now caught up and surpassed his brother in reading, and they are both way ahead academically. If they were in the same class, I don't know that he would have caught up, because he would have beat himself up that he wasn't "matching up" to his brother.

 

My preschool teacher told me only once in 20 years she recommend separating twins in her class, it was because they would get physical with each other and it wasn't getting better. I do plan on separating them in at least the first grade (At least that is the plan now). For two reasons, my girls are at very different levels right now and I don't want to polarize that in a classroom setting and two I've heard from countless twin adults that it was great that they were separated (friends, getting a break from each other for just a few hours, less competition in the classroom) I had one of those "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha" older sisters and we were in the same high school for just a year, it was brutal to say the least, I can’t imagine the same classroom! That being said my DDs are not dependant on each other today and apparently don’t really interact at school—I think they are just so excited to be around other kids.
That being said I don’t think having them dependant on each other is a bad thing. We all seek a lifetime friendship and partnerships. If they want to have a double wedding, live next door to each other and run a business together (true story for our friends!!) I think that’s awesome and something we should embrace.

 

I am very interested in this topic! I feel like it is definitely different for each set of twins and whether they are ID/frat, boys/girls, Boy/girl. If I had to choose today, I would separate my girls. They love playing together, but fight a bit and when we separate them (one goes with mom, one stays with dad) they really enjoy that time. I'm also concerned that because they are identical, that they will constantly be compared within the classroom setting which may be difficult on one or both of them. I want them to build their own identity outside of being a twin. I want them to make their own friends and not always be referred to as "the twins" (that's my pet peeve for sure). I do completely understand why some people keep their children together and when my girls start preschool next year, we may decide at that time that its the best decision. This is just how I feel about it now.