Separating the twins in daycare

Our girls are 19 months and still in the infant room at daycare (which is supposed to be 0 to 18 months -- though most kids come in at around 1 year). They are the two oldest kids in the infant room and are fully ready to move up to the toddler room, but there aren't two spots for them. One spot has just come up in the toddler room and the daycare is asking us to separate the girls and move one of them into the toddler room while one stays behind in the infant room. It could be July before another toddler spot opens up (July -- when they will be 25 months -- is the latest, it could be sooner, but they just don't know if/when another child will leave).

I do plan on separating them in school eventually, but not until much, much later. This separation would only be temporary, but it could be for up to 6 months. The girls are very ready to be in the toddler room, they are getting older and older than the youngest kids in the infant room, and the daycare is running out of kids directly beneath them (age-wise) who can leap frog over them and move up to the toddler room, so the pressure to separate is huge.

My main concerns are:

1) I don't want them to not be together -- they really love each other and love being together and take a lot of comfort from one another, so I don't know how they will take being separated. Even if they are eventually OK with being apart, I'm sure it will be a tough transition, and I don't want to put them through that. And, if I'm honest with myself, I don't really want them to get used to being apart at this stage. I love that they are such good friends and I want them to stay so close and want/need the other one close by.

2) I'm very concerned with treating them fairly and this feels unfair -- developmentally they are both ready to move up and it doesn't seem right to choose one to do that (the daycare said that they will choose so that we won't have any parental guilt about making the choice, but I'm not sure that will make it any better)

I'm not entirely sure what our options are. The daycare won't hold one spot for us in the toddler room until another one opens unless we pay for it, and we don't have an extra $1200/month kicking around. We could try to have them share the spot in the toddler room (each spending half of their day in the infant room and half in the toddler room), but that isn't great from a structure perspective and they would still be apart b/c they would have to be in the different rooms at different times. I guess our last option is to just say no, we'll wait until there are two spots together (or at most a month apart), and risk leaving them in the infant room until they are two years old and really bored (though I don't think they will actually be that bored, they just won't be learning as much as they could in the toddler room and won't start potty training, etc.).

What would you do? Do you have any thoughts? How bad would it really be to separate them?

Thanks in advance for any input you can offer. This decision is really upsetting to have to make!

 

If your girls are chronologically/developmentally over the age of the class they are supposed to be in, then it is up to the daycare to accomodate BOTH of them in the next class. It sounds like they plan very poorly. If they can't accomodate both, I would look for a new daycare. I would never separate my girls for all the reasons you listed, at this point. I hope they can work something out soon for you.

 

I would probably leave them together in the infant room, even if it means they have to wait for a spot. They are old enough to be really confused and upset by why one is going someplace else and the other is staying behind.

Our daycare bases everything on the school year -- so when the pre-K class graduates and goes to kindergarten, the oldest toddler class moves up to pre-K, and everyone else moves up from there. The older classes are always larger, so there is always room for the younger kids to move up as a group.

That said, my twins did move up from the infant room to the toddler room later than the rest of their "class," because they were the youngest in the class and not ready to move (at 10 months) when the school year started. The daycare held their spots in the toddler class until they were ready to move in December.

Does your daycare have more infants than they have toddlers? That's the only way I can see for them to wind up with not enough toddler spots. Even so, they must, at some point, have had two spots in the toddler room at the same time or fairly close to each other, and I bet they moved a singleton at that time because they didn't look ahead to see that this problem would come up.

I know how hard it is to find a new daycare, but if you are looking at leaving them in the infant class until they're over 2 years old, I would seriously consider it.

 

Mine are not in daycare, but I would not separate them at that age. I agree, the daycare needs to accommodate both of them moving up.

 

at that age, i'd keep them together.

aren't all these decisions enough to drive us crazy?!?

 

Speaking from an infant teacher perspective, I agree with the PP's that say that the center should not have put you in this spot. However, leaving your girls in the infant room means less stimulation for them (since the teachers would be focusing on the younger kids) which may lead to behavioral issues (not because your girls are doing anything wrong, just because they are bored!)
I would not separate your girls if you're not comfortable and I definitely wouldn't split the day half and half because that will just confuse them more! However, it seems that if you left them in the infant room, it may be harder for your girls. Are there other centers you can look into?

 

It sounds like your daycare put you in a tough spot. Ours planned ahead so they could both move up at the same time, so sorry you are having to deal with this. I would push to get them both moved up now. Depending on their licensing and the number of teachers/aides versus the number of kids they have in the next room at any given time, they might be able to move them both up at least for part of the day now? I just think they should be able to work with you so much more than they are. I'm with the PP about maybe it's time to look into other centers if they are not willing to work with you more than they are.

 

I have to agree with all the pp's. Your daycare should not have put you in this spot. While I am taking mine out of daycare for a nanny, I have loved my daycare and they have always accomdated us with the twins. Mine worked like one said, they move up with the school year in August. So their entire class moves up at the same time. It would not be fair to provide one in a more pre school setting while the other is still in an infant room, especially with the possibility of the one being over 2 and still in the infant room? That doesn't make any sense to me and if they accepted you, then they should accomodate you and possibly hire another teacher for the two year old room. Will no one else be able to move up before July either? Something just doesn't sound right?
Is it an option to look for another daycare? The way I look at it, is that I choose the daycare, they don't choose me.

 

QUOTE(Corinne923 @ Jan 23 2008, 07:16 PM) [snapback]586023[/snapback]
If your girls are chronologically/developmentally over the age of the class they are supposed to be in, then it is up to the daycare to accomodate BOTH of them in the next class. It sounds like they plan very poorly. If they can't accomodate both, I would look for a new daycare. I would never separate my girls for all the reasons you listed, at this point. I hope they can work something out soon for you.


I agree with this. At our daycare center the rooms are 0-6 months, 6-12 months, 12-18 months 18-24 months. 24-36 months and over 36 months. (there are no children over 4 at this center) Children are moved based on evaluations which are made a month before. If they pass they are moved but they go through an "adaption period" where they spend long and longer parts of the day with the new group, which last 1 month. If a teacher thinks the child is ready a month earlier they can be evaluated. If they fail the evaluation it will be done again the next month but the parents are encouraged to work with the child at home in any developmental area in which they are not up to age in. But Children must be moved once they have passed the evaluation and the staff sometimes has to be redistributed (like at our center there are several kids with September birthdays) and under the right circumstances the center would even be obligated to hire more staff to meet the needs. A child would not be kept back like this.

 

I agree with PP, that is a very odd daycare that would 'leap frog' students over your girls. They have several options, I think they are trying to make it easiest on them instead of what is best for you and your kids.

Most daycare centers have 'floating' staff just for that reason (shifting numbers of kids in classes), they should have moved your girls up at a year and managed the problem themselves- it is totally not fair to you or your twins to split, hold back, or swap them.

I , personally, would sit down with the daycare and explain the rational of keeping them together and that they need to move up. If you wait too long, you will simply have the same problem when they move from 'toddler' to whatever is next. If they are not accomodating- switch providers...losing a set of twins would be a BIG expense loss- not to mention that when they move up they will have 2 less kids in the infant room (in MI the ratio is 2 to 1 for infants so that staff person could simply move 'up' with the twins).

It is a hard choice, but I would look for another provider if they don't try to do what is best for kids.

KC

 

Now that's just insane. If they're going to force you to only move up one, then why can't they force out another singleton and open two spots. I'd be highly ticked at the situation they have put you in. That seems like an awfully long time to be in the room with newborns and small infants. Our daycare is like another PP mentioned...0-6 or 9 months, then 6-12 or walking and then the toddler room from around 12 months to 2 years (I think). My guys just moved up to the toddler room this month. They are 15 months. I could not imagine them being in with the infants/crawlers for another full year. No way.

Moving kids up is not about their age, it's about their development. If they are ready to move, your daycare needs to accomodate your kids, not vice versa. And like PP said, they should have floaters in the school who can go to the room when they have the max number of kids (since there are never the same number of kids in the school all day long).

I think they should move both your girls up, and if they can't do that, I'd be looking for a new place. I'm really sorry that they are doing this to you and your girls. You've got enough to deal with without having to work around a place that you are PAYING to accomodate YOU.

Shannon

 

I think your daycare should not have put you in this spot, they should have planned better. I think I'd keep them together in the infant room and look for a new daycare.

My girls are starting daycare next month (at 22 months), 3 days/week. When they are 2 1/2 and potty trained, they can move from the toddler room (18 months to 2 1/2 or potty trained age) to the older toddler room, which is substantially cheaper. The director did talk to me about moving one of them if they were potty trained first, without the other, which gave me a slight twitch. But we will cross that bridge if/when we come to it. I think by that age I might feel more comfortable than at 19 months. Plus maybe it would pressure the non potty trained twin to catch up and join her sister.

 

there has been ALOT of research about the separating issue. most say that you should not separate until they ask to be separated.

 

Re Bouncetigger

For a teacher to make a comment about the twins not getting attention because they are older and staff would focus on the younger infants makes me question your professional performance. Is that what you do?

 

no way i would seperate them in daycare.

 

We were in this same spot with daycare - there was one spot, but they were both ready to move up to the next room. What our center did was to rotate them. They would spend half a day together in their original room. Then after nap, they would separate - one twin would stay in the younger room, the other would spend the afternoon in the older toddler room. The next day, they would switch, so the boys got equal turns in the new room. After about 2 months of this, they would rotate spending the whole day in the new room. This went on a couple months until they had 2 spots free. Ours is a small center, so they would still see each other out on the playground and could probably even hear each other down the hall.

For the most part, I thought this worked out fine, because they got a gradual transition into the next room, with new teachers. They seemed to adapt well. I didn't mind them being apart for a little while - they only go to daycare 2 days a week. But there was one morning that Sammy was having a rough drop off in the new room and he was cried "Want to go see Coleman!". That was heartbreaking! For a while after that, we would drop off both boys in the same room and they would stay together for a little while until they got adjusted. Then when they were comfortable, they would send one boy to the other room.

Michelle

 

QUOTE(marco @ Feb 8 2008, 09:11 AM) [snapback]612551[/snapback]
Re Bouncetigger

For a teacher to make a comment about the twins not getting attention because they are older and staff would focus on the younger infants makes me question your professional performance. Is that what you do?


I see that you are new here and only have 1 post. So I'd like to remind you of the TS Terms of service:

QUOTE
Because of the diversity of our community, posted messages must also not belittle the beliefs of other users, either personally directed towards another user or in a general nature. We ask that you use consideration for the feelings, experiences, situations and even national, cultural, religious and ethnic differences of the other members of this community before posting comments that may be considered offensive to others who may not share your views.

 

I have been there too with my daycare. From my prosepctive, it seems like they move the kids from class to class to bring in the highest number of dollars for them. It's all about the bottom line...

It seems weird to me that you 19 month olds are still in an infant room. I think, and I may be wrong, that here in Tennessee a child over the age of 18 months is considered a toddler, and there are different rules about the number of staff and age groups that can be together when it comes to infants and toddlers. I would make them bump another child out of the toddler room, and make a spot for your twins. It is so frustrating. When they suggested moving one of my twins up I was livid, and eventually got my way. They actually ended up moving them up into the older toddler room quite early so there were spots for everyone. They were only in the young toddler room for about 2 months.

 

QUOTE(FirstTimeMom814 @ Feb 8 2008, 11:35 AM) [snapback]612687[/snapback]
I see that you are new here and only have 1 post. So I'd like to remind you of the TS Terms of service:


I'm not sure if I'm crossing a line by defending my post, please let me know if I am. To the poster who asked, doesn't it make sense that a teacher would have to focus more on a young infant (who cannot feed themselves or move steadily) than a toddler? I do not neglect any of my charges, but its quite a bit easier to let an older toddle entertain themselves with a book. My point was that its NOT good for the older child in question.

 

Like other people have said, I think keeping them together would be best and the daycare should plan a way to accommodate both of them. I can't speak exactly from experience (I am a twin, not parent of) but I know when we were little my brother and I were best friends and it was an important time for us.

Not sure if this will help at all, but here's what I'll say... I think being separated at any point would be difficult, so separating now would be hard but even in five or seven years, it will probably still be hard. Plus the separation will only be for a few months so they will get to be back together again in 'school' and they'll still be with each other at home.

As for who gets to move up who has to stay behind... maybe there is a way where they can alternate days? Maybe on Monday and Wednesday A goes, Tuesday and Thursday B goes and Friday they can switch every week for example. There could be a way so that it doesn't have to seem like 'one is getting left behind.'

Hopefully you guys can get it all worked out or maybe find a place where they can both go. Good luck!

 

Thank you all for your ideas and comments. You really re-affirmed that my mommy instinct to keep them together was right. I also spoke to a child psychologist friend of mine who said that, although the girls would ultimately be fine no matter what we did, the most important thing at this age is to be comfortable and secure -- and for my two that comes largely from them being together.

I went back to the daycare and let them know that the girls had to be kept together -- either with 2 spots in the toddler room or through some creative solution of sharing one toddler and one infant spot. After several weeks of them trying to figure out a solution for a second spot, it looks like the daycare has been able to shift kids around in all of the older rooms to get that second toddler spot for us starting next week. Unfortunately, for some reason they will have to tranisition the girls separately (one one week, and one the following week -- our day care has a week long transition process where the kids visit the toddler room for more and more time each day for 4 days and then spend the full day there the 5th day), however, they will end up being together for big chunks of all of those transition days, so, after pushing to get the second spot, I'm willing to compromise on this. Apart from the separation issue, our daycare provides really wonderful, loving care and is super-convenient, so we really didn't want to try to switch to another.

Thanks again for all of the great Twinstuff advice! This raising twins stuff is HARD!

 

Awesome! How great of the center to recognize how important this was to you and your girls and work around it! Good luck!