She's hurting me

Help! I do not know what to do anymore. My dd will be 4 in October. When she gets mad at me she kicks me or hits me. For some reason she thinks that this is alright. Today she gave me a good kick. What do I do?

 

get down on her level and firmly but calmly tell her that it is not ok to hit or kick anyone. That she will hurt someone and that it is completely unacceptable. I'd suggest talking to her about other ways to express her anger/feelings and let her know what the consequenses will be if she does it again. You have to follow through with the consequenses though.

 

Thank you. I have tried this. "Use your words". I have told her that it is not ok hurt (Kick, hit) mommy. What would be an appropriate consequence for this?

 

Time Out! Kneel down to her level and tell her "That hurts mommy and we're not allowed to kick". And tell her she has to sit in time out b/c thats not nice. The thing about time out that I have learned (and have had trouble with) is consistency. You have to put her there every single time she does it, no matter where you are. She thinks its ok, because you are letting her do it; have you disciplined her in any way thus far? If so, what have you been doing? If you just tell them to stop, or that its not nice, they hear you, but are not phased because there was no 'punishment'. They werent given any incentive to stop the behavior.
I hope I dont sound like Im on a high horse here, because I have certainly struggled with consistency with time outs. Im currently having trouble with my daughter saying nasty words (not curse words) just nasty stuff. I guess she gets it from daycare. But I feel like if I put her in time out and as soon as she gets out and starts playing, shes doing it again, obviously time out didnt work, but I have to be consistent. If she says it again, I have to put her back in time out, again and again.
Hope this helped.

 

Mine are younger, but when they kick/hit me intentionally, the consequence is instant denial of attention. I just say "Ow, that is not OK!" and walk away. I'm just trying to get the message across that if you are going to hurt Mommy, Mommy does not want to be anywhere near you right now. They usually burst into tears and it's a pretty ugly scene, but I think it works, because the kicking/hitting does not happen very often.

Then, as soon as they calm down a bit, I go back and hug them and explain (again) that it was not OK.

 

QUOTE(Minette @ Sep 18 2008, 06:01 PM) [snapback]986012[/snapback]
Mine are younger, but when they kick/hit me intentionally, the consequence is instant denial of attention. I just say "Ow, that is not OK!" and walk away. I'm just trying to get the message across that if you are going to hurt Mommy, Mommy does not want to be anywhere near you right now. They usually burst into tears and it's a pretty ugly scene, but I think it works, because the kicking/hitting does not happen very often.

Then, as soon as they calm down a bit, I go back and hug them and explain (again) that it was not OK.

This is pretty much what I always did too. If they kicked/hit me a second time (like if she followed you when she was still mad and hit you again) then I would put them somewhere to calm down-basically like a time out, but with the emphasis on them getting time to calm down rather than them being in trouble.

Another thing you might want to consider is showing her some other ways to deal with being angry. I think that, generally, we as adults are quick to say to children they mustn't do something-and to come up with plans/punishments to stop the unwanted behaviour-but we often forget to tell them what they can do. Imagine how it feels when you're really angry and how hard it can be to control yourself. Your daughter still needs to learn that control.
Next time you're angry try modeling a behaviour that you would find acceptable, whether that's saying loudly how mad you feel, hitting a cushion, or just saying "I'm so angry right now. I need to sit by myself and calm down."
You can also talk them over with her next time she hits/kicks you (after she calms down). Something like "I know you were really mad, but it's not OK to hit. Hitting hurts people. What are some things you can do instead of hitting if you feel mad?" and remind her of the options.
It will probably take a while of reinforcing the message but she should get there.

 

:hug:

I feel your pain. My DS did the same thing about 3 weeks ago. We are consistent with timeouts but he seems to like them. We have been frustrated with the lack of "punishment" of a timeout since the "1 minute per year" doesn't seem to faze Aidan. When he kicked me, he was immediately sent to timeout. I walked over and sat down with him at the end of time out and we discussed what had happened. He said that kicking me made him happy. I'm not sure why but he did not seem to think it was a problem. I explained that kicking and hitting are unacceptable and he was given dinner separate from the family and then put to bed early without his sister (they share a room). He was soooo upset and cried himself to sleep. When he woke up in the morning, I heard him tell his sister "I can't go play, I'm in trouble cause I kicked mommy" I walked in to their room. Spoke with him about the situation and discussed consequences (in 3-year-old terms). He gave me a big hug, said "sorry" and was then allowed to go play. He hasn't done it since.

Do I think that he will never hit or kick again?? Probably not. Will he remember consequences? Probably not. I think that sometimes additional consequences are needed to show the seriousness of their actions.

I may be right and I may be wrong but it worked for us. One day at a time and one issue at a time.

 

Thank you everyone for your support. You have given me the motivation to make it work! I appreciate it.

 

QUOTE(Twin nanny @ Sep 18 2008, 07:16 PM) [snapback]986262[/snapback]
Another thing you might want to consider is showing her some other ways to deal with being angry. I think that, generally, we as adults are quick to say to children they mustn't do something-and to come up with plans/punishments to stop the unwanted behaviour-but we often forget to tell them what they can do. Imagine how it feels when you're really angry and how hard it can be to control yourself. Your daughter still needs to learn that control.
Next time you're angry try modeling a behaviour that you would find acceptable, whether that's saying loudly how mad you feel, hitting a cushion, or just saying "I'm so angry right now. I need to sit by myself and calm down."

That is such a great point, thank you for bringing that up!

 

QUOTE(2plusbgtwins @ Sep 18 2008, 12:20 PM) [snapback]985940[/snapback]
Time Out! Kneel down to her level and tell her "That hurts mommy and we're not allowed to kick". And tell her she has to sit in time out b/c thats not nice. The thing about time out that I have learned (and have had trouble with) is consistency. You have to put her there every single time she does it, no matter where you are. She thinks its ok, because you are letting her do it; have you disciplined her in any way thus far? If so, what have you been doing? If you just tell them to stop, or that its not nice, they hear you, but are not phased because there was no 'punishment'. They werent given any incentive to stop the behavior.
I hope I dont sound like Im on a high horse here, because I have certainly struggled with consistency with time outs. Im currently having trouble with my daughter saying nasty words (not curse words) just nasty stuff. I guess she gets it from daycare. But I feel like if I put her in time out and as soon as she gets out and starts playing, shes doing it again, obviously time out didnt work, but I have to be consistent. If she says it again, I have to put her back in time out, again and again.
Hope this helped.


I agree with the time out and being consistant. Good luck

 

We are going through the same thing at our home with J. I've been reading this post with special interest and trying to be more consistent with our responses. My wife is the one who is getting hit, though I'll get some of it when I try to "reason" with him into apologizing to mama. It sure has been difficult!

 

I have a "strong-willed" (LOL) DD who is 6 and we try to be consistent. We explain the infraction and send her to time out. When she comes out, we ask her why she went. We then expect an apology. We repeat as needed.