Should I give in to him?

My son is super clingly compared to my girls. The girls were sleeping on their own, had a nighttime ritual, etc..

My son, on the other hand - no matter HOW HARD we try for the nighty ritual, he keeps reverting. At one point I had him laying by himself in bed and going to sleep after story and songs.. The last couple of nights though - if I so much as try to leave the room he is SCREAMING. Last night he actually ended up sleeping with his sister becuase I couldn't handle it (DH is deployed right now) and refused to stay in the room with him. Tonite he tried to start, and we went back and forth THREE times between rooms cuz he couldn't decided if he wanted to sleep alone or with sister (which I'm perfectly fine with and WISH that he would)

The thing is, when he's like this, he doesn't just want you in the room. He's not happy unless he has you in a chokehold with his arm around your neck. When I refused tonite and just tried to hold his hand - he got this totally degected look on his face, like I was abandoning him or something. Am I?? Do I just need to give in and let him fall asleep like this? Generally he'll sleep the whole night (now, when DH was home he'd still wake up and rope DH into sleeping with him) so it's not like when/if he wakes up he still needs someone there... I just don't think he needs someone there to help him fall asleep after stories and songs have been completed... I'm not just leaving him in his room with NO bedtime ritual.

I'm torn - what do I do with him?? He will be 3 in July.

 

sounds like a lovely power struggle... not sure what to do, but if you give in to him, it won't end, will it?

will anything like a night light help? or light on in the hallway? what about a new special bed toy/animal/light... personally I need the space, and I need them to go to sleep on their own... so I haven't started anything like that. BUT saying that, it only takes ONE time of doing something for them to want to make that into a routine! my dd now wants to "snuggle" afte we nurse... I say sure, and count to 10. I do a lot of counting to 10 for things... it gives them a specified amount of time, and they know when the end is coming.

for breaking a habit it's a lot harder than just the one time that it seems to take to create a new habit. But I've broken several of the obnoxious bedtime habits over time... I'm not sure that I'd let him go in with a sister either, seems that's just a ploy to avoid bedtime... I say give it a week and really try hard to just get him to bedtime on his own. Even if that means books in his bed with a night light... at least he's in his bed... And maybe a sticker chart when he goes to bed by himself. or a chocolate chip in the morning! (I did those for waking up dry, and made a big deal about them the first week, then didn't mention but would give them when they asked and now it's rare that they ask, but I give it to them when they've asked and if they are dry).

good luck! you will be glad in the end when he goes to sleep on his own.

 

You are not abandoning him. He's just wanting what he wants. If you know he's all right, going in there to soothe him is giving him exactly what he wants...but not necessarily what he needs.

Lately, my boys want me to lay in bed with them when I put them to bed. I will, but I tell them I will lay with them for one minute. They understand that this means, I"m not staying through the night and they will have to let me go. I say a minute, I mean it. I'll snuggle and or talk with them for that minute...whatever they need, but not that I gave a time limit, it can't last all night. It works very well.

I used to have some troubles with Cameron. He was adjusting to his new school schedule poorly and he's scream at night when I'd leave the room. I knew he was ok, so I didn't come back in to his room unless he sounded that desperate. I would lay him back down, but no words or barely made any eye contact. Then I'd leave. That would be it. A few nights of this and he would start crying less and less. Soon, he stopped crying when I left. He is back to being a good sleeper. On a rare occasion, he'll cry again. I will go back in to check on him, but when he's not sick and it's not a nightmare, I'll only come in that one time. Then that's it. He knows I mean business. He'll try to push a boundary sometimes, but he knows I wont' stick around. He also knows I love him to pieces. In the morning, he's happy and ready for fun and adventure. Kiefer lately also has been needing the extra attention, but he's an excellent sleeper. Once he's in bed, he's out for the night. It's very rare for him to get up and cry after he goes to bed.

CIO works for me. I hate it. I hate listening to them. I just want to go back in to their rooms and hold them all night, but I can't function that way.

In your situation, you do have to consider your son's feelings of his daddy not being around for long periods of time. Don't feel guilty about this. Your DH has a job and unfortunately, your son may be feeling his absence. He may be having a hard time dealing with it, but life at home does go on and he'll pick up on that. He'll understand that sleep is sleep no matter what. Daddy will be coming home and you will be there every morning. Once this routine gets going, he'll feel more confident that he's all right. You are certainly not abandoning him. You are doing what you need to as a mom to make sure he's getting a good night's sleep and feeling secure.

 

Every child is different and every family is different. Maybe co-sleeping with you or a sibling, at least staying and cuddling with him at bedtime until he is really in a deep sleep, is what he truly needs and the best solution for all of you. This is especially true if your DH's deployment has added uncertainty to his life. But this only works if it works for the mom too and you do not resent it.

We co-sleep. We had not planned to but we found that the babies seemed to need it after I went back to work and the nights were much more peaceful for all of us. Both DH and I had a hard time with co-sleeping at some times and have had days when we hated it but once we decided to give it a try with our hearts in the experiment and not a forced feeling it started working well for the whole family.

What we do is have the bedtime ritual on the big bed and let the children cuddle up to us until they are asleep. Once they are in a deep sleep they often roll away from us and we leave the room and go about our evening and join the children sometime later. I do not think they wake more often than they would if sleeping alone (obviously I don't know because we have never tried) and knowing that we are there if they do wake seems to help them feel safe and really sleep peacefully. I also have a close friend who does the same for bedtime but in the children's bedroom, so the kids share a big bed and stay there for the night but there is enough space for a parent to join them comfortably if need be.

 

I don't think you're abandoning him but it's true that some children need more attention and comfort to feel secure and happy than others.
I think you can "give in" to what he wants/needs to a certain extent without it meaning that you will end up giving in to his every whim and loosing all control. The important thing is to decide what you are comfortable and happy with and where you want the line to be drawn.

For example it sounds from your post that you would not mind sitting and holding his hand after stories while he falls asleep. That could be a good compromise between leaving him on his own to fall asleep (your ideal way) and lying next to him so he can hold onto you (his ideal way). At nearly 3 he should be able to understand if you explain to him that is what's going to happen. Tell him that after his stories you will sit next to him and hold his hand until he falls asleep, but if he chooses to scream you will leave the room. Then if you do have to leave the room give him a couple of minutes before going back in (assuming he's still upset at that point, which it sounds like he would be) and offering him the choice again-you will sit and hold his hand if he wants but he has to lie quietly. Repeat as necessary until he's asleep. After a while (like a month) you could try switching from 'until you fall asleep' to 'five minutes' and then gradually reduce the time to only one or two minutes.
As far as being in his own room or with his sister I would give him the choice once, at the beginning of the bedtime routine. Once he has picked a room that is it for the night, no swapping over.

I think that whatever you decide you want to do (co-sleep, sit with him, use a star chart, let him CIO) it is really important to explain to him what will be happening from now on. Bring it up a few of times throughout the day and go through it again just before the bedtime routine. Then stick to your guns and give it at least 2 weeks before deciding if it's working or not.

Good luck, I hope you can figure out something that works for both of you.

 

Thanks guys. At least I feel a little better about the abanonment issue...

CIO has never worked with him. We tried. He'd cry all night long, for several nights, and end up waking his sisters up... He NEVER let up, it never lessened (Like it did with his sister) so.....

We've tried giving him books to read. He has a CD player that plays classical music all night, and he has more than a nightlight, we leave a lamp on for him. I've also tried the nightlight and he screams bloody murder becuase he's scared of the dard. Another bad habit my DH started while I was deployed last year... (We have taken turns the last two summers being gone)

Thing is, when he was a baby he was a PERFECT sleeper, becuase I refused to repeat the same mistake that we made with his sisters (holding them till they fell asleep, them becoming dependant on that, etc) But then we got a Captains bed, and he was nursing and very much more of a night nurser than anything, so he actually did end up co-sleeping with us until he was about 14 months old. I deployed when he was 18 months, and he ended up co-sleeping with DH while I was gone cuz DH couldn't handle him getting up at night (Until I left, he had been sleeping in his toddler bed all night) Once I got back, we bought him a twin bed and he started sleeping again, but after a couple of weeks he had DH roped into sleeping in his bed with him. So basically he has been co-sleeping for the past 2 years of his life. It's time to stop, becuase it carries over into daily life as well. He wants to be held ALL THE TIME. I can't carry him and do housework, make dinner, give his sisters attention, etc...

I will try the time limit and see how well that works. Thanks again for all the help!