my boys are 3 months now and i've not really been a good mom to them, at least that's what i feel like. i mean all of their basic needs are met, they get fed, bathed, changed, etc. but when it comes to their developmental play time and so forth i'm HORRIBLE. i'm not much of a talker to begin with (i like writing more than speaking) so i RARELY talk to my kids. i don't stimulate them with play like with rattles, sitting in their chairs, playmats, tummy time, etc. i feel like such a failure at that part of parenting. basically all i do is change them, feed them and put them back in their cribs to hopefully go back to sleep. unfortunately they aren't napping much these days so that is getting harder to do and i'm having to force myself to be more active with them. i mean, it's not like they don't get stimulation at all, they hear words from the news or sounds from whatever noise i have on to keep me company and other people talk to them a lot like their grandparents and their dad but i just can't do it yet. i feel so stupid, like i'm talking to a stuffed animal. in my defense the boys were 5 weeks premature and even though they are 3 months they are at a 2 month develop level so i'm JUST now getting smiles and slight reactions from them when i do talk to them. they also have HORRID reflux so i can't really do tummy time because they just throw up everywhere. fortunately, despite my short comings, they are learning. they are cooing a lot and can lift their heads up even though i have really showed them how. they don't follow your hand or any toy/light when you move it across their eyes though. eye contact really just started. so i feel like their delay is my fault, you know? i knew from the moment i was transfered from the operating room to the mother baby unit that i was in trouble. the nurses kept trying to bring the babies into the room so that i could feed them and cuddle them but i didn't want to do it. granted i was recovering from a c-section so that didn't help but the responsibility of caring for another life, and two at that, just completely stopped me dead in my tracks. one of my son's came home first and it was so easy. feedings took 30 minutes max and he was off to sleep. the other came home 5 days later and then things just fell apart. my husband went back to work within 2 weeks and i was left alone to take care of them by myself. and when i say by myself, i mean alone-alone. DH works 80+ hours a week and i see him 3 hours a night with every third day no physical contact at all since he's working a 24 hour shift. i am, virtually, a single parent. totally alone in caring for the kids, the house and myself. it's totally isolating and i feel myself becoming more and more hermit like. i have very few friends and family in the area and everyone works during the day (when i feel the most alone). at night when they aren't working they all have their own families and responsibilities to take care of so help is limited. the only consistent helper is my mother in law who i don't get along with and find it difficult to allow her to come and take over for me. i feel like she is judging me and does a better job them me. she calls them "our babies" instead of her "grandbabies". i feel like she's not allowing me to be their mother and it's a power struggle. like she wants to take control of them and tell me what to do and how to do it all the time because she's had 3 kids and thinks everything she did in raising them was correct and perfect. basically my fear is that my boys will love her more than me. when i was a baby i called my grandmother "mommy" because she was around more so this is a real, deep set fear. so i tend to distance myself from her "help". in the beginning i hated feedings, i hated having to tend to them. i just wanted to be left alone. i didn't have that connection, that bond, that instant love and need to craddle them when they came home. i mean when they came out i was instantly in love but then it seemed to go away. i think i just got so overwhelmed by it all that i let myself completely fall a part. the boys then got colic and cried constantly. i couldn't handle that. my temper got shorter with everyone. i was yelling at DH, refusing to let anyone come over and just making everyone very very distant from me. i would feed the boys, put them down and go right back to sleep and i did this ALL day long for weeks. i often found myself screaming and punching walls out of frustration when the boys would cry. i just couldn't handle it. and everyone kept telling me to hold them, hold them, they need you to love them to stop crying but i just couldn't bring myself to do it. even now, i don't hold them all the time...although it is getting better but i've got two! i can't coddle them! so basically my motivation for life just went to hell. eventually i just stopped being able to take care of them and myself instead of just myself (that was 3 weeks ago). i got on meds and my dad came down for 2 1/2 weeks (he left yesterday) and things started to get back on track. i get up in the am, i get them fed, i do my "relax" time on-line and then start laundry and what not. now i'm afraid that since he's gone and i'm alone again with just the t.v. for comfort that i won't have the motivation anymore. i won't have the desire. i'm afraid that everything will just fall apart again. god i am SOOOOOO scared of this. DH is going to work in a few minutes and i'll be alone until about 7pm. i've got chores to do but i just feel so overwhelmed by everything that i'm not even sure i'll be able to get them done. and the kids...i don't know. i don't mind feeding them anymore but the stimulation part is still super hard for me. it's almost like i can't be bothered, you know? it's sounds awful but it's so hard for me to come out of my shell and be this person that openly communicates with these somewhat unresponsive creatures. don't get me wrong, i do love them and now i am finding myself thinking that i couldn't imagine my life without them or even remember what life was like before i had them but it's still so overwhelming. i think it will get better once they really start to be responsive and want to play with things and interact more. i am really looking forward to that age. am i a totally bad mother?
:hug: You are not a bad mother. The fact that you are worried about this and want to do something to change things makes you a good mother. Don't beat up on yourself. TS does have a postpartum forum, you can contact Becky5 or DATJMom for more info. I can tell you from my own experience, these first months were really hard. The twins were my first children and I felt like I had no idea what to do with one baby, let alone two of them. It is tough to try to interact with little ones who do not exactly interact back. One of the things that I found helpful (and it felt weird to do at first) was just tell them how my day is going, what I am doing, what they would be doing. I would read short little books to them, make up silly songs to sing to them. It is difficult when your DH is working insane hours, the kids don't nap and you are not getting any sort of break to just decompress. Is there anyway when your MIL comes over that you can go out of the house, even for an hour? Even if you just go for a walk around your neighborhood. I don't think you will have to worry about your boys loving her more then you. Grandmas (at least in my experience) are always infinitely cooler then us Mommas, but the kids don't love them more then us, they love them in a different way. I don't know what your relationship is like with your MIL but if you can (or feel comfortable doing so), can you talk to her about how you are feeling? She might not realize how she is coming across and think that her advice and what she is doing is helping you out. Hang in there Momma, :hug:
I am in your shoes totally. ITs much easier now at 2 months but I had all the same feelings. I felt that anger feeling but not to hurt me or them just anger. I am so used to being on the go, jumping on line, doing projects around the house, DOING FOR MYSELF. then all of a sudden I cant do it. I still cant. I can hardly get one meal a week cooked. It upsets me but its slowly getting better. Mine want to be cuddled ALOT and I just cant do it! I cant cuddle/hold and wash bottles or wash laundry or do this and do that. Its VERY frustrating!! Dont worry about being a bad mommy! We are all moms of twins and you do what you do to survive it and get by! Its totally different for singleton moms and all my friends are either not moms are moms to ONE baby!! so they have NO IDEA! I just miss being able to hop on the internet and shop and browse and work on finances I know it will get better and it has around my house the past few weeks. Sometiems I have to let them cry for a few minutes and I have gotten better with that. I still feel horrible but not that instinct OMG drop everything and run! I love my babies too but I do sometimes feel I am just not cut out for this but then their are times when they are so peaceful sleeping or they coo and grin and it does melt you. I am dealing with double reflux so I hear you on the fussiness but we will get through it!! You are just a little further ahead of me I think so feel free to message me ANYTIME!! My email is [email protected] . Feel free to email me bc at home I am not readily accessible to the computer and I can do email via blackberry while feeding, rocking, etc
:hug: I am sorry so that you are all by yourself handling sooooo many responsibilities. The first few months were difficult on all of us. Having someone come over and help a bit was extremely important. Had I been in your place, if MIL is willing to come over and help a bit, I would welcome her with a big smile. You have no other choice! You need to relax to be able to bond with your babies. Babies at that age like music and songs. I used mostly to put them lot of babies song CDs and sing to them, speak to them normally (about the weather, ...) as if they are grown up. just whatever comes to my mind. Good luck! :hug:.
No you are not a bad mother...you are Human. I somewhat went through the same experience as you.I did it and am doing it by myself.When my sons 1st came home I was so overwhelmed and I did not have the emotional support from my husband.As a matter of fact...he did not understand post-pardum depression.So many people was at our home and they were not sanitizing their hands....they had the nerve to be offended because I wanted them to sanitize.They even tried to tell me how to be with my kids and how to raise them.This thing got so bad that my husband and I separated for a month and a half. I was ALL ALONE! It was very hard getting up through the night getting bottles and double feeding and carrying my kids up and down the stairs all by myself and loading them in the car. (mind you I was not fully recovered from the c-section)He would say things like "I was losing my mind with the germ stuff." I can remember being so exausted and sleep deprived that I really became scared. I would punch the bed out of frustration.I have put my mouth in a pillow and yelled to the top of my lungs.I have cried many times.One time I yelled and it scared my son and he cried uncontrollably.That was when I got a grip.I felt like such a failure..I held and hugged him and told him over and over that I was sorry for scaring him. I ended up hiring a nanny with the little funds that I had for a weekend to get a little relief.My husband is back home now and our relationship is better.He helps more and somewhat understand what I go through.(we had an intervention to open his eyes to my experience)Still I basically do it myself because his job has him away for weeks at a time.So I say to you hold on...things will get better..though it is still tough...love your children and understand that their brain is not mature enough to know what they are doing, they need us to take care of them.So if you get to the point where you feel so overwhelmed to where it get scary....allow the mother-n-law to help and somehow ignore her (annoyances) and look at it as releif until the boys reach milestones to where you can manage on your on.After all...you are the sole caregiver...you have a greater influence on them than she does...when they get bigger and if it seems like she is trying to take overyou can alwayslimit the time that she spends with them(if it make you feel better).Good luck and take care of those babies. :hug:
You are not a bad mother. I would try and get out everyday. Go for a walk. Take them to the Mall, Target, wherever. I found that getting out really gave me a purpose to keep going. I had to get the diaper bag ready. Plan feedings accordingly and even an unscheduled stop for a diaper change and feeding to keep me on my toes. :hug:
You are a great mother - what you are feeling is totally normal. I feel the same guilt because at this point I just want to feed them, change them and put them back to bed as soon as possible so I can do something other than baby care. I feel like I am stunting their development too because I don't expose them to numerous types of play stimulation. I only recently started waving little toys in front of their faces and wonder if I should be doing more. Recently they also started getting fussier after feedings and one in particular needs to be held almost constantly or she starts crying. For the past week I have had to sleep with her on my chest because she will absolutely NOT go down in her crib. I swaddle her, I rock her, etc. and every time her head hits the crib she explodes. Hopefully this is just a stage. Even though I know this craziness will eventually pass it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when it's 3am and you're alone with two screaming babies. You just do whatever you have to do I guess. BTW - in addition to seconding the suggestion that you get out with them for walks as often as possible (one of the few things that has allowed me to maintain my sanity) I would recommend getting a Moby wrap - my girls love being in it and it seems to calm them instantly. You can also walk around and do other things at the same time so it's handy. Try not to get discouraged and know that there are so many of us in the same boat and many more who have gone through the same thing and (surprisingly) survived!! We can do it!!! :grouphug: BTW - forgot to mention: get/download the CD Lullaby by Jewel - the girls seem to like it and it's very soothing for Mama too!!
