Only one was invited to a party

Last night Hayley showed us an invitation to her friend's birthday party. The party is tonight. Talk about short notice(the mom just sent the invitation yesterday). We told Hayley she could go. We have known that this would happen eventually but it was still heartbreaking for Brianne. I felt so bad for her. She just cried and cried saying that she wanted to be invited too. I tried to explain to her that T was Hayley's friend but she kept saying she was her friend too. They do know each other and T came to the twins birthday party in April but she is really Hayley's friend.

Last year was easy. Every birthday party that they were invited to was for someone in Brianne's class but they had all gone to pre-k together so Hayley was always invited too. Even this year, a girl in Brianne's class is having a party tomorrow and both were invited.

I am taking Brianne shopping for stocking stuffers (for the grandparents - Santa does not fill their stockings)tonight while Hayley is at the party.

I know that Brianne will be alright and we are right to let Hayley go to the party, but I am still so sad for Brianne.

 

It is sad. Last year was the first year we dealt with it and one of my gals felt like she had done something wrong because she hadn't gotten invited. I felt so badly for her. Like you, I will take the one who is not invited out somewhere just the two of us so that it can be a fun day for her too.

Most of the time though, now that everyone knows the girls are twins, they both get invited regardless. Briane will love the special attention she gets from you that day and hopefully she will forget that she didn't get to go to the party. Mom is more fun than a party- right?


Hope the day is great for all of you!

Lisa

 

I know it is so hard. NOt on the same degree but, my two are in K together. THey have an incentive program at school called gotcha where they get a special piece of paper that they can take to the office, get a treat and entered into a school wide drawing. Yesterday Ian got on and Vince did not and (I was in class yesterday) and when they got back to class Vince was soo upset tht he did not get one.
Again, not quite the same but deals with one getting special attention and the other struggling with it. I just tried to acknowledge his hurt, tell him I understood but that they were not the SAME person and sometimes they will get and do different things. It so happened he hd an apt yesterday so I pointed out he would get a little alone time with Daddy and Ian would not.

 

We had that happen last w/e. Timothy was invited to an all boys party of one of the kids in their class. Sarah wasn't. We let Sarah invite over a couple of friends from the neighborhood and we had popcorn and watched the new Tinkerbell movie. The hardest part for her was that Timothy came home with a huge goodie bag. She thought half should be hers, but we told her it was his stuff.

I think in our case the school was more to blame than anybody. You can only hand out invitations at school if you invite the whole class or only boys, or only girls. The school hasn't gotten out directories for us to make other invitation list if we don't want to stick to those guidelines. My dh talked to the mom, and she said she knew Timothy had a twin sister and Prescott kind of wanted to invite Sarah, but also wanted an all boy bday. And since they knew Sarah was a girly-girl they weren't sure she'd want to be at an all boy bday. Since the mom has 4 year-old twin girls, she was sympathetic to the problem.

But we made the most of it. Tried to give each of them a special time. We also pointed out that probably there would be an all girl party sometime where Timothy stayed home. The other thing we had to do was be very firm with Timothy that if he bragged or teased her about not going, he would not be going either.

Marissa

 

We had to talk about the no bragging also. I went into talk to Brianne when she was crying and came out to tell Hayley no bragging. She said she had been already been told. LOL

 

I just got a phone call from my DH. The girls just got home from school. My oldest said that Brianne is invited to the party. T asked Hayley today why Brianne was not coming to her party and Hayley told her because she was not invited. T told Hayley that she was supposed to be. Hayley told T that she needed to tell Caitlyn because she did not want us to think she had asked about inviting her sister.

My DH called T's house and talked to her mother. She said T came home and told her that she told Brianne she could come to the party. Her mom was getting ready to call to tell us that it was fine for Brianne to come(she did not realize the girls were twins - even though T came to their birthday party in April). She wanted to let us know so we did not think the girls were making it up. LOL

 

I'm happy it worked out that way - I cannot believe a mother would be so insensitive as to invite one twin & not the other so I am glad it was in error. I make it a point that for all parties we give....all children in the family are invited. I end up having to juggle ages from 1-12, boys & girls & have large parties.....but I would rather do that than hurt a child's feelings.

 

Why should a parent be obligated to invite all siblings to a party? Especially as the kids get to be school age. Jon was recently invited to a party, the mom knows he has a twin brother, but they have never played with Marc. Why should the mother pay good money to have a child at her sons' birthday party who is not a friend of her son? They are two different people, and they don't always have to have the same parties/experiences/etc. that their twin has, simply because they are twins.

There are 4 sets of twins in the boys' grade, 3 sets are b/b, the other is b/g. For their birthday party, I invited one full set (it was an all boy party) because both boys have been in my boys classes since K. We invited the boy from the b/g set, and only one of the boys from the other b/b set--the one that was in Marcus' class. The other boy was not in either of their classes, and they knew he existed, but didn't know him at all. Now, when I had enough "can't make it" responses to be under my budget, I did extend an invite to the other twin--his mother was grateful, but didn't have a problem either way. At some point they do have to learn that just because they are twins does not mean that they have to be invited to everything.

 

I'm glad it worked out so nicely.

I also agree that a child should not have to invite someone because of who they are related to. I don't expect my twins to always be invited to the same things. As parents of multiples, we are always saying they are two separate people and should be treated that way. We want 2 separate presents for special occasions, different clothes etc. Can't have it both ways and have them treated as 2 separate people and expect them to be invited to the same events because they are twins. I think that would be a double standard.

 

I'm with BellaRissa here. There are enough hurts and disappointments in life, it would kill me to be the cruel parent who invited one twin to a party and not the other. I'm sorry but I think that is nasty. I am really happy it worked out. Why hurt a kid's feelings over something like a birthday party by inviting one and not the other? Life is too short, you only get one childhood. No, they are not always going to get the same grade or make the same team or get the same scholarship/award but this is an easy way to avoid hurting a kid.

 

I guess I am a bad twin mommy here...we had an all girl party last year...so I invited the girl of a b/g set to come to the party.
The parents were totally fine with it. The boy did end up attending the party due to childcare issues...and I had to really scramble for a gift bag for him.

 

I think it's different if the twins are B/G and someone wants to have just a boy party or just a girl party. In all other cases, I've always invited both twins.

 

A similar thing happened to us. Glad it worked out!

In our community we have lots of sets of twins (and some triplets) and the parents usually try to include siblings. I, personally would not have a problem with a parent asking if a sibling could be included in a party for my gals. And I would certainly extend an invitation to someone's twin whether they were good friends or not.

 

We had something like that happen last year in pre-k. Nate was invited to a birthday party but not Drew. We didn't know the family well but got to know the mom a bit when I called to RSVP, etc.... She had NO IDEA that Nate had a twin. In fact, the party was a 'princess party' but the little girl had insisted that Nate be invited - he was the only boy invited! When the mom found out Nate was a twin she apologized profusely and tried to invite Drew. I actually kept Drew home because Drew had never talked about this little girl and I really think she and Nate were special friends. In hindsight, I wish I would have sent Drew, too. He did something special, too (went to a sleepover at Grandma's house, just him) but looking back I wish I would have taken the mom up on her offer to invite both boys. I don't know why, but it still bothers me that Drew didn't go....... Although I know they aren't always going to have the same opportunities/talents/friends, I think this age is too young for them to process that. I think there is a risk of them internalizing it in a negative way (I worry Drew might think, "Nate has more friends, more people like Nate"). Once they are in separate classes we'll have to deal with those issues, but for now, I'm trying to keep it even.
Now, I think that with b/g twins it's a different story when it's an all girl or all boy party.