Parenting style...

Just about every time family comes to visit I get questioned about the babies - usually by Grandmas, Aunts - older people. Mostly they're just curious, but it does make me realize how different I do things compared to what they're used to. Examples:

"They take 3 naps a day?!"
I now sometimes say 2.5, and explain the last is hit or miss and usually a 30-40 minute catnap. But is needed to get them to bedtime happily.

"You're putting them down for a nap this late? Won't they be up all night then?"
Their bedtime is between 8-8:30, so yes, they need a nap at 5:30. And if I thought they weren't going to bed for me at night, don't you think I would have caught on in 7 months and made a change by now? And it's not like they're saying this because they are expecting a 6-7pm bedtime. I think they think even 8 is a little early. Did parents happily keep their babies up 4-5 hours at a stretch back then?

"Why don't you give them juice or water, aren't they thirsty?"
They do fine on their 32 oz of formula a day. I don't need them filling up on other stuff, and I like the idea of not getting them hooked on sweetstuff just yet. But then this questioning makes me second guess myself...am I supposed to be giving them water regularly? I give it to them to play with in their sippy cups, but they hardly drink any.

"Are they feeding themself yet?"
Um, no. The occasional puff, but do 7 month olds regularly spoonfeed themselves? Same with bottleholding. I feel we are behind. But when you have two to feed at the same time, it doesn't give you a free hand to try to teach.

I tried putting them down for their third nap when company was here. It was a little beyond their wake time limit, and they were overstimulated. So my son cried and cried in his crib. Everyone looked so uncomfortable. "Shouldn't you go get him? Maybe he's just not ready yet."
He's more than ready, that's the problem. And you never let your baby cry for a couple minutes to see if they calm themself down? I got him after 3 minutes, because I felt like they thought I was being so mean. And they think it's weird that I just put them down for a nap without a bottle or some calming routine or something first. I thought this was a GOOD thing?

Most often people come to see them between 6 and 8 pm. Not their happiest moments. We manage, and I like their schedule this way. They are not fussy enough for me to want to mess with it. But when people are around, if they're overstimulated and boycotting their third nap, then they are crabby. And people are throwing out all sorts of advice. I feel like they think I'm clueless or something. I swear they are happy all day long, but people don't see them then.

There are so many other things, but I am blanking at the moment. Were things done that differently back then, or are things this different with raising multiples? Maybe because we try to find a routine and are very scheduled and are constantly reading about what to do? And they never had to read up on stuff, they just did what they learned from their moms? I don't know. It's just annoying sometimes.

 

:hug:
I think it is a generation thing, there are many things my Mom did when she was raising us that I did not do today. I think they want to help and really don't mean harm behind the comments and suggestions. You know your babies best and what works for them! You are doing great, Momma!

 

I agree...generation gap...can't count the times my MIL has said how they sure have changed how things are done over the last 30 years. After of course commenting on how I am doing one thing or another...which obviously in her book, I am doing it wrong.

Dianna

 

Oh I hear you. Mine are a couple months younger than yours, but a lot of the points you're making are so familiar. Ours have the same bedtime as yours, so the 5 or 5.30 nap is vital. They usually sleep through the night as well, so what would be the point in putting them down earlier if what we are doing already works?

Another favourite of mine is from the MIL "Oh when my son was a baby I would have him in a tshirt and a diaper all day long and he never got sick". Congratulations to you, but I happen to feel the back of my babies' necks and if they feel cold I put something on them to make them warmer. If I ever need to get my babies ready for the naked baby winter olympics, I'll be sure to come to you for training advice.

We've also had the "just give them some water" argument here as well. Thats what my mother did (close to 30 years ago with me!) so it must be right. And, she never read any books on babies, she just did what she felt was right. Well, whoops and sorry for all that fancy booklearning stuff, and shame on me for being informed.

I've had the same comments from the MIL about the schedule. She thinks its amazing that mine have one, but then I get the impression she thinks I am a schedule natzi for making sure my babies have their naps at the right times and have their bottles at the same times.

At the end of the day though, yeah, I do think there is a generation gap, but there is something very different about raising single babies vs twins. With twins you really have to run a tight ship, especially if you are the primary caregiver during the day. I think it is hard for other people to comprehend just what looking after 2 babies by yourself entails.

Everyone has an opinion about how you should raise your babies, but they are YOUR babies, and its up to you.

 

Yes, I think a lot of things used to be done differently. Someone (older) who babysat told me that when her kids were babies (her kids are my age) that they tried to keep the baby awake all day so that she'd sleep at night.

 

We do just about the EXACT same thing you do right now [although mine eat about 40 oz each/day]. They take 2.5 naps a day [finally on a 2-hr feeding schedule]. The .5 nap is in the evening and sometimes they take it and sometimes they don't. If they get tired and cranky we just let them relax for about 20-40 mins between 5pm and 7pm. Bedtime is between 8:30-9.

We had company over for Halloween [and DH's birthday on the 1st so we could go out] and I posted their schedule on the wall in the kitchen and NO ONE followed it. I tried not to seem like the nagging "do this do that" kind of mother, but I know my babies best. The girls would start to freak out and everyone's like.. hmmm "What's the matter hun? Why are you so cranky?!" and I'm like.. "Dude, she just needs to take a nap, she's tired and cranky.." I don't think anyone even glanced at the schedule.. it makes me a little nervous at times. But all you can do is ask politely. I mean, they are just trying to help.

Also, people are asking me now if my girls are holding their own bottles.. and "I've heard that most babies hold their bottles by the age of 3 months"

Yada yada, I could go on. I know exactly how you feel madam ^_^ I don't have much experience with this mama thing, but it might just be a generation issue.

 

I think it is a generational thing -- the pendulum swings back & forth. One generation's "current thinking" is the next generation's "I can't believe we thought that."

DH's and my parents are, for the most part, very good about saying "Whatever works for you is fine" -- though I do think DH's parents are a little unrealistic about the table manners that can be expected from 2-year-olds. My mom said something like "You know, parents never know what they're doing -- if you can read a book that makes you feel better about it, what's the harm? I wish I had had those books to help me figure it out when you were young!"

She also commented that she wished swaddling had been in fashion when she was having to deal with my colicky self! The whole "happiest baby on the block" stuff was a real revelation to her -- she was like, "Hey, this really works!"

And there is a twin vs singleton aspect to it too. Many singleton parents just can't imagine what life would be like if you couldn't hold "the baby" every time he/she cried, or if you couldn't expect "the baby" to sleep in the infant carrier while you do the grocery shopping.

You know what's best for your kids!

 

My mom wanted to give them water at 3 months, and told me they must be bored of drinking the same thing for 6 months and I should put some stuff in it to give it some taste... I didn't bother telling her they will drink their formula until they're one...

 

it sounds like you're doing a super great job! as PPs have said - you know your babies best. it's definitely hard though when people question what you're doing - i have a lot of self-doubts to begin with so when other people weigh in it can really get me going in a negative direction.

my favorite reaction so far was when my dad found out i was planning on BFing for at least a year (longer if the girls want to). he's normally a super laid back guy with a laissez faire attitude - but i think i literally heard his jaw hit the floor when i told him. i had to pull out the old WHO recommendations to show him that i wasn't crazy.

 

I live a fair distance from family and most of my good friends so I've missed out on comments. My sister has a singleton who isnt' on any schedule and is fussy, cries alot, etc. Mine are on one and nap often 1.5 - 2 hrs in the AM and PM and go to bed at 6:30 pm sleep until 6 am (now 7 am !!) so I guess I'm doing something right. Mine used to go to bed at 8 pm but they changed and I had to move it earlier. I LOVE the earlier bedtime... gives me supper alone.


I did often say to people "yes I know but twin moms do things so much differently ... we HAVE to since we have two babies" plus the water thing... formula is made of mostly water !!!

I feel that babies/kids are like YOUR science experiment..... THEY have had their babies/kids and now it is YOUR TURN to decide what, how you want to do things.

Too bad you couldn't just say "oh we aren't interested in other peoples advice / opinions...." hehe wouldn't that be great !!!!!

Heather

 

Totally a generation gap!

While back in IL for X-mas (6 mos. pregnant), my MIL had to remind me every time I took a bite of ANYTHING that after 20 lbs. gain...it's all weight gain for you and not the babies. She even had twins herself and said she didn't gain more than 20 lbs. then either. I talked to my OB/GYN about this and said Oh No, she's old school if she's telling you that.

THEN while back in IL again this summer (babies were 4 mos.), I was hanging out with my mom and aunt. We were eating apple pie and ice cream. I took a bite and then turn to see my mom giving DD a small spoonful of the vanilla ice cream (the rich stuff too)! I practically choked on my own piece. I told her to NOT do that again, but she shushed me and told me that her own father would have had them eating ice cream at 2 months. UGH!

 

I think it's a bit of both. You know your babies and what they need, don't worry what anyone else is thinking. You have your routine worked out and it works for you. Let any one of the questioners try to manage two infants for more than a few hours and see how well they do. Keep doing your thing!

Hey, I gave my babies two baths each day -- one in the morning and one in the evening. There was a very good reason I did it (several actually), but it raised every eyebrow that came our way (and probably still does). You have to do the things that work for you and your family.

 

i don't know but i get a lot of this crap from the older generation all the way around. my mom is now telling me that it's time the girls take just one nap a day. i said, "i'm going to let THEM decide when it's time for them to drop their morning nap!" and she was like, "yeah, well..." and she said that next summer we should start working on potty training...
we were at a restaurant waiting for a table last weekend, and this woman was sitting next to me and wouldn't stop talking (she has two grandsons a year apart, so it's just like having twins ya know ) . i took out the girls' bottles and handed them to them and marina took hers and ivana let me hold hers (she likes to relax if someone else is willing to hold it lol). the lady was like, "she can't hold her own bottle yet???" yes, she can, she just chooses not to sometimes... she likes to be "babied" that way. i don't mind doing it once in a while. whatever.
another one... whenever they hit a milestone everyone (older women) is so surprised, then i hear, "really? wow, that's great for twins! they're usually behind in those things..." really? where'd you hear that, cuz i never did!

 

My DD just had a flower girl dress altered by a woman who was probably in her late 70's. She had five kids of her own, but was twin-crazy! She kept talking about how she had always wanted twins, and had even figured out a way that she could breastfeed them both. So, I shared with her that I was still breastfeeding my boys... which triggered a long conversation about how all five of her babies self-weaned by 8 months at the latest, but it was okay because they all started drinking milk and orange juice from glasses (not sippies!) by 3 months old. Times change, that's all. Maybe we have become more overprotective as a society, but, heck, if one baby's life has been saved, all the overprotectiveness is totally worth it!

 

I agree totally with the pp over the saving of lives due to us being a little more careful Just the difference in the number of babies dying from sids now in comparison to 20 years ago is huge! I think that time is a big thing too with this topic I think maybe people forget when and how things happened with their own kids I dont know how many older people have said their babies were potty trained at 9 months and stuff like that I alway imagine this crawling baby going into the bathroom and climbing on to the toilet I think some advice is great and I dont know what I would have done without it but some is just useless ignore all the stuff that doesnt apply to you and keep doing the wonderful job you are doing.

 

Definitely a generation thing. My mom raised twins too, as did her mom, and each generation has done things differently. We all gotta find our own way. Do what works for you.

 

30 years is a long time. I think a lot of older people just don't remember the baby days clearly. It's all I can do to remember the things I did with DS, and that was only 4 years ago.

QUOTE(ladybenz @ Nov 4 2008, 10:39 PM) [snapback]1056711[/snapback]
Definitely a generation thing. My mom raised twins too, as did her mom, and each generation has done things differently. We all gotta find our own way. Do what works for you.