Playgroups - Do you ask for help?

Friday I went to playgroup and I ended up leaving a little upset. It just seemed like things were particularly hard and I felt like I had no help. Getting them in to the house from the car was tricky but I managed to get them both in at one time without leaving a baby behind by putting one in a bjorn and carrying the other on my hip, while also carrying diaper bag and a blanket. When I got inside the room was crowded and there was very little space to sit. I felt like I had no room to lay them out and no one offered to move over and make space for me. When I left I didn't know how I was going to get them back to the car and into the carseats at one time, so I made two trips. I felt terrible when I did this and I will never leave a baby in the car outside alone again. I felt bad because everyone just carried on with their conversations, said goodbye to me, and no one offered to help me. Later on my friend who was hosting it said she was really sorry she didn't offer to help. This made me feel better but I also think I should probably start asking people for help when I need it. I never want to ask at playgroups because people are always so into their own "one" baby, but for my babies' sake maybe I should start asking. It's funny because I also go to moms of multiples playdates and everyone helps with everyone's babies. You never have to ask, there are just tons of willing hands and everyone there has two babies!

 

This is one of the reasons I don't go to playgroups. The other is avoiding sickness which is working so far.

Maybe you could ask them to help you get them in the car if you come there again. Seems like they are willing. I think its harder for mothers of singletons to understand dealing with twins. I know, cauz I was one

 

Sounds like you need to either stick to the moms of multiples playgroup or breakdown and ask for help. I am the SAME WAY! I hate to ask for help and would rather do it myself. My family has nicknamed me "Miss Independent" because I just do everything myself. BUT...it sounds like you had a tough time. I can understand your frustration. None of my friends have twins and it's hard to get a helping hand when I'm around most of them. Do whatever will make you the most comfortable. If you don't want to ask for help, maybe avoid the playgroup so you don't get upset. Not worth it when you have those two cuties smiling back at you!

 

I have always found a way to do it myself, another Miss Independent here. I think your two examples show lack of understanding not necessarily lack of compassion. The mom's with one baby don't think to offer because they know they are ok with their child, the mom's with multiple babies know they appreciate the help and therefore offer. If you are at the playgroup with singletons and there is someone available to help when you need it then I would just ask. Chances are it will be like a lightbulb after the fact (similar to your friend), just something that didn't cross their mind not something they intentionally ignored. If I was to continue to go to this particular group then I would probably try to be one of the first there, since you have a system for getting them in and get all set up before the majority of the crowd comes. When the rest arrive you can offer to help/shift positions and hopefully the light will dawn!

 

Wow, I almost could have written this exact post. I go to a playgroup where I am the only mom of twins. It is also crowded often and of course with two babies you need even more room. I also just starting transporting them one on my hip and one in the Bjorn.

I've had to swallow my pride a few times and ask a mom to keep an eye on one of my girls so I could get a snack or change a diaper. It is humbling to ask for help, but other moms have always been more than willing.

A lot of those moms are probably in awe of you and how you handle two - even if they're not telling that to you. I've also noticed the moms are so focused on their own babies that they don't think of offering to help. I think that may change as the babies get older as one of the functions of a playgroup is to help kids learn to play together. Your twins will already have a huge jump on that and other moms will be more interested in having their babies interact w/ others.

I feel your pain but I still find myself going to my playgroup each week b/c in the end I hope the friendships my girls and I develop with make it worth it. And when those moms of one someday have another baby they'll quickly discover some of the challenges we face.

 

I used to go to a playgroup but similar situations happened to me so I stopped going ......It wasn't worth the hassle in the end. A few weeks ago I was walking into the doctors office with two kids and a diaper bag and this women in front of me wouldn't even hold the door open......When I got inside I was soooo irritated. I feel like I have always been a very courteous person even before I had twins.....some people just need some manners.

 

I feel so sorry for you guys!!! How big are your play groups? Mine is AWESOME!! People totally offer to help!!! There are 5 ladies all with single babies. When they see me pull up, they come out and help bring in the babies and help take them out at the end. They are always saying, I don't know how you do it with two babies. I tend to also do things on my own, but now they are getting so big, I have to start asking for help. GOOD LUCK!
Melissa

 

This is why I stopped playdates. Very early on I did one and it was too stressful for me. The other mom I was with offered to help me without me even asking, but I actually felt bad because she was busy with her own two kids (she has a toddler and then a baby the same age as my twins). So after that we just socialized without the babies. I think we both realized it was too stressful. Maybe you should stick to the multiples playgroup. That sounds awesome, I wish we had something like that around here.

Mona

 

Was this your first playgroup experience? Playgroups can be overwhelming with a singleton and/or twins. I doubt that the other moms were intentionally inconsiderate- I bet you just look like you have it all under control. They are moms too & I'm sure they would help if you asked. There is NO shame in asking for help.
I have been in my playgroup for almost 3 years & it's an invaluable part of my life. Whether they are twin moms or not, your babies are roughly the same age. You guys can still learn from each other. Give 'em another shot!
Good luck,

 

I think it is a lack of understanding. I've been with this group of women since the babies were all about 4 weeks old. I've formed friendships with many of them and get together with them socially during the week. It's just funny that I never get an offer to help. I get a lot of compliments, along the lines of, I don't know how you do it with two babies, but what they don't understand is that I don't know how I do it either! I'm not superwoman, and it is hard for me.

I'd like to continue with this playgroup. I'm just going to need to ask for help if I need it. And, I'm going to need to show up early like the pp suggested. Friday we ended up going late because my girls had a late nap. In the future, if it's late, we won't go. It is a large group and there are usually about 15 women that go. That's a lot of women and babies on the floor by the time everyone shows up.

I wish I could keep our playdates to moms of multiples, but they only happen about once a month, and I'd like to keep up contact with this group.

 

Hmmm...
that doesn´t sound nice at all.

In my playgroup I made a totally different experience. It´s a playgroup from church I used to visit with my younger daughter during pregnancy, it´s only 9 women, 7 of them having been pregnant in the last months and now there with their little ones.

The playgroup is led by two old ladies, and with my twins I feel like I´m the star of the group

Evertime we enter the room, one of the ladies comes and picks my boys, and off they go.

I´m hands free and can chat with the other mummies

I normally love being "Miss Independence", as Dianne called it, but in my playgroup it´s like family.

 

Could you call one of the women you feel particularly close to and say something along the lines of, "You know, as my two are getting older, it's getting more difficult for me to make it out the door carrying both of them. If I leave before you, would you mind helping me by carrying one while your babe stays with Suzy Some Other Mom." I think by making these kind of arrangements ahead of time will make things more relaxed for you and not feel like you're scrambling or getting irritated that no one is offering all while trying to gather your things and your girls and getting out the door. Good for you for sticking with it!

 

Ditto I find the opposite situation. Everyone wants to help me and is looking out for my boys even if I dont ask. I just went to a playdate indoor playgroup with my trio and had lots of other moms of 1-2 kids making sure my boys were ok. I think you need to ask for help. You cannot get to the playgroup with a stroller? I had to ASK for the hidden elevator to there when my boys were infants.

 

I was going to say everyone at ours will help, but we all have twins. I did it on my own once and it was hard, but it gets easier!!

I absolutely think you should ask for help when you need it! Don't be shy, most people are HAPPY to be helpful!

Try it again!

 

I have found at twins' club playdates, everyone helps. It is great and I never have to worry.

But I have a group of gals I get together with fairly regularly and it is every mom to herself. I dread getting together because it is so much work, but I force myself to go since I enjoy the adult interaction. One time over the summer, we were all playing with the kids outside and all the moms went inside to change their kids. Well mine couldn't walk yet and I was struggling to get sand washed off their bodies, get them undressed, and carry them both inside. By the time I got inside all the other kids were already changed and having a snack. They asked, "Where did you go?" HELLO!!!! I cried when I got in the car to go home.

 

My playgroup is twin moms only - so we all ahve the challenge of dealing with 2 babies, and even we offer help to each other.

My question is why didn't you ask for help? I'm sure that someone would have helped out if you had asked. Sometimes you gotta ask for what you want and not expect people to figure out what you need. Oh well, that's what my hubby always says to me ;-)

Cheers,

Teri D

 

Wow, it sounds like you're handling a lot. I sympathise with the challenge of getting the two out/back to the car. I often use a hip hugger for one and carry the other while my 3 year old walks beside me. Often I'm leaving one or two in the car as I run back to the door to grab the 3rd (right in front of the house where I can see them!). It sounds like your playgroup is a bit big. The group of moms I met with my first daughter still keep in contact and get together (10 of us) but in smaller groups now, esp. since many of us are on our 2nd (or 2 and 3 in my case)babies. Maybe you can set up a playday with 2 or 3 of the moms you are closer to and explain that you're finding the big group too much. Save the large groups for a moms night out when you can really socialize. We get out as a group about once every couple of months. You might find that there are other moms feeling the same way with just the one baby.

Good luck,
Sharon

 

I thought of that myself - they are probably feeling pretty overwhelmed with watching just their one baby. It seems so silly to me to think that one baby could be hard. I would never say that to any mom of one, but does anyone else think that too? Does it seem strange to you that one baby can be hard?

Also, do you think it would be rude to bring a stroller into someone else's front hallway? I thought of pushing them in a stroller to get them from the car to the house (and back) but I didn't want to push my stroller into someone else's house. They may be picky about that. I wouldn't mind leaving it by the front door but then I would have to deal with the whole leaving the baby outside alone thing.

 

quote:
Originally posted by kristie75:
Does it seem strange to you that one baby can be hard?




I actually think that my first dear daughter was harder than handling the four I have now.

Sometimes I wish I had been that calm and relaxed when she was little..

And yes, I also think first children are the hardest. When I look at my poor friend now having her first child - she´s more worn out than I am with the twins

 

I too found it harder with my first. I think you're right - all first time moms find it hard whether it's one, two or more (gulp!). By all means push your stroller into their hallway! Once the babies are out, fold it up and no problem. Now that you mention it, I used to put my older daughter into the stroller to get to people's houses, esp. if they were in an apartment. I think back now and wonder why I did it. Do whatever you need to do to make it easier for yourself. I think the stroller is a great solution.