Postpartum depression or normal new twin madness?

I feel like I am completely losing it!! I have been doing so well until this week. I've been able to keep a really good sense of humor about everything until this week. My girls came 6 weeks early; one spent 12 days in NICU, the other 4 weeks. They are about 11 weeks old. Both are on apnea monitors and meds; both continue to have alarms and I want to throw the monitors through the window. Makayla has bad reflux that's not really responding to the meds. She cries all the time. Even when I wear her in the sling, much of the time she's crying. Mackenzie has a cleft lip and palate and has feeding problems. She hasn't even hit 6 lbs yet, at 11 weeks of age!! My son is turning 3 this weekend and refuses to potty train. My DH just got a promotion at work, which now has him leaving at 6:00 a.m. and getting home around 7:30/8 p.m. I called him earlier today and told him Makayla had been crying all day and hadn't slept at all, and that he might have to scrape me off the ground at the bottom of a cliff when he got home; he chuckled and said he had to go to a meeting and hung up....ummm, I was only half kidding!! I have no family nearby, and almost all my friends work full time or have their own kids to care for. I'm BFing Makayla and pumping for Mackenzie. I do manage to go to a BFing support group once/week - yesterday was my first time taking all 3 kids by myself, though. My mom left 2.5 weeks ago, so I've been on my own since then. Just this week I suddenly feel completely overwhelmed. I suddenly feel resentful when the babies cry and cry and cry. I can't fall asleep even once the babies finally go to sleep, b/c I'm worried about needing to hurry up and go to sleep so I can get some sleep before the next crying jag. I am so sleep deprived. Prior to this week, I had only broken down and cried twice since they came home; this week I feel like I'm on the verge of tears constantly. I just have no energy and am starting to feel apathetic.

It's so bad that I am actually THRILLED to be getting my tubes tied tomorrow - b/c I know they're going to knock me out with anesthesia, even if just for a little while, and I'll be blissfully unaware of anything!!! AND I know I'll have pain medicine to be able to take for the rest of the day to veg out and have an excuse to not take care of the babies! How pathetic is it that I am looking forward to surgery???!!!

I don't know if I've suddenly developed PPD, or if this is just sleep deprivation and normal adjustment to twins???

 

My goodness!!!!! That is ALOT to handle, I think the most sane person would be crying alot and feel very overwhelmed, you are!!!!
-Can you get ANY help, even for a few hours 1-2 times a week (thought more would be better for the short term)????
-Can dh commit to being home at a decent time 1-2 times a week (hey, desperate times call for him to step up)?
-Visit the bfing forum here to vent about any/all bfing/pumping issues/complaints
-keep an eye on how you feel for the next 1-2 weeks, and call your ob if things still don't feel "right"

BIG HUGS!!!!

 

Oh my goodness - that certainly sounds like you are perfectly reasonable to be feeling like you are going to lose it. I felt like I was going to lose it and I had help most of the time. If your husband just got a promotion is there some extra money to be able to hire a college student or mother's helper so you could at least get a few hours sleep while they were there? You are amazing to stick with the breastfeeding through all of this. What an amazing mom! Hugs to you and know that it will get better. Give it a month or two and it will get a lot easier. Hopefully your son with PT soon too - maybe with the warm weather coming you can let him run around outside without a diaper and that will speed it along. Good luck and hang in there!

 

I feel this pit in my stomach reading your post because it brought back all the memories of those first several months. I was beyond sleep-deprived, but like you, couldn't sleep because I was just anticipating someone else waking up soon. I don't know if it's PPD...but the fact that you can even joke about it is a good sign. Your circumstances are enough to make anyone cry! You've got to get some help. The ONLY thing that kept me sane was that DH was home by 4:30 in the afternoon. I could not have made it until 8 pm every night! I would be calling in all favors, and rallying the troops. It takes a village. This is temporary---it does and will get better. But in the meantime--you need HELP!

Reyna

 

Oh my goodness - you have a lot on your plate! You sound like a combination of both normal and PPD.
I agree with the earlier PP - you have to get some help. You need breaks or you will really lose it. And talk to your doctor. I think twins are enought to give anyone PPD!

 

:love0028: I am so sorry you are feeling like that, I remember feeling that way when I first came home from the hospital the first week. Because silly me insisted that I have no help because I did not want o be overwhelmed when I was alone for the first time. It was horrible I remember just breaking down cuz half the time I was so sleepy crank that I could not fuction, i didn't know what I was doing half the to=ime or what the babies should be doing. I remembr feeling like a bad mom and like mytwins wouldn't like me or didn't like me because they didn't seem happy.

You may feel like tha because your mom is gone now and you are alone,nit is an overwhelming experience. I am not to familiar with ost partum though but I know we all had that feeling of how you feel right now like we coudn't do it it wasn't made for me, or I don't even want o be around them right now.

Did u experience anything like this with your other child? I would call your doctor iwas assesed for postpartum at my six week ceckup and at the hospital before i left and at the pediatricians office at the twins first appointment. Call yor doctor just to be sure and see howthey can help you it can't hurt. and remember you always have your sisters here at TS anytime if you need us. :love0028:

 

You are SOOOOOOOOO not alone. I just told my dh that i wanna punch the next person that cries. I tried to take a nap, but the twins tag teamed me with whining.

Ok, so i won't really punch anyone, let alone a newborn infant, but this wears at you. That, I understand. He does need to step up. And if he rolls his eyes or gives a smart aleck remark about needing his own sleep because he needs to spend 14 hours at work...oh wait, we're talking about your dh, not mine, lol... ignore him. Who cares? They're sometimes willing to sacrifice our sanity, so we should be willing to sacrifice some of their sleep.

Maybe you can tell, I'm having the same kind of day? Btw, I also have one on a monitor, with meds...bells going off all day (could they MAKE that noise louder?). I am only bf'ing, but neither latch that well, so I'm really only pumping, then feeding, then washing...you get the picture. And I suffer from guilt at the thought of feeding them formula. HA!!!! That won't last too much longer!!!!

If you're around Chicago, IL, I'd love to help you! Even if not, feel free to pm me...or one day text me, call me, email me...whatever. Our babes are about the same age AND about the same amount premature.

angel

 

I can't say if it's PPD or not, but either way it sounds to me like you are utterly exhausted! I was reading your post and thinking how it would be for me if I did not have my mom or someone else who could help nearby and I think I would have hit the wall a long time ago. You really need a helping hand, don't you? If you lived near me, I would tell you to pack them all up and come over here (you aren't in Ohio are you? ) Power in numbers, right? Talk to your husband and see if when he gets home, you can go straight to bed for a couple of hours and kind of power up for the night to come and rest knowing that he is there taking care of everything for awhile. Turn on a tv in your room or some kind of white noise machine and just block it all out for a little bit. That helps me so much.

I can so relate to the potty training thing too with my almost 3 year old. We're in the midst of that too. I stop putting any kind of pants or pull up on him at all while we are in the house during the day and it has helped a lot with the training. I think it has made him more aware of when he needs to go. It may not be a good long term solution, but it is helping me big time for now Also- Can you talk to your ped and see if there is something else to try for the reflux? My oldest son went through a couple things before we found one that made a difference.

Hang in there. It has to get easier and I hope that it does soon for you. I'm going to say a prayer for you right now!

 

I am sorry you have so much going on. I don't know if it is PPD or not but I wanted to send you hugs and all the things the pp said is pretty good advice.

Damiane'

 

Please call your doc if you even suspect that it could be PPD. By what you are describing, it certainly could be.

I would probably drop the potty training for now. I am sure he can sense your stress, and it will make it more difficult to train. And that will be one less thing to worry about.

I would also call the doc if the reflux does not seem to be getting any better in a few days.

:hug99:

 

You sound like me. My husband leaves early in the morning and doesn't get home until late. On the weekends he does stuff around the house so I feel like I'm CONSTANTLY with my boys. Hang in there, you have a lot on your plate. It might help calling you OB/PCP to talking about PPD. It may or may not be. Your hormones are already crazy and to put all that on top of it, it's hard to deal with. Try to break things up, let things calm down before you worry about your 3 yo. My cousin waited until after her baby was born to potty train her son who was the same age as your ds. So if he has to use a pullup, let him for now. Getting your sanity under control is the most important. Like everyone else said try to get help. I know you said that you have no family nearby, but does you DH?

Hang in there, IT DOES GET BETTER.

 

:hug99: :hug99: :hug99: :hug99:

Oh honey, even though they're necessary, those monitors feel like they've been made in the pit of ****, designed especially for torturing parents to the point of madness.

My DD had a monitor for three weeks because (as best we can figure) she choked on breast milk. Those three weeks were the closest I came to losing my sanity. Seriously. It was so hard I couldn't even write about in here, even if I had had time. And that was just one of my twins, you're dealing with two. Our DS hated the monitor and could sense our stress, and was so stressed out he wanted to feed ALL the time, even when he wasn't hungry and would spit up afterwards. I think I cried every day DD had it on. Sometimes me and both the twins were sobbing AND the monitor was going off.

BEG someone to stay with you, I'm serious. If your DH can take vacation time or family leave, ask him to. Tell him you need it for your sanity's sake. If your sister/friend from church/anyone who's near you can stay with you even for a couple of hours, ask them to. If some of your friend with kids can bring the kids over, even, just so you can have someone with you, ask them to. If your mom can come back, ask her to.

One way I survived that time (I'm not saying you have to, if you're committed to exclusive breastmilk), was to give them some formula in the middle of the night, even letting my DH or a friend who stayed with us several nights to give it to them while I slept, and sometimes for another feeding or two a day. I was able to get my milk supply back up afterwards, when I was feeling more sane.

Hang in there. You will make it through this time. PM me if you just want to vent some more.

 

I just posted the other day and it was titled "Someone talk me down off the ledge"-I do know how you feel...I called my doctor and said I am completely overwhelmed and I cant take it anymore-before I was even done saying this he handed me a prescription for Zoloft, I never had much stress and was a pretty easy going person before these twins came along and then BAM! Way more then I could handle. It is probably a combo of sleep deprivation, having a toddler, hormones, being on your own most of the time, never getting a break-the list goes on and on, I dont know if it gets better because I am not there yet but that is what I am told.
You think looking forward to a surgery is sad, I cant wait to get to work in the mornings...it is my savig grace!
In all seriousness, call your doc and see what he/she suggests, I dont know much about PPD but I know enough to say you dont want to let it get out of control.
Also, for my babies once they got past that 8week mark they are now slightly more tolerable.
I am sorry you are feeling so down, please know that we are all here for you and have been there in one way or another, some of us are still there!

 

I know exactly how you feel......I don't think you have PPD......I think you are overwhelmed, overtired, stressed out, and at your breaking point. In the beginning I thought I was going to lose it. I had anxiety and I was SO stressed out. It is alot better now, but let me tell you when both twins are crying and my 23 month old is whining I could leave them all and just drive away. Usually I just start to cry. I go to my mom's most days because I hate being alone with all three kids all day, it's just to hard right now.

You need to get some help, let people know how you are feeling, especially DH. My DH is clueless as to how hard it is to be home with the kids all day. You need to have some time to youself too, it will make things more tolerable!

 

You have gotten some great advice here. I just wanted to add in that you are doing great and do whatever it takes to get some help!!! This very needy time is short-lived so ask, ask, ask for help!