Relationships with DH's now that the twins are here?

So my twins are 4 months...I stay at home with them, my DH works 7am to 4:30 M-F and we have a 3 1/2 year old in FT Day Care (thank God, but in the spring, she'll only be going 2 days a week). Anyway, me and my DH are so short with each other....we barely talk about anything but the kids and it's like constant chaos in the house...constant motion...it's exhausting...by the time all the kids are in bed, it's 8pm...bottles to wash and prep, lunch to prepare for the next day, laundry to start, straighten up the house a bit, dishes to do, blah blah blah...we're exhausted and both ready for bed by 9pm...which we do most of the nights. We maybe spend like 30 mintues talking in bed before we fall asleep. The added stress of the babies having reflux and constantly spitting up all the time is very stressful...my husband gets so aggravated with the spit up and I don't blame him...it's frustrating...stains everywhere, screaming babies...needy toddler who gets a fraction of the attention she use to get. He will get so frustrated with them because of their spit up...I guess I do too, but I know it's not their fault and so does he...but it's frustrating. Anyway...as I said again...we are so short with each other and barely have any time to talk....and when we do, it's short quick comments about the babies (who ate what, who pooped...when they need to nap next) or it's about our 3.5 year old who is bouncing off the walls trying to get our attention which doesn't help the chaos in the home. I must say he is very helpful around the house...does the laundry, makes his own lunch, feeds/changes babies and tries to spend time with our other daugther. He does his part.


It's a vent...sorry. I'm just so tired of the constant motion in the house and little quality time with anyone...We both feel so spread thin and our nerves are pretty thin too. Everyday is like that movie "Groundhog Day" at our house...it's sooooo frustrating.

I mentioned the idea of getting a sitter (yeah right...who?) or trying to carve out time for use us somehow and that is laughable at this point.

Am I the only one? How is everyone else managing?

 

Just wanted to say sorry - that sounds frustrating. I think this is probably an extremely hard time!

 

God I hope so. My relationship with my DH is at times frustrating. We both work full time, shift work. He works swing shift and I work graveyard. There were times he did not help me at all with the kids. That has gotten WAY better. He now needs a little talking to about doing stuff around the house while I am at work.

I really hope it gets better because all I feel is nagging at him and I hate it!!

I am sorry that I don't have any advice except keep talking!!

Jenn

 

I'm waiting for relationship to get better too. We were married for so long before we had the babies and we always go along (few arguments here and there) but nothing like how we argue now. I'm looking forward to the replies just like you.

 

I was in the same boat when my twins came home. Our two year old was so jealous that he spent most of his time bouncing off the walls too. It does get better as they get older. My three year old is still starving for attention but is better at it and my little boys are so independent now that they will just play all day and only get mad when thye are hungry or need to nap. The really terrible chaos lasted till the boys were 5 months and then everything has been uphill since. Hang in there :hug:

 

You are MY twin!!! Seriously, many many similarities. All I can say is it DOES get better. I recall at about this stage DH and I having another stupid squabble over something that I was no doubt being obsessive over. We were bickering, I'm sure I was crying, and dh grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye, and said, "Look. This is hard enough as it is without us fighting over every little thing. We need each other right now. We NEED to be on the same team." Put in my place by my DH. Go figure. But he was so right. I really took it to heart and, for the most part, we've done much better since.

I've found that if we can laugh together, we do better as a whole. If you can get a sitter, go to a comedy club or a funny movie. Or rent one if you can't. Or play a game together. Invite some friends that you have a good time with for a couple of drinks. ANYTHING to lighten the mood and distract you BOTH.

It sounds like you have a good relationship overall, as we do. I think if you have a solid relationship you'll be fine, but it really does...suck...right about now. But this, too, shall pass so hang tough!!! :hug: We are finally getting out of the Dark Period and it's so nice to have my husband back...hopefully he's thinking the same about me. lol.

Eve

 

Not sure if your are a fan of Kate Gosselin or not, but she made a statement one time that if "Your marriage can survive the first year with multiples then you've got it made". With that said, I think ALL marriages are tested when there are multiples in the house. DH and I have had more squabbles in the past 9 months than we've had the whole 9 years that we've been married. I am a SAHM, so in addition to caring for the babies, I also serve as a maid, cook, launderer (sp?), gardener, teacher, and whatever else. My stress level is like WAY HIGH. He works 6 days a week, 11 hrs a day, so needless to say he stays pretty stressed too. I think that once the babies become more mobile and more independent then it will get better. From the BTDT twin moms, they all say that it will get better. I sure do hope so!

 

I know that feeling all too well. I'm sorry to say, I'm in the same boat.

 

I hope so because I could have written your post word for word with the exception that I am a teacher and am at work M-F 7:45-3:30. That is what keeps me sane.

Today we don't have school and my son (4.5 years) is home from preschool too. I am actually jealous because my husband gets to go to work and I'll be manning the chaos alone.

My twins were born 8.31.09 so I TRULY know exactly what you mean.

I told my husband yesterday, "I feel guilty even saying this, but I'm finding that I dread the weekends."

I feel like our son isn't getting enough positive attention, we bicker all the time over stupid little things and I don't feel like I have the time to just enjoy the people that I love because I'm constantly in motion.

One thing that has helped is that we've been carving out blocks of time for one of us to go out with our son alone. It takes him away from the craziness of the house and gives him the 1:1 time he deserves and allows us to just enjoy him without worrying about taking care of the babies. It isn't helping us as a couple per say, but it does make us feel like better parents. I also find being home alone with the twins is almost easier than when we are both home because I feel like we are always "keeping score" on who fed who and who changed the last diaper, etc.

It's silly. It's stupid. But, it's just par for the course at the moment.

I do adore my husband. Like you, he is doing everything he possibly can to help out and overall we are a team. We're just so exhausted by the time the kids go to bed that we don't have the energy to be a couple (talk, enjoy each other, etc.) I like to think that because we are aware of this we'll be OK, but that's probably a moot point.

I'm hoping that once the weather gets a little nicer (winter in New England) we can get out more as a family. Being in the house is hard, but leaving the house with three kids in the winter is hard too.

Anyhow, little advice to offer, but wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

 

Ummm....but her marriage DID survive the 1st year with multiples, and look where they are now. LOL I really hope this gets easier and we don't end up like them.

 

Well her marriage survived the first year with multiples but not a reality TV show. Stay away from those and you'll hopefully be fine

Hang in there, is all I can say. It is what I am doing. Can you talk to DH about it? I feel like just acknowledging that it is not ideal but that it is also temporary is a good start. That way you don't become complacent. If you're both engaged and willing to do better, which it sounds like you are, I would imagine that when there is more time and more stability (which I hear happens as they get older) you'll get back to where you were or something kind of like it. Can you leave the babies with anyone for a day? My mother in law has been invaluable in that regard, since my mother is in another state. You could spend some time with your older child every now and then?

And good job getting your 4-monthers down at 8pm! It took us till almost 6 months. It surprised me actually that we weren't better off once they started STTN, I thought we'd have all this time together now. But like you said, we are both exhausted and frustrated and spread so thin. He is working super hard and I don't have time or energy to do the things for him that I used to do (like cook meals). And by the time I wash bottles and do laundry and clean up and eat and pump 2x, it is usually 11pm. Then it is fall in bed and start all over at 5:30am when DD wakes.
I have made DH promise me that once I stop pumping and he is in a better position with his job, he'll let me go to a hotel and sleep for 12 straight hours! Will probably never happen but I can dream.

I especially loved the "Groundhog Day" comparison! I hated that movie and now I know why...The one thing that really helped us was hiring a "mothers helper" type sitter. Easier for us because we don't have a preschooler, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. We found her on Craigslist (she did a criminal background check and ended up having references who we knew personally), a mom herself who was looking for part-time work and was willing to watch the babies when I was home too. We did a search for "part time nanny" and "part time babysitter." She has become so comfortable with the LOs that we are able to leave her for short amounts of time. It hasn't really given us tons of time together because DH's job precludes that, but it has enabled me to get out of the house a little which makes me less short with DH all the time.

Anyway, I hope it gets better for you. Keep us posted. Hugs!

 

My twins were born 9/11/09 and my DD 10/5/06 so I am in a very similar situation as you and experiencing everything you described. I have thougt at times it has to get better because our marriage won't last if it doesn't! I really hope it gets better for both of us

 

the twins are our first babies so everything is new to us both...it is frustrating at times and we get short with eachother too...but we always say to eachother that it will get easier...

 

Things have gotten much easier for us since the beginning. I would say the first 7-8 months were REALLY hard for us. I am a SAHM and at first I was so jealous of my hubby who got to go to work every day. When he got home, I was so floored from the day, and I was super short with him and got frustrated easily with him. (I also had a really hard time with breastfeeding, and this was difficult for both of us)

I think when things started getting better was when the babies started to go to bed early and started STTN. We now put them to bed by 7 every night, and then we get to spend some time together. Once a week we try and have a "date-nite-in". We cannot have any chores to do after the babies are in bed - only "us" time is allowed. It can be a movie, pizza, scrabble, or just couple-time. It has been really nice. I find myself working harder the day before, so I won't have as much to do on date night!

We also try and give each other alone time. On saturdays when the babies are napping, DH usually lets me go out for a couple of hours - for some coffee, or shopping. I try and give him time to get away too (although he usually just likes to stay home and take a nap!)

Hang in there! One thing that helped me in the beginning, was I had a young woman (freshman in college) come over one afternoon a week to help me - fold clothes, or go get ice cream with me, or other chores around the house. It helped with the same ol' same ol' schedule!

 

I'm so sorry for everybody who is having a rough go of things. I remember in the first few weeks (due to tiredness) not being the nicest of people to my husband. He has the patience of a saint and a heart of gold. I think when my hubby gets home tonight I am going to make sure to tell him how much he is appreciated. Even though our sex life is non-existant at the moment and he is in the middle of working and doing his MBA. Sometimes a quick squeeze and a kiss say it all. :air_kiss:

 

The beginning is so hard (I am still in survival mode). I believe it gets better. It did for us. I am a SAHM with a (just turned) 3 year old and 7 1/2 month old twins. It isn't easy stay home all day with them. I can count how many times we have gone out and about on one hand, winter doesn't help. We will get out more when it gets warmer.

Just keep going and try to keep an open mind and TALK about things. I think it helps when the babies start to get into some sort of routine and you then get some time to yourself at night. Then you get to spend time with one another without the babies. Try not to take things so seriously, like what someone wrote earlier in the post LAUGH about it!

Just be patient, things will get better.

 

Us too, i could have written your post almost word for word. Being home alone with 4.5 month old twins and a 19 month old is beyond hard, somedays I wish i could go to work to get a break (currently on mat leave). I am starting to dread the weekends as we seem to spat over the dumbest stuff now, all weekend long. We are both stressed to the limit and hangin on by the skin of our teeth. :grouphug:

 

It definitely does get better. I think the first four months were the hardest and since then we're slowly shifting out of survival mode. My house is still pure chaos, but somehow we're tolerating it better. I think having older kids makes it so much harder because they are always waiting in the wings for mommy or daddy time. I have a kindergartener and a pre-schooler and it's just plain hard to keep everyone happy.

In the last two months, it seems like we've had a bit more time for each other. The boys have fallen into a schedule and on nights when my DH isn't working we can actually cuddle on the couch for a moment or two.

Oh and the groundhog day thing, it just makes me want to cry. I really really really miss weekends. Before the boys came along, my older two were old enough that we had weekends again and as much as I want to cherish the boys as babies, I am looking foward to them being older so we can get back to the way life was.