Please talk me down!

Ladies,

I am beginning to wonder if I can really do this. Believe me, I know that most people probably have it more difficult than I do, seeing that I just have the twins... but for me this is the hardest thing I have ever done and I feel like I am losing my mind. I decided to write here because frankly, I don't have anyone really to talk to that knows what I'm going through. My husband gets tired of me complaing all the time although the one night I actually went to have some "me time" , he called and asked me to come home because he had just lost his temper at the kids for throwing their food all over the kitchen while he had gone to start the bath water. It made him so mad, probably because he had already been dealing with them for a couple hours and they do that to you!! So, I came home, gave them their bath and all the while wanted to give him the ol' "I told you so". But I didn't...

Here's the problem. They are 2 1/2 by the way, I know that is part of the problem. But the fighting, whining, disobeying, not listening is driving me INSANE!!! I mean, sometimes I just go in the closet and cry my eyes out because I can't take it any longer. Nothing works - time out, re-directing, spanking (just a swat on the bottom, over the diaper). Talking it out doesn't work, taking things away from them doesn't work. I feel like our lives are one big stress and anger ball and this is no way to be as a family!

I am a stay at home mom, so I am here with them all day and just recently we transferred them to their big kid beds from their cribs. Well that pretty much ended nap time. They will not stay in their bed, they just get out and trash their room, opening drawers and throwing clothes every where, taking books and puzzles off the shelf and throwing them all over the place. Jumping on the bed, laughing, fighting. If one starts to fall asleep, the other one is over there trying to wake them up to play. It even happens when I am playing with them - they fight over who gets to be near me, push each other off my lap when they want to be on my lap. I could go on and on and on.... I take them out as much as I can, but you probably know it's difficult to do much with twins... not impossible, but difficult... I live in Texas where it is too hot to really do anything outside during the day and there are some indoor mall play areas we go to.

I just feel so depressed and I wish I could start over. I feel like I have failed and have given them a horrible start in life because of all the chaos. I have tried to "not let it get to me" and "stay calm" and i just can't. I know that is part of the problem, maybe all of it. They see me like this and they have learned to be this way too. I'm so sad. I just want things to be better. I just need some words of encouragement.

Thank you for reading this if you have gotten this far... I value your opinions and advice - otherwise I wouldn't have turned to you all.... thank you so much.

Cindy (by the way, they start mother's day out in September, I can NOT WAIT!!!)

 

First of all, :hug: This is not an easy time!!

Addressing naptime first, have you thought about separating them for naps? My girls stopped napping right after going to big girl beds (played instead) so I put one in my room to sleep and left one in their room. I had to lay down with the one in my room until she went to sleep, but having no one to feed off of seem to be the key to them napping again. They began napping everyday after that. Even if one decided not to nap, then at least one went down for a nap while the other relaxed and didn't disturb the other. If if the one not sleeping decided to play then I didn't mind as long as they didn't disturb the other.

The other thing is I really think kids feed off of us. If they know that we are distressed or upset, then it drastically changes their moods. I think you need to put on your poker face and no matter what, no matter how upset you are or frustrated you are, don't let them see it. Keep redirecting them and keep your cool. I know it doesn't seem like it, but as they mature it will get better, but if they see they can get to you, they will continue to feed off of your emotions.

You can do this, Cindy! Just take a step back and refocus!!

 

I also wanted to say you have not failed. You are just going through a rough patch right now and it's okay to feel frustrated!! We all have been there!!

 

failure? Not on your life...dealing with the terrible twos X 2 absolutely!!! I agree with Rachel - separate them for nap...even if that means you have to lay with one till they fall asleep and transfer them back to their own bed if you need to do something in your room it will probably facilitate napping again - I've found that being overtired causes my son to be the most unpleasant child to be around! Will they still nap in the car? If so throw them in, drive till they fall asleep and then park somewhere with a book or your laptop - you'll get peace and quiet and nap time!

as far as losing your temper - I do it multiple times a day...sometimes its the ONLY thing they will listen too once mommy's had ENOUGH!

 

You are so not alone!! I often feel that I wish I could have done things differently but I always remind myself that it's not too late to change how I act and, in turn, how they act. We have some behavioral issues with my 6-year-old that started when she was 3 and we still try different tactics every now and again to see what might work. We have tried everything (I think, sometimes!) but there is always something else to try.

My twins are 2.5 also and a real challenge. My DS is in a big-time throwing phase, toys, books, and especially food...drives me crazy. I've learned from my older DD that the "no reaction, calm voice, poker face" approach does work best, so I try that with him. But I do lose it on a regular basis!

I've also found that getting out by myself, even for an hour to grocery shop, does wonders. Do you have family you can leave them with for a morning every once in a while? If not, hang on until Sep...you'll find that a brief break can make all the difference.

I have no real advice re naps... I am not a fan of that transitioning to a bed stage. But I would say to not give up. Keep working on it b/c they should nap well past this age and if you let them "outgrow" this now you'll all regret it!!

 

I just wanted to let you know that you are certainly NOT alone. Please don't ever feel like you are and you are not a failure either. I don't spank my boys but I do quite a bit of yelling (there is other disciple that I do time-outs etc. but it seems to end up with yelling). I feel bad about it and have been really trying to keep my cool. I tell myself that they are only this little for a very short time, that they aren't doing things just to get to me (although sometimes I wonder), that they are just growing and trying to get a feel for the world around them, and that when they are teenagers and when they do leave home, I will look back on my time with them, tears in my eyes and long for these days once again -- knowing this was one of if not THE happiest time of my life. Sometimes even that doesn't work, but I am trying to keep my emotions in check and it has been helping quite a bit

Hugs to you!!! :hug: Try to really savor the good times and that will help you get through the rough patches. On especially difficult days I like to sneak into the boys' room and just watch them sleep. They a SUCH angels when they are sleeping

Oh and another thing is to take time for yourself. Sounds like you'll get that soon with Mother's day out! You'll feel SO much better. I am always surprised at how and afternoon away can make feel feel SO much better.

Take Care!

 

I agree with what everyone else has said. Do not feel like a failure or that you are alone. I am not a stay at home mom, I work full time and by the end of a long weekend I feel exactly the same way. And that is only a weekend, so I can imagine how you feel. (Mine are also 2 years 2 mos) It would be wonderful if we could all keep our cool and talk calmly all the time, but thats really not realistic. There is only so much you can take and everyone has a breaking point.
The only other suggestion outside of what others have suggested, is separate activities. What if you had some structured activities, like one time per day? And each was in something different, then have them trade after a while. A good friend's advice to me was to separate them in playing and activities. Of course, that is a lot of work and I haven't tried it yet, but maybe it will help.

Hang in there! Try to get some time to yourself.

 

Ok, so let me first say, you are going to be fine, your kids are going to be fine, it's just that this is a REALLY hard job, and DH's that aren't much help makes things worse.
That being said, maybe consider going back to cribs and revoking some of the freedoms that allow them to get into so much trouble would help? They need to understand that destructive behaviours result in loss of freedom, somehow, though how that could be accomplished I don't know... it's an individual thing
Also, maybe look into the program "Talking to Toddlers"... it's a audio series I found online that teaches parents ways of using suggestion techniques (like those used by sales people) to get kids to do what we want them to without fights or power struggles. Some of the suggestions I found there were VERY helpful with my strong willed DD, Hannah. And it's an easy series to listen to, about 10 minutes per day for about 2 weeks. I really recommend it. It doesn't replace discipline, but it reduced the number of times DD needed discipline by a great amount.

 

I agree with PP's...you are not a failure at all Momma! This is a trying age and as my mother tells me, they are feeling their oats. As hard as it is to not give them the desired reaction for bad behavior, I do try to be emotionless as possible when they are acting up because I noticed when I don't have an emotional reaction, they seem to settle down. It's no fun if you are not getting to Mommy. However, it is hard to do and yesterday I lost my temper with DD when she threw her stuffed doggie at me and also when she walked up and bit DH and then said, "I eat you up, Daddy."
I would also see if there is anyway you can separate them at nap time. I know once my DD realized she could get out of her bed, I had a couple of weeks of poor naps with her because she was running around the room, rooting through drawers, etc. I found (thanks to a suggestion from a Mom on TS) that sitting in her room quietly for a set amount of time, helped her start to settle on her own for sleep and not play around so much. She did start napping again.
My twins are 2.5 also and most days feel like a marathon! I agree with also getting out when you can for some alone time. My DH and I work out a schedule, where we both can do this a couple of times a week (usually so we could go to the gym) and it does help to have a break from the house for an hour or so.
Hang in there, Momma :grouphug:

 

I could have written 80% of that third paragraph. The transition from cribs to beds has made my already hard to handle twins nearly impossible. Of course, I just had another baby and moved across the country, so that didn't help matters.

I'm right there with you.

The only suggestion I have is to take everything out of the room. We clean up all the toys every night and put them in tubs in the closet. I've also put both of their little dressers in the closet, so at bed time it's only the mattresses, their blankets, and their lovies. Of course, that leaves them only with each other--which can lead to more fighting.

 

2.5 must be the "magical" age because I completely understand what you said. (Except for the beds, we have not done that yet.) I am not a SAHM but am off for the summer until school starts back in August.

I really don't know what to add to the other's responses, except to repeat that you're definitely not alone. In fact, reading this thread made me feel better myself because I've been having a lot of "those" days lately. The other night I lost my temper and yelled because one of my girls just would not stop whining. It had seriously been going on for a few hours. I ended up in the bedroom crying and saying the exact same things you are, feeling like I had somehow failed miserably and it was never going to get better. I think we all have those moments. We are definitely in the midst of the terrible twos and it is HARD. I too feel like nothing works to stop the yelling, fighting, biting, etc.

I hope that seeing you're not alone helps. I agree with the car thing, I have put my girls in the car before when I know they are tired and just won't go to sleep. I usually go to Sonic and get myself ice cream lol. I drive till they fall asleep and then come home and slip them into bed.

 

:hug: You are certainly not a failure. Two 2 year olds are very trying. I agree with taking everything out of their rooms except for the beds or separating them for naps. You need a break and so do they, so even if they don't nap, they should do quiet time. Are you able to get out of the house sans-kids on a regular basis? Even if you just take a walk when your DH gets home from work, recharging your batteries is necessary.

Another thing I did to try to feel more 'in control' was read 1-2-3 Magic (I got it from the library). I am not the best at using all the priciples of this book, but it does have some good ideas and lots of people on this board have had good success with it.

:hug:

 

My two were bad right at 2.5 it was about 6 weeks and then boom it stopped. They just sort of matured more. My one daughter who was difficult is just so wonderful right now and has been for months --- I am really enjoying her. For me I asked a mom who had kids similar to mine and who I thought was similar to me as a parent. She said she was really tough and strict. I researched the 1-2-3 magic and used it somewhat. I also tried to offer more CHOICES as someone on here mentioned. Choice of seat, bib, spoon, fork, plate, book to read, where to sit to read, pants, shoes, .... everything. Get down to their level and have them look at you if you are disciplining them. More time out for mom, good chocolate, good glass of wine (not too much). I think mostly it was just time, they grew up. I found when they got easier I lightened up more.

oh and my friend said to never expect your dh to admit what you do is hard. He had the twins for 6 weeks and he barely admitted it was hard. hehe But take some more time out to go grocery shopping alone and regroup. Being a SAHM can drive you squirrly sometimes. The days are so long, so busy but somehow are so boring too.

Other ideas to really try. Read to them during the day. Often I found reading to them calmed them down and after they were willing to play on their own. Get them outside when you can even for an hour or two. Maybe a bath during the day might be entertaining and ease up the evening rush plus get them ready for a nap.

Say no to mommy guilt. All our kids will end up in therapy soon or later and it is ALWAYS the mother's fault -hehe I've just accepted this fact. Plus so many wonderful parents have kids who grow up into poor adults -- so I figured I'd be less than perfect with the hopes of some kids who might be a bit more resourceful.

Heather

 

Thanks momma for writing it down!! If Thomas would stop being a terror for more than the 10 minutes, I would have written a similar story I FEEL your pain.

One offer of advice I can give to you is this; I had an issue with sleep when we transitioned into the toddler beds too. The thing that worked best was standing sentinel by the door of their room and just watching them until they fell asleep. This did last about 2 weeks before I could walk away and check back every few minutes and they stayed. Unfortunately we did have to put a gate on their door for nighttime. They tried to get out many a night, basically they just need to know the rules and keep to it.

Good Luck and again Thanks!

 

I could have written your post. Mine are about to be 3. My husband and I just had a fight the other day at how he is tired of my "Dear God when are you going to be home" calls. He is an MD and is hardly ever home. Lucky for me, we can afford babysitters but I feel like trying to find someone I trust who can come a lot is just one more thing on my to-do list and honestly when I do leave them with a sitter I totally "pay" for it later ... clingy and whiny and won't let me out of their sight. I also have a 5 month old who is nursing and I can barely handle the 3 myself so don't feel comfortable leaving a sitter with all 3 (would feel too bad for the sitter =)so it still would not be a "break" for me b/c I would have the baby.

Anyway, I just keep hoping that this will pass. I am trying to potty train so they can go to pre-school and that is why I am on here now ... because we have had 3 times more piddles on the floor than in the potty and it is just one more thing I am losing my mind about!

I am just so frustrated with my twins (and my baby who was an angel baby is in a really fussy stage right now too) that I could curl up on the couch and cry daily. I wish I could help but I don't know what to do either. Getting out of the house does help but is so, so hard for me now between the baby's nap schedule, the twins pee'ing everywhere ... it just isn't do-able. Well, sorry to be a downer ... I guess misery loves company ... hang in there ... and I will too =)

 

... one more thing ... same deal with naps ... TRASH their room ... would tick me off SO, SO bad ... sometimes after 2 hours of running around screaming and trashing their room I ran in there (after several times of trying to get them to go to sleep) I busted in there and screamed at them "GET BACK IN YOUR BEDS ... GO TO SLEEP ... YOU ARE MAKING MOMMY MISERABLE!!!!!! I live my whole life to make you happy and you are making me MISTERABLE ... do you WANT to make Mommy MISERABLE .. IS THAT WHAT YOU WAAAANNNNT?!?!?!? I HATE the way you are acting ..." yada yada ... then I went in my room and cried that I had lost it so bad and called my Mom and confessed to my bad Mom of the year behavior and to this day I still beat myself up about that time and the several others that are just unacceptable ...

Anyway, so we did not split up rooms but I did take everything out ... as others have said ... no more diapers in their room, only a few books and their beds and that is all. It does help.

 

I would have written your post...I could have...and I HAVE written that post. One too many times! You my dear, are NOT a failure. Look at those amazingly beautiful children and know that you are not!

Every.single.day I think I am a bad mother-for whatever reason. I yell. A lot. And it bothers me no end. I can't take the constant whining, the crying, the fighting, the disobeying. It drives me bonkers. I try to leave the house with the three of them and do fun things, and sometimes it bites me in the ____. I can only imagine what my neighbors think of my yelling. It's that bad.

So-not a whole lot of advice-as I've been there, and I'm there on a regular basis. This isn't how I envisioned me being a parent(not to hijack the thread). But it makes it that much harder on me, when everyone tells me what a wonderful mother I am and how wonderfully behaved the kids are, and how I do such awesome things with them. I certainly don't feel that way. And I don't do those great things with them on a daily basis. So for me, I think everyone that thinks I am such a wonderful mother, that's hard for me to hear, because I certainly don't feel that way-and those people don't know what it's like inside these four walls every.single.day.

All in all-I'm here if you want to talk! :hug: You are NOT alone-and you are most certainly not a failure-and those precious kids will not remember this time in their life of the trashing of their rooms, the yelling, etc. Take deep breaths and just know-tomorrow is a new day. :hug:

 

It must be the 1/2 year marks honestly. My kids are monsters! We are 3 1/2 and just finished the worst weekend of our lives with the twins. Both my husband and I were struggling to keep it together, you are not alone. We are not enjoying our kids right now at all. Well it's really just one who is constantly provoking us, bothering brother, trying to get that negative reaction and laughing when he gets it. Don't want you to think it's bad all the time, we've just hit a big rough patch. I think seperating them for naps would be good for you!

 

I used to come to the twinstuff forum all the time when I was pregnant with my girls, and am just starting to get back into it.
I saw your post and feel for you. I stay at home with twin girls who will be 3 in November and my son who just turned 5. I feel so bad because most days are miserable and I'm not really enjoying staying home with them. It's what I've always wanted to do and know I would regret if I decided to go and get a job(haven't worked since my son was born), so I'm going to stick with it. My mom felt bad that I was having a tough time, so she offered to take a few days off work so I could really work on getting the girls to listen. She was there to basically take care of the "good kids" while I disciplined the naught one and to just reinforce what I should be punishing them for. It's so easy to let them get away with stuff when you have a million other things to take care of. Well, I was skeptical, but we made progress and it really only took one day. For about 2 hours, I would alternate telling one of the girls to come to me, and if they didn't listen, they went straight to time out, then I would ask them if they wanted to try again. It would work for a few times, then they would go back to not listening, which sent them right back to time out. I did this for about 2 hours straight(that's how long it took them to figure out I meant business) and ever since they've listened so much better. I have been very consistent ever since and will give them time outs at the park or where ever we are if they don't listen. There are still plenty of things they do that drive me nuts, but I feel so much more confident taking them out. We actually had a really fun day today, not something I say a whole lot. I love them to pieces, but I think everything seems so much more exaggerated after spending all day with them. Hope things are going better, there are definitely good days and bad.

 

Ok ... sorry to be a frequent flier on your post! BUT, I tried something new today and maybe it could help you. Threats, time-outs and yelling were doing nothing over here except making us all more upset (I have the sensitive little kids who, even when you say "no sweetheart ... please don't throw the sand it might get in your eyes" in a super nice way ... they still lost it and cry.) I decided to make a reward chart ... mostly because of the potty training thing but thought, hey, while I am at it maybe I will put a few behaviors I would like to correct on this chart. Well, they get a little gold star sticker for each time they sit on the potty, each time they share nicely, each time they help me clean up toys, and each time they calm down when they are throwing a fit ... You know, knock on wood, it worked pretty well today! If they have 10 stars by the time we "count stars" which I have decided is after supper then they get a little prize (candy, small trinket, lipgloss, nail polish, little figurine, marble, tatoo ... whatever) out of our "treat bag." I got a bunch of stuff and put it in a bag where they can see it (can see the bag but not what is in it) and be reminded of it but they can't have it until all the stars are counted ... and if they don't have enough by time to count stars then they can try to sit potty or help me clean toys (two things that ALWAYS need doing around here) and get the chance to earn enough to get their trinket. I am going to do this until they learn potty and then maybe buy a new chart with new rules for behavior (and omit the potty star.) Maybe instead of daily ... do a thing where if they get enough stars by Friday then we do something special like ice cream trip or go buy a new critter for their dollhouse or whatever ... so I am not spending a bunch of money on the daily trinket and not accumulating an obscene amount of trinket-y stuff! Anyway, they seemed proud of their charts ... I made them their favorite colors and let them put the little stars on all by themselves and maybe this positive reinforcement type thing will work and we can start to save punishments (like time-outs) for worse "crimes" like hitting rather than just behavioral things like throwing fits or not sharing ...

Anyway, hope you had a better day today!!! Feel free to pm me anytime you need to vent!

 

Thank you so much for posting this. I have been feeling like this a lot lately. I am so frustrated with the misbehavior, fighting, whining, biting, throwing food, throwing everything, etc.... I also have been feeling like a failure. I can't rely on DH for help as he works evenings and is not very patient. You are doing a great job, and are totally entitled to get frustrated. It is so much harder raising two 2 year olds than one. I don't have anything to add everyone has given you great advice. Hang in there!!!

Jen

 

Ugh, I could have written this post! We have been potty training for four months now and it has increased my stress level 1000%. The boys are impossible right now. They whine and cry and scream about freakin' everything! I am so happy when they go to preschool because I can just hang out with my 15 month old girl. Sometimes I let them nap for three hours in the afternoon just so I can get a break, even though I know that means they will have trouble falling asleep at night. I cry several times a day because I don't know what to do. I work 20 hours a week but I hate my job too so it is no help. Just wanted you to know you are not alone!

 

Yes I agree. Potty training just added to what was already a tough situation. I recently brought back in behavior reward charts and that seems to be helping because we've hit a rough patch as well. Maybe that would help?