Overwhelmed and confused

Hello everyone I'm Sara and I'm new here. I have 4 children the youngest two are twins that just turned a year a few months ago. I'm married, 27 and live in California. Thank you in advance for reading this, I'll try to make it as short as possible.

My husband and I were living in a city about 3 hours from family and friends. We have recently moved back to our home town for support and to attend the better colleges this town has to offer. Since I found out I was having twins it seems that my life has spiraled out of control completely and I am utterly lost. Just having the older two children 9yrs and 2yrs was hectic but it was manageable for us. My husband and I still managed school, work, and even went to the gym 3-5 times a week. I felt like our life was on a good path. Then came news of twins and really my whole life has gone to hell. Here is just a little snapshot so I don't have to ramble on and on:

My life now consists of 4 children. Also I take care of my toddler nephew and mentally/physically disabled brother multiple times a week.

Currently for a family of six my husband and I make about 26,000 a year.

Former landlord is suing us, after we lived in his mold infested unit for 6 months and having my children be continuously sick.

The van I need to transport all the children keeps breaking down.

I'm trying my hardest in my classes for something I'm very passionate about. I have to study and work in 5-20 minute intervals and then when kids go to bed, if I haven't passed out with them already. School is really important to me right now because I want to be something more than a poor house wife on welfare. My husband goes to school and works as well.

Working from home to try and contribute.

Diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. Sadly I take my frustration out on myself in the form of self harm and bulimia for whatever reason. Fully aware that I need treatment and was receiving it in former town but trying to get my medical case transferred to current county and have no resources at this time.

Started drinking after a year and a half of being sober.

Living in my moms living room, waiting for our rental to become ready.

I'll just stop there for now. I'm fully aware that I'm not a victim and that the choices I've made have brought me here that is why I've been trying my hardest this past year to do this whole Mom thing and get some order back into our life. In all honesty though, I am just not cut out for this life. I'm really not. Everyone tells me I'm a great Mom but I don't feel like it cos I HATE it. I feel like a servant and I honestly hate my life.

I know that asking this will make me seem evil... but what if I left? Do you think that would scar my children for life? I see men do it all the time, they live in different cities and help support the child financially and see them a few times a year. I know I would miss them but I just can't do this anymore. I feel like my life is always in upheaval now, no matter how hard I try to fix things. I feel like I'm just a servant and not even a person anymore. If I left they would still have their dedicated father and loving grandmothers, aunts, uncles. I feel like if I don't leave this way then I'll find another way to leave my life and that would scar them even more. Even upon moving back a couple of months ago, I find that I still hate my life. Even when my wonderful Mom watches the children for me, I still don't want to come back. Everyone says it gets better but I don't know how long I can wait.

Sorry for the rant, and thank you again for reading. I greatly appreciate any advice.

 

Sara,


:welcome: to Twinstuff!

I'm going to be very blunt with the best of intentions. I read your post as a cry for help. There are a few things you mention (self-harm, drinking again, references to either leaving or possibly suicide) that lead me to think you need HELP. Immediately. As in, the very next thing you do today is to show this post to a family member who can help you get help, or go to a hospital and demand some help as a person who may harm themselves. I think this is due to some illness which mean you are not thinking as you might when on some medication and or sober. :hug:


I wish you the best of luck and hope you continue to keep posting and update us.

 

As a counselor, I agree with Michelle. Get help and get it now. I'm guessing you are hiding a lot of this from your husband and family and friends. Leaving your children will not solve the issues you are facing - you will still have anxietyt, depression, substance abuse, and then guilt from leaving. RUN, do not walk, to the nearest doctor or hospital or whatever is close by. I know you probably feel like you don't have the money or the time for treatment, but do it, no matter what it costs.

You don't mention if you take any medications. If you had something and stopped taking it, find out about starting it again. If you don't take meds, think about starting. You don't mention if you have insurance, but there are quite a few generics that you can get for $4 a month at Walmart and other large chain pharmacies. I understand all the reasons people don't want to take meds sometimes, but they also help a lot, and there is no shame in taking meds. I take something every day to keep my mood on an even keel. Counseling plus meds is often the most powerful combination.

I would also suggest a break from classes, at least for a semester. I did school while my kids were small (ages 1-3), so I know how hard it is, and there is no shame in taking some time off. You will feel so much better and get so much more out of your education if you take care of yourself and are mentally stable first.

 

I agree with the other ladies that it sounds like you need help. Check yourself in to a mental health center or rehab and get the psychiatric support you need. What you are describing sounds like a lot for anyone to go through, but trying to go through it while suffering from mental illness, addiction, and an eating disorder is just asking to spiral even farther. After you are healthy, then you can make a clear minded decision regarding school, your children, etc. I respect you want your education, but maybe it will be more feasible financially if your husband finishes while you get healthy and then once he is finished you can resume your studies. That would give the family some time to get more financially stable and give you time to take care of yourself. Please help your family by helping yourself!

 

I also agree with the other ladies. It also sounds like you are trying to keep a lot of balls in the air, and that is going to contribute to your depression and anxiety as you will never feel as though you're living up to expectation. I think you need to scale WAY back. I wouldn't watch additional children right now or take on any extras. I would focus on setting lots of short term goals like getting the van fixed or whatever; something relatively small and manageable to take on at once.

Life can be so overwhelming at times and it's easy to get sucked under. But just in recognizing that you aren't doing well, and asking for help, you've done the biggest hardest part. Be kind to yourself. And come here any time for support.

 

as a nurse I agree with the other ladies - PLEASE get some help - take yourself to the nearest ER and tell them you're having these thoughts - they will get you help, medications and therapy - no one needs to feel this way!

 

Sara, I agree with all of these wonderful ladies. I also read your post as a cry for help. Please do consider either going to the ER or to the nearest doctor/hospital. It does sound like you have a lot of responsibilities on your plate and looking for areas to scale back on would be a good start. Take care of yourself! Please check in with us on how you are doing.
We all wish the best for you and your children!

 

I also agree that you need to seek help NOW....first, and then take it one day at a time from there. YOu need to stop taking on the extra children/brother, it could help to take a break from classes for a bit and make some short term goals. Your life does sound overwhelming, but I dont think leaving is the answer (in any capacity) I feel like you'll regret it. Keep talking to us if nothing else, we're here for support. :grouphug:

 

Hi Sara. The other ladies have given you such good suggestions, and I just wanted to add that you're in my thoughts and prayers right now. You have a lot on your plate. I want you to get the help you need. Please know you aren't alone and that this fellow twin Mom is pulling hard for you and your sweet little ones. I wish I could give you a hug.

 

I agreed with pps.

Stop school for now. Studying is life time thing. U can go back to school after you have everything under control.
Stop meds if you are taking
U can search for women health service. Call state health dept, they will help. U might not have to pay for service
Start working out again. It will boost your mood
Stop drinking. Your twins just turned 1 a few months ago. And u have been drinking for 1 yr and a half!!! Stop. Depression + alcohol = hell!!!

U have so much going on now. You should set your priorities and focus on them. For your kids sake, you should take care of yourself ASAP!!!! You will have mentally supports here. These ladies here are awesome!!! But stop drinking and go to clinic ask help ASAP!!!

And I would never ever leave my kids!!

Hugs! And good luck!!!

 

I didn't read all the replies but wanted to let you know that I am in your shoes.  We are actually making less than what you said you and your husband (we don't live in cali though, they have a high cost of living!).  I am BEYOND overwhelmed.  I too feel like I am just a servant.  And I TOO have had the thought run through my head of leaving.  I just don't know if I could really do it.  I always think of when you see a movie where the mom left the family, and the kids are resentful or messed up.  But damn, the thought has crossed my mind.  Yesterday, I had a major meltdown.  My boy/girl tiwns are 20 months.  Long story short, I locked myself in the bathroom and cried....hysterically.  I couldn't catch my breath.  My inlaws came later and took one of the twins.  I just feel like my life has been turned upside down.  I love them very much, but I just feel more and more like I can NOT do this anymore.  I haven't been on twinstuff in a good while, and today I came here for support because of how bad it's been getting.  I am scared of completely losing my mind.  I was prescribed Xanax and Klonopin but I try not to take it unless I REALLY feel like I'm going to lose it, like yesterday. 
 
I just want you to know you are NOT alone.  I am actually relieved to see another mom of twins admit that the thought of leaving has entered her mind.  I wanted to start my own thread about this, but like many other times, I just don't havfe the time right now.  i'll come back and do that.  Please, keep in mind you are not alone. 

 

Hello Everyone,

Thank you for all of your kind words. I feel grateful for your support.

It took me a long time to respond because I was kind of taken back by the responses and didn't know what to think. Also things have been pretty hectic. We finally moved in to our rental which is very nice, we are all sick now though.

Anyway, I did go to my present county's mental health services for an evaluation. I told them the things I have told you here but we could not finish the appointment due to my insurance still being active in former county. After calling multiple times a day for several day the old insurance will be discontinued effective Nov 1 and then I can apply here in this county....

It struck me a little odd to just walk into an ER and tell them I'm crazy. I'm not sure I can do that. I know every person who works in the healthcare industry have their own opinions but the last therapist in former county knew of everything I stated above and then some. He didn't seem to think it was an emergency. I think honestly they see worse cases than me. I'm not addicted to narcotics and don't have anything on my record. Just a normal plain jane, overworked housewife.

I agree though I need help and Im working on it. Thank you everyone.

 

Sara, thanks for coming back and updating us on how you are doing.