Please tell me this happens to other people!

This is a bit of a vent and I'm also a bit curious... does this happen to other people?

I have 15 month old DD's and 37 weeks pg with #3.... Our parents live close by and my mom comes over daily.. but it is usually for no more than 20 minutes and she is very critical of everything we are doing with our house or with the girls. She offers to watch the girls a lot but then seems put out every time we take her up on it- which is hardly ever (e.g., like once a month for an hour when I go to a doc appt). She used to watch the girls 1.5 days/week and we had a babysitter the other time when I was working (again.. this was her idea..and she gets angry if we don't take her up on her offer).. she usually seems really angry whenever she watches the girls.. For the most part, I am home with the girls 99% of the day.. by myself...which is no small feat being this pregnant and chasing after 2 15 month olds.

My inlaws come only for visits every other week and though we ask them to visit more they never come more frequently... then they talk about how much they miss the girls and wish they could see them more often..

I guess my issue is.. my DH and I are getting the impression recently that it is being communicated to other family and friends that we have a ton of help on a daily/weekly basis. DH works hard and long hours and I am on my own pretty much from morning until night... I have no problem with this, but I seriously am getting sick of everyone assuming that we have all of this help. I truly did think that our parents would help out a bit more when we were this far along in the pregnancy, but so far they have not. My in-laws do not help and my mom talks a lot about it, but never does... which is fine... just stop telling everyone that you are helping!!!!!!

We have done this on our own from the beginning.. I'm not asking for anyone to give us a pat on the back or anything.. I just want people to stop thinking we have this crazy amount of help. DH and I have not gone out on a date since the beginning of March. We do not ask for anything from anyone..

Okay, I'm done venting... does this happen to anyone else?

 

I'm not in a similar situation but did want to give you big :hug: s. Honestly, I think parents DO deserve a pat on the back - whether they have adequate help/support or are doing it all on their own. Raising children is hard work. Needing/wanting a break doesn't mean anything other than that you're human. :hug:

 

I totally agree with what Rachel said :hug: My mother has always said that raising children is the hardest job anyone can do. And it is tough when people promise things but then don't follow through with them (but say that they did it).

 

I'm not really in the same situation either, but I can relate to doing it all on your own. None of our family lives in the same state. The closest relative is my sister who is a 5-hour drive away. I work full time and a nanny comes to the house 4 days a week, so that is help for us, but we pay for it, and it's not like we're relaxing at all when the "help" is there. We are two busy parents and 3 days a week and every single evening we are 100% on our own. We've had a couple of friends offer to help, but we know how much work it is if you're not used to it and feel like it needs to be at least two people coming over to be manageable, so we've only done that once. We've gone out three other times in the last year and paid the nanny extra to come at night so we could attend a play, and a couple of work-related events that we'd been invited to.

I'm sorry your family isn't more helpful, but maybe try to find support from another family member or friend? Or can you try asking for help for very specific things? Maybe they see dropping in as help when you need to say something like "we need help on Thursday night from 7-10pm - is anyone free?"

 

I was in a sort of similar situation... well maybe not really. When I had my twins, I had no help. Everyone apparently assumed that my mom was helping me, but she wasn't. She always had an excuse. Eventually my Dad figured out what was going on and he came over every day he had off from work (my parents are divorced). I found that everyone says they'll help just to be polite, but honestly to get anyone over to actually help was like pulling teeth. I don't know if they were just intimidated by twins or just didn't want to or what, but it sucked!!

Now with this pregnancy I have my in-laws offering to stay with us, we live about 3 hours away from them, when I'm due and honestly I'd rather eat cut glass!! :lol: My twins aren't 15 months old, though. If they were, I'd probably suck it up and deal with the in-laws. But my kids will be in school all day, so what's the point in having the in-laws here, ya know? Plus they drive me up a wall.

I wish I had an answer for you! Maybe just flat out ask the in-laws if they want to come over and help out more often?

With your mom, do you think it's some kind of rivalry between her and the in-laws? I know it sounds silly, but my mom gets so mad if we spend, in her opinion, more time with the in-laws than with her. It's really, really annoying. Good luck!

 

A HUGE pat on the back for you. You deserve it. I don't have alot of family support and during rough time (like pregnancy) it can be incredibly fustrating to know they just can't take the time to help. I decided after having my second child that my family wasn't going to be what I expected so I took the time to create strong friendships around me. We now have a group of five of us who would drop anything to help each other. It's really important to have someone in your corner when things get hard. With my family I just accept what they offer with no resentment as I know they just aren't able to offer more. Usually we might see them once every couple of months for lunch or birthdays (They live 40mins away) I know I would never be able to tell my mother how she used to upset me, but if you are able to, go for it. Good luck finding some balance and give yourself a pat on the back every day because you are doing a great job.

 

I'm not really in your situation either but I wonder this ... well, first ... my in-laws also say they help and really don't. They have a beachhouse in the town where we live and come down often but since they aren't staying with us they aren't "helping" us. My MIL expects ME to haul all 3 of my kids over to her house ... granted it is only 15 minutes away and it is at the beach ... sometimes I would just rather she come to my house so I can have a break without having to work for it ... "work" for it as in packing up stuff for 3 kids to be away from home for part of the day. Also, she will keep the twins (they are 4) but not keen on keeping the little one (18 mos) and the little one is really the one I need more help with! My MIL wants to do the FUN things like take the twins to movies and get their nails painted while I sweat it out with the baby ... when really I would love to be able to leave her with the baby and spend fun time with my big girls ... but you know she really does help in her own ways so i am not complaining at all ... just making the point that I understand people wanting to "help" on their terms and how it is not always the best kind of help for you. Also, what I wondered was ... with the in-laws complaining about not seeing you guys enough ... seems to me they are fishing for you to come there to see them ... again, having to "work" for your help ... they must JUST not remember what it is like to haul two toddlers around with you ... it is just too much work for you, being pregnant and having two BABIES to boot to have to be hauling them around! It is frustrating ... and you know ... people may think there is NO WAY she is doing that all on her own ... and not giving you the kudos you deserve and that SUCKS because those kudos are MAJORLY deserved! My Mom would come every weekend if it wasn't for my Dad whining about her leaving him at home (he has to work on the weekends) and I also have two siblings with little kids and we are all a bit spread. But my Mom does help, as much as she can, so that I can be verrrrry thankful for! Good luck ... and good luck with #3 ... our third was born when the twins were 2.5 so a bit older than yours but it still wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! I honestly thought it was EASIER having the baby and the twins than being pregnant and having to care for the twins!

 

I would be so annoyed too! I know this runs counter to what you have said, but is it an option to actually ask your mom for MORE help? Like one afternoon a week for you to grocery shop, get your nails done, go to doctor's appts, etc? At least that way if she is bragging about all the "help" she is giving, she will actually be helping. By the way, I don't know how you are caring for twins full time while prego! you are a super mom and don't forget it!

 

Yes!
I have a similar situation in that I had/have virtually no help. I'm not pregnant but I have 2 older children besides my 16month old twins. My husband works long hours and so I do the majority of running the house , chores, and baby care.

The thing is though, both our parents live in the same town! My mother works shift work but says she will come over sometimes and doesn't always. DH's mother & father live close but their big 'contribution' is maybe coming over once a week for a few hrs. Not to offer to help but to 'see' the babies. (supposedly because we don't bring them around there enough.) This translates to me having to serve afternoon tea, entertaining them and results in me actually getting less done! They have never offered to watch the babies and seem to actually be put out if we ask them to have one of the older kids.
Do they not realise how busy we are, how much work is involved? My twins may not be newborns anymore but there is still 2 of them and the workload hasn't changed, if anything its bigger!
I was very annoyed and upset when I found out that the general assumption was that we got lots of help too!
During a conversation with a former work collegue, she mentioned that it must be a big help having them around all the time to help with the babies. I had to tell her Um.... actually we don't have any help from them, (or anyone else for that matter) their hardly ever around and that I do everything myself. She had been told that they were always over. I was so mad!
I get that everyone has their own lives but I get sooooo resentful. If you can't expect help at what has to be one of the most stressful and busy times of your life, when can you get it?!