Positive Discipline Chart

I may be trying to combine too many thoughts into one chart, so I'm looking for ideas.

1) The main problem is my son is developing an attitude. He back talks (says NO, or will say "no it doesn't", "no I won't, "yes it does"...whatever the opposite response to the warning that I give him is) It's like it's reflexive, and he can't stop it. He's also not the type to let a warning stop him with unacceptable behavior. If he's mad about something, counting to three or giving a warning will never stop him and he always lands in time out. He typically gets several time outs in a row to get the behavior or results we're looking for. I think the more negative discipline he gets, the worse he is until he finally finally snaps out of it, and then he's an angel the rest of the day. So in the end it eventually works, but I'm wondering if there is a more positive approach that would be easier on us all. The biggest problems or behaviors I would like to change with him are listening (the first, or even second (or third!) time), acting like a big boy (whines about needing help with something that he has done thousands of times by himself), and the back talking.

2) I'm also starting to think they need to start doing some chorse and following some rules. Yes, I make them pick up after themselves, usually once or twice a day. But there are things that are neverending, that I think they are old enough to handle now. Like put away what you're playing with before you take the next thing out. Stop throwing your cup, empty snack bowls in the middle of the floor. Stop walking around the house and leaving random things all over the place - in the middle of the floor and in various rooms they do not belong. They'll clean it up after I ask them over and over, but it doesn't keep them from doing it again 2 minutes later with something else.

3) Along with this, I'm thinking there are some things they should be responsible for each day. Like waking up and immediately making your bed, brushing your teeth, and getting dressed (like a big kid, and not spending 20 minutes on it while taking breaks to play with one sock on and your pants in the middle of the floor). I'm thinking they can get stickers for completing small tasks like these to teach them some responsibility. It's going to be the hardest on me, because I wake up when they do. Our routine forever has been to come down and watch tv in our jammies, giving us all a little time to wake up. Then we have breakfast, then we (eventually) get dressed and brush teeth. I don't know that any of us would be in the mood to get moving as soon as we wake up. And sometimes my daughter sleeps later than my son, and I don't want to be making extra noise right near her room if she needs more sleep. But it would be good practice for preschool in the fall, and it would be nice to be up and ready in the summer.

So how do I incorporate this into a chart? Or is it too many things and too confusing for them? And then if the back talking and some of the other behaviors that I don't like continue, what's the point of the chart? Remind them they won't get a sticker and then put them in time out anyway? Or just have the negative be that they don't get a sticker? But some of these behaviors are just not acceptable, so I don't think I could let it go. Maybe I'd have to do the time out, but hope that the chart will be enough of a positive reminder for them to listen in the first place. Just trying to think this through before I put something together.

Does anyone have something like this set up, and is it working for you? Looking forward to your input!

 

at that age I still mostly dressed them - but at 3 they can put their dirty dishes in the sink (provided they're not using the good china LOL!) help put away groceries (the canned stuff on the low shelf - definitely NOT the eggs)...clothes in the hamper, if you have pets they can feed them - if you have the food in a receptacle they can get at...we buy our cat food in 8 lb bags so the kids just dip the bowl into the food and put it on the floor - its almost to the point where I don't have to ask them, they notice when the dish is empty (sometimes)...emptying the dishwasher - they can put away plastic cups, sort forks and spoons etc...

also mine like to "help" with the laundry - they will take a basket of clothes and pick out all the clean socks, underwear etc and put them on a pile for me to fold - I have a flip down dryer door - so I'll drop the clothes on the door and let them push them into the dryer and then throw the dryer sheet on top...

since I don't make my bed I can't really expect them to make theirs so thats not a chore in my house!!

 

I agree on the bed thing, I don't make mine either! But I want to force myself to change some of my behaviors as well with this. I did great working out in the corporate world, but this SAHM thing I have not gotten down yet. After we get up I usually make my way to the computer to do some work (I do PT work from home) and then we get dressed mid day when I decide it's time to get out and do something. I feel like I need to get all of us on a better schedule.

They've been dressing themselves for almost a year now. They are capable and really only need help with buttons. They just get distracted, or they whine that they can't do it when it's really that they don't want to do it. It's not all the time, but just an example of how some days they want to act like big kids, and others they want everything done for them - which I want to start breaking them of. (Other times it's they need 'help' going potty when it really means they just want you to stand there and hand them a book or something which they are perfectly capable of getting themselves, or they want to be carried up and down the stairs). I would lay out the clothes for them and help them with anything they really need help with. But it's more about setting some expectations and setting up a routine so that when it's done on a daily basis there will be less whining because it's just what we do.

They are good at helping with things and they enjoy doing that. They're actually pretty good at folding the small towels. And they're expected to put their plates in the sink when they're done. (it's the water cups and snack bowls that I allow them to have in the living room that I often find on the floor that makes me mad). So there are things they can do and they help with, but nothing that's like a daily chore they are responsible for. Maybe they are a little young, but I'd like to try a couple things and see how they do. And I would really like to stop seeing the clutter of toys everywhere! Everywhere I step, everwhere I look, there's something that doesn't belong. I pick up after them all day long, and I'd like to start breaking them of this habit little by little if I can.

 

We don't make our beds either. I did want to start making it a habit and teach my three year old to make his, but the other day we had someone come into our house to analyze it (6 mo. old DS has severe indoor allergies). He recommended not making the bed, in fact, he said to pull the sheets and blankets all the way back. He said dust mites love and thrive in made beds as it creates a really warm environment for them. So I decided against making it a habit.

I knew there was a reason I never made my bed!

 

I really have no advice for the chart. I have many of the same issues you do and I just can't seem to think thru it straight to get a decent chart idea made up without being too complicated. I do think my three year old could definitely benefit from something like that though so I should just sit down and make one just to see how it goes.

 

There is a magnet style responsibility chart at Target. Here is a link.

It is suggested for ages 3+, but I think some of it would go over my two. But I think it's an great place to start.
I'm with you on slow mornings and picking thing up repeatedly. Part of our problem is that they aren't super on top of it at daycare, so it's harder for us to make them think about it while at home. But it's one of my pet peeves that they have all these small toys now and they are usually all over their floor for most of the day. Then when it comes time to clean up no one wants to because the mess is so huge. UGH!
(Sorry, my mini rant there!)

All that to say- I don't see the harm in trying. And actually I think I might try too. They are getting to the age where they know better what is expected of them. It might take some time and patience (which some days I sorely lack ) but I think the end result would be good. And it's setting up a good pattern for the future. I never had chores when I was younger and honestly now I wish I had. That's something I really want to change with my kids.

 

Thanks for the link! This gives me some idea of how to visualize this.

 

I bought chore charts at Lakeshore Learning (teacher store) and they are blank and I can fill in the chores for the week with a dry erase marker. I use stickers on each chore and the day they complete the chore. This allows me to adjust according to their skill level. Right now we have things like brush teeth, put toys away, clear the table at meals, help set the table, get dressed in the morning without whining and other stuff like that.

 

great ideas! I totally think that they are cabable at this age.

for toys, I think our nanny didn't help... Monday I strongly hinted that the kids needed to play with only 1 or 2 things and put them away before getting out another toy... and that they needed to clean up before going outside, or eating lunch and or nap time. and that I expected it to be clean when I got home.. after dinner... which it would be if they'd cleaned before dinner.

lo and behold it was almost as neat as when I left in the morning! so not sure how much the kids do, vs. the nanny, but I hope we can keep up with it.

I like the idea of the chore chart and have had my eye on the M&D one that was listed... it's also at Michael's and I get 40-50% off coupons there... hoping for a deal on that, hopefully the price isn't inflated.

you could also do a large poster board and sticker if you wanted, I kinda worry that the magnets will get moved...

interesting about the dust mites... I was wanting to start the kids making their beds too... ugh!

 

You could do your own charts... maybe take pictures of what you want them to do (or find pictures online and print them) and put them on top so they know what to expect.

I'm in the same boat as you really... I try and get them to pick up but it's not always easy. I usually make them do it before we do what they want to do though - for example my kids are obsessed with Danimals (yogurt smoothies, we spend way too much $$ on them every week), but they can't have one if there's still dishes or another one on their little table (that's where they snack and eat lunch). Or I'll just turn off the tv until they pick up something... but usually it's a huge mess again after a few days if I'm not constantly on their back to clean up.

For chores, they do actually help... they put their dirty clothes in the hamper (or they throw them in the basement.. we're really lazy about this but it's just more convenient than going to the hamper every time, I just pick everything up when it's time to wash them). They help with dishes (I kinda wish they didn't to be honest), they put their dishes away when they're done most of the time after dinner, they help set the table if we ask... it's a work in progress.

Mornings are the same here, except they have breakfast in front of the tv when they get up too (which I guess is a bit of a pain because I'm usually hungry later, and then they beg for more food). We get dressed usually one hour after, but it could be as soon as 20 minutes because DD is usually ready to go (and having tantrums if we don't actually go anywhere). She's always excited about getting dressed but DS couldn't care less. I honestly have the opposite problem, I wish they would relax for a couple hours in the morning before wanting to do something!

 

I just want to say that my girls were not able to get dressed in less than a half an hour until this past January. They are six going on seven.

I think you have good ideas. And it should make your family run more smoothly--I just wanted to through out there that getting dressed in a reasonable time seems to come later than mothers would like it to.