she is starting....

This isn't about my twins, but about my daughter Joy who turns 5 in a few weeks. She has always been compliant and sweet. She is a typical little sister who tries to annoy her brothers, act cute about it, etc.. We try to curb it when we can. Her brothers are typical brothers who argue and get frustrated with her.

My issue is that it seems the last month or so her compliance is becoming more of an issue. She is testing me a lot more than ever. My boys were never all that compliant, so this is kind of new for me. They have tested me since the day they were born! I guess my issue with her is that she is being more passive aggresive, which I am not used to. I will say, "Joy, you need to put those clothes in your hamper." And she will pick them up and put them in mine. "I'll just put them here Mommy.." I know that is a silly example, but she is doing that kind of stuff all day. "Joy, I need you to sit down and eat breakfast." and she walks away to do something else. UGH. It is driving me nuts. Then every once in a while she puts her hands on her hips and give me a "But Mom, I said I had to do this first..." really? An attitude at the age of 5?

Maybe this is more typical girl behavior? The boys were never all that passive, they just did it and knew they would get in trouble and dealt with it. I don't want to make everything a battle, but if I don't try to nip it in the bud it is just going to get worse.

Any suggestions?

 

No suggestions, but I'm right there with you. It's very frustrating. Sofia is also exhibiting the same behavior and it drives me nuts.

 

Honestly, Sarah is much better able to manipulate than Timothy. The flip side is that she is also much more able to read moods and facial expressions. She sometimes tests the boundaries with the passive-aggressive stuff. I just don't play along. My mom is hugely passive-aggressive, and I have very little use for that behaviour now that I've been away from it.

Like with the laundry example. My response would have been along the lines of "no, I asked you to put it in the hamper. Put it in the hamper, or you get put in time-out. Your choice." If the kids want me to get things like drinks, they can stand and hint all they want, but I don't budge until I hear it asked directly, in a nice tone, and with a please on the end.

We play games with tones and saying the same thing in different ways so that the kids know what we are talking about with tones. We also reiterate, if you want something, just ask us. We might say yes, we might say no, but just ask. If they pull the passive-aggressive stuff, we tell them that that's not what we asked them to do. They can obey or they can go to time-out. Their choice.


Marissa

 

Yep, Peyton has been doing the same exact thing. She doesn't turn 5 until August, but boy does she have the foot stomping, eye-rolling thing going on! She is so sweet too.....until the past few months. She always listened, followed directions, knew when not to do something...... Now she just doesn't seem to care, almost like she is testing me to see how far I will let her manipulate me. I truly hope this is a stage because I want my sweet child back.

 

Oh trust me, she put those dang clothes in her own hamper. I tend to be a little too rigid I worry, which I guess is why I don't know how much, if any, to let go. It's odd, because she is one of the happiest kids I know, she exudes joy. But when she decides to play her little game, man she is good at that.

Oh, I am one of those "horribly mean" Moms (as I was informed last night from Aaron) that refuses to help them find anything that should have been placed in the right place to begin with. So if they can't find their homework, shoes, etc.. I will not help. Joy is pretty good about her stuff, but the boys.....

 

I tend to be pretty rigid too. So, I know what you mean. Sometimes dh thinks I'm too strict, but I want to raise responsible kids who know that later in life, they are going to have to obey a boss or follow rules that they don't always agree with. I try very carefully to pick the battles.

You missed a chance for my favorite quote. Timothy will wander around looking for stuff and then whine about why don't I know where it is. I just ask him "Why is it my problem that you misplaced your shoes?".

Though the phase that drove me up a wall was when Timothy started blaming me for his behaviour. I would get told that if I hadn't done whatever (or made him do whatever) then he wouldn't be angry right now. That was a fun time to work through.

Marissa

 

My boys used to tell me I was mean and they "weren't my friends". I would tell them that's ok, I have enough friends. But then I came up with the best comeback ever. When they would say I am mean I'd calmly say back "That's what Mom stands for- most often mean." It takes them by surprise that I don't react every time and they have stopped saying I'm mean. :woohoo:

 

The bolded part sounds exactly like me. And, I love your quote, I may have to steal that!