responding to questions about fertility treatments?

Ok, so I've got the "do twins run in your family?" question down - I just smile and say, "No! This is the first pair on both sides! We are very excited." But I am not sure how I will respond to questions about fertility treatments (we did many, many cycles of IUI and IVF to get these babies). So far, I have told both people that have asked directly, "yes, we had some help." But these were both close friends. How do you respond to strangers or even less close friends asking this type of question? I don't want to be rude or embarass people - I just want to have a socially appropriate answer that doesn't involve too much personal information. Are there other questions that people ask?

 

I always thought it was really rude for people to just come out and ask; therefore, I think any response is fair. For me, I always just tell the truth. I figure I don't know why someone is asking. Maybe they are having trouble too and looking for support. It doesn't bother me to talk about it, so I just tell them and answer any questions they have. Although I have been known to describe the babies as genetically engineered bionic beings if people are being really dense in their questions.

 

:hug:

Personally, I have yet to tell anyone that asks me this question the truth that we did get help. ardon: It's not any of their business, honestly, and I don't ask anyone how they got their kids. If you don't want to tell the public (whether it be a stranger or family/friends) then don't, just tell them it just happened. :hug: I think many are just trying to make small talk.

 

I hate that question!!! It doesn't matter how you conceived- nobody asks this of "singletons". I can't help you on the fertility drugs end, but for my boys I think a rude, invasive question begs a fun response. I usually say (said it today when I met a chiropractor for the first time) "No, we had sex". It usually does the trick! I'm supposing that most of us have, with our significant others. Even if you used drugs or IVF or something else, someone had to have sexual contact somewhere down the line in order to get the required DNA...

Good luck!

Michelle

 

We get this all the time as well! These are Frozen IVF babies and this is what I have done/do.

In the case that I have NO IDEA who they are....I tell them that no twins don't run in the family, this is a first and no we didn't go through fertility for them. I will never see these people again, so I have no problem telling them.

In the case that they are people I will see again, I tell them no twins don't run in the family, we did require some help, but its a little personal so I would rather not share all the details. People will respect this. I have said "I don't mean to be rude at all"....so on and so forth. I personally just don't like small talk. I did have one not so close friend of a friend ask me if I did fertility and that she was going to be going through it....in that case, I told her everything that she might need to know.

For my close friends....I am an open book! I'm totally willing to tell my friends and family what I have gone through becuase its nothing to be ashamed of. I also think that my story is inspiring and hope-filled....its something I'm pround to say that I have accomplished.

So, don't worry about embarassing others, its not really their place to ask and make you feel weird about it.

 

If you do ever want to be rude, I'm a fan of telling people, "Are we going to talk about how your children were conceived/your sex life after we talk about mine?" Depending on the situation. It really is a VERY rude question.

 

I think this is a very rude question for strangers to ask. I tell friends and close family that we had help with the twins, most know anyway since we didn't need help with our oldest DD. But if a stranger or someone I don't know very well asks me that question, I just lie, I don't think they need to know that, it's personal. ardon:

 

I hate this question too. I didn't have fertility treatments or anything, but I did do IUI do to a sperm issue of my hubbys. It is so rude of people to even ask, I usually just say no and drop it. But so many people just assume, even my friends, that I was on clomid or did IVF.... most of the time I just let them assume whatever they want.

Molly
36 weeks today!

 

I agree that it is incredibly rude for anyone to ask this question. If you volunteer the information (and trust me -- I volunteer plenty), fine, but otherwise it should not be asked. On the other hand, I have found that often times you can sort of guage why people are asking. I have ended up sharing my experience with others (male and female) who are also struggling to conceive and I was able to recommend my doctor or point them in the right direction for help. I think it just depends on the situation and you get very savvy about knowing whether people are just being rude and nosy or seeking information for their own purposes.

 

That's always the first question isn't it?? Our son and our two on the way are IVF babies, and I will usually always say this when people ask if twins run... If it's people I know well, they already know because this was our sixth cycle, and our son was our first (he's 5 1/2), so they know the long road we've been on. With others, I just say, "nope these are our miracle in-vitro babies just like their brother" and move on. I'm kind of in the mindset that I don't want infertility to be something that has to be whispered about behind closed doors, and it isn't something you can diagnose by looking at someone. My hubby and I were 26, perfectly healthy, never smoked, never drank when we first walked through our RE's doors - so I think it's good for others to see that it can affect anyone. But to each his own, and you certainly shouldn't have to answer this question if you don't feel comfortable with it. I think another poster on here said her answer to do twins run...is "they do now".

Laura

 

Isn't IUI a fertility treatment? I have always included it in my understanding, but now I'm wondering if I'm missing something?

 

IUI is intrauterine insemination. Basically, just taking sperm and using a catheter to put it into the uterus so that it may find the egg and fertilize it. It has nothing to do with fertility, really. We went this route because my hubby is sterile. I have no fertility issues. I am quite fertile! LOL. But, I cannot concieve with my hubby, since he is "shooting blanks". (sorry for the over share....)

Molly

 

We have the same issue, and I also had an IUI, although our situation is too severe to allow for that to work, and we ended up with IVF/ICSI. I also have no fertility issues, but I just always considered IUI to fall under the "fertility treatment" blanket. I guess I never really thought about it too much.

 

Yes, but the previous poster is correct in that this is in fact a fertility treatment and the cause is a fertility issue -- albeit a male one. I had IVF with ICSI because my husband has a high number of abnormal sperm and poor motility. ICSI addresses the male fertility issues. Not trying to be argumentative, but just want to make the point that fertility issues are not limited to the woman. They are both male and female.

 

Hi. I also cannot believe how often this question is asked! Especially how many people that I barely know that directly ask are they "natural" or "did you use fertility treatments?" It really frustrates me and as I am only 16 weeks and am just now starting to get this question from strangers I haven't really figured out my approach yet either. I think I am going to go with the "No twins don't run in the family" and leave it at that. I am not ashamed of the miracle that was used to conceive our twins (IVF/with ICSI for same issue as PP) but I just think it is very personal and strangers and distant friends do not need to know. Of course, close family and friends know all about it as it was a such a shock because we had no issues conceiving DS a few years before.

Good luck finding your strategy!

 

We get that question all of the time and it irritates me to no end! It's nobody's business and incredibly rude! We actually have twins on both sides of our family so I always say that followed by "Jackpot!" No one except a few family members and a close friend know of our IF struggles. You could always say "No they don't run in our family, but they have to start somewhere!"

 

And I also agree with PP that male factor is definitely considered infertility. In fact, it accounts for 50% of infertility issues!

 

I hate this question more than anything. Our daughter is 5 and was conceived via IVF. Boys were conceived via FET. Our family knows what we went through, so there is no asking. But as far as strangers go I just tell them this is the first set of twins on both sides, most people are satisfied with that answer but there are some that will ask if we went with fertility treatment and my answer is yes, end of discussion.

 

For some reason that is usually the first question people ask "Do twins run in your family?"
I always respond by "Yes, they do now!" We don't tell strangers that come up and ask we tried 11 years to get pregnant and finally were successful with clomid. Only family knows that I took fertility meds.

 

With our DD's pregnancy I was very open about sharing the fact that we did IVF. I was so happy to be pregnant I didn't care who knew "how" it happened but with this pregnancy I get the question more often (since it's twins). I'm not as open this time around b/c it seems more strangers are asking. I am VERY open with my family about everything and even friends. What I hate is saying yes we did IVF with our DD and FET with this pregnancy then I have to explain what FET is and if these two and DD's would be triplets since they came from the same cycle(some people are just dense). It's just to much info to give strangers. So when asked if twins run in the family I say yes (b/c they do) and I say my DD was a twin but we lost her twin at 6 weeks. Usually talking about that loss shuts them up. If they ask the fertility question I just tell them no.

 

Our twins were spontaneously conceived, but I always find it amusing that people will ask this question...I like to make them feel awkward right back and say "Nope, just lots of great sex!" That usually makes them uncomfortable and ends the question. Hopefully they'll think twice the next time~!

 

On the IUI issue-- just to help clarify (I didn't do this, but am in the medical field), it IS a fertility aide, but it shouldn't have ANY effect on the number of eggs fertilized unless combined with medications that effect ovulation. Conceiving multiples is affected by either 1) ovulation of more than one egg (random, familial or drugs) 2) the egg splitting (again random or seen at higher rate in IVF) or 3) implantation of more than one embryo (IVF-- whether this is with ICSI or without). A higher concentration of sperm/selected sperm etc (as seen in IUI) has not been associated with multiples-- and physiologically doesn't make sense. So the person who conceives multiples with IUI only DID use a fertility aide-- but this had NO EFFECT on the multiple conception, ie Twins.

 

I hear it all of the time "are they natural?" Pretty sure sex is a natural thing! However, we had wondered if we would be able to conceive because my husband was previously married and they didn't try nor try to prevent from getting pregnant for 4 years, but nothing ever came of it. In the beginning of our relationship I had questioned this and he went to the doctor just to see what they thought. They told him that the morphology of his sperm (sorry tmi) was not good at all, but told us to be on our way till we tried for a year!


WELL, not even a year later, here we are! lol We didn't try, I was on birth control, but I had gotten really sick at the beginning of January (temp of 103 for 9 days, what I thought was a kidney infection or kidney stone, etc etc etc, however the doctors thought I had a liver problem, never have gotten it figured out) I apparently wasn't sick enough that I didn't want sick one night I know I didn't miss any pills, but we think the medicine they gave me for my "liver" problem affected the pills, even though at the time I was told it wouldn't. We will never know! I just know we have 2 little miracles on the way!!

 

I understand there can be male issues. However, in my case, my husband is sterile. So, yes he has an issue. BUT not one that can be fixed. So for us, we went the route of a sperm donor. The only way to use a sperm donor is to have someone help you get it where it needs to go.... if you know what I mean. So, I guess yes it was an AIDE (assisted pregnancy) in that respect, but no other methods were used IE: ovulation drugs, cycle regulators, IVF, etc....which would have affected whether or not I concieved twins.

RAINBABIES09 - Thanks for the CLARIFICATION.

And, for my long response to others, sorry, I just get tired of people automatically assuming this is the reason I am having twins, cause it isn't. This is my second pregnancy, same method. First was a beautiful single girl. I just happen to occasionally ovulate with more than one egg, naturally. Fraternals run on my moms side - heavily. And, I am 35, so that also increased the possibility of two.

So, perhaps I AM overly sensitive to that question. LOL.

Molly
36 weeks today!

 

Here's what I said (100 mg clomid):

"I have a set of cousins that are twins" (which I do, but since they're through the paternal part of the family tree and my great-aunt, their mother, married in, there's actually no genetic connection...but they don't need to know that).

"Twins are much more common in older mothers" (although I was only 37 when I conceived them, which isn't really old enough, for me, to get the hyperovulation that can come with perimenopause).

And for friends, "I took some drugs to get my hormones balanced out"

And for really, really close friends, "We used clomid".

Ironically, my new OB/GYN worked out that I had high prolactin, which was suppressing ovulation, so once I got that down, my body took over. Is the baby "natural", or not? Really, really close friends know the whole story.

 

Ours were spontaneous and I've only been asked by 2 random strangers "were they natural?" I have answered that they were, but I guess I would probably feel differently if I had gone through treatments. In that case, I would probably think it's no one's business to be asking about it. I'm sure the question will get asked a lot more once the twins are out and more random people will be aware of them (I am not much on small talk with strangers so I probably discourage questions currently). I like the "just lots of sex" answer!

 

I alsothink these qustions are very rude & figure that its because people have few social graces & like to gossip.
My close friends & family know about the whole fertility saga for the last 2 years especiaaly since i m/c at 8 weeks last year.
Anyone else that asks I say "yes, twins do run in my family" as my sister has twins also via FET so its no lie & unless i get the feeling that they
are having issues then i lie about the fertility treatments. It's too personal to talk about with srangers or associates,
I wouldn't ask them how their pap smear went!!!!!!
Good luck

 

Ditto. I feel exactly the same way. Heck, only our immediate family knows we did IVF. I wont tell anyone else. ardon:

 

I used to get annoyed easily by this question but somehow recently I just started not caring. So people always ask "do they run in your family". I just say "nope fertility drugs" and they look shocked then I say "all my kids were fertility drugs...thank God for those things or I would never have any kids!". (I used Gonal-F and booster). People then seem shocked that singletons can come from fert drugs...that cracks me up more than anything!

 

It is the question I hate the most! I don't know why, I mean I not ashamed of having to have a little help. I guess I am just more private about it. But...my friends.family know. My husband tells people we got a little "miracle grow" (i.e., clomid). What I tell people, just depends on who is asking me. Usually, I just say "no - but I think there was a set somewhere." and let it go.

I agree it is very rude and I would NEVER ask someone else that kind of personal question. I like the PP response "no we had sex." I am going to use that from now on.

Niki

 

I think every single person we've told has asked "do they run in the family?" Does get a bit old. I think people are just curious and don't know what to say. Then of course its followed by " you're going to have your hands full" I could do without hearing that again!

Close friends all know our struggles and eventual IFV treatment. I am usually quite happy to talk about it. Truly it is an amazing experience to go through. I am never ashamed that we couldn't make a baby the "real" way. Egg eventually met sperm, and to me that is all that mattered. We have our little miracles!!! It is a very personal subject for a lot of people and tests your own personal strength, the strength of your relationships. But I also wished we'd had people to talk to when we started our journey and that is why I have no problems answering questions because so many other people are struggling with infertility. Granted, there are busybodies who are just nosy. And there are times I use the "no they don't, but they do now!" And just smile. Also some members of my husbands family are not to familiar with how it all works assume since his great grandfather was a twin it must be in the family, we choose to just let them believe this.

 

It is amazing that almost every person who finds out that we're having twins asks us if they run in the family. It's almost like they are programmed to ask. I always say yes (and they do). I have never had anyone ask if we used any fertiltiy treatments - maybe because I say yes to the first question... but if they did I would just say no (we conceived on the firts round of clomid 50mg). It is none of their business at all. Even my family (with the exception of one sister) doesn't know whether we did or not and they haven't asked.