SAHM...can I ever call in?

I have 2 boys, 21 months old...and I AM EXHAUSTED!! I feel like I never get a break. Everyday feels like groundhog day...make DH's lunch, feed & let out the dog, get the kids up, feed & change them, clean up...play, prep lunch, clean up, naps (chore-time-laundry, dishes, bills, etc), play, prep dinner, clean up, play, bedtime routine, sleep, repeat. I never have friends over or go out with friends (maybe 2x in the past year). I get my hair cut on the fly if I have a dr appointment (and I have gotten out of the house), I walkin for a hair appt to where ever I can. I do my grocery shopping after the kids go to bed at night, or during naps on the weekends. I buy in bulk, because I don't get out very much and live in the country.

All in all, I am wondering how much "me" time other moms are getting...and if this is just what it is to be a mom and a wife? Am I asking too much of DH to watch the kids so I can get out every now & then? I do appreciate that he works full time to support us...but I wish sometimes that I could get out of the house to do a different job for a few hours a day...and then atleast have the option to call in.

 

Call in the troops! It is absolutely not too much to ask for your husband to watch the kids so you can go out for a bit. Being a SAHM is more than a full time job, and you need a break from it. An afternoon away (or heck, a weekend if you can manage it!) will do wonders for your health and perspective, and go and do something just for YOU. And make it a regular occurence; once a month take a mommy's day off and know that you have something to look forward to. Join a book club or take a class or something one evening a week or every couple of weeks where you put the kids to bed and go out for some you time.

 

Whoa. You NEED to get out. No question about it! At least monthly, if not more if you can swing it. Sometimes I will go to target for the heck of it, just to get out of the house! My kids are older now, but I still have days where I just need to get away. And thank goodness dh understands. It's never been an issue for me to go out. I would have a hard time if dh did so, because he got out everyday! But he needs free time from work/home too. And I've found, it comes in spurts. I will go weeks with having nothing planned. And then, three nights in two weeks I will have plans with friends.

Do it. Now. Immediately. Call up a nice salon and make an appointment for a pedicure, haircut, manicure, facial-anything-and tell dh you are unavailable that day. Do it for you. Do it for your kids.

And report back when the appointment is made.

 

Currently I have a standing day of fun where I do whatever with a friend and am often gone the whole time the kids are awake. I also do MOPS twice a month- childcare is provided. I highly encourage you to set up a few playdates as its free playtime for kids and moms. I also think my kids behave better in public than at home.

Good luck!

 

So, here's the thing. Your husband is their father. He wouldn't be "watching" them, he would be parenting them.

You absolutely need some time to yourself. And more importantly, you deserve it.

Yes, your husband works full time to support you. During the time he's engaged in paid employment you are engaged in full time unpaid employment that is just as important & valuable. The way I look at it is that once you're both home, you are both engaged in unpaid employment that should be equitably shared (however you choose to define that amongst yourselves).

And you both need breaks. I took a page from my hubby's book & rather than asking if it was ok to make plans, I just made the plans, let him know I was heading out & then just left (biting my tongue the whole time so that I wouldn't give him a mile long list of things to do my way ). It was nerve wracking the first few times because I thought for sure he'd screw everything up. :laughing: Granted, he never does anything the way I would but they all have a blast together, everyone's alive when I get home & I'm refreshed & rejuvenated & ready to dive back in. Win win.

I would say that I probably get out (or have girlfriends over to my place) 3-4 times/month. Plus extra anytime I just start to feel trapped/overwhelmed/under appreciated/depressed/etc. For me, those are all signs that my batteries need recharging.

 

It is most certainly not asking too much to have your DH take the kids while you get out! I went out last Friday and am going away with friends again tomorrow for half day. Its imperative for your emotional well being! There are times when I barely go somewhere once a month without the kids and other times were it is weekly. I'm a much better mom when I have had sometime for myself. I explain to my husband how much of a huge job being a SAHM is with this perspective: when he is sick, he comes home from work and sleeps it off. When I am sick, I must continue to do everything I do every other day despite feeling like death. There are no breaks from being a SAHM on a regular day. I don't get a lunch break, I don't get to sit around and gossip with co-workers, I have to cook, clean, run errands, do projects with the kids, clean up dog poop, laundry, school-work (my own), all while getting in at least an hour of exercise a day and sometimes even a shower (big sometimes). If these things don't get done, everything else falls apart; I end up with a messy house, cranky kids, and an unfed and grouchy husband.

A day to yourself (or just time to yourself in general) should not be a thing you have to negotiate with your husband. It needs to be a given for your emotional well-being.

 

you absolutely need time for you! Some days the minute DH walks in the door I'm gone - even if its just to run to the drugstore for 10 minutes! I start getting hateful and mean if I get too overwhelmed!

 

I hear you, I feel like that so much at times, sometimes I wonder how I signed up for this...! My DH works 6 days per week and is gone by 6am and sometimes not home until 6pm by which time the babes are in bed. I am so lucky though that my mum drives an hour each way to come and help every week sometimes twice per week, but usually these few hours, I'm just running around like crazy doing errands or taking the babies to the dr's. I do my grocery shopping at night time and I still have to organise dinner for DH! Sometimes I feel like I have another child on top of the three I already have! When he is home, he's busy working on his car or in the yard and if he is "watching" the babies, the tv is on and it is most likely that he is watching!

But in saying that, I do just what Rachel suggested, I tell him that on this day when he gets back from work (on Saturdays he gets about 2ish) I am going out (usually with my older DD) and won't be back for a couple of hours and then as soon as he walks in the door, we leave!

Right now I am at my mum's for a few days (school holidays so nice to spend some time all together!) and it is so relaxing to be around someone who just helps without being asked, not to mentioned being cooked for!

 

Thank you all!! I appreciate your feedback...and need to find some "me" time VERY soon!

I will report back after my much needed spa day! Thank you again! I feel like I needed to know that I was not the only one feeling like this and that there is hope! I was beginning to wonder if this is just what it is to be a mom and felt like I was failing at this...like I could not handle it.

Thank you all for the support! You ladies are awesome!

 

I'm not currently a SAHM--but I was home for a full year after my girls were born. For the first six months I felt exactly like you. I talked to my husband, and I realized he had no idea what it was like to take care of everything a SAHM takes care of and also to not interact with adults on a regular basis.
Luckily for us, I needed my gall bladder out. When the girls were 7 months old I was in the hospital for 3 days--best thing that ever happened to our family. After three days of being completely in charge of two babies--my husband was a changed man. For his benefit, for his children's benefit, and for mine as well.
I think every father deserves that chance to have that kind of relationship with his children.
So I suggest you go more than a spa day--plan yourself a weekend away. Visit an old friend, or a relative you don't see often. Go to a retreat or a shopping trip to NYC. What ever works for you.

 

Having a baby and complications following it which rendered me useless for about a week changed things- my DH was floored by what it takes to run a house when you SAH. And he does work with me on dinner cleanup and we pickup the living area every night normally so it's not like he wasn't used to working on chores.

 

I get way more appreciation when DH is on vacation.

 

I also feel this way!! It is tough!! And tough to be home all the time with no adult diversions during the day! I know the weather is just warming up now, but for me I find just going outside makes a HUGE difference to my mental state.

Also, re your DH, think of it this way. He may be getting paid, but by you staying home, you are effectively saving/making the thousands of dollars it would cost to put them in childcare and get a job. Therefore, you are also making money and working a job Heck, it's probably a relief for him to get out of the house every day And when he gets home, you both continue working-you at home and he at home now. I don't think I spelled it out quite as well as the original place that I read it (and I can't remember where that was, of course) but it helps me a lot in avoiding the 'Martyr Mom' syndrome.

 

Oh my its definitely time for mom to get some ME time. You HAVE to have that or you will burn out so quickly. What time do you LO go to bed? Hubby and I put the boys to bed at 7-730 pm and we use that time for "US" time or sometimes he will go downstairs and play video games for "HIM" time and I will do my thing.

Also, do you have anyone who can baby sit? Time for a date night! I'm sure you hubby won't mind giving a lil more time to the tots so you can go take care of yourself. I was there in your same position when my tots were under a year. I felt like a Cog machine. You have to get a break. Good luck!