She's Just Not That Into Them...

This afternoon I went to my friend’s son’s 2nd birthday party just with DD. A completely kind stranger complimented my daughter’s sweet demeanor and beautiful blue eyes. She asked to hold my daughter and spent the next few minutes talking to her and making her smile. I saw more genuine interest towards my sweet baby girl from a complete stranger than from my own mother. I can count on both hands the number of times she’s spent with my twins since they were born nearly 11-months ago.

My mom’s had a hard life and a lot of bad things have happened to her, including her divorce from my dad. I don’t disregard that in the least and I know they have contributed to the angry person she is…yet she is present for my sister’s children, who are six and 2 ½. She picks my niece up from Kindergarten, she watches the kids whenever my sister asks. My sister and mom have always been closer…and I’m closer to my dad. It has always hurt but I’m not thinking about myself anymore…I’m hurting for my babies. They have very loving grandparents in my own father and my husband’s parents (who live back east)…but my mom who lives the closest (20 minutes away) has been over to my house maybe 10 times since we moved in almost four years ago.

The final straw: my DH suggested we invite my Mom along to DS’s first haircut. So I sent my mom a nice e-mail expressing that we’d love her to join us (I know she accompanied my sister to both my niece and nephew’s first haircuts) … her response: she’s too tired and she’s going to rest on Sunday when we go. She says that about everything, bails out on everything, and has no real interest in her grandkids.

My greatest fear is that my babies will pick up on this and feel like second class citizens when they realize their grandma plays favorites. I will NOT stand for it. I do believe in karma and that one day she will regret it and wonder why her grandchildren don’t gravitate to her like they will to those grandparents who are involved and adore them. It pains me so much because my babies are the sweetest most innocent beings and I never ever want to seem them hurt…

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I know they are still very young and not aware of all of this but before long they will be and I wrestle with the idea of cutting my mom out completely (she’s already basically cut me out)…as my mom, I do want her to have a relationship with them but as their mom, I will do everything in my being to shield them from any hurt….it’s so hard….

**FYI: This is not the first time I've posted about my mom...it hasn't gotten to me in awhile and it did today***

 

:hug: !! I am going through something very similar. My mother in law refused to even acknowledge that I was pregnant, and my mom was soooo excited. I figured it was ok that mil didn't care about our babies when I've seen my mom with my nieces and nephews (I have 4 sisters and she is really close with the kids that are close by).

Sicnce the birth, my MIL has been around every night loving on our babies...it was an amazing transformation. (her and I don't get along that well)

My mom has shown no interest, I have to go to her house for her to see them (she lives 20min away). She makes all sorts of exuses to not hang out with us.
Like yours, my mom has had a really tough life. She hated her mother. My dad also died last June, so I'm guessing she's having a hard time (she won't talk about it). she's also an alcoholic.

I know it's so hard, I just tell myself that they will have different relationships with different people, and we will support the relationships that are healthy for them.
I figure she's doing the best she can with what she has at that moment.

Try not to take it personally (i know easier said then done)...it sounds like your boys are surronded with lots of love. I had a family that I "chose", growing up and my boys are having the same thing.

It's hard, my grandmother was my soulmate, and I so wanted my children to experience that...but I guess my mom is going through her own thing ...and I choose to have my focus be on my love for my babies.

Sorry this probably makes no sense (I'm typing as I feed)

it's so hard, and I'm so sorry you have to go through this...thank you for posting, I've been meaning to ask the same question!
PM me anytime if you ever want to chat!

Lots and Lots of hugs for you and your beautiful babies!!
PS (my sister lives in S. Cal-who also has twins) I had a BLAST visiting her! I live in NH so it's very different out there!

reb

 

:hug: I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I would try and talk to her and tell her how you feel. Let her know that your babies miss her. My DH's dad and wife (not DH's mom) live 45 mins away, but my parents (who live over 9hrs away) have spent MUCH more time with the boys. Part of that is b/c I go visit them and stay for a month, BUT they have come down here a lot too and spent a month with us when the boys were born. DH's mom has been here once (lives in OH) and it was for 5 days. I think the big difference is that these are the first grandbabies for my parents, but #4/5 for Dh's mom and #13/14 for FIL and wife. It's just not as exciting to them. Hopefully things will get better when they are older, but I'm just not sure.

 

Hugs to you. I am sorry that your Mom is not that interested right now. I agree with Megan, maybe try telling her how you feel and maybe with more awareness she will become more involved. While my children are not in this situation and I can tell you that me and my brothers grew up with an uninterested grandmother. My mom is the oldest of her siblings and was the first to have grandchildren and her mother just was not that into us. What happened was that my Mom just stopped bothering to try to have her to have a relationship with us and therefore we barely knew her. Looking back on it, I see it as her loss, she never really got to know some wonderful and funny kids. As for me and my siblings we took joy in the people who did bother to be our grandparents. In my brother's case it was their father's parents who were very involved and in my case it was my stepfather's parents. I hope that this works out for you and your Mom.

 

Benn there done that. My mother was not interested in my kids when they were growing up. Is reacting the same with her twin great granddaughters. Having been there done that you can do one of two things: beat your head against a wall and keep trying to figure out how to change the situation or realize the grandparents are who they are and it isnt going to change. I spent too many years banging my head against a wall and being upset my mom wouldnt be the grandparent that my grandparents were.Once I realized nothing was going to change my stress level went way down. Youare placing your expectations on them and they just may not be realistic. I figure it is the grandparent(s) loss. Personally, I would not try to talk to her. Most likely it would be another of those beating your head against a wall exercises and stressful for you. My mother wouldnt and didnt get it.

 

Also been there and done that (only with the ILs). And I'm not one to sit down and tell anyone how to be a grandparent, when they seem perfectly able to do it with their other grand kids (not that my ILs have any). They choose to behave in this pathetic manner and it means at some point the children will notice and be hurt. So, yes, I'm all for cutting them out, though I wasn't like that before, and it was DH who stepped away. We've never regretted it.

I'm sorry, I know it hurts to see your own family member treat your children like this. I cannot for the life of me understand why they do it. And it makes me very angry. It really is her loss... what a sad woman she must be.

:hug:

 

QUOTE(Anne-J @ May 2 2009, 11:16 AM) [snapback]1297381[/snapback]
Also been there and done that (only with the ILs). And I'm not one to sit down and tell anyone how to be a grandparent, when they seem perfectly able to do it with their other grand kids (not that my ILs have any). They choose to behave in this pathetic manner and it means at some point the children will notice and be hurt. So, yes, I'm all for cutting them out, though I wasn't like that before, and it was DH who stepped away. We've never regretted it.

I'm sorry, I know it hurts to see your own family member treat your children like this. I cannot for the life of me understand why they do it. And it makes me very angry. It really is her loss... what a sad woman she must be.

:hug:


EXACT same scenario and feelings here too. :hug: