quit breastfeeding...guilt!

HI. This is the first time that I've posted on this board...I have posted on both the "expecting" and "NICU" boards in the past. I had twin girls at 30w4d and they had a 4 week stay in the NICU. Now, thankfully, they have been home for over 2 weeks and they're doing great! I have been pumping and feeding the girls with both breastmilk and formula up this point (about 6 weeks). Unfortunately, one of my girls hasn't really caught on to the breastfeeding thing so I have been pumping and feeding both girls by bottle for the past 6+ weeks.

However, I have noticed that having to pump, in addition to bottle feeding 2 babies, is taking a huge toll on my body, especially at night. I have been so conflicted on whether or not to give up on the breast pumping. I don't produce enough milk for both girls for every meal, but I do about half of their bottles as breast milk and half as formula per day. I just can't seem to quit because I feel so guilty knowing that breastmilk is best for them. I'm very happy that I've been able to give them breastmilk for 6+ weeks and I would like to be able to continue, but at what expense? Ideally, I would be able to feed both girls at the breast, but I don't see that working out for us. My mom just came out to help and she told me I'm looking very exhausted and that maybe I should consider giving up the pumping in exchange for staying healthy and giving the girls a more healthy mommy. But, it's SO hard to give up!!! I think I feel even more guilty since my girls were preemies in the NICU...I feel like I owe them the very best I can give. But, I'm torn between what actually is best...breastmilk or my health??? Has anybody been through this and had to make this decision??? If so, I would be so appreciative of any advice or experiences you can share! Thank you.

 

HI. This is the first time that I've posted on this board...I have posted on both the "expecting" and "NICU" boards in the past. I had twin girls at 30w4d and they had a 4 week stay in the NICU. Now, thankfully, they have been home for over 2 weeks and they're doing great! I have been pumping and feeding the girls with both breastmilk and formula up this point (about 6 weeks). Unfortunately, one of my girls hasn't really caught on to the breastfeeding thing so I have been pumping and feeding both girls by bottle for the past 6+ weeks.

However, I have noticed that having to pump, in addition to bottle feeding 2 babies, is taking a huge toll on my body, especially at night. I have been so conflicted on whether or not to give up on the breast pumping. I don't produce enough milk for both girls for every meal, but I do about half of their bottles as breast milk and half as formula per day. I just can't seem to quit because I feel so guilty knowing that breastmilk is best for them. I'm very happy that I've been able to give them breastmilk for 6+ weeks and I would like to be able to continue, but at what expense? Ideally, I would be able to feed both girls at the breast, but I don't see that working out for us. My mom just came out to help and she told me I'm looking very exhausted and that maybe I should consider giving up the pumping in exchange for staying healthy and giving the girls a more healthy mommy. But, it's SO hard to give up!!! I think I feel even more guilty since my girls were preemies in the NICU...I feel like I owe them the very best I can give. But, I'm torn between what actually is best...breastmilk or my health??? Has anybody been through this and had to make this decision??? If so, I would be so appreciative of any advice or experiences you can share! Thank you.

 

I had to cut down a lot too,.. i went through the same thing after we got home from the NICU. Now I pump twice a day and give them whatever I can from that. That way they are still getting at least some of the antibodies that formula just can't duplicate, and it is manageable for me so that I'm not a basketcase. Although a lot have,.. not every mommy on this site went through what you went through for a month with your babies in the hospital, so you can't judge yourself using the same yardstick. You're obviously not a selfish person or it wouldn't torment you so much. i would try to strike a balance - cut down at first on the pumping and see how it frees you up, until you reach a point where you feel you have time to unwind and rest. no matter what you do it isn't easy- for me this is working bc i feel like they are still getting breastmilk and i have time to spend with my 22 month old as well. you probably didn't really get a chance to fully "heal" and restore yourself from the birth either- all the back and forth to the hospital,. the anxiety, and no sleep- and you deserve that too.

 

ok- here is my personal opinion...
DONT FEEL GUILTY!
Below is the personal notes I had made for myself during the first month about this issue...

"I started to nurse in the hospital but ended up being not successful. Nicholas never latched on well and I had a bad experience with the nurses all telling me something different each day on how to nurse. Since I was supplementing with formula, I should have been pumping to keep my supply up but no one told me to pump until the 4th day. The lactation nurse came on Thursday and by then I was so frustrated. I had requested for her to come earlier in the week but they never sent her. She was so mean that I cried. She was very rough with me and the babies (physically).

When I came home, I continued to try but physically was so worn down. Everyday for about a week, i would battle the question in my head if I should quit or not, knowing that breastmilk was best for the babies. Once I made my decision, I think I felt guilty for one more day. After that it was the best feeling ever for me.

I feel that I had much more time to relax and enjoy the babies. It is so nice to have others feed them."

Now, you may get other advice to keep with it. I really look up to those who have been successful with breastfeeding both babies. Maybe you will get wonderful tips from this post to help you stay with it but if not, do whats best for you and your babies will benefit from it!!! Looking back, i do not feel that I lost any type of bonding with my boys as I held them all the time!

 

First off, congrats on your girlies!

Yes, you are exhausted, and who wouldn't be with all you are doing. I do have some input for you, and one thing would be that yes, bf and bm really are best for your babies, but there are some things you can do to make this work if you want it to, and if you decide not to keep going beating yourself up over it isn't going to help anyone either.

First off, you are at the very hardest part of breastfeeding, and I can promise you that almost every mom of multiples feels worn out, frazzled, and discouraged at around 6 weeks, whether she bf or not, and bf is hard when they are so young. It does get better as they grow, get your supply established, space out feedings, and sleep more, and you are at a difficult age for bf twins, which will most likely ease within a couple-a few weeks, and actually can be easier than formula feeding once things get settled. It doesn't have to be a choice for bm or your health, and I have some suggestions for you.

*You are doing three jobs here instead of one. Many preemies have trouble and don't "get it" until their due date, but I think the best thing for you to get a little rest would be to get to nursing instead of formula, bottle, pumping, washing, etc.. I suggest you see or have a lactation consultant who is familiar with twins watch them nurse and help you get them latched correctly. A session or two with someone who really knows her stuff will do wonders for your whole life right now. I would bet that both your girls will either be able to nurse now with some help, or would soon if you got some assistance with the whole process. Your hospital or your ped should have a list of professionals to help you, and it would be well worth your time to see one. If you could get to nurse both girls instead of all the work you are doing it would make a huge difference to you.

*If you want to get your supply to where you don't have to worry about it or give formula, I suggest you at least nurse the one who can bf as often as possible. That will really help your supply and reduce your dependence on making up formula, washing bottles, etc., and again help with your exhaustion. I know your mom loves you and worries about you, but if you do want to bf all is not lost here. If she could bring you the baby who can nurse and let you stay in bed and sleep and rest while you nurse on your side, that would help your supply and get your rest. I would use this opportunity for help to have her bring your babies to nurse and just sleep as often as possible.

*I am totally not trying to make you feel guilty for giving formula, but be aware that the more formula they get the less milk you will make, and the best recommendation I can give to make your life simpler is to try a nursing marathon. That means your mom helps you get all settled in a comfy chair, get snacks and drinks for you every time they eat, and nurse the one who is getting it, and try to nurse the one is hasn't yet as often as you can. The best way to get her to "get" it is to have her practice a lot, and since you have your mom there you have an opportunity to do that. If you think she has trouble I would see that LC, but really jsut nursing all she can will help her get better at it. I am not saying you can't give formula or should feel guilty if you do, but more nursing=less bottle=less pumping=more nursing=more sleep and a healthier mom.

I suggest setting goals that are reachable if you do want to bf, such as "I will do this through this afternoon", letting your mom bring you babies and drinking a lot, eating well, and napping every second you can. I suggest seeing the LC as soon as possible as well, and I suggest that if you do really want to stop and give formula that you can do that too. There is no only way to feed your babies, and the choice is up to you. You love them and are obviously a good mom, so either way you feeld them will be done with love. We are here if you need help, and you will figure out what works for you and them. Update us if you can, and we will be here if you need us.

 

I know how you feel - I'm struggling to get my supply up (the hospital failed me as well as seamus nicholas). Fortunately both my kids are good latchers, but Jake is still in the hospital (tech. step down nursery) so I only get to actually bf him once a day. Becca is a good nurser, but I'm also trying to pump for Jake (and to build up some reserve in the fridge) so we are supplementing with formula.

My personal short term goal is to get both them on 80% bm and 20% formula...

All that being said, you have to do what is best for you and your babies. From what I understand, this is just one of many things parents will find to feel guilty about

Either way, cut yourself some slack -
Miriam

 

The only thing I would say is to really think about stopping, because once you completely stop you can never go back! I managed to breastfeed and pump for about 2 1/2 months before I was just too exhausted and sore to continue. But about a month after I stopped my girls started spacing out their feedings, and by 4 months they were sleeping through the night. Being a FTM I had no idea how much easier things would eventually get. Now I wish I would have continued, because by 4 months I think it would have gotten a whole lot easier.

That being said, my girls are both thriving on formula. Josie is 60th percentile and Bella is 30th percentile for weight.

It's a personal decision and I wish you luck with it!

 

Do not feel guilty. Here is my situation that may make you feel better. Just a side note, I am probreastfeeding when it works for you and your baby/babies. I breast fed my singleton son for 3 months until I went back to work, I was exhuausted and felt horrible everyday. With my twins who are a month old I decided from the moment I found out I was having twins and complications that I would not BF, I have lupus and my lupus Dr told me that I had to go back on my meds right after they were born otherwise my health would continue to go down hill. I had a c/s a month ago and the girls were born right at 37 weeks, two days later I went on my meds and I feel a million times better than I did with my singleton, vag delivery son and I am still recoperating from the c/s and waking up all on my own at night to take care of the girls. When my pedi asked how I am doing and I said great he said it is because I am not wearing myself down BF. He is totally pro BF and his wife is still BF thier 2 year old, but he understands that especially with twins it totally can wear a monther down. Please do what you think is right for your sanity, health and your girls' health, weigh the pros and cons but whatever desciion you make please do not feel guilty about it.

Kristi

 

Ruth Anne knows what she is talking about. You didnt mention what all you are trying to do each day now that you are home. I was trying to do too much. The only thing that I could allow myself to concentrate on was nursing the babies. Then I could slowly add things back in like laundry, meals, etc.

Don't feel guilty about BF or not BF. I made a determination to do it for 6 months and re-evaluate. For me, looking at nursing for a longer period of time was too daunting. I ended up nursing for 16.5 months. I actually sometimes regret weaning them so soon. Try to contact the local La Leche League or the WIC office and have someone help you with the BF latching.

It's OK to nurse one and formula feed the other. It's OK to give EBM in a bottle whenever you can.

Your milk production will go up if you can get some rest and be sure to eat whenever you are done nursing to keep your energy level up.

 

Don't feel guilty. You have to do what's best for you. If you feel you can continue, then do so. If not, know that you did your best and they will be fine either way.

FYI, I breastfed for the first 2 months (well, pumped that is). I stopped, felt incredible guilt and cried for days. My kids have NEVER been sick (other than reflux) and are both in the 90th percentile. They are doing just fine on formula and then solids.

ENJOY this time with your babies, don't look back and remember needless guilt! It goes very quickly!

 

I understand how hard it is and that feeling you have!!! I had the same problem!! Not enough for both!!

Please don't be hard on yourself!! You are doing the very best you can!!

You gave them the BEST START IN THE WORLD!!!

 

I had my twins at 34 weeks and my daughter had to stay in the NICU almost a month (she only weighed 2lbs 15 ozs.). My son came home after 10 days. I pumped and gave almost all the BM to her since she had a hard time trying to digest formula. Once they were both home I pumped around the clock and still had to supplement w/ formula. My son latched on but I was always scared he would take too much and then I wouldn’t have enough to pump for her. I talked with lactation consultants all the time and they kept saying just try to BF more often and your supply will go up. I was exhausted around 6 weeks. I was white as a ghost and losing weight fast because I couldn’t even eat. I called on the help of my family and tried to just stay in bed and nurse and pump. I felt o.k. about supplementing some formula because my son still got some BM in every bottle. I set goals for myself like 4 months, then 6 months. Now I am almost at 8 months and still pumping and BFing. My girl has started nursing again (she quit for 3 months) and I feel great that I stuck with it.
It is totally your decision. But, I will say it gets easier. Now I only pump 4 times a day and nurse 2 times. I dropped the middle of the night pumps around 4 months. Man did I feel great getting that whole night’s sleep. Good luck, and don’t feel guilty you have already done a remarkable job!

 

Don't feel guilty. Right now the girls need their mom to be healthy and stress free. After all...do they know that breast feeding is the best for them??? Nope...they only know you are their mom and the best person in the world right now. You could have a mohawk and they would be in love with you because you are their mom.

I understand how you feel. I had my twins at 30 weeks 6 days and had a 39 day NICU stay. One of my twins has reflux and can only take a bottle with cereal in it and had therapy for sucking issues. My other twin JUST got the whole breast feeding thing about two weeks ago at about 13 weeks. I pump...but also give formula. Don't sweat the small stuff. I figure if I want to give in to formula...big deal as I am just grateful that my twins are alive and fairly healthy. You could be doing tube feedings...so...think of it as a great thing that you can bottle feed.

My advice...as I have five kids...seven with stepkids is to relax and do whatever you need to to relieve the stress and then don't ever look back and worry about as they won't know or even care when they are bigger if they were breastfed or not. If you make the decision to just formula feed, trust me...you will probably feel a HUGE monkey come off your back. I did with my first baby after I went throught the decision making process of stopping breastfeeding.

Hang in there!

 

Ruth Ann is right! This is the hardest time for bfing twins. You have it especially hard since your little ones were in NICU and so premature. Don't feel guilty! I know it is hard not to tho!

What I would do if I were you is continue to feed your little one who has caught onto bfing. Remember every little bit helps. It is ok to formula feed the other one.

We all know how exhausting it can be. It does get a LOT better at 3 months. That is the magical number.

Big hugs! We are here for you!

Bridget

 

Breastfeeding is sure hard... I've been exclusively breastfeeding my twins for 5 months. (never used formula at all) One of my guys eats at the breast (but didn't figure it out until 2 months) and the other eats exclusively from bottles, so i pump 4-5 times a day to feed him.

Two things:

You are 2-3 weeks away from having it get much easier!!! As your supply tends to get established up until 8 weeks (or longer since you have preemies) I found that at 2 months it just seemed to get easier and Cole figured out how to be much more efficient at the breast. So I wouldn't give up until you've gotten past that milestone of 2 months or 2 months adjusted if you really want to keep breastfeeding.

Pumping long term is not that big of an issue (except the one session I do in the middle of the night to maximize my supply) since I am now down to 4 times a day (one at 3a, 10a, 3p, 9p) and that gives me 32-45 ounces for Wyatt and extra if need be.

I so remember the stress and emotional hardship of the time that you're in right now... I just didn't know how to do it... but my hubby was very supportive as were my family and I'm still doing it today. since my boys have some food sensitivities (family history of allergies) I really just don't see formula as a good alternative yet.

Bottom line, you gotta do what's good for you. I can't say that I don't question my choice to breatfeed even to this day, as it ties me to the kiddos in a way that is pretty binding... but it's cheap, it's relatively easy and I really see a difference between the weight gain of my friends' formula fed babies and my bf ones -- that and the weight mangagement that breastfeeding provides and I'm sticking to it fo rnow.

Good luck, life does get better soon!

Teri D

 

i know its hard right now, but things will get easier, especially if you can get them to the breast. i agree with everything ruth anne had to say, but i would like to suggest that you contact an LLL leader. if you need help finding one in your area, i can help you with that. send me a pm. a leader will be able to help you get those babies to the breast. also, have you tried a nipple shield? many babies who have trouble latching on have great success with a shield. they feel like a bottle nipple in the mounth, so it may be easy to transition.

at the end of the day though, you really have to do what is best for your family, so if that means giving more formula, that's ok.

 

You came to the right place for support. Ruth Anne is right, be absolutely positive you want to stop before you stop. It is something that you cannot go back to. Others have stated that you are just around the corner from it getting easier. Everyone has their own corner to turn. It does get easier. You have given them a lot by giving them your milk so far! Here is a webpage that is really encouraging. Please visit the breastfeeding forum. There is a sticky there about NICU babies & breastfeeding! It may come in handy! If you do stop, know that you have given your babies a great start in life.

 

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this decision. I also pumped and got enough for the girls to get 1/2 of their bottles with breastmilk and 1/2 with formula. That was after a lot of work of taking brewer's yeast, MilkMaid Tea, and eating oatmeal. I definitely recommend the MilkMaid tea as it did increase my supply and has helped a few of my aunt's nieces that I gave it to as well.

Have you tried pumping at night while you feed the babies? It took me a litte while to get into the groove of feeding both babies together and then longer to figure out how to situate us all so that I could pump too but it was really worth it because it saved a lot of time. If you really want to pump, make sure you get a hands-free bra. Medela sells them and so do some places on the internet. This allows you to pump while taking care of the babies or doing something else. I usually logged onto TS while I pumped so I had a bit of a reward.

Do what is best for you and the babies. If that is formula, then that is what you need to do.

 

I really struggled with this decision too. I was in the exact same position as you. My boys were in the NICU for 3 weeks and were born 7 weeks early and wouldn't latch on well either, so, I too was pumping for them and supplementing with formula because I couldn't produce enough milk. I too was completely exhausted from the pumping. I made the decision to stop pumping when the boys were 8 weeks. It just got too hard and I couldn't do it anymore. I say, don't feel guilty (easier said than done, I felt really guilty and still do). You have to take care of yourself too and an exhausted mommy isn't going to help anyone. I hope this helps you!

p.s. Be proud that you did it for as long as you did! Some moms don't do it at all!

 

I wanted to second, or third, Ruth Anne, in saying that you are at the hardest point in your breastfeeding adventure. I hope that you can weather the storm and see it through. My babies were supplemented with formula since birth. For the first 2 months we alternated, 1 feeding bottle, one feeding breast and it allowed me to deal with the nipple soreness and fatigue that you feel at that time. As the babies' feedings began to space out, I gave fewer bottle. At 4 months, I am now back at work and they get 2 bottles of formula and one bottle of breastmilk each while I am at work. When I am at home (and on the weekends) I exclusively breastfeed.

It does get easier. I know this is personal decision, but I wanted to share my experience and let you know that supplementing doesn't mean giving up breastfeeding. Please don't feel guilty and do what is best for you and your children.


Cat

 

My twins were born at 38 weeks. Jenna was not gainign weight and I have to pump to feed her. My other one is a great breast feeder. However, I would argee that at 3 months it seemed to get easier. My rountine usually goes like this I am feeding Jenna with a bottle, breastfeeding Kaylee and pumping on the other breast it ttakes a while to get the hang of it but this way it doesn't take as much time. Plus in the morning when I pump I get the most and sometimes it is enough for three bottles so then I feel I have back up in the fridge. I do supplement with Jenna with formula. Also, Kaylee is sleeping through the night, which seems to be good, but I still wake up because my breasts are so full, that I have to pump. Hope this helps and hang in there you have to do what is best for you. I am thinking of quitting at 6 months, however, I do not know how to wean and Kaylee REALLY loves breastfeeding. Any suggestions???

Susie

 

Do NOT feel guilty!

There is a great book called When Breastfeeding is not an option. It really helped all my guilt issues.

My girls had zero breast milk (for several reasons - some simple, some not so simple). Anyway, my girls have only had 2 mild colds ever! They were 35 weekers and in the NICU for 2 wks. I'm SO glad that we made the decision with our Drs NOT to breastfeed during the pregnancy. It was the BEST decision for our entire family. I KNOW I did what was the best for all 4 of us.

Stop the guilt, do what is best for YOUR family and yourself. Sometimes Breastfeeding is NOT best.

 

I agree with everything Ruth Anne and some other PP's have said. I just wanted to add one thing. Have you tried nipple shields? Mine were born early too and both mine had trouble latching in the beginning. I used nipple shields for about 6 weeks and it helped tremendously! Worth a shot.

Again, you decide what is going to work for you and your family and remember that however you decide to do things, this is only way it has ever been done as far as YOUR babies are concerned!