Our nanny keeps calling Jack and Lily

seems to infer that she is their "grandmother" of sorts. It kind of leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. She is only with us 12 hours a week and I work from home so I am around most of the time she is here. She has also only been with us for about 6 weeks. I really do like her and she is great with the kids. Sometimes when we are all hanging out she will refer to them as "my boy" or "my girl". I have to bite my tongue to keep from pointing out that they are actually MY boy and MY girl. Would you ever say something or just grin and bear it. I want her to feel like part of the family but I am so not comfy with that. Also, she used to be one of my best friend's nannies and comes recommended from a nanny service so I am not thinking she is crazy or anything, just a little needy, I guess.

 

I SO get where you are coming from. our nanny will answer "yes?" when my kids say mama (and i'm in the room) and it drives me absolutely INSANE. they call her "Nana" so they are OBVIOUSLY not talking to her! i just want to say something, but it seems like such a silly thing i bite my tongue. but it gets me EVERY time.

no advice, just wanted to commiserate...

 

i don't have that problem (yet!) but i can commisserrate. one of our nicu nurses was the same way. it was really hard for me.... i just tried to remember that my boys were in her care and i needed her to care for them in any way possible. it's a different relationship, for sure, but i did appreciate that she was loving to them and tried to focus on that. i'm sure it's hard for you, though.

is there any way you could say something in a joking or light way that might reflect your feelings but not make her feel badly? if not, i would say to try to just appreciate the thought behind it (that she cares for your kids) and not how it sounds (like she wants to replace you!).

take care, jl

 

Eh, I would probably just let it slide....I'm sure she means for it to be affectionate. I know various people have referred to our kids the same way -- including Kevan's various therapists! -- and it doesn't bother me too much. His oral motor therapist asks every week, "How did my boy do this week?" -- and, I just think it's nice.

But, if she started answering when they said mama -- like Sandra mentioned -- oy, *that* would be annoying. Mama is clearly mama, and no one else!

 

QUOTE(Becca34 @ Feb 27 2009, 08:07 PM) [snapback]1208336[/snapback]
Eh, I would probably just let it slide....I'm sure she means for it to be affectionate. I know various people have referred to our kids the same way -- including Kevan's various therapists! -- and it doesn't bother me too much. His oral motor therapist asks every week, "How did my boy do this week?" -- and, I just think it's nice.

But, if she started answering when they said mama -- like Sandra mentioned -- oy, *that* would be annoying. Mama is clearly mama, and no one else!



I agree.

 

My mom does that.. and slips quite often using the term mom. I try not to let it bother me... she does say 'my boy & my girl.' :hug: BTDT no solution.. I don't want to alienate grandma at all, but...

 

I don't know how I'd feel since I'm not in your situation of having a nanny. We have an in-home day care provider and she has always been very appropriate. DS said she was his "best friend" once :blush: and DD will say "I go Amy''s house" with a smirk on her face when she's trying to irk me (I swear it's true. )

Didn't you say in a long-ago post that your nanny was Spanish-speaking? (or is that a former nanny?) Maybe it's a cultural thing? I would try not to let it get to you. Try to reframe it as an indicator that she is really attached and invested in your children. I would much rather have a nanny like that than one who wasn't.

 

My nanny does it too!! It is irking to stay the least. She calls them "her babies" huh - I don't remember you going through ivf 3 times, on bedrest for 9 months and then being cut open...but...

I just suck it up. There are many things I had to learn to let slide and that was one of them.

As they say... pick your battles.

For me it was also the inner guilt I struggle with as not being home with them as well. So everything she does bugs me because its not me...KWIM?

 

We us an in-home daycare and she refers to Katie and Tyler as "my" babies. She writes me notes that say my babies had a great day, my baby girl had a temper tantrum, etc. and I just try to let it roll off my back. I have made jokes about it to dh, but I try to look at it that I am glad that my caregiver likes my children so much and is so caring. Since I work full-time out of the home it makes me feel better that someone is treating them like she would her own.

 

I think I'd let it go too. I think you're very lucky to have a good nanny that loves them this much. I mean I used to call my nephews my boys when they were little, but that certainly didn't mean I percieved them as my children. I just love, love, love them to bits! As long as she isn't doing blatantly weird stuff like trying to get them to call her Mommy or anything, I think it's just affection.

 

Hmm, I don't think I would take it too personally.

 

QUOTE(Becca34 @ Feb 27 2009, 12:07 PM) [snapback]1208336[/snapback]
Eh, I would probably just let it slide....I'm sure she means for it to be affectionate. I know various people have referred to our kids the same way -- including Kevan's various therapists! -- and it doesn't bother me too much. His oral motor therapist asks every week, "How did my boy do this week?" -- and, I just think it's nice.

But, if she started answering when they said mama -- like Sandra mentioned -- oy, *that* would be annoying. Mama is clearly mama, and no one else!


I agree. I am sure she knows those children are not hers and they are yours. No need to get possesive about them. I would love that actually. I think it shows affection for them and that's the kind of nanny I would want for my children. I think you are pretty lucky to have someone like that.

OTOH, answering to "mama" is a whole other story. That, is not okay.

 

I actually think it's normal, all the people I know who work as nannies or in daycare centers do it.
I've always refered to the children as "my" girl/boy/twins/kids. Maybe not so much directly to their parents (I wouldn't say how's my girl been?, I'd use the childs name) but pretty much the rest of the time. In fact my family do it too-if my Mum/sister is talking to someone about them they will say "Zoë's babies/twins". I never thought of it as something that might upset their parents, generally it's just easier to say and I suppose I do feel that they are mine in that I love and care for them.

As for responding to "mama": when the kids were just starting to talk I did respond to "Mummy" (N.B. NEVER if their mum was in the room-then I'd assume they wanted her) because for a little while they knew how to say Mummy but not how to say Zoë. They would say Mummy when they wanted the attention of the adult in the room, it's not like I could ignore them calling for help. As soon as they learned to say Zoë I stopped answering to Mummy, if they called me Mummy I'd tell them "Zoë" to correct them and wait for them to say it back before I responded. What I'm saying is I think it's ok for a carer to answer to mama IF that's the only thing the child can say, once the child can say other names then it becomes inappropriate.

[SIZE=8pt]Edited for spelling[/SIZE]

 

Yeah, I think I'm with everyone else-- it would TOTALLY irritate me, I even find myself feeling that way a bit when their grandparents use the word "my" when in fact, they ARE "their" grandbabies. But like all the PPs have said- it's good that they are really being cared for so compassionately. :hug:

 

I'm assuming she's an older lady? If so, I'd let it go. She loves them & takes good care of them. It's not like she's going to kidnap them. I wouldn't get hung up on a pronoun.

 

I'd let it slid. She's not saying, "My son/daughter". Saying "my boy" or "my girl" is more a term of affection for the little boy and girl that she cares about and is taking care of. Because you're their mother, when you say "my boy/girl" you're inferring the "boy/girl" to be the same as son/daughter. When you hear her say that, you're annoyed because in your head you're drawing that same parallel, but since she hasn't crossed the line on anything else (at least that's my understanding), I doubt she means anything more than they are the little boy/girl that she takes care of and feels affectionate towards.

Does that make sense? I'm awfully tired . . . I ramble enough when I'm well rested. :umm:

As a teacher, I refer to my students all the time as "my kids." I don't for a second ever intend that to mean they are my children, but instead, they are kids and they are entrusted to my care every day for 7 hours and I care about them.

I would feel good they have a caregiver that cares so much for them.

 

I'd let it go.

I used to call my nephew 'my little guy'. Clearly I didn't think I was his mommy and he knew i wasn't mommy either.
It's a term of affection.

If she starts calling them her son or daughter or responds to mommy, then you've got problems.

Other than that, be happy you have a nanny you are so comfortable with.

 

IMHO - although it would (and did) bother me in the beginning I have rephrased it in my brain, rather than thinking of her trying to take over I would try and think of her as being loving and very caring with your children. I have a lady that helps me out with the kids full-time and after a few months she was telling the kids that she loved them, which I found kind of weird and made me feel possesive...but I rephrased it in my mind and now I kind of like it that she cares that much for my twins that she says she loves them (this being said, she is not a weirdo or anything like that, so I trust that it comes from a place of sanity when she says these things).

 

I would let it slide. It just a term of affection. I still call my 7 year old nephew 'my boy' and 'my Matthew'. It never occured to me that it would bother anyone and as far as I know it hasn't. Our daycare director has referred to the kids at the center as her kids too. I don't think it's that uncommon at all. Like the PP said take comfort in the fact that she obviously cares for your children.

 

hey there... and hello... say, usually this is a simple way of "nurturing a child" ... any child, as with kindness and security, when it is a permitted adult figure in the home, that is trusted... but still:

this is very tricky in one respect-- you dont want uncomfortable feelings to hang around, for you, in your own home... :mellow:
yet, it is hard to deal with this in a way that won't hurt the others feelings...

you could have tea or something with her some time, and sweetly say how having a nanny is new to you... and ask if there are standard terms of affection that are normally used, and then add in how you are not used to this yet (she may already be picking up on feelings that you are not even aware that you are showing towards her, and this issue)---perhaps this would open a door for you both to talk and share and clear your heart about your feelings??


in our home, which was mexican background, we had special terms, so it was not a worry (plus had no day care)...

the granma's call our kids:

mamacita... or "mama" ... which was just a "little mama" for the girls...
and
papacito... or "papa" ... which was just a "little papa" for the boys...

both ME (the mom), and the grandma called them that... so there was no "my" involved...

yet--on occasion, she did call them mijo, or mija, which is son or daughter (slang tex-mex)... but she did not do so in a possesive way, only due to habit that grandmas are so used to being moms)...

(aunts would do this too, if they were close and speical-loved aunts)

the kids always called their grandma, abuela, or NANA... and NANO for the grandpa...

but then again, we had no daycare worker... :mellow:


*i guess you will have to go by your gut-instincts... and perhaps ask your husband, too...
perhaps also, your husband can help you with the feelings you are having, in this concern...

i sure feel bad to have you feel uncomfortable...
as long as you dont see YOUR control being pushed aside, and the day-care gal starting to have more control than you, perhaps as the other gals chipped in here--you should not worry too much...


*good luck and god bless and i hope all will settle soon...

oh, an extra note:

(i call my step grand babes, "baby girl"... as in so how' s my baby-girl... and their mom is fine with this...
being that SHE does this, also, with her girl-friend's babies...
so:
as she knows i mean as "my baby grand-girl... (but then, i am a relative, in a way, too... )

so, perhaps your day-care gal means it as:

how's "my girl that i take care of... "
and
how's "my boy that i take care of... "

well, best of wishes to you, and may this soon be solved in a happy way for you...

 

I'd let it go. She probably isn't trying to steal your kids. She's just being affectionate and I'm sure means no harm.

It wouldn't bother me a bit.

She's not there often enough for it to reallly affect anything.

 

QUOTE(neebee @ Feb 28 2009, 08:19 AM) [snapback]1208987[/snapback]
mamacita... or "mama" ... which was just a "little mama" for the girls...
and
papacito... or "papa" ... which was just a "little papa" for the boys...



Ah!! I wondered if that was a cultural thing! A gf of mine is half Mexican and would always refer to her DD as "mama" and I always thought that was odd. (Like "wait? Aren't YOU the mama???")

Thanks for explaining that!!

 

I don't think it's a big deal. It's a sign of affection that I have used in the past and I definitely didn't intend to be "stealing" a child's affection from their parents.

 

You will always be mom no matter what other people call your kids or how attached others are to your kids and vice versa. It's a bond that is like no other and can't really be broken or infringed on. Having loving people in your kids lives outside of your immediate family is a very positive thing and essential for your children's development. Let it go.

 

I can understand how that would erk you. I found even with my own mom who I love dearly that it would erk me a little when she would call them "my girl" or "my babies". I can understand how those who say it mean it differently, but yeah sometimes it can rub you the wrong way

I think especially if I had to leave my kids with someone while I went to work it would mean more -- since in my heart I'd never want any doubt that they were "my girls". I'm sure it isn't easy for you to leave your kids eventhough you have someone who cares about them taking care of them.

heather

 

I'm guilty. I call my grandsons "my boys". I know who their mama is and I don't want to, or try to, take her place. I much prefer being the grandmother - I'm too old and too tired to want to be a new mother all over again - I'm an old mother to two precious grown daughters and grandmother to three precious grandsons that I'll always think of as "my little fellas". I think it's just something that people that are close to children do. My other daughter (their aunt) refers to them as her little guys. We all feel so close to them and such a part of their life. It's no insult to my daughter, but we all love them as if they were our own but she holds the title and special place in their heart for mommy.

 

QUOTE(heathertwins @ Mar 1 2009, 05:36 PM) [snapback]1210508[/snapback]
I can understand how that would erk you. I found even with my own mom who I love dearly that it would erk me a little when she would call them "my girl" or "my babies". I can understand how those who say it mean it differently, but yeah sometimes it can rub you the wrong way

heather

It just melts my heart if my mom calls my kids "my girl" or "my boy". It really surprises me that this upsets people, but it may be a reflection of a more complicated relationship than I know about.

QUOTE(SCK1 @ Mar 1 2009, 07:56 PM) [snapback]1210624[/snapback]
I'm guilty. I call my grandsons "my boys". I know who their mama is and I don't want to, or try to, take her place. I much prefer being the grandmother - I'm too old and too tired to want to be a new mother all over again - I'm an old mother to two precious grown daughters and grandmother to three precious grandsons that I'll always think of as "my little fellas". I think it's just something that people that are close to children do. My other daughter (their aunt) refers to them as her little guys. We all feel so close to them and such a part of their life. It's no insult to my daughter, but we all love them as if they were our own but she holds the title and special place in their heart for mommy.


Very nicely explained (and very sweet! :blush: )

 

I would take "my" as an act of affection. I was a owner of a day care and called the kids "my kids" (we had a small group) because I loved and cared about each one as my own. Most of the "my" parents of the kids were glad I loved their kids like my own. I am sure she knows they are your children, as I did and respected their wishes and guide lines they had for them

Just be happy she loves them and try to look the other way.
Calling her mama or her answering to that is all dofferent. I would always tell "my" daycare kids no I am not mama I am your Penny (my name). This would upset me. You went through a lot to earn the name and status of MAMA. And no one should take that away or interfer with that special name.

 

I understand your feelings. I always correct our mothers when they say "my baby" I say "grand baby"

 

We had a babysitter who came a few hours several times a week for the first 18 months of the children's lives. I was mostly around too. She definitely views Maia and Tal as 'her' girls (and frequently made jokes about taking them home). But I just viewed it as an expression of how much she cared for the girls. She really adores them and I love that and make an effort to maintain the relationship even though she hasn't taken care of the girls formally for the past 1 1/2 years. I try to make sure they see her at least every week or two and include her in all the important events (even though she isn't exactly the person I would choose for myself as a friend, she's just become part of the family as I think it is important for the girls to have that connection).

She has her own family of 4 children, she's not trying to replace them or us. But she just views the children she works with with such affection - I hear her stories of kids she took care of 20 years ago and she's just the same about them.

Also I figure that that's how a childminder / baby sitter / nanny / preschool teacher talks about their charges as 'my girls / boys'. It would surely be cumbersome to all the time be saying 'the children I look after'.

The only slightly annoying thing was that our babysitter would be very very happy if the girls seemed to want to go to her instead of one of us. But then I never said anything, because it's not a competition for us: I know that I am mum and DH is dad and that, for now, we're irreplaceable.

For me, the more people that love my girls the better!
lisa

 

QUOTE(twoplustwo @ Feb 27 2009, 04:20 PM) [snapback]1208461[/snapback]
I agree. I am sure she knows those children are not hers and they are yours. No need to get possesive about them. I would love that actually. I think it shows affection for them and that's the kind of nanny I would want for my children. I think you are pretty lucky to have someone like that.

OTOH, answering to "mama" is a whole other story. That, is not okay.


I agree with this wholeheartedly. It actually makes me sad to see parents try to prevent nannies from loving their kids. It sounds like affection. Why would you not want your kids to receive that love?

We've had nannies/au pairs since the start and I remember our first au pair telling me she couldn't have an au pair when they had children because they wouldn't want their kids loving someone else. My response was, "I want my kids to have as much love in their lives as possible."