I really could use some input on this one. My DS and DD are 4 months now. Up until this point I have been keeping it together - I'm home alone with them and I manage to keep things going - how, I'm still not sure, but there we are. I have been pretty proud of myself, actually, since I never thought I could do half of this. I've had a history of depression and so I have been on the alert for PPD since day 1 and to my shock it hasn't materialized. Or so I thought. My MIL has been an issue, also from day 1. This blindsided me because we had always had a very good relationship. She is essentially a nice lady who is not really all that bright but she does mean well. Since my pregnancy she became very intrusive, coming over uninvited to "sit with me" while I was on bedrest. This was something that I (an extremely private person) didn't need or want, but she didn't seem to mind. Then she started insisting that she pick out fabrics/paint/furniture for the nursery. Again, I didn't need or want anyone else making these choices. I went into the hospital at 29 weeks for observation - DH called to let her know and within 20 minutes as I was having an oh so pleasant vaginal ultrasound, a nurse came in saying to DH that "your mother is outside and wants to come in, too." She was hurt that she wasn't invited to the delivery room and that she had to wait to see us in our room (hospital's orders). When we came home, my mother moved in with us for the first few weeks to get me back on my feet. She was over almost every night until midnight. She was over every weekend. She said she was "helping" but all she wanted to do was hold the babies and change their diapers. She is not very intuitive or good with babies and she would just laugh when they cried like it was so cute. I have never in my life felt the urge to hit someone before this. At around the 10 week mark I finally got myself together and got rid of the help. DH and I said that it was time for us to fly solo and it was the best decision we made. I got the babies on a schedule (well, sort of) and gained some confidence. I thought that maybe that was the end of it. I was so wrong. MIL calls or emails almost every day asking if she can come over, bring a friend over, take the babies to her place, take the babies 2 hours out of town to meet her aunt etc. She finds an excuse to come over at least once a week, over and above the one day she spends babysitting. Frequently she is here 3X a week. She comes early and stays late, not having any regard for how it affects the babies or DH or me. Then she has the nerve to call DH at work complaining that she doesn't see them enough. I have spoken to her directly about this, being very kind but firm, and asked her to be patient with us. I tried to work out a schedule where she could come by on a weekend morning to visit, but this wasn't good enough. The email onslaught continued with more and more ridiculous outings that she wanted to do. My kids are only 4 months old. Taking them out for a walk is still a challenge for me. I can't possibly take them to a dinner party she is having that starts an hour after their bedtime, as she suggested they do. Finally I wrote her an email that, again, kindly but firmly said that although we want her to be a part of their lives, we can't do it all and that we hoped she understood and didn't take it personally. Well, guess what? She did. Called DH in tears calling us ungrateful and accusing us of keeping her grandchildren from us. Keep in mind that NOBODY sees them more than she does. DH sees them only slightly more. My parents live out of town and would kill for the access she has. Needless to say, this has been a huge drama in the past few weeks. I am not a confrontational person, and it has taken all of my strength to approach her about these issues. In spite of how frustrated I am with her, I feel horrible that she is so upset, and have been carrying a huge load of guilt. I feel like I can't take it any more and I've just broken. I have been crying during the day and I feel that I'm neglecting DS and DD. I feel like all that I have been working for has disappeared and I'm just trapped. DH is somewhat supportive but mostly wishes that this would all go away, and I can't deal with fighting with him over this anymore. I just feel so low all the time - the only time I feel slightly like myself is when the babies smiles at me. Then it's back to being miserable. What I can't figure out is if this is standard MIL stress or PPD. Or is it both? I just don't know what to do. Maybe someone has some perspective on this, cause I sure as **** don't. So sorry this is so long - thanks for reading. I appreciate any suggestions.
First of all, a big :hug99: to you. It could be that you're a little more emotional or stressed than normal, but not to the point where I'd think you could be struggling with PPD. You sound truly frustrated with the situation (as I would be), and I don't think you're overreacting at all! I would say that if you aren't confident flying solo, laying on the couch all day, and feeling more than just a little sad (because that's normal...your hormones are out of whack), then you could be. But this sounds more like a boundary issue that's stressing you out. I wish I had some advice for you, but I just don't. I think it may be time for DH to handle this one, because it doesn't seem like you're getting through.
From what you have said, I think that it is both. MIL definitely sounds overbearing, and I really don't have any advice other than what it sounds like you have already done, which is tell her. As far as the PPD. Please don't discount the way you feel. It's possible that you have just sort of slowed down enough to realize that you are feeling bad. Crying all day, feeling trapped, those are classic signs of PPD. Please call your doc and let him/her decide if you are experiencing PPD. :sign0016: to TS...I am glad that you found us! Be sure to check your inbox, I am going to send you a PM (private message).
You may have a bit of PPD, but I think the main problem is that you are feeling stuck in this situation with your MIL. My suggestion would be to stop dealing with her and have your DH do it. He may wish that the situation will just go away, but it won't, it will only get worse if it is not dealt with. She is his mother and he needs to lay down the "rules". We were having the same problem with my MIL. She wanted to come over not only every weekend, but every Wednesday as well. While my mom was staying with us after the girls birth there was nothing we could do about it, but once she left my DH let his mom know that she was welcome to come over every OTHER Sunday. My DH works full-time and is also getting another degree at night and sometimes has Saturday classes so we NEED our weekends to get things done. With her trying to come over every weekend it just wasn't working. We had to make it clear to her that yes we wanted her to enjoy time with her grandchildren, but that we also needed our own time as a family. My MIL also complains that she doesn't see the girls enough, but I don't really feel bad, she sees them more than any of the other grandparents (my parents live on the east coast).
Does my husband have a brother that I don't know about????? Because we MUST have the same MIL! I went through the EXACT SAME THING you're going through now; but lucky for you, I went through mine years ago and have learned how to rein this woman in since then! ha! I was in love with my MIL when I first married...right up until I got pregnant with our first son (who's 4 now)...she turned on me then...ha! When the baby came, I could do NOTHING RIGHT...I allowed her to be in the delivery room with us then (we had a crowd of relatives for the first baby)..she was over all the time, constantly saying, "Well, he hasn't had a dirty diaper today? HE NEEDS SOME KARO!" Even though that was just my baby's normal routine...and what's so sad about it, is I didn't realize what an idiot she was until AFTER I was guilted into believing I wasn't a good enough mother...I would scream at my husband to handle his mother...but, like yours, mine pretended to be an ostrich and stuck his head in the sand hoping it would blow over by the time he looked up again! ha! NO SUCH LUCK FOR HIM! After a while, he told me I'd have to handle her myself because she'd just run over me until I did... Now, this woman is so misinformed and very backwoods (even for Alabama! ha!) that she was doing some of the most idiotic things with my baby...I, of course, found this out the hard way when she would babysit for me when I did work part time. When I found out the things she did with my sweet baby, I quit work and told my husband we'd just have to deal with it b/c I wasn't risking my son's safety for her benefit. I learned that when she overstepped her boundaries, I had to call her on it, THEN AND THERE. I can remember the "turning point" in our relationship vividly..we were visiting her house when my son was about 2. We were sitting in the livingroom around her coffee table, my son was sitting across from her, beside me. He did something that MIL thought warranted a spanking (mind you, I was beside my son and my husband was sitting behind me), so MIL RAISED HER HAND TO SLAP MY CHILD in my presence...I jumped up and yelled at her, wagging my finger, "You WILL NOT hit my child, I AM HIS MOTHER, HE is my job, NOT YOURS!!!" She looked shocked. Now, I'd love to say that ended it; but it did not. She's the same as always...I now live by that old saying, "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results!!!!" That summed up our relationship! When I got pregnant with the twins..she thought, even despite all trouble we have had together, she was going to share in the experience. NOT! I got stuck in the hospital for a month before the babies came. I went by ambulance the first time, and we made the mistake of letting her know. The hospital was almost 3 hours from home....she was up there before my own husband made it (even though we told her NOT to come)! That was the lasssst person I wanted there...I told my husband, from here on out, don't let her visit. I was going insane, she was in my room the whole time I was on Mag Sulfate, contracting, she didn't leave even when they put the catheter in! And she just loooves to drop comments like, "I neeever got THAT big when I was pregnant!" Mind you, she never had but one baby. It was my own personal version of ****. I got out of the hospital, but only for a week, before I was admitted again, by ambulance, to the same 3 hour from home hospital. We didn't tell my MIL. In fact, she called and called, and my husband avoided her. I was in there for a month and she STILL doesn't know about it (and the twins are almost 4 months old! ha!)... Needless to say, she was pissed we didn't call when they were born; but we didn't care. She's pissed each and every time we don't let her babysit; but we don't care. If she wants to come and visit, that's fine...we'll even meet up with her out and about sometimes--but I got over walking on eggshells around her and then taking it out on my husband...I was tired of feeling like my marriage would end because of the problems his mother caused! Then it just occurred to me, that if she was the problem, we'd take that element out of our lives. When she asked why we were not calling or coming by, we'd simply tell her, we don't need the drama. We'll let you visit, but they are our kids, and we'll handle them. And we let her know, real quick...if she doesn't BEHAVE, we'll take the kids and go home. That's our right. I've learned to ignore her idiotic comments, or, if I feel like a real *****, just to give them right back to her! ha! My MIL also played the whiny card if she acted up and didn't see us for a while...she even goes so far as to call the rest of the family and spread it around town that we were keeping her from the grandkids...the family would then call us and give us **** about it! I told my husband that I wasn't worried about it..I said, "If they know your mom, then they will understand why we have to do what we have to do...and if they don't know your mom well enough, well then it's not their business anyways, is it?" I am resolute about not living my life to please others. It's your life...you can't be bothered with her abuse, or her emotional extortion. You have to do what is right for YOU and YOUR babies, your family. ...ps...let me just say, I DO NOT think you have PPD...having gone through the same thing, it made me very depressed sometimes; but once my take on MIL changed, once I put my foot down, I felt better immediately....she was the problem, not myself, or my hormones. And, remember, too, it's nice to think your husband should handle his mother...but you have to remember he has dealt with her all his life, he's used to her crap. He has learned to ignore her. And, usually, if he does confront the issue, he doesn't do it effectively (my husband, not yours)....bear with it, you'll reach your breaking point with her and tell her where to go and how to get there! And, your husband, will more than likely be so proud that you didn't drag him into the middle that he will support you 100 percent!!!!
it sounds as though you are in the middle of a VERY stressful situation :hug99: it's good you are on the lookout for PPD with your history, and i would see your previous health provider to ensure your well being....that said, i agree with PP that one or perhaps 2 things need to happen: 1) get DH to take a stand and/or 2) take your own stand and make it clear that you need your space with the babies the problem, i know is not when you go to her place, it's that she's constantly at YOUR place....so if it's not convenient that she is there....tell her so at the door and ask her to come back tomorrow...then call DH immediately and tell him what just happened before she gets a chance to do so....(better still, let him know ahead of time that this is the plan and then let him know when you go through with it) you may also speak with her frankly and tell her that you appreciate her company, but that you are doing things your way and that if she can stick to your methods (ie. following your instructions with the babies) she can stay it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job with the babies, home alone and on schedules, and you SHOULD be proud of yourself for that...you have proven to yourself that you are strong enough to handle the job of raising twinfants and you will also amaze yourself that you have the strength to push away anything that stands between you and your children (and their wellbeing) when you actually take your stand and show the lady what youre made of good luck :good:
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. :hug99: I really commend you, though, for how well you're handling your pushy MIL. You are right to set some boundaries, and you have done so with kindness and compassion. Her reaction is HER problem. You don't own this anymore. If she doesn't like it, tough. You are doing the right thing by taking care of your needs and your babies' needs first. If she wants to continue to have a good relationship, she'll just have to understand that, and if she doesn't, it's her fault, not yours. QUOTE I just feel so low all the time - the only time I feel slightly like myself is when the babies smiles at me. Then it's back to being miserable. This does sound like PPD to me. If you're not feeling like yourself, if you have no energy, are crying all day, feel withdrawn from loved ones, and can't take any pleasure in things you used to enjoy, that's probably depression. Also, compare how you're feeling now to other times in your life when you've had serious problems but not depression - if there's a difference, again, it's probably PPD. There's a big difference between ordinary stress & unpleasantness and depression. Please try to talk to a good doctor about it soon. Therapy and medication can help a LOT. Your problems will still be there, but you will be strong enough to face them without being drowned like this. :hug99: Take good care of yourself, and I hope you feel better soon.
I hear you! My MIL was VERY similar. Things have slowly gotten better-not great-but better and we are at 7 months. I do think it is good to go through your DH when things are really getting to you. I think over time she has been able to kind of step back from her point of view (must see grandbabies at all times and have parties to show them off no matter what their schedule is or ours) and has slowly come to see our side of things. Sometimes I am amazed that she was ever a mother! I have slowly become more firm w/ her and she is slowly backing off. She will actually call and ask if she can come over now instead of just landing at our door. Hang in there and stay true to you and those babies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well Jenny...it sounds like you have some serious stress in your life right now! No one needs that kind of intrusion. It seems to me like the time to worry about hurting her feelings is past and it's time to draw your boundary lines. I would try one more time to get DH on board, but if he won't, you're going to have to put the smack down. Maybe once this stress is resolved you'll feel better, but if not--it really doesn't hurt to just get it checked out by the Dr. Please let us know how it goes. You can always come here and vent! Reyna
I am sorry you are having such a difficult, stressful time. I agree w/pp's: first, you are doing a TERRIFIC job! Managing twinfants by yourself is an enormously debilitating thing. And you even have a semblance of a schedule! Also - yes, check w/your healthcare provider -do you have a good relationship with your gyno? re the ppd. I'm not in a position to diagnose, but some of what you say does sound classic, and it is both wise and healthy of you to be aware of it, esp. given your history. Now, re: you MIL. YOU are the one who gets to determine the babies' activities/schedule. So, no parties that start after their bedtime, no endless visits w/grandma, etc.. And your husband does not get to continue to be an ostrich; unfortunately, it is up to you to change the dynamic of dealing w/it. So a thought: if you were to send HIM an email explaining how you feel, and what havoc it is wreaking on all of your lives (because trust me, an unhappy full time mom makes for an unhappy dh and unhappy babies), and have him understnad that you WANT to maintain a good relationship w/your MIL, but that he has to step up and step in, because you are at the end of your rope. I find that often when i can't get through to my DH because i'm so angry/sad/frustarted that if i can write it (as you did so beautifully and articulately above), then he can hear me, because i'm not ranting, or overly emotional in the delivery of the msg. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS as a mother; it sounds liek you're doing great. And ultiamtely they are your children. I, too, had a great relationship w/my MIL and still m ostly do, but - i've had to draw boundaries, and make it clear that al though she didn't agree w/some of what i did (she thought swaddling them was imprisoning them in straightjackets!), that it wasn't her place to decide. Good luck, keep seeking support
Welcome to TS I am sure you will find much needed and advice here. I hope you are able to work something out. The only thing I have to add is, the nice thing about emails is, you can delete them, block them, or even change your email address. I also think if she is hounding you with phone calls you should turn off the ringer until you are ready to talk to her. If she shows up at your door uninvited firmly tell her to go home, it is not a good time, and why. To use a shampoo metaphor: Lather rinse repeat. :hug99: Alyson
First of all :hug99: it seems to me just from reading your post that you are a woman that DOES have it together. I'm sure you do have some leftover hormones that are heightening your emotions a little but it really seems as though you have handled this in as calm of a manner as you can. My mom and I are close (she drives me nuts but I love her) and she lives about 10 minutes away and she watches the babies on Monday nights and every once in a while she will get them if we go out on a Saturday. DH's mother is very ill and we take them to see his parents every Sunday and sometimes his dad stops over after work (maybe once every 2 weeks). I'm explaining this just to give you a frame of refference and to assure you that you are not KEEPING her grandchildren from her. Now I'm sure there are two sides to every issue but the bottom line is that YOU are the mother and the happier you are the happier the babies are. I think you should TAKE A DEEP BREATH and disconnect. This is clearly NOT ABOUT YOU this is her issue. The fact that she has this much time to spend irritating you is a little unhealthy on her part. I think a lot of us have issues with MILs myself included, and at some point I had to decide whether I wanted to keep putting energy into the drama of it all. I was driving myself insane with resentments. If I were you I would explain to DH that you are no longer going to discuss the issue of his mother and her NEED to see her grandchildren because it is taking away from your ability to calmly raise your children and then leave it at that. Figure out a day or two if you want to be generous that she can visit or that you can take them there (so that you can control when you leave) and stick to your guns sister! The next time she starts on a rant try and pause, take a deep breath and don't let her reel you in to HER drama. It is not your job to make her happy, she has to find other things in her life that give her happiness other that your babies. I think that DH would welcome your not wanting to discuss his mother, men like to fix things and he can't fix his mother so the whole thing is probably very difficult on him too. I actually found that talking my DH was the last person that could help me deal with my issues with his family. I have really spent some time working on this issue within my own family (talk about guilt, my DH's mom is paralyzed from the neck down and his dad is miserable from taking care of her every day)but it still doesn't mean I have to pack up my kids and take them there everytime they want to see them. Don't carry guilt over this, raising twins and being home ALL day with them is probably the most trying thing you will deal with and you are doing great! Make sure you and DH are on the same page and PLEASE call your doctor about PPD you may really need to be treated. Some of the pp gave good symptoms to look for. I know this is all a lot easier said than done but just try and remember "Only she is responsible for the way she feels, not you" If she wants to sit in her own you know what over not being able to see her grandchildren anytime she wants, maybe she will eventually get the point when you or DH don't respond to her whining. She gets to see them when it's convenient for you and that's just the way it is. If she wants to hate you over it, that's on her you have done your best. Hang in there sweetie we are all here when you need to vent about it to somebody.
Thank you so much for all your replies. It feels a whole lot better to know I'm not alone, or crazy. DH has taken over the communication with MIL, which I agree is the best option. I clearly can't get through to her. She is stubborn and sees everything in black and white. She is also unable to see things from anyone else's perspective, which makes it very difficult. In her mind, she wants to see her grandchildren as much as possible so she will do whatever she can in her power to see them, without thinking of the consequences to anyone else. (Can't come by on Monday? How about Tuesday, then? Wednesday? Thursday? ...) All of my subtle hints are absolutely lost on this woman, and being direct turns her into a 2 year old who just got their toy taken away from them. This is not the first time she's had boundary issues. SIL had to speak to her because she wanted to visit her and her DH for weeks at a time. She was absolutely wounded that she was asked to limit her visits and holds it against BIL (and will forever). She still doesn't understand that her behavior is inappropriate. FIL is the one who, very sharply, tells her to back off, and he laid into her this week over our situation. I think he is the only one who really respects that I need my space and if I have any glimmer of hope it is that he has my back. DH is much more forgiving and lenient when it comes to her (which is why she generally sidesteps me and talks to him), but FIL doesn't put up with her crap. I think this must be payback for all the times I bragged about what a great MIL she was to my girlfriends who were having their own MIL issues. I have made an appointment with my doctor this week to talk about all of this. I hope he can clear some of this up. Thanks again for all of your support and kindness. I really needed it.
Jenny, I am so glad that you posted your concerns, so you can see how common these problems can be! You are doing all the right things, and I admire that in you! Take care, and good job contacting your Dr. Missy
Hi Jenny, I have not read the other posts but from Becky's above it does look like you may have gotten things worked out a bit. I just wanted to say that my MIL was very angry with me about something that I did which was completely innocent and I was really just trying to keep the peace and keep myself sane...i.e. baby was screaming when I handed DS over to MIL, we were only with my in-laws for a couple of hours, and I really just insisted on holding my son because I was terrified he would never stop and calm down and we had to fly out the next morning and they were only 3mos. old... anyway, the point is, in this case I was actually probably the one that was wrong (whereas in your case you are clearly in the right and she is out of line) but I still was only trying to do my best as a new mother in an extremely stressful situation that no one else, unless they are a twin mommy, can understand or HAS A RIGHT TO JUDGE. My mil called my DH and said how disappointed she was in me and I actually had to call her and apologize. Although I kindly apologized to her I also kindly made it clear that CRITICIZING, JUDGING, AND OTHERWISE FURTHER STRESSING OUT A NEW MOTHER (ESP. OF TWINFANTS) IS REALLY REALLY REALLY LOW AND DIRTY (ESP. IF BEING DONE BY SOMEONE WHOM HAS BEEN A NEW MOTHER AT ONE TIME). Anyone who loves you knows you are only doing what you think is best and even if it is hurtful to them I do believe that they owe it to you to give you about a year before they expect you to think of them before you think of keeping yourself and your babies and your DH fed, clean, and sane! THat is how I feel about that! Amy
