Problems with DH's family...

I have had a problem with DH's family with wanting to overfeed my kids. This has been an ongoing thing, and has gotten worse the older they get instead of better.

We have dinner every Sunday with dh's grandmother, and his aunt, uncle, me, dh, girls, and the inlaws. The food is great, but I rarely enjoy a meal b/c it is constant nagging...feed her this, feed her that, give her more this...blah, blah, blah. My kids have extremely healthy appetites, but they don't know when to stop. They will eat until you don't give them anymore (occasionally they start playing with their food and I know they are full, but most of the time it is up to me when to call it quits) So my MIL always fixes their plates on Sunday's and she already gives them way too much, on top of everything they throw on their plates later. Then dh's grandmaw thinks it is a sin for them not to have a cookie after dinner. So we were over there eating on Tues (special occasion) and I told everyone before dinner started to please not give the girls spaghetti b/c one, they had their good white shirts on, and two, it is too messy when we aren't at home. If they aren't offered it, then they won't fuss for it, ya know! So dh's uncle starts complaining about how I don't let them have what they want to eat, and how would I like it if someone made my plate and made me only eat what was in front of me. Well, the girls go to bed early, and we don't eat dinner with them any night of the week, so they have their own time every night that is solely devoted to them...so one day a week of me dictating the specifics of their dinner isn't a big deal, plus thats what parents do!!!! Then after they ate TOO much, my MIL wanted to give them another hotdog, and I said no, they have had enough. But dh's grandmaw asks them if they want a cookie and I said, they really don't need one...so again, dh's uncle says, well you are going to eat desert, why can't they..no, i never eat dessert, but even if i did its up to me what they get...i looked right at him and said b/c my stomach is bigger than my fist!!!!! This is an every week thing. I can't be nice and say, I think they have had enough...I have to look at them and say, NO, they aren't getting anymore, and it makes me feel like a mean, mean, witch. My dh will not say anything most of the time...he complains about it and then doesn't say too much.

So, I dropped the girls off and the inlaws this morning and my FIL asks the girls if they want a pancake, and I said, no they have already had breakfast, and he said ok. So i pick them up a couple of hours later and there clothes are changed...they only ever get a new set if they have eaten and gotten something on them. They fed them again, I know they did. I didn't ask b/c it had been a really bad morning due to a family ER, and my MIL had left...I just let it go, but why don't they listen to me!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry this is so long, but I need advice from anyone who has been or is in a similar situation. I don't want to sound like I'm being mean, but I need advice on how to handle it...not on how to let it go. I know I'm right and shouldn't let it go, b/c it is a constant thing, and I want to encourage healthy eating habits. They are chunky little things now as it is, but I'm not going to let my IL's keep them anymore if they are going to feed them a second breakfast when they know they already ate. This is not the first time this has happened...you guys just don't know how much we have to get on to them about overfeeding them. One time I told my MIL the girls could have a snack and she fed them each a banana, crackers and cheese...they spit up and spit up...a snack to me is pretzels or maybe 2 graham crackers....that is equivalent to a lunch.

 

I don't really know what to tell you, but that would bug the ever lovin' poop out of me! You definitely need to have DH on your side with this. Have a talk with him and let him know how important this is. I would be tempted to not go back until this is resolved.

 

This is how i feel about my Grandma.. My Grandma always just wants to give her candy.. Believe me my DD doesnt need candy..
I dont really have advice but i know how frustrating it is when people dont listen to you about your children..

 

my IL's are like this too - the one Friday night they fed DD so much she woke up at 11:30 pm and threw up all over me!!!! my IL's have been like this since the twins were born - they insist that they don't eat enough (my kids are petite - 20.5 and 18 lbs at 15 mos but they were small when born and the pedi is NOT concerned) - they eat I swear - so everytime we go over, its graham crackers, goldfish crackers and a HUGE jar of fruit!!! My MIL even blamed their colic on my not feeding them enough - so I feel your pain...

most times I just nonchalantly say "ok guys I think thats enough now" and she gets the hint....as for your uncle next time they overeat - hand them to him to hold and pray for a good puke!

 

I have the same problem, but it is MY mom! It is so frustrating, so here are my tips...

#1- DH has to be on your side and willing to back you up.
#2- Have a talk with your IL, just you and DH and tell them how you feel. Explain that they are YOUR kids and that is how you are going to be handling their food "issues".
#3- At the dinners ask them to respect your wishes.
#4- Finally, if they dont listen, let them know that you wont be dining with them or leaving your girls with them because they cant respect your wishes.

Once they see how big of a deal it is to you, hopefully that will be enough for them to change.

I also agree with you... I am a product of a mom who always just let you eat and eat and eat. I was overweight (still am ) and it is because of the early eating habits I had instilled in me. Not that I dont have the power to change that now, but it would have been nice if I would have been raised with them. KWIM?

I wish you the best of luck and just keep putting your foot down, desperate times call for desperate measures... hth

 

thanks guys...dh agrees with me...he just doesn't like to be confrontational or rock the boat. he is just going to have to, but even still, we have had talks like these before...they get better for a couple of weeks and then it is back to the way it was. kris's uncle isn't going to care what we say. he is one of those that speaks his mind and the ____ with whoever doesn't like it...but i do love his uncle to death...i really do and I don't want to make things bad b/t all of us, but something has to give.

 

I would send Dh alone on Sunday for a time or two and tell him that the kids don't sleep well when they've been overfed and you are tired of the battle. Have him explain that you needed a break for one Sunday and you'll try again in a week. Maybe he can talk to them and have "the fight" about it alone and leave you out of it.

I would just deny them access to them if they can't abide by your wishes. Harsh, but might work!

 

Wow, that's a really bad habit for your IL's to create. I agree with previous posters DH needs to be on your side and let his parents know that it is a problem.

 

QUOTE(~* dfaut *~ @ Aug 26 2007, 01:51 AM) [snapback]380248[/snapback]
I would send Dh alone on Sunday for a time or two and tell him that the kids don't sleep well when they've been overfed and you are tired of the battle. Have him explain that you needed a break for one Sunday and you'll try again in a week. Maybe he can talk to them and have "the fight" about it alone and leave you out of it.

I would just deny them access to them if they can't abide by your wishes. Harsh, but might work!



I agree. Sometimes it takes myself not being present for my DH to hash things out with his fam an issue we have.

 

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but i do love his uncle to death...i really do and I don't want to make things bad b/t all of us, but something has to give.

I would tell them that. Not word-for-word but explain that you love them and appreciate how much time and care they give the girls, but it's frustrating for you when they don't respect your wishes and parenting choices. Explain that you are trying to instil healthy eating habits and a balanced diet.

Were you still at their house(s) the times when eating too much has caused your daughters to throw up? I'd have thought that would be a pretty good deterrent to overfeeding them!

The only other thing I can think of is getting some information on recommended portion sizes/daily nutrition allowances for children and taking it to show them.

 

No i wasn't at their house when they overfed them to point of throwing up/spitting up. I just told her they may get ready for a snack, and then when I went to pick them up she told me, "i gave them a snack of...." The worst part is that we were going out to eat afterwards, so they were spitting up everywhere in a very public place

my mom was over here last night and i was talking to her about it...she said when they are at her house they don't even get snacks...she said they never fuss for them. And actually, I don't feed them an afternoon snack everyday, but sometimes if they take an earlier nap, they get lunch early and get cranky in the late afternoon, and a little snack helps reenergize them. They love grapes, so that is a good snack for them...I will give them a bowl with about 4 or 5 grapes, and when they are gone, thats it, no more! We underestimate toddlers...they know who, what, and where they can get away with stuff and who, what, and where they cannot.

 

I feel bad for you....just this morning dh & were talking about eating habits since one of my nephews was allowed to have 4 ice cream cones for breakfast. :huh:

I hate to be down about it, but it doesn't sound like they're going to change. Definitely not if your DH isn't more verbal about backing you up. My mom can be a bit like this.....and I remember her wanting to feed the babies hamburgers when they were 4 mos old. :angry: We argued & argued about it! And you know what? Finally I just resorted to what she used to use on me - BECAUSE I'M THE MOM, THAT'S WHY! And really, that's all they should need. But, of course you still end up arguing.....grrrr.

We don't have it to bad here; I'm actually blessed to have amazing in laws. But there are a few things I just do out of habit when we go over for meals....I don't dress them in good clothes, b/c I know they'll be a mess. I make sure I'm the one who fixes their plates (my big thing is the food doesn't get cut small enough). And also, I just thought of something - when you go over for dinner, where do the kids sit to eat? I mean, are they in people's laps or do they have their own high chairs? The last couple times we've all had dinners together, there've been so many people that there weren't enough chairs to go around so I put their high chairs on the floor in the kitchen. They're little portable ones, so it's pretty inconvenient to keep reaching down to give them food. I wonder if you did something like that, where it's kind of out of the way to keep giving them food, if that would help? I buckle the kids in their seats, and then I snap off that white lid & use it for a plate while everyone else is fixing their plates. Just a thought.

I'm sorry they're making it so tough on you. And the cookie thing would drive me nuts! Hope it gets better.

 

Those are good suggestions...actually the only reason they were dressed up the other day was b/c Kris's uncle from out of state was home and he only gets to see the girls about twice a year But regardless, if I say no spaghetti that should be it, ya know? Kris went over to eat today and we (me and the girls) did not. I thought he would say something...I asked him to, but he didn't. I was furious! His reason, he says, is b/c we tell them every Sunday not to do this or that and if they don't get it, then they never will...well, yes, we say things in the moment, but they don't listen. I really thought if he used today as an opportunity to sit them down and politely explain to them why we feel this way and the consequences of them not listening and respecting us, then things would get better. they are not my family, so to speak, and I don't feel as if I should have to be the one to do this, but if he doesn't, then I'm going to...if they want to continue to see us at Sunday dinner then its got to be said.

 

I agree! If they want to keep seeing them, then it has to said and RESPECTED! It really gets my goat that they are like this. I guess I just take my family for granted, because they wouldn't do this. :angry:

Good for you for not going! If you keep it up, they will eventually ASK why you aren't coming.....he'll have to speak up or lie!