Playdate Dilemma

A few months back we started having playdates with a little boy in our neighborhood. He is about 6 months younger than ours, but the kids always got along and played well. The mom and I also get along well. The problem is the last couple of times we have been over, the little boy has gotten very agressive, especially with Sofia. Yesterday in a span of 45 min he pulled her hair several times, hit her several times, stuck his finger in her mouth and scratched her, hit her on the head with a plastic toy and bit her hand. The mom is very responsive and tells him no and takes him away from the situation, but as soon as she lets him loose he goes back to the same type of behavior. He is only 18 months old, so I know that it is hard to discipline at that age. I would love to give her some advice on how to handle his behavor, because honestly what she is doing isn't working, but I have no experience with this so I have no clue what to tell her. Also, should I stop taking them over until his behavior improves?

TIA!

 

I wouldn't take them back over till her gets over the behavior. The last thing you need is for your 2 to start doing it because they have seen him do it even if he did get in trouble for it.

 

Trish, that's a tough situation. TabbieSue has a point, Ryan and Sofia might start doing it too. He's displaying developmentally appropriate behaviors. Maybe suggest 1-2-3 Magic and set up a place at both houses that he can have a 1.5 min. timeout and just keep doing it till he gets the point. She has to be on board. Maybe if he gets three time outs it's time to end the playdate..... just a thought. He might not totally understand, but he will not like that he's being taken away from the situation and eventually MIGHT put 2 and 2 together!

 

Trish, it sounds like what she is doing is appropriate discipline . At 18 months they are not really getting cause/effect, so even a time out isn't going to really change his behavior. At that age what it does is disconnect him from the behavior, in the hope that the distraction is enough to help him forget about what he was doing. I think the best idea is to just cut it short if he is getting out of hand--he is probably getting tired, and ready for a nap. Loosing his playmates would probably have the best effect.

 

QUOTE(sharongl @ Apr 5 2007, 12:41 PM) [snapback]207456[/snapback]
Trish, it sounds like what she is doing is appropriate discipline . At 18 months they are not really getting cause/effect, so even a time out isn't going to really change his behavior. At that age what it does is disconnect him from the behavior, in the hope that the distraction is enough to help him forget about what he was doing. I think the best idea is to just cut it short if he is getting out of hand--he is probably getting tired, and ready for a nap. Loosing his playmates would probably have the best effect.


I agree with Sharon. It sounds like the mom is being repsonsive when her son does start to act up. I like the idea of cutting the playdate short. Another suggestion if weather permits is to maybe have a playdate at the park or somewhere other than one of your houses so the kids can run and you aren't on the other's "terroritory," not wanting to share their toys, etc..

Good luck!

 

I, also, agree with Sharon. At 18 months, distraction from the situation is usually the only thing that works. I would suggest skipping a week. One thing I have learned is that EVERYTHING is a phase - he may outgrow the behaviour over the 2 week period.

Holly

 

I agree with cutting the playdates short or trying to get together outside if weather permits (since there would be less sharing of toys!).

It's sounds like a typical phase for an 18 month old and if the mom is being responsive, then I wouldn't give her advice on how to handle it. It sounds like she's being as proactive as possible with an 18 month old, and I think giving her any advice might come across the wrong way. It would be different if she was sitting back & letting it happen.

Just my 2 cents

 

This is a topic that is near and dear to my heart right now, Kyle is having his aggressive playground incidents again and now it is not just outside playground but has now started happening during inside playground. I am doing everything I can to correct the behavior, everything I can possibly think of and nothing is working. I don't think having him sit out from playground totally would work (I am equating to not having the playdate at all) because we obviously want our children to succeed and know right and wrong. How will we know if they are improving if we don't continue to give them the opportunity? I agree with cutting the playdate short but I don't agree with cancelling all together. I also don't go along with the idea that your children will start doing it because they see him doing it. Yes, they are experiencing him eliciting poor behavior but they are also seeing the consequences and while that may not seem like anything right now, I assure you they are absorbing.

Anyway, I feel for the mom I totally do because it is just soo frustrating knowing you are doing everything you can possibly think of and nothing is working. Kyle has spent every evening this week in his room except to eat dinner, he completely 'gets' it when we talk about it but then he gets to school and it happens again!, next week he will lose privileges in the morning too. Makes me sadder than I can even express but hopefully something will work!

 

Are your playdates at the same time everytime...I ask because I wonder if he is needing a quiet time or a nap. I know my DS gets much more aggressive, even at 30months, when he needs a nap, food, or just some more structured quiet time.

JAT...good luck

 

I was listening to a day care provider talk about this on a podcast I listen to and her advice was.

She can try is to change her initial reaction. Her son is getting attention when he does this even if it is negative attention. The advice is to fight your initial reaction of comfronting the aggressor and instead the first reaction should be to comfort the victim. Go to the vicitim and say "I am so sorry my son hit you, that is NOT okay." Then focus on the the agressor by removing him from the situation and distracting with something else.

She also said this is normal developmental behavior and you do have to watch children going through aggressive phases and try to be proactive and stop the action before it happens. She said she can usually tell when something may upset an aggressive child and she usually deploys a distraction strategy when she thinks something might happen. This way you stop the behavior before it happens.

I can try to find a link to the episode, I really liked her advice.

 

I think this is the one. It is from ManicMommies.com and was from the 2/4/2007 podcast listed in the archives.

http://media.libsyn.com/media/manicmommies/MM-55.mp3

 

That's a toughie. I agree that the discipline is good but needs sto progress. If he keeps going back to that behavior the play date needs to stop. He may understand that consequence although cause effect at 18 months is not really there. I may skip a few play dates to see if it gets better. I would be afraid of my kids picking up that behavior.