seperated shy twins in school

My twins are shy.. they take a really long time to warm up, and are both more followers than leaders.. need to be approached by other people to play etc. We decided to seperate them this year (they are 4) at school, and they are doing ok so far but not great. we were encouraged to seperate them by teachers in the past, because they affect eachothers moods - if one is upset, the other will be, they look to eachother, and were also going to eachother for help and not the teachers. Now I am distressed! The teachers have told me they seem overall ok, but don't really play with the other kids or talk in school (it's still the begining of the year). They also went into this school not knowing anyone.. What can I do? Should I try to put them back together or just hope things will improve and they'll make some friends? Anyone have any ideas or experiences they can share?

 

I'd keep them split up. My kids are super shy (they're the only kids from two classes last year that refused to sit on Santa's lap at Christmas) and being together didn't help at all. They were just as shy after a year.

Now just one month in the 4yo program (they're separated three days a week), she already got picked by another girl to be one of the 3 kids she wants to invite to her birthday. I see them play with different kids when they are outside. It's great. Sure, DS is still pretty shy and doesn't really have a friend yet, but it would just be worse if he was with her all the time.

 

thanks fran. They were together last year and did interact with the kids so I'm just so worried now, like is this a step back? They also don't know anyone.. how long does it ushually take kids (esp shy kids) to make friends and interact in a new setting? I really don't know if it would make a difference if they were together.. but a part of me feels like at least they'd have eachother and maybe wouldn't be so lonely (if they even are lonely). they come back overall positive though - one says she cried a few times for missing her twin, but other than that, i just hear reports from the teacher that they don't really talk/ interact with other kids much..

 

I think you should give it a little time. This is their first real experience of being separated. It's going to take some time, and it's going to be painful to see them having to adjust. I really think that teachers who have interacted with them and been with them will make good decisions on whether continuing to separate them is a good choice or not. It's very hard for me, even though my girls are almost 7, to think of them separated when they've always had each other. We're lucky..so far the teachers have recommended them being together. But, if that time comes when it's recommended for them to be apart, then we'll take that plunge, and I know it's going to be painful for all of us when it happens.

Also be prepared, it's probably going to be hard on them again after the Christmas break, but again, I think that is to be expected. I hope, however, that by the end of the year, you will see a big improvement. If you don't, then you may really need to think about what would be the best for them. Some twins just don't do well separated. But I think that you should just keep encouraging them and give it some more time. Good luck!

 

I think you did the right thing. At 4, often kids do not play with other kids. They play along side of. Give it time... I think you will be pleasantly surprised one of these days. Perhaps the teacher could do some 'linking' or encouraging a playmate in school. (Pair two kids up to play something.)

 

I don't know if I would put them back together or not. My boys are only 21 months so we're not there yet. But I am a Kindergarten teacher and deal with very shy kids sometimes. I usually recommend to parents of shy kids to ask their child to choose a friend in the class to have a few play dates with. It's much easier for shy kids to connect with others in a safe place like their home and it usually takes more than 1 play date to make a good connection. I would keep the play dates short and very relaxed and maybe make arrangements for your other twin to be somewhere else. Also, it is very common for kids this age to parallel play (play near each other but not with each other), so you don't need to feel like you have to force anything.

 

I would give it some time. I personally think it is a lot harder for some twins to adjust because they are used to being together all the time. My girls are also terribly shy, but I plan to keep them together in school if possible. And just a little info on shyness (based on my own personal experience) while some kids go through a shy phase and grow out of it, many don't. Yes it can be a reaction to things around them but it can also be simply a personality trait, like being outgoing, or being headstrong and is not necessarily something you can change. I was HORRIBLY shy as a child, all the way up til I started high school. I'm talking, I cried for a week straight at the beginning of the school year until like 3rd grade when my mom would leave me alone in the class. I would speak as little as possible to teachers, and it was hard for me to participate in things in class. Strangely enough, I don't remember ever having a problem making friends. I don't remember how I made those friends but I do remember having them

So I guess my advice would be to talk to the teachers about the situation and see what they can do. I believe that as a teacher it is part of their job to help the kids thrive in the school environment, especially at a young age when there is a lot of change going on and it can be scary. A teacher should never just say "Your child doesn't participate" and then leave it at that. Shy kids need a lot more encouragement than other kids to feel comfortable trying things and opening up. I had a couple teachers that were just ghastly and were actually mean to me and yelled at me because I was shy, which of course just resulted in me being upset, crying and not wanting to be involved with anything.

I do believe your kids will do better with time and encouragement as far as making friends and what not at school, but it won't happen overnight. and that's ok. There is nothing wrong with being a shy or quiet person. Also as far as your part I would like I say encourage them but don't push them. Don't tell them that they NEED to make friends or that they HAVE to participate or things like that. It will just stress them out and could actually backfire and make them participate less because they are afraid. It's a tough cookie, but I do think in the end your kids are going to be ok Best of luck.

 

My oldest Son Grifyn isn't one of the twins, but I can't help withe the whole splitting them up thing just yet....but I do know that even Grifyn as a singleton, he is just now slowly starting to interact with the other kids at school. It takes time. A friend of mine's son didn't really flourish until about 6 months into the school year. Every kid is different and it will just take time. Its so hard to hear though eh?!?! You just want your kids to dive right in and have a blast!

 

i'm just feeling so guilty about seperating them lately. they are only 4!! i know one of them misses the other terribly and they are both so happy to see eachother at the end of the day.. both of them are in new classes and don't know anyone, overall i think they are happy, just terribly shy, and don't talk to the other kids, but do play.. maybe if they had eachother they would be more comfortable? i don't know..

 

I think you should give it more time,
especially if your kids had a bunch of time off recently, because they haven't had a full month's worth of school yet.

I also find that my girls have their own routine down so well, with how they will play with each other, they don't necessarily have the same negotitation skills etc. needed to start relationships with others, because they are so used to playing with each other.


I would definitely give it more time.


GOod Luck.