One twin having meltdown when other twin gets hurt...

Ever since the girls could talk everything has always had to be equal... you have blue cup, I want blue cup, you get boo boo, I have a boo boo too, you're wrapping your doggie in a blanket, I need a blanket too... I understand this is typical behavior for a 2 year old, fairness = equality in every way.

The situation I need help dealing with is when one twin gets hurt. Recent examples:

1) Emma falls down the bottom 5 stairs and lands on the floor - she is screaming, I rush to pick her up. Lyla immediately begins screaming crying too, that she fell down the stairs too. Lyla cries longer than emma over the incident.

2) Lyla falls backwards off the coffee table she is sitting on (no, she's not supposed to sit on the table ), she hits her head on the floor, cries. I pick her up and cuddle her. Emma throws a tantrum, tries to push lyla off my lap and screams the SHE hit HER head...

of course they don't behave this way when I"m not around. It's some kind of jealousy for my attention. And I try and shower them with hugs and attention all day, so it's not like they are starved for a cuddle from me. And it's not that they "feel their sister's pain", they want me to stop comforting the hurt child and cuddle them.

I've tried igonoring the "non-hurt" child, which makes it worse. I've tried reasoning with the "non-hurt" child, explaining that their sister is hurt badly, and I will hug/cuddle them after she feels better. But with no luck, they get to hysterical, they are beyond the reasoning part. I've tried to have the "Non-hurt" twin, help her sister by getting the ice pack or encouraging her to pat her back,etc... but with no stop to the tears.

This is especially hard to deal with when we're in public and one is hurt, but I have two screaming crying children.

what would you do?

 

Mine don't do this but I think it may be because mine take on the other role when one gets hurt. They take on the "mommy" role. Have you tried giving her a way to "help" when her sister gets hurt? Talk to her during it and say something like "oh no, she fell down, do you think you can help me kiss it and make it better for her?" Or "Can you give her a hug to help her feel better?". Just a couple thoughts... I hope this passes for you soon!

 

I get the other one to help too. Help me by getting the band-aid, or kissing the owie, or getting an ice pack & helping to hold it in place. I find they always do better when they feel important & having a job helps with that. Overall, it is a normal phase they are going through and it will pass if you can just manage to get through it somehow! :hug:

 

I think it is just a phase that you are going to have to wait out. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, I think you just need to be very consistent and give them time.
If I were you I'd continue to explain to the non-hurt twin that you can't hug them right now because you are helping their sister, who is hurt. Offer them the chance to do something helpful ("Do you want to fetch her lovey/a plaster/give a hug?"). If neither of those things work to calm them down then I'd ignore them. They are basically having a tantrum because you are focusing your attention entirely on their sibling. If the non-hurt child is still screaming once the hurt child has stopped then I would say "Sister's name is feeling better now, so if you want a hug I will give you one when you calm down". Once they realise that all the screaming will not divert your attention from the hurt child they should begin to get better at waiting. Of course remember to really thank and praise them if they do wait without crying or try to comfort their twin.

Good luck, I hope the phase doesn't last too long!

 

My one son will also do this. He will actually bang/bump his head on the floor or table and then begin to cry when his brother gets hurt.

I know he's doing it for attention and I tell him that he's ok and that seems to work.

 

NO really good advise to you, my 18 months old started doing this too, and it's really frusturating.

 

YOu are not alone, mine do this too. When they were younger they would actually imitate what the hurt sibling did! Ex. one bumps their had on the floor and starts crying, so the other one will go and hit their head on the floor and start crying (they were both hurt at this point), so I just sat and cuddled both.
Now, they have gotten smarter, so when one gets hurt they start to cry and get hugs from me, then the other one starts crying/whinning that they are hurt, I usually stand up with the "really hurt child" and give them cuddles while the other one melts down at my feet. And, I keep reassuing both of them. Then when things have calmed down I talk to the "non-hurt child" and tell them that when they are hurt I give them cuddles, so when their sibling gets hurt they need that cuddle, and when I am done I can cuddle them all they want. Strangely enough this explanation has seemed to help a bit.
Another idea is to use dolls, show them how to take care of a doll when they get hurt, and role-play the "non hurt doll" waiting for a cuddle while helping their hurt sibling (hope that makes sense).

 

One of the boys does this and I haven't found anything to stop it or make it better. He will either claim to have the same injury or actually try to hit his head, bite his lip, etc. then proceed to scream louder and longer than the one that's actually hurt. Like yours, he doesn't want to help, he just wants the attention - and all of it.

I've not found a good solution, I'm just hoping the phase passes quickly.

 

Mine do this even if twin a was the one to cause the damage to twin b

 

Ava is BAD about doing this. Addison has had several ear infections and had to take antibiotics and Ava ALWAYS "needs" medicine too because she is so "sick" too. If Addison needs a band aid, Ava has to have one too. If I pick Addison up to comfort her for getting hurt or if she is sick, Ava HAS to be picked up too and will try to shove Addison out of the way. I am hoping it is just a phase but my 2 are almost 4 and Ava is still doing it. She wants all of the attention all of the time!! She has always been my demanding one!!

 

Thank you for the responses, I was thinking that my LO's were the only ones doing this and I must have done something to cause them to respond this way. I guess it's just a personality, they are both very jealous of each other.

I wish they were more secure in my love for them. Maybe that's why it upsets me so much, maybe I'm not making them feel like I love them individually or something. I tend to always blame myself for their behavior, instead of perhaps realizing some of it is just part of growing up with a twin.

No one except the parent of twins can realize understand these types of issues. I'm so tired of people saying, "oh, twins... they must play so nice together" even after I have told them that they are 2 1/2. HELLO... have you ever seen 2 year olds play together, none of them play well for very long, siblings or not!