Really in need of help

Hi everyone

I haven't posted here in years but am having some major issues and need some help.

My twins are now 5.5 and I have a 4 year old as well.

A little background: None of the kids were ever in daycare. Twins were in SK last year and had problems getting used to the classroom setting. Their dad and I divorced 2 years ago and we have split custody, his mom watches then during the day and caters to them.

So, I don't feel like I have normal 5 year olds, at least from other 5 year olds that I see. They act WAY younger than that. In fact, they act younger then their little brother who turns 4 in 2 days. Everything is a huge deal to them. They cry about so much - from not liking the color cup they have, to not wanting to get dressed, not wanting to clean up, being first here or there, or small things like their brother looked at them wrong. And when I say whine - they whine in a crying voice so bad I can't understand what they are saying - they will use this voice to ask for a glass of juice even or to ask me to go somewhere. They communicate more by whining then they do in a normal voice.

I hate to say it, but when we are around other people I get embarrassed because other people see my kids doing it and ask them why they are upset over something so small (why are you crying because mommy buckled your seatbelt before your brother, or that your french fry or chicken nugget broke in half).

I have started refusing to answer them unless they speak clearly. I tell them I can't understand and make them repeat what they say a couple times until it's audible but I can't think of what else to do. I have been patient up until now but I can't take it anymore and am losing my patience and find that I get really short with them and never take things seriously anymore because they are over reacting constantly. I don't want to start completely ignoring them because I want them to feel like they can come to me but this is ridiculous.

Has anyone been through this? Or have advice? Is this because they are acting out being in a split home and their dad just gives in? Or is it because there are 3 of them and they don't get one on one attention.

I am so lost

 

Part of it I'm sure is different rules at different houses. We have had trouble witht that. That said they are old enough to understand that these are mom's rules, and they are the ones that apply when you are with mom. I've been called a mean mom, strict mom, etc, but I'm not ashamed of it. My girls still use the whine to get something, and they are consistantly told by me and those around me...'How old are you?' 'Talk like a big girl or I'm not listening' We've been doing this since they were littler. Their dad and I have been separated since they were around 4. He used to (okay still does) give in, and is now learning that it doesn't work with preteens!

Stay consistant, if they whine or don't talk in a voice appropriate for a 5 year old, remind them you won't listen until they do. It will take some time, but they will come around. It will be worse when they are coming back from dad's house since his rules apply when they are there. But just a simple reminder that we are at mommy's house, mommy's rules apply and we don't whine to get what we want.

 

I agree with Molly. Be consistant. Be strong. The will initially whine more until they realize that you really aren't going to give in. I would also talk to them about expectations before you go somewhere. Like Mommy will buckle in M first then J, and on the way home we will do the opposite, unless you would like to try yourself. Try to give them 2 choices, both of which are acceptable to you, that way the have some control, but also you get what you need.

 

I agree that it is the different household issue. And it maybe more of a grandma issue than dad. I would personally try put them in daycare a couple days a week so they see that they aren't going to be catered to all the time. I think it really helps them be more Self sufficient. My girls dress themselves, pick out the own clothes, pick own their breakfast, get in the car, undress themselves, wash their own hair, help me dry themselves. We are worki on tying their shoes.
My xh treats them like they are infants(he has supervised biweekly visits and they dont leave my house). He doesn't seem to know how to relate to them at all but then he hasn't been around.

I would try a reward sheet to try to foster more independent behavior. Have they started school yet? Are they in the same class? They may also be feeding off each other which can make the behavior worse. It might be beneficial for them to be in separate classes