Preventing the outbursts of frustration

DD is our intense, passionate, reactionary child. We are trying to avoid punishing her for behavior right now and instead are trying to head it off before it happens. However, we cannot seem to see the warning signs and she often just snaps. She has moved passed biting her brother and is now scratching his face in frustration. He currently has two claw marks under each eye from two different incidents.

How do we give her the right tools to deal with her frustration? Do we tell her to come and get Mommy or Daddy (that does not sound appealing)? Do we just have to wait a bit longer until she can communicate better?

I hate to say it, but I know exactly how she feels in these moments as this is probably something that I handed down to her :unsure:

 

I think you need to keep reminding her to use her words and not her hands to show she's angry. You could even role play to help her understand how to react to a situation and what words to use. When she does act out, then tell her what words she could have used to express her anger in that situation, and then put her in time-out. I know you don't want to punish her, but if it's an act that causes harm, I think time-out is appropriate in addition to telling her the right way to react. Also, and this was always the hardest for me, but make sure that you are also reacting calmly to her and to any situation yourself. You know kids learn by watching, so it's really important that until she gets this that you act as calmly as possible in all situations.

 

I agree wtih Rachel. . .plus a TO isn't 100% punishment, it's also a time to step back and reflect on what you did, plus time to calm down.

 

Thanks, ladies! I guess what I really want to know is what she SHOULD be doing instead of attacking her brother? If he steals a toy, how should she respond? If she wants a toy that he has, how should she behave?

These seem like such basic questions :blush: (maybe because DH and I are both only children...we never had to deal with siblings!) Some of my friends with twins say "oh, we just let them work it out." But for us, that doesn't work because we end up with scratched faces or bite marks!

 

When we have toy stealing, the "robber" has to give the toy back to the other child and tell them they are sorry. For now we still mediate between them. It is a situation where if something happens, they come and tell mommy and daddy and we deal with.

In a situation of hitting/scratching, then in our house both would get a TO. One for stealing the toy, the other for hitting/scratching. And in separate areas/rooms. Whoever was reacting (hitting/scratching) would get talked to about ways to handle what happened, but they would also have to sit in TO.

We've been consistent with our actions and now they are at a point that if I ask them, "Did you take ______ from your sister/brother?" They will tell me and their sibling they are sorry and hand the toy back. And they are finally getting better about taking turns. They remind each other that it's their turn and will often trade off without us prompting them.

And that's another thing. We have a few toys that they fight over more than others. We will remind them as soon as the toy comes out, "It's ______'s turn. In a few minutes it will be your turn." And they seem to do well with that.

 

We do the same as PP - we mediate toy stealing and make the person who took the toy give it back to the person who originally had it. We also talk a lot about sharing and my two will say K's Turn - ok T's Turn, etc. and that seems to help because they realize that they know they will get a chance with it. We do have some hitting, biting, and scratching at times but the minute we see anything of that sort (even if it is a hit that they hold back) we put them in time-out and require them to say they are sorry when they get out of timeout. My son blows-up a little more than my daugher (but she is harder to calm down when she does get upset) so we do a lot of T - tell me what's wrong - K calm down over here away from your brother, etc. and that really seems to help. When they tell me what is bothering them I can often have one say they are sorry, or the other go get the cup they threw, etc. and all is better again. If one of mine wants something the other has I either ask them to share and monitor the time each plays with it or get the other involved with something else. HTH!

 

I coach mine through situations like that and give them words. I'll say, "C just took your toy. I know that makes you mad. Mommy gets mad when people take her things too. Ignore her and she'll drop it shortly and you can get it back, or come play with this toy. Next time, run away so she can't get your toy, or hold it up high and say "No!". Then I work with C on how she should ask for it nicely, etc. If they can't move on, I put the toy in time out. I have one highly-emotional DD and when she gets mad or upset (and doesn't genuinely need consoling), I ask her to go into the other room until she feels better and she does, on her own. I've taught her how to pound her fists on the ground when she gets really mad as I know she needs an outlet, or to go off by herself and lay down with her bunny until she feels better. I try to identify her emotions for her and teach her how to express them in an acceptable way.

I've also taught mine that when they want a toy the other has, to just ingore them and not show they want it, and then that DD will drop that toy pretty quickly and they can then go get it. They will listen sometimes and sure enough, that toy gets dropped quickly, so they're seeing that technique work. I talk about sharing and we role-play that a lot and go crazy with praise when we see them share on their own, but that sometimes the other person wants to keep their toy and they have to accept that and find another toy.

I have a children's book that we read every night called "I Love You Through and Through" and part of it goes through the different emotions and we all act them out and I think it helps them understand what is going on when they feel the different emotions. I've also read that kids release "bad" emotions when they laugh, so I try to get them to really laugh and scream at something fun, like playing chase or wrestling (not tickling) throughout the day and I think it lets a lot of emotions out before they get too bottled up and they explode. The book that talks about the psychology behind that is called "Playful Parenting".

It's an ongoing process, that's for sure!

 

THANKS! These are all super helpful comments

 

In addition to all of the wonderful advice from the previous people, we have accomodated toy sharing with a couple of other ideas:

1. by setting a timer. In the beginning, if they started to fight over something, I would say, "OK, X had it first. I am going to set the timer and when it goes off, it is going to be X's turn." I usually set the oven timer for 2 minutes. Sometimes the one who originally had it, it bored with it before the timer goes off. But for them, knowing that it will be their turn soon, was helpful to ward off any other unwanted behaviors.

2. giving them their own toys. I also started to realized that they didn't have any of their own possessions. They had to share EVERYTHING. So when they were given rewards or gifts, I started to label them with their initial. They are allowed to share their possession if they want, but if their brother is playing with one of their "special toys", then they need to give it up immediately. Now that they understand that they have their own possessions, they are more OK with sharing the other toys. I still hear, "that car has an "A" on it, and he won't give it to meeee!" I remind them of what it feels like when their brother has one of their special toys and they usually give it up without too much fuss.

3. letting them pick their toys, for the day. We have tons of cars, trains, etc that are expected to be shared. In the morning, we would dump a pile of whatever they wanted to play with on the floor, and they would be able to pick, one by one what they wanted. Then they each had their pile of toys to play with and wasn't allowed to disturb the others.

After setting the groundwork for sharing and consistently enforcing the rules, they (for the most part) play well with each other.