Response to advice I recieved on my post

WOW Do I feel like the worst mother!! The majority of those of you that responded to my post were very negative. I love getting advice from all of you and trust what you say. I mistakenly confused CIO with fussing/crying. I now know it means leaving them to cry themselves to sleep and not give in to soothing them yourself.

By no means did I mean I would just leave my one month old to cry intentionally. I meant that post as to ask how long is it okay for my LO is fuss/cry while having to tend to my other babys needs at the same time. As you all know. I am now SOLO taking care of my 3 children. DH works four hours away and can only be home every other weekend. I am totally stressing because I feel horrible that I cant seem to tend to all three of my children at the same time. Seems as though one is always having to wait.

For instance, Kelsey had an explosive diaper yesterday and my dear Ryley has horrible acid reflux. I had to take care of Kelsey's diaper and I felt horrible as Ryley laid in his bouncy seat crying in pain and wanting to be picked up. I immediately scooped him up once I was finished with Kelsey. I was curious to know if I wasn't alone in having to let one baby fuss/cry for a few minutes while having to take care of the other baby's needs. I simply don't have enough hands....

In response to CALLEN's reply to my post. I would never let my baby cry for so long as to cause him to choke and die. You made me feel like the worst mother! That story was horrible and I cried as I read it.

I know all of you meant well and it was mostly my fault for using "CIO" when I meant fussing/crying. I am not familar with CIO and didn't do this with my DS....I confused the two.

Please know that I am doing the best I can and can't possibly tend to my babies needs immediately and at the same time. I feel so horrible that yall prob think I would just let my one month old cry and cry and not bother to see to him!

 

I am sorry I didnt see your original post-had I, I would have told you not to feel guilty about having to let your babies cry to tend to a child that needs you-it is so tough to take care of three kids by your self and you can only do so much.
Hang in there-you are not a horrible mother!
I have a 4yo and the babies are 1yo and they all were/are very needy. Your babies will be okay if they have to cry for a little while. Hugs to you! You are doing your best and that is all anyone can ask!

 

Don't worry about it. I didn't read your thread but try not to let it get you down. You confused the terms. It's okay!!

You're a great mommy!!!

 

QUOTE(Korey @ Jan 26 2009, 12:21 PM) [snapback]1162468[/snapback]
WOW Do I feel like the worst mother!! The majority of those of you that responded to my post were very negative. I love getting advice from all of you and trust what you say. I mistakenly confused CIO with fussing/crying. I now know it means leaving them to cry themselves to sleep and not give in to soothing them yourself.

By no means did I mean I would just leave my one month old to cry intentionally. I meant that post as to ask how long is it okay for my LO is fuss/cry while having to tend to my other babys needs at the same time. As you all know. I am now SOLO taking care of my 3 children. DH works four hours away and can only be home every other weekend. I am totally stressing because I feel horrible that I cant seem to tend to all three of my children at the same time. Seems as though one is always having to wait.

For instance, Kelsey had an explosive diaper yesterday and my dear Ryley has horrible acid reflux. I had to take care of Kelsey's diaper and I felt horrible as Ryley laid in his bouncy seat crying in pain and wanting to be picked up. I immediately scooped him up once I was finished with Kelsey. I was curious to know if I wasn't alone in having to let one baby fuss/cry for a few minutes while having to take care of the other baby's needs. I simply don't have enough hands....

In response to CALLEN's reply to my post. I would never let my baby cry for so long as to cause him to choke and die. You made me feel like the worst mother! That story was horrible and I cried as I read it.

I know all of you meant well and it was mostly my fault for using "CIO" when I meant fussing/crying. I am not familar with CIO and didn't do this with my DS....I confused the two.

Please know that I am doing the best I can and can't possibly tend to my babies needs immediately and at the same time. I feel so horrible that yall prob think I would just let my one month old cry and cry and not bother to see to him!


Sounds like you are doing what is right. You do what you can and the best you can.. I would always prioritze especially at that age, based on what they are crying about and personality, for me if both were crying, sometimes i kne I could calm one down easily so i'd calm her first, even if the other was crying harder.. depending on the situation and personality of the kid is how i would act.. if one is in pain or crying for a more serious reason maybe that one would be tended to first, it just depends.. and then when you calm one, you can then go to calm the other. Now that they are a little older (6 months) it's a little easier because they can be calmed sometimes with a toy, or even putting them near their sis, ect.. but sometimes i still have to juggle..

 

I just went back and skimmed through your other post, and I think you are right. . .everyone seemed to think you meant you were letting them CIO in terms of just letting them cry and cry and not going in to get them. If you are feeding/changing/burping, etc another baby or tending to your other child, the baby who is crying isnt really CIO, just crying till mommy can get them.

Im sure you are doing a great job!! Dont get discouraged. And to answer your original question, I think if you are changing a diaper or making a bottle, etc, they shouldnt really be crying for more than 10 minutes or so.. that seems a little long. Have you tried holding them both, if you know they dont need to eat? At that stage, you really need sleep so I wouldnt worry as much about getting them to sleep in the pack n play.. I personally would do whatever I could to get some sleep.

(But this is coming from someone whose 2 1/2 yr old still gets up in the middle of the night to get in my bed) :blush:

 

I read the original post, also replied too. Gosh, I know it was all a misunderstanding.....when my guys were little I didn't even know what CIO was, until we started to use those techniques to get them to sleep at night. I too was a little confused about the question...I wish that wouldn't have made you cry thats awful. Your a good mommy! Its not easy being solo especially with 3, I was solo with just the 2, and when both babies need you all you can do is your best, they will fuss/cry, you'll get there....Thats one of the hardest things i've had to deal with. Hang in there :hug:

 

QUOTE(2plusbgtwins @ Jan 26 2009, 01:41 PM) [snapback]1162515[/snapback]
I just went back and skimmed through your other post, and I think you are right. . .everyone seemed to think you meant you were letting them CIO in terms of just letting them cry and cry and not going in to get them. If you are feeding/changing/burping, etc another baby or tending to your other child, the baby who is crying isnt really CIO, just crying till mommy can get them.

Im sure you are doing a great job!! Dont get discouraged. And to answer your original question, I think if you are changing a diaper or making a bottle, etc, they shouldnt really be crying for more than 10 minutes or so.. that seems a little long. Have you tried holding them both, if you know they dont need to eat? At that stage, you really need sleep so I wouldnt worry as much about getting them to sleep in the pack n play.. I personally would do whatever I could to get some sleep.

(But this is coming from someone whose 2 1/2 yr old still gets up in the middle of the night to get in my bed) :blush:


Thank you,

I do try to hold them both at once but sometimes it seems to upset them more. They cant seem to get comfy and feel all snuggled up with the other in my arms too. I have tried swaddling and this seems to help out more. Kelsey is fine with being swaddled most of the time but last night both wanted to be held, which is fine. I tried to hold them both while rocking in the recliner and poor Ryley kept sliding down. I guess it is just something to get used to.

 

Quote from previous post :

I am trying to get our twins used to sleeping in the pack n play at night vs having to hold them in order for them to sleep. This was fine when my DH could have one baby and I had the other but now that he is returning out of town and I will be solo it just isn't possible for me to hold both at the same time. I have been letting them Cry themselves back to sleep, generally only takes 5-10mins but last night Ryley cried for 20 mins before I gave in and scooped him up. I feel horrible but need them to get used to sleeping on their own without being held. How long is it okay to let them CIO??


I think alot of the confusion comes when you say "cry themselves to sleep." I am sorry that you got a lot of negative comments and that you confused the two.

 

Hi, I went back and skimmed your previous post. I'm sorry the responses weren't helpful for you. You are doing a great job juggling many things at once! I found that to be the hardest part of the newborn stage. I felt horrible when one was crying and I couldn't get to the other one. I was never able to successfully hold both of them either.

Have you tried rocking them in the bouncy chair? I used to hold one, and use my foot to rock one in the bouncy chair. It was a lifesaver for me. My DS really liked the bouncy chair but my DD didn't like it too much. So I would hold DD and bounce DS.
As far as sleeping, do whatever works for you right now. You are in survival mode. Our twins slept in their bouncy chairs in our room until just recently. We are now transitioning to the crib/pack n play. It's going fine. I have a lot more energy to deal with it now that I'm getting more sleep. Take care. You are doing a great job. Beth

ps-the Happiest Baby on the Block is a good DVD/book for soothing newborns. It helped so much!

 

Please refrain from addressing others personally in your posts. This is against TOS.

Offensive Material -Because of the diversity of our community, posted messages must also not belittle the beliefs of other users, either personally directed towards another user or in a general nature. We ask that you use consideration for the feelings, experiences, situations and even national, cultural, religious and ethnic differences of the other members of this community before posting comments that may be considered offensive to others who may not share your views. This includes, but is not limited to using vulgar, profane, or sexually explicit language; using race, religion, sexual orientation, culture, ethnicity, handicap, nationality, or gender as a means of insult; using threatening, harassing, and defamatory, hate-speech, or libelous language; and posting, requesting, or otherwise sharing material considered pornographic, obscene, graphic, or hate speech. This includes, but is not limited to: name-calling; direct insults and orders; insinuations; or insults towards family .

Thanks.

 

QUOTE(DATJMom @ Jan 26 2009, 02:04 PM) [snapback]1162556[/snapback]
Please refrain from addressing others personally in your posts. This is against TOS.

Offensive Material -Because of the diversity of our community, posted messages must also not belittle the beliefs of other users, either personally directed towards another user or in a general nature. We ask that you use consideration for the feelings, experiences, situations and even national, cultural, religious and ethnic differences of the other members of this community before posting comments that may be considered offensive to others who may not share your views. This includes, but is not limited to using vulgar, profane, or sexually explicit language; using race, religion, sexual orientation, culture, ethnicity, handicap, nationality, or gender as a means of insult; using threatening, harassing, and defamatory, hate-speech, or libelous language; and posting, requesting, or otherwise sharing material considered pornographic, obscene, graphic, or hate speech. This includes, but is not limited to: name-calling; direct insults and orders; insinuations; or insults towards family .

Thanks.



Next time I will send a PM instead of responding publicly to a public post. Sorry

 

QUOTE
In response to CALLEN's reply to my post. I would never let my baby cry for so long as to cause him to choke and die. You made me feel like the worst mother! That story was horrible and I cried as I read it.


I never thought or said you would. That post was not even in response to you. It was in reply to someone who said

QUOTE
just know that no baby ever died from crying
.

That story brought tears to my eyes when I read it as well and made such a big impression on me. One of those things in life that stays with you.



I think there is a [SIZE=10pt]big[/SIZE] difference in letting them fuss & closing the door and not responding at all. You originally asked about CIO & that is when I said they were too young.

I do not think you are a bad Mother at all, so I don't know why you let something that is not what you are doing make you feel bad.

I am very sorry if you felt bad, but it was nothing to do with you. Have twinfants is very hard and it would be near impossible to not let them fuss some at some point.

 

I'm sorry about all of the negative responses you received. This too has happened to me where people were just confused about my post and I received lots of negative comments making me feel like a terrible mom. I know its frustrating.

In response to your situation...I'm so sorry you are having to do this alone! Is there any family or friends close by that can help? I dont know what your budget is like but is there any way a nanny could be hired? Even just for a few hours a day? Even a few hours of help can bring a lot of stress relief!
Do you have swings? We bought 2 swings and they have been LIFE SAVERS!!!
I know you are doing the best you can...its hard to do it alone (although I only do it alone during the day) but you just have to do what you can to survive.
Yes, often one baby will cry while you need to tend to the other. Just try to stay calm, its ok for them to cry...even though its hard for mom.

I dont know if any of this has helped but I just wanted to reassure you that your doing fine...keep up the good work!

 

QUOTE(Callen @ Jan 26 2009, 02:11 PM) [snapback]1162571[/snapback]
I never thought or said you would. That post was not even in response to you. It was in reply to someone who said

.

That story brought tears to my eyes when I read it as well and made such a big impression on me. One of those things in life that stays with you.
I think there is a [SIZE=10pt]big[/SIZE] difference in letting them fuss & closing the door and not responding at all. You originally asked about CIO & that is when I said they were too young.

I do not think you are a bad Mother at all, so I don't know why you let something that is not what you are doing make you feel bad.

I am very sorry if you felt bad, but it was nothing to do with you. Have twinfants is very hard and it would be near impossible to not let them fuss some at some point.



Thank you very much. I just didn't want everyone to misunderstand what it was that I meant. I feel horrible that I worded my post wrong and that I misunderstood what CIO actually meant.

 

I'm sorry you were misunderstood.

I know that having 2 kids not quite a year apart is VERY different from newborn twins. We moved when my girls were 3 1/2, 15 months, and 4 months. I knew our new neighbors were going to call CPS on us because it seemed to me like someone was always crying. I could only deal with them one at a time, for example if I was nursing Ellie, Jo would just have to wait. If Jo needed a diaper, Ellie would have to fuss until I was done.

So no, we only have 2 hands and can sometimes only attend to the needs of one child at a time and it's not wrong to have them fuss (or cry!) while you take care of the other one. It must be extra hard with your DH away for work. 2 months before we moved I was home alone with the girls for 6 weeks while my DH started his new job. It was the worst 6 weeks ever. :hug:

 

QUOTE(Korey @ Jan 26 2009, 12:21 PM) [snapback]1162468[/snapback]
The majority of those of you that responded to my post were very negative.

i just read the thread. i realize you're upset and personally invested in the thread, but i didn't see anything that was particularly negative. aside from the last post linking you to a horror story, which was completely unsupportive and inappropriate.

this forum is full of support 99% of the time. i think in your case there were a lot of BTDT kind of responses, which weren't as sensitive as you were hoping for. but overall i don't think anyone intended the negativity you perceived.

i say this only in the hopes that you won't give up on this forum. most of the time it's wonderfully supportive. it would be a shame if you felt you couldn't use this site as a resource after this.

 

QUOTE(Hsuter @ Jan 26 2009, 02:13 PM) [snapback]1162572[/snapback]
I'm sorry about all of the negative responses you received. This too has happened to me where people were just confused about my post and I received lots of negative comments making me feel like a terrible mom. I know its frustrating.

In response to your situation...I'm so sorry you are having to do this alone! Is there any family or friends close by that can help? I dont know what your budget is like but is there any way a nanny could be hired? Even just for a few hours a day? Even a few hours of help can bring a lot of stress relief!
Do you have swings? We bought 2 swings and they have been LIFE SAVERS!!!
I know you are doing the best you can...its hard to do it alone (although I only do it alone during the day) but you just have to do what you can to survive.
Yes, often one baby will cry while you need to tend to the other. Just try to stay calm, its ok for them to cry...even though its hard for mom.

I dont know if any of this has helped but I just wanted to reassure you that your doing fine...keep up the good work!



Thank u so much. Actually I have started back at my job today full time and I have a nanny coming to my home to watch the babies. DS is in Pre-K. I know she is having the time of her life....she is very experienced although this is her first set of twins.

I have 2 mini swings and 1 bouncy. I purchased the bouncy last weekend because my babies were getting tired of their swings. They seem to like the bouncy but not for too long of a time.

I do have family close by but none that is able to help. My mom still has my 11 yr old sister at home and is needed there. My close friends all have small children and are unable to help out much. This is the beginning, I know things will be rough at first but I know it will eventually get easier. There is alot of adjusting to do.

 

QUOTE(piccologirl @ Jan 26 2009, 02:18 PM) [snapback]1162587[/snapback]
i just read the thread. i realize you're upset and personally invested in the thread, but i didn't see anything that was particularly negative. aside from the last post linking you to a horror story, which was completely unsupportive and inappropriate.

this forum is full of support 99% of the time. i think in your case there were a lot of BTDT kind of responses, which weren't as sensitive as you were hoping for. but overall i don't think anyone intended the negativity you perceived.

i say this only in the hopes that you won't give up on this forum. most of the time it's wonderfully supportive. it would be a shame if you felt you couldn't use this site as a resource after this.



I agree and thank you. I love this forum and have loved TS since I found out I was expecting Twins! Everyone on here is so wonderful and I love how everyone knows what others are going thru. I will not let this misunderstanding turn me away from TS. I value each and every one of you!

 

QUOTE(DATJMom @ Jan 26 2009, 01:56 PM) [snapback]1162544[/snapback]
Quote from previous post :

I am trying to get our twins used to sleeping in the pack n play at night vs having to hold them in order for them to sleep. This was fine when my DH could have one baby and I had the other but now that he is returning out of town and I will be solo it just isn't possible for me to hold both at the same time. I have been letting them Cry themselves back to sleep, generally only takes 5-10mins but last night Ryley cried for 20 mins before I gave in and scooped him up. I feel horrible but need them to get used to sleeping on their own without being held. How long is it okay to let them CIO??
I think alot of the confusion comes when you say "cry themselves to sleep." I am sorry that you got a lot of negative comments and that you confused the two.


I totally agree with this.

I'm sorry, I was definitely one that responded and said your babies were too young for CIO. I understood what is quoted above as you needing to get your babies to be able to go to sleep on their own since your DH was out of town for work - specifically the part that says "letting them cry themselves back to sleep...". I think that is where people got confused.

I've not met anyone on here who intentionally tries to make anyone feel like a bad mom! You are definitely not a bad mom - you have a ton on your plate right now. And babies - especially when there are 2 and an older sibling - are going to cry sometimes. When mine were first born through a few months old one was always crying while I was getting the other one latched on to nurse, cried when they were laid down to get a diaper changed, etc. Please don't feel badly that your babies have to cry sometimes. That is just much different than what your original post implied. I'm sorry for the misunderstandings! :hug:

 

Kristy-
I think I understood what you were saying in your post, that is why I responded the way I did, if you want any additional help in getting them to sleep on your own please PM and I would happy to help :hug: Being a twin mom IS hard and it sounds like your doing a great job.

 

Hi, I didn't see your original post, but you are only one person and you have to prioratise (sp) which one needs tended to first. I am a single mom since day one and I, more than anyone knows how hard it is, I couldn't imaging having twins plus another child!!! I give you credit!! You are only human and can only do what you can. I am sure a little cryin wont hurt them... It's not like your on the couch watching TV neglecting your babies!!
What does "CIO stand for anyway???? Good luck!

 

QUOTE(excitedk @ Jan 26 2009, 03:22 PM) [snapback]1162841[/snapback]
Kristy-
I think I understood what you were saying in your post, that is why I responded the way I did, if you want any additional help in getting them to sleep on your own please PM and I would happy to help :hug: Being a twin mom IS hard and it sounds like your doing a great job.

I should have chimed in on that thread because I really agree with the other Kristi's (excitedk) response to you, and once she posted I felt she said what I was thinking.

There's a big difference between CIO as a strategy to get babies to sleep, and letting one baby cry while you tend to another baby or tend to other important things. I know I had to let my babies cry a lot in the beginning because I could only breastfeed them one at a time, and if one got hungry while the other ate, I would have to let him cry for a while (if it got really bad I'd go to the fridge for pumped milk, which certainly didn't help my breastmilk supply). You're only one person, and you only have 2 hands--we simply can't be everywhere at once. If the baby needs to cry so you can get important things done and keep your sanity, there is nothing wrong with that.

 

I didn't see your original post either. I am sorry that you were made to feel like a terrible mother. It is really hard to take care of two babies at the same time. I have this dilemna still at times and probably will until they are old enough to do more things on their own. Don't feel bad, it is something we all go through, especially when we are alone. It is so much easier when there is more than one person home. It also gets a little easier when they are bigger and aren't quite as needy. I am sure you are doing a great job, just feeling how you do proves that you love your babies. GL.

Jen

 

Sorry for the misunderstanding. It sounds like you are doing everything you can, you're a good mom, doing a great job.

 

Hey Momma, Just hang in there!! You only have two hands, just remember that!! Also, please, don't scoop both the babies up at one time (take you time, trust me, it won't kill them to wait 2 minutes while you put one in a swing or down on the floor).. Im a Momma of 4 with a Trucker as a husband (I see him once a week for around 34 hours)... It is rough, just hang in there!! It does get better, I promise (and mine are only 4 months old)!!!

PS, Im soo sorry for the rude comments you got on the other post... Just remember that these people aren't in your house and not always go through what you are going through...

 

You are a great Mommy! Hang in there!

 

hmmmm...ok, am I totally missing something here? Was there a major edit on the original post?

I read through all of the responses and I didn't take any of them as negative. Seriously. I thought everyone
was really nice and understanding. Yes, people said, "hey, no they are a little too young to cry it out...don't do
cry it out this early, too young for cry it out,etc." AND, they added a nice hug sign or a "no, too young for cry it out, but hey I know where
you are coming from, I had to do it too and it was the worst thing ever." Then, even gave advice, such as try bouncy, try swing, try
this or that.

Didn't the original post ask for specific advice regarding letting the babies cry?
In no instance did the original post ask about "crying while the other is being changed or while the other is being
tended to."

I understand everyone felt bad because of this follow up post here, and felt they needed to write something. Nobody even said anything
about anyone being a bad mom or what an idiot to try cry it out, or anything near that.
And, the excited (?) poster was only commenting on another posters comment, no way shape or form suggesting the original poster
was putting their babies into danger.

I thought the responses were helpful and they answered the question. hmmmm. weird.

 

QUOTE(Kate1587 @ Jan 26 2009, 10:05 PM) [snapback]1163562[/snapback]
hmmmm...ok, am I totally missing something here? Was there a major edit on the original post?

I read through all of the responses and I didn't take any of them as negative. Seriously. I thought everyone
was really nice and understanding. Yes, people said, "hey, no they are a little too young to cry it out...don't do
cry it out this early, too young for cry it out,etc." AND, they added a nice hug sign or a "no, too young for cry it out, but hey I know where
you are coming from, I had to do it too and it was the worst thing ever." Then, even gave advice, such as try bouncy, try swing, try
this or that.

Didn't the original post ask for specific advice regarding letting the babies cry?
In no instance did the original post ask about "crying while the other is being changed or while the other is being
tended to."

I understand everyone felt bad because of this follow up post here, and felt they needed to write something. Nobody even said anything
about anyone being a bad mom or what an idiot to try cry it out, or anything near that.
And, the excited (?) poster was only commenting on another posters comment, no way shape or form suggesting the original poster
was putting their babies into danger.

I thought the responses were helpful and they answered the question. hmmmm. weird.


Hmmm, and I don't find this post to supportive to anybody

 

QUOTE(excitedk @ Jan 27 2009, 12:08 AM) [snapback]1163566[/snapback]
Hmmm, and I don't find this post to supportive to anybody


Well, I was just stating what I thought. I'm sure she is doing a terrific job. And, yes, it was nice for everyone to
retract their original posts, but that's not what they really thought, nor do they now. Come on. Seriously.
We all know there is no way in h&$% we would let a one month-two month old cry it out. She felt bad because
so many people said, "hey you shouldn't do that", apparently she felt scolded. Now everyone is trying to make her
feel better by saying they "didn't mean it that way."

When, really, she did nothing wrong. She's a new twin mom on her own asking a question. Yes, we should have said,
oh, honey, oh no, no cry it out, but here are some things you could try...

Hey...wait...that's what we DID do.