Rivalry, Competition, and Laziness

So, I haven't been on here for some time...but have always found that posting can be quite cathartic for me!!

I have twin boys age 5 (already! wow!!)and I have been noticing, gladly, their independant natures blossoming... its been great but extremely challenging...

There are two main issues that literally make me want to jump off a cliff...

First...both boys have some sort of "push your buttons" internal radar as they constantly scream and fight and annoy each other - which honestly is expected with brothers - but what gets me is this sort of rivalry over who gets to open the front door, or who turns on the TV or use the clicker, or who gets to select the dessert etc... and if one gets it first the other SCREAMS CRIES TURNS BLUE into an outrageous meltdown (they don't last long - but are extreme in that its for the most minor thing!)... it is an obvious power struggle between the two but considering this happens 2,3,4x a day I am constantly breaking them up and trying to explain the better way of dealing with the situation etc... I REALLY need some better ideas and advice on how to handle these situations as what I'm doing I don't think is working and the hardest part is not being able to PREDICT when these crazy meltdowns are going to occur to prevent them in the first place...by the way... fatigue is often a factor!!


Secondly - Mason has realized that if he sets his mind to do something chances are he can accomplish it - biking, skating, hockey, anything really...and he is incredibly helpful - helping to make up his room or set the table - all mostly with out argument or struggle and sometimes without even asking!! - we still have our clashes when he doesn't want to dress himself etc. but mostly he aims to please - not just me but himself...its a wonder really - a real blessing!!
Austin, on the other hand, relentlessly tries to do the least he can - to sit around and have everyone do it for him...it is a constant battle to dress, to go outside to play, to ride his bike, to try to learn how to skate, to learn to swim, to help tidy up - really anything - if he could, he would keep his pajamas on all day and lie about on the couch and watch tv and have everyone serve him... The fact that I have to coax, push convince, bribe, reward and or punish for almost every scenario is not only tiring but he obviously doesn't think anything of it anymore... BUT if its something he REALLY wants to do - he will be the first one dressed, shoes coats, hats and mitts and out the door in a flash telling everyone to hurry up along the way...

So suffice it to say - although they are identical twins they definately have their differences...

I could REALLY use some ideas or advice as I've tried all the tactics I know - and the last thing I want to do to them (or have others do) is to start comparing them against each other (as their teacher has just recently done!!)and have them resent each other...

ANY advice would be great! Thanks for reading!! Hope to hear soon, Emilie

 

How much time do they get apart? If they can be separated more, I would start there. And it's not only school. It's getting different playdates, one on one time with mom and dad, having their own space that they are completely in control over. If I was around someone 24/7, I'd probably scream at them too.

I think I would get on a big taking turns spree. Instead of keeping track of every little thing just have one day where one gets to be first and make decisions, and then the next day switch.

I would provide incentive for the lazier one to get motivated. You can use stickers or treats if that's what works, but I just started in with the concept of "no work, no money". Five is around the time when mine started getting the idea of money and wanting it to buy things. We do not do allowances. We reward work. We have jobs we do because we all live here. Those are things like picking up your toys and cleaning up after yourself. Those do not get any money. And then we have $1 chores. Those are extra cleaning help. You could make it being dressed by yourself every day for a week to get the $1. My daughter can be lazy at times. She'd rather curl up in her bed and read than do most anything. But I've noticed in the last 3 or 4 months she has become quite helpful. It also helped pointing out that it's really not fair to mommy for them to make the mess and me to do all the clean-up.

I hope you find something to help.

Marissa

 

One of the other ladies on here (I think it was MichelleL but I might be remembering wrong) posted the other day about how they use the calendar to divide the days between her girls. So one gets the even days and one gets the odd days. When it's their day they get to go first/choose for all those little things you were talking about (opening the door, turning on the TV, picking dessert). Maybe that would work well for your boys, they should be old enough to understand the idea easily.
I agree that getting some time apart would probably help too.

As for one being more motivated than the other, personally I wouldn't worry too much. Obviously you need to continue to push Austin to do things like get dressed/help tidy up and make sure that he doesn't spend all his time watching TV, but if he doesn't want to practice bike riding or skating I think that is his choice.
I talk with my twins, when the subject comes up, about how lots of things require you to practice at them to become good. Also how different people find different things easy and different things hard, but even something you find easy from the start you can get better at by practising. The more you practice the faster you will improve. I remember one time when my older girls were around your boys' age we saw some girls at the park skipping (jump rope). Alyssa decided she wanted to be able to do that and she spent the next few days practising loads with her skipping rope at home until she was good at it. The next week Bryony was trying to skip too and got cross that she wasn't as good as Alyssa. I pointed out that Alyssa had worked really hard and practised a lot to get better, if she wanted to be that good she would have to practice just as hard. Within another week or so Bryony was up to the same level.
What I'm trying to say is that I think it's OK for one to be ahead of the other in something and for the second one to improve/catch up at their own pace when they want to. One day he will decide he wants to be able to ride his bike without stabilisers or do a skating trick or whatever and then he will be motivated to practice. As long as he's not feeling bad about his brother being at a higher level than him it's fine.

 

We've always told the girls if you are going to fight over it you can't have it(toys) or do it (actions).

On the laziness we take away privileges. If they are slow to pick up their toys at bed then they don't get a story

 

Its really interesting to read these!! THANK YOU!!!

The boys definately need time apart - we are in a very small community and its hard to find activities to seperate them (as they are always put in the same age group) - and in school they are together as our enrollment is too small to have different classes - there is hardly any time spent apart and I've been researching ways to do that...I know that will definately help

My mom also mentioned the odd day even day thing too...I've been a little reluctant to do that only because they are both so scheduled (which would make it work well) but I didn't want them relying on that and using it forever - I really wanted them to try and figure it out - however I think I will try it for a short time and see if that eases the skirmishes a bit...and I suppose they will grow out of that routine...

Regarding the laziness - I've tried everything from offering rewards stickers candy money all to "you will end up sitting in your room all day" "lose your story" "all the toys on the floor are going in the garbage bag" type threats... The only way its calm and easy is obviously when he gets the help (even just a little-like being in the room) I sometimes wonder if its purely an attention getter - I am fairly stubborn myself and will stand my ground on many issues - and don't want to have them view me as a push over - but some times I just feel so mean...ugh! and would hate to have them think of me as a hard, strict, mean mom!!!

Anway, more ideas are greatly appreciated!! I am going to try the different days with them - and will keep you posted!!