Question for those of you with aggresive toddlers?

My ds who is 2 years old is very aggressive towards toddlers his own age and not his twin bro & sis (thank god!) He gets aggressive only when a toddler is envading his personal space (b/c he thinks they are going to take his toy away) or if he and the toddler are trying to share he gets aggressive (like pushing and hitting.) My ped seems to think it could be related to t.v., and when he was 3 mo. old he was babysat by my mil who ALWAYS has court t.v. on. Which you see a lot of arguing and fighting. It's not like he's sitting there watching it but it's in the background. Oh, and he is only over there 2 days a week for about 8 hrs. Do you ladies think this has anything to do with it??

My dr seems to think that tempurament is determined at birth and some kids are more strong willed than others....I kinda think so myself. We discipline him with time-outs for 2 minutes and take away toys, but we do not hit....we don't believe in that. What other measures should we be taking?

And do you think that 2 is harder than 3 or the other way around?? A lot of moms have been telling me 2 is harder than 3...I sure hope so!

Thanks!

 

Thank you for moving this!

 

anyone?? it seems like i'm the only one with the aggressive one at times :-(

 

I'm not sure about the TV question. As we don't have one, it's hard for me to judge its impact. However, thinking about it, they say that if there's a tense atmosphere in the home (like mom and dad are always arguing) then children can pick up on this and may respond by being more insecure or aggressive. So maybe your son is picking up on the tone of the court tv programmes - people being verbally aggressive with one another. But I'm sure other mothers who have a TV may be more clued up than me on that issue.

I'm sure that children have a specific temperament at birth. But how their personality grows and develops is a combination of their natural temperament and how they are brought up (parented/school/other external influences).

I'm surprised you haven't got loads of responses, lots of children are aggressive at this age. It sounds as if you're doing a lot of the right things in trying to help your son. Some other suggestions:

• As well as saying "we don't hit/push etc" you could also try to teach him to express himself in words, such as "no, MY toy". A lot of the frustration at his age is wanting to express themselves but not having a way to do so. Some parents also provide a more complex narrative, so that the child feels understood, like: "david, paul wants to play alone with his toy at the moment, maybe you can find something else to play with, how about this ... etc"
  
• Sharing is pretty hard at this age (and I'm guessing he's quite recently having to share mom and dad with little twins), very few small children are good at it - and, I doubt that includes temperamentally strong willed children like yours (and mine). One friend of mine has great success with counting: "paul, david wants to play with that toy too, I'm going to count (slowly) to 10 and when I get there please can you pass the ball to david...". It works suprisingly well, even with my little ones.
  
• When he does share, say hand his toy to his twin brother and sister etc, make sure you praise him loads and loads for good sharing. You can even play games where he has to give things to his mother, father, siblings etc - like playing with a ball. Each time praise him. That way he gets positive attention for doing the right thing, not just negative attention for being aggressive.
  
• There's a series of books that some people here once recommended (I haven't got them, but they're on my wish list) with titles such as "teeth are not for biting" "hands are not for hitting". Reading those with him may help.

Finally, do try not to worry, aggression is very very common at his age. Almost every child grows out of it.
HTH and hope you get some other responses.
lisa

PS sorry it's a bit of a formal response, as my two are too young, I had my psychologist hat on rather than my mom hat.

 

Mine is only aggressive to his brother Personally, I don't think TV has a lot to do with it, but who knows. My brother and I both grew up watching cowboys and indians, and I'm not out there shooting people, but again, things are different now.

Can you take away favorite toys? like the toy he was fighting for? Putting the toy in time out?

Seriously, I found the age of 3 MUCH easier to deal with their little minds and how they respond to things. In fact, I'm looking forward to them turning 4 LOL

Can you tell him what it's like to the person he's hitting/scaring? Can he be reasoned with yet? Basically, at this stage, you have to remain constant. Every time, is a time-out, every time is an explanation. Eventually it'll sink in.

Good luck!

 

My DS is often aggressive with both his sister (sometimes provoked, and sometimes not) and with other children. I've been noticing recently at playgroups and music class that he'll just walk up to another child and give a big push for no obvious reason. My DD rarely does anything like this. I'm starting to believe that the nature end of the nature/nurture argument really has something going for it, as his behavior seems all boy to me, and I know that we treat them very much the same.

We don't watch any TV in our house, only DVDs, and only those meant for toddlers (mostly Dora, still some baby einstein, Elmo's World, etc., so nothing with violence or even raised voices). DH and I almost never argue and do not use physical punishment, so DS is not picking up anything there. It seems to be just in his nature (or he's picking it up from other kids at daycare).

So, while I have no advice on how to deal with effectively (we do timeouts, but I can't say I see them helping), just wanted to let you know that it appears to be a normal stage for a lot of kids. I'm hoping 3 is better, because we're almost there . . .

Rachel

 

Thanks for posting this! One of my boys is very aggressive and one is not. My aggressive one will make a point to find something to hit if he is fustrated. He will walk to another room if needed. Thankfully he has keep his hitting to the couch or wall and not other toddlers or his brother.

I truly belive that it is a developmental stage and the best thing is to try to give him other ways of expressing himself, either with time out for the child or time out for the object.

HTH and Happy New Year!