SAHMs...who gets up with the twinks on the weekend?

As many of you know, I lost my job in early September. I have been home since. I will be going back, probably after the first of the year, but hopefully, it will only be part-time, rather than full. During that time, DH has decided that since I am staying home, I should be doing the majority of EVERYTHING (how that's any different from when I was working, I don't know), including all the night wake ups. During the week, I agree that I should do the night wake ups. I don't have to get up with an alarm in the morning.....well, I'm up with them every day by 6, but whatever.

On the weekends, however, I think he should help. Or even take one of the two weekend nights. He disagrees and cites that the weekend is to "recharges your battery" for the workweek. We had the biggest argument over this yesterday--not the first time.

Unfortunately, I have one of those chauvenistic husbands who whines just about any time he has to do anything. Weekends around here are miserable. He's constantly saying, "TGIM"...for Thank Goodness it's Monday. He complains constantly about having to do anything, and heaven for bid if he were to actually help by feeding them or something, if he gets annoyed, he'll just quit half way through and say, "I'm done". Real big help.

You guys he's supposed to be one of the enlightened men. Professional, thirty-something, married to a lawyer. Isn't that what us thirty-somethings are supposed to be married to? Men with attitudes different from those of our fathers/grandfathers? I feel like I got the shaft.

I can't wait to hear what his excuse is going to be when I go back to work.

thanks for letting me vent, this is my second venting post this morning...I'm on a roll.

Robynn

 

As many of you know, I lost my job in early September. I have been home since. I will be going back, probably after the first of the year, but hopefully, it will only be part-time, rather than full. During that time, DH has decided that since I am staying home, I should be doing the majority of EVERYTHING (how that's any different from when I was working, I don't know), including all the night wake ups. During the week, I agree that I should do the night wake ups. I don't have to get up with an alarm in the morning.....well, I'm up with them every day by 6, but whatever.

On the weekends, however, I think he should help. Or even take one of the two weekend nights. He disagrees and cites that the weekend is to "recharges your battery" for the workweek. We had the biggest argument over this yesterday--not the first time.

Unfortunately, I have one of those chauvenistic husbands who whines just about any time he has to do anything. Weekends around here are miserable. He's constantly saying, "TGIM"...for Thank Goodness it's Monday. He complains constantly about having to do anything, and heaven for bid if he were to actually help by feeding them or something, if he gets annoyed, he'll just quit half way through and say, "I'm done". Real big help.

You guys he's supposed to be one of the enlightened men. Professional, thirty-something, married to a lawyer. Isn't that what us thirty-somethings are supposed to be married to? Men with attitudes different from those of our fathers/grandfathers? I feel like I got the shaft.

I can't wait to hear what his excuse is going to be when I go back to work.

thanks for letting me vent, this is my second venting post this morning...I'm on a roll.

Robynn

 

Probably not what you want to hear....but I do all of the night wakings, and always have. It's in the fine print in my SAHM job description...wish I would have seen it before I signed the contract!!

 

Vent away... it really helps.
My DH helps alot. We're supposed to alternate night feedings but sometimes he complains so much and gets so frustrated with the babies that I tell him just to go to bed because I can't listen to him. I also can't tell you how many times I've woken up to a baby screaming while he feeds the other because he waited too long to feed them so I have to get up anyway and help with 'his' feeding as well as my own. When the babies get older I imagine he'll be phased out of the night feedings as that's already started to happen.
I'm ok with that happening since I'm not going back to work, but if I were I would expect it to be 50/50. I don't think too many men ever got out of the 1950's really. They all want a wife who will bring home $60k or more per year AND do all the cooking, cleaning and baby-raising, most of them just won't admit it!

 

In our house, night feeds on the weekend are done by dad. I even wear earplugs, especially since ours are having serious sleep issues, like waking 5 or 6 times a night, calling the pediatrician today. When he gets home as well, he gets a little bit to unwind, then we're both hard at work. I couldn't imagine losing that little bit of catch up time I get on the weekends.

Even though right now I'm not working, I am working a lot harder during the day than dad is. He gets a lunch break, and a coffee break if he wants, he shows up at 8:30 and leaves at 5.

We don't get lunch breaks, or coffee breaks. I don't "stay at home and play with babies all day". HA! Theres laundry, dishes, feeding, changing, etc. So I take all the help I can get....

 

We don't have any night feeding - thank goodness and knock on wood - but we both do the morning and bedtime feedings together regardless of the day. I think that my husband likes to do it because it gives him time to bond with the girls. We wake them at 6:30 to feed and then he watches the girls while I get showered. At night he gets home about 7:30 and tries to take over for me.

I may be a SAHM but I need time to "recharge" my batteries too! My girls can be angels for the WHOLE day but if they hit a cranky time for 1/2 hour at the end of the day it sucks my energy like you wouldn't believe. I was never this tired when I worked outside the home!

Good luck when you go back to work - I am sure that it will be a very interesting conversation.

 

I am going back to that time of our lives as our girls are now 2.5 but.................... DH did and still does help. When the girls would get up during the night his schedule was to take anything that happened before 2am. Since I was always tired and usually in bed by 10 or so I was able to get some sleep and then took anything that happened after his "shift" His other "duty" that he would do to assist me and the girls was by making formula. I did not breastfeed after the first three weeks or so for lack of getting enouhg so anyway we did the formula system. We made it by the container and he would mix anough ahead for the night and day. These two things were a ton of help for all of us. He would also make the evening meal off and on to help since the late afternoons were not always fun with the girls they seemed to get cranky around the time I need to cook. Currently he lets me take an evening or weekend day off to myself. I go out for breaksfast, go shopping or whatever. Just to be alone or meet a friend. As we have talked... his job ends at 5pm each day I do not get that so I need breaks. My job is 24/7... imagine being at the same place for the same job 24/7... it would get to be a bit much.

My two cents to share with you. Good luck... .. it will never be an even game though and your husband will probably never help enough but to have him in the game somewhere would sure be helpful. It did take two to get the girls... is always what I tell my husband!

-Kristi

 

From the beginning i have had the view that I need energy at home just as much as he needs it at work. My little ones can be rough and it is mentally/emotionally draining (especially now that it is getting cold out and harder to leave the house.

Our boys each get up once a night and usually at totally different times. our boys go to bed aroud 7. I always get the first baby (often at 12 or 1am) and he gets the next one (usually at 3/4). If we go to bed around 10, then he gets a nice stretch of sleep. they both usually get up around 5 or 6 to start the day and i get up with them and my husband gets a couple extra hours before he gets up for work. i think we have both become used to very little sleep.

My husband usually is gone from 7:30-8 pm AND he works saturdays. Although his work is challenging, the way i llok at it is a challenge at the workplace is different then the challange of a SAHM awith twins who are demanding and need you almost every second.

noone can tell me that you need more energy to work out of the home...sometimes i think it would be much easier to go to work then be home(although i am very fortuante to be home as i love my little guys more than anything!!!)

 

I work as a SAHM from 6 to 6 and then DH is on duty from 6p to 6a. That means, right now due to some freaky thing going on with one twin, that he is getting up to do one night feed. He's been doing night wakings for a few months now. I just don't get up. It's understood ... he works hard and long, but he also gets a little break on the drive to and from work, sometimes even a nap on his commute! He loves the time with his girls and really gets bummed if he misses them either in the morning or evening. Weekends we both get up with them, but he will usually watch them for part of the day so I can get out of the house. I couldn't survive without him. He's an awesome DH and father. Besides, he knows me well enough to know that I need my sleep and our relationship is better when I have it and that I need to recharge as well.

 

Wow, Kristi, give your DH a kiss from me tonight. Wow again!

My DH sometimes "hears" the screaming, sometimes not. I told him just yesterday that I hesitate to go back to work (we are swiftly running out of money and paying out the nose for COBRA health insurance...my fine print was that I am in charge that!!!) because I will still do everything at home, just like before the twins came with our first DD...PLUS get to work and be stressed about that. Yuck, I sometimes want to be reincarnated as a man. I would be the BEST dad, I swear.



It is never going to be equal, and here is why. Men never seem to get preoccupied or worried in the slightest about real stuff. My DH gets all in a twist about COLLEGE BASKETBALL, but has a 'it will all work out' attitude about the rest of life that I toss and turn over and over in my head, a 1,000x per day. Just ask your DH what he is thinking about at any moment during the day. I bet you it is something rediculous, like "what if that guy would have said NO DEAL last night?".

MEN!

 

Yep...in the same darn boat as you. DH says he can't help during the week due to work (I am supposed to be working from home...right!!!) and says to wake him up at 4 a.m. to help with the girls. Everytime I ask for help, though, he huffs and puffs and throws a little fit...like I really want him around the twins then. My twins are VERY messed up right now with sleep. They cry from 10 p.m. until about 4:30 or 5 a.m. Then, I can get an hour of sleep because, afterall, I do have all day to nap...right??? He was so good when they were in the NICU...but now he sucks!!! He is taking off a month for paternity leave. It should be interesting to see if he gets up. All he complains about all the time is that I am never in bed to have sex with. Dah...help me and I could be. What is up with these men????

 

I'm sorry he's being a jerk...

You know, you work a full time job too. Around here weekends are family time, but my DH won't get out of bed until 9 or 10am. Even the best DH's have their faults.

 

VENT AWAY!!!

My DH got up with me for all of them. I never had to do it all alone. I think I let him sleep once or twice, but I never missed one! (Thank goodness for sleeping through!)

That said, I am still the primary care give at all times!!! If am leaving to run errands he likes it if I do it during nap time etc.... I don't mind trying to do that, but sometimes it just doesn't work and I have to be gone all day (on purpose!)

I think he should be one of the enlightened ones that helps on the weekends. We both get up together on the weekends. EVERY once in a while we will let each other sleep for a while.

My argument is that I am working my tail off too!! For instance, this week I have my twins and 4 days of my nephew all day and my DH is out of town. So, when Sat. comes around I'll try to sleep in and let him handle it! I'll just tell him what they need to eat in the a.m. and he'll get it done. I don't do it often, but he knows how hard it is!!

 

For the first 2 months that the babies were home, my husband was great about taking shifts with me so I could sleep, he would take them from 9PM-2AM, and then I would take back over. But that has all changed now. They are pretty much my responsibility 24/7. I am still up at 6AM on the weekends just like any other day! There are some days I wouldn't mind a break but I'll still be able to hear them yelling "Momma momma momma" from the kitchen, it's hard for me to sleep thru that. I hope ya'll can work something out, being a sahm is exhausting and for me, there is never a break! Though Dh is good about letting me get out to do whatever on the weekends by myself to shop or meet a friend for lunch etc while he plays with the boys for a few hours, so I am happy for that at least!

 

quote:
Originally posted by becky5:
It's in the fine print in my SAHM job description...wish I would have seen it before I signed the contract!!
OMG Im sooooooo with ya on that one!! My Dh is exact same way.

 

Ya it's time to give mr man a taste of his own medicine. He needs to work from 6 to 6 and when he falls asleep really good he has to wake up and go to work for an hour. So it's no days off and no holidays and can't go home early. No recharging batteries on the weekend either, he must get up and go to work, no excuses people need his help!

I always lay it out to dh like that and he comes around to help out more.

 

Isn't it amazing how smart someone can be and yet so stupid at the same time??? Man, I feel for you. That really sucks. I totally agree about the weekends. My DH totally helps me and I look forward to Fridays since I know I'm in for 2 days of help! The question is, how do you get your DH to understand that what you do is a non-stop job with no lunch hour, no 15-20 minute breaks, and no alone time? How do you get him to really see that YOUR battery needs to be re-charged after a full week of work? What could you do to make him really understand that what you do all week IS work and really appreciate what you do?

On the weekends, dh and I alternate getting up in the middle of the night and in the mornings with our girls so we each get one day to sleep in. And when we need to run errands, we take turns watching the girls for an hour or 2 and do things we need or want to do (yep, you better beleive I get my manicure/pedicure at least twice a month!)

The best advice I can give (though I'm not sure how to enforce it) is to not ALLOW him to give excuses! You simply have to tell him what to do and sometimes, you may have to just walk away right after. For example, you TELL him to go feed the kids and that you are going to go take a shower and then you GO. Or wake up on Saturday and once he's up you say, "I have some errands to run, watch the kids" and then leave. (Of course you may have to leave a reminder list of anything important that needs to be done, time of feeding, how much, time of nap etc). I hope you can get some good advice from anyone who's been through this. It's just so unbeleivable how some men don't get it...It took the two of you to create this family and it takes the two of you to raise them!

If all else fails...CALL DR. PHIL!

 

I'm so with you! I love my DH, but he so sees the child rearing as a woman's job. Since we have 3, he has to help more than he would like. When the twins were waking at night (SO GLAD that is over with!!), I did all the night shifts and he did the 6:30 feeding. He does help me when he gets home with bathing our oldest and helping me get the twins to bed. He doesn't like to do much on the weekend, he wants to recharge his batteries too!! He also wants to do manly things like hunting, watching football or play golf. If I do need to run errands, I try to during naps or ask his mother to watch the kids. He says he doesn't like to babysit on the weekend. Hello - it's not babysitting when it is your own children!! But all that being said, he really does help me with the twins much more than when our oldest was a baby.

 

Luckily we don't have night feedings here! But I do work part time (one full day and two half days). We both do the last feeding of the night no matter if he has to work or not (its at 830). If they wake up in the middle of the night we alternate the days he has to work and the weekends, I do the days he is working. As for waking up on the weekends, I do it. Luckily they dont get up till 730, so it's not that bad BUT it is a constant fight. I tell him constantly that I would love just one day every 2 weeks to sleep in, just one! I must say though at first he NEVER did anything! NOTHING. It actually took me leaving him to get where we are now, and except for the weekend wake ups he does help a lot. I do all the bathing, because he doesnt want to, but he does ALL the cooking so I think it's a pretty even trade and don't complain about that one.

 

DH always lets me sleep in when he's home from work. He works every other weekend, but only works 3-4 days/week. So, I get some extra shut eye a couple days a week. He's always been very good about getting up at night with them too even when he has to be up at 5:45 for work. BTW, Go ahead and vent girl.

 

Thanks girls. Well, the day has passed, and I'm feeling better, but boy was I on a rampage this morning! Thanks for all the responses! It always helps! After 5 years of marriage, I guess I'm learning that this is just the way it is going to be. I used to wonder about those women who just "kept it to themselves" and didn't let their DHs have it, but I'm realizing that in order to avoid the really bad arguing, I need to start doing it. It just doesn't seem right, does it? It seems unfair. It hurts to because it feels like a lack of basic respect for me--I wouldn't do this stuff to him.

Here's to tomorrow!

P.S. He's at city council tonight...maybe I'll hide the batteries to the remote before he gets home........

Robynn

 

I am a SAHM with DH doing 12hr. work shifts on Sat., Sun. & Monday, however, I am the one who goes to bed earlier and wakes up at 6am with them every morning. He does help me bath them and changes diapers ocassionally, but if I am there I do it. He is very helpful but at the same time will slack, where I won't. I will usually have to say something like "Yo, you think maybe you could help alittle??" Like when they are both crying and he is right there watching t.v. or both up when they are supposed to be in bed and he will stay downstairs and play guitar after I call him 2 or 3 times. Believe me, if they can get away with it, they will.