one child rejecting DH

Pretty much from birth, Ivy has been Mommy's little girl and Andrew has been Daddy's little boy. They've always had these strong preferences. And we've always been stressed about it to some degree. We try to even things out, and we always have good intentions about each of us taking the "other" child out for some good one on one time - though in practice, life is always so hectic that it's only too easy to just let each of them gravitate to their favorite parent, because they're easier to take care of that way.

Anyway, recently Ivy has been doing stuff with DH that disturbs me. One morning she woke up and was yelling in her crib that she wanted a Mommy hug. DH went to her (I slept right through this). Usually she lets him get her up and take care of her with no problem, but she threw a fit and refused to get out of her crib until I got up - and she was sitting there hungry and thirsty, with a soaked, poopy diaper. It was probably a good 45 minutes until I woke up. DH offered again to take care of her, but she wasn't having it, so he just let her stay in her crib.

Another time, he just put his arm around her, and she screamed at him and told him in no uncertain terms that she did NOT want Daddy kisses, and didn't even want to look at him.

I'm at a loss. DH is an absolutely wonderful father, and takes care of the kids on his own plenty, so it's not like he's clueless or unfamiliar or anything. I really don't know how to handle this. Shrug it off and let her outgrow it? Create some time for DH to take her out (alone) for something special (and for me to have some nice one-on-one time with Andrew)? (Or would that be forcing it and make her even more uncomfortable?) Create more time for Ivy to have one-on-one time with me (=maybe she'll feel more secure if she gets her fix that way)? (Or would that only reinforce the problem?) So far I've just been telling her now and then that Daddy loves her as much as I do, and told her in a very low-key way that it hurts Daddy's feelings when she screams at him like that.

Any thoughts are welcome... :faint:

 

:hug: Holly

That is so hard!

We have the same situation with our ds with dh and dd with me. I also agree that life often gets in the way of our best intentions. We have 4 kids and I rarely get 1 on 1 with each of them.

I do think your dh did the right thing by not forcing himself on Ivy. At 3 y/o I do think they understand basic cause/effect and her choice was to be hungry for a while longer and endure a yucky diaper. Not anything that will harm her.

We do put our kids in time outs and they need to apologize when they are disrespectful to others, that would include yelling at one of us. I think basic respect is an important lesson. I do think some 1 on 1 time with your dh would help even if it is just a half hour to go get an ice cream or special treat together if time is an issue. It is normal to have a "favorite" parent so I don't see that changing but this more extreme behavior is hopefully just a stage that will pass with some time and patience.

My personal experience: since our role change (dh and I) dd has become more attached to dh (spending more time with him) (although still prefers me) and ds is much more affectionate and loving with me (absence makes the heart grow fonder?)(still perfers dh). Not sure how that really happened but is has been nice for both of us. Who knows what will happen now that we've reversed roles yet again.

 

This is a tough one. Our kids haven't had quite the same consistent preferences since birth, but they both tend to prefer me, and Amy tends to prefer me more strongly than Sarah does.

If Ivy is being extra vehement about it right now, keep in mind that it may not have anything to do with an actual change in her feelings towards DH -- it may be that this is just how she's choosing to demonstrate her independence and contrariness this week. This happens to be an area that she senses is very emotionally significant, so it makes a perfect opportunity for her to make a stink. I know that doesn't make it any easier to heal, but (for me at least) it helps to think of it that way, rather than as some deep Freudian issue or something.

DH and I have tried to enforce equal time with each parent as much as we can. We alternate putting the kids to bed each night, so if it's DH's turn to get Amy in her pajamas, read to her, etc., she does not get a choice about that. If she chooses to spend the whole time screaming, well, bummer -- she gets wrestled into her PJs and gets no stories that night. It also wouldn't be fair to Sarah if we always let Amy have her way, and Sarah got no mommy time.

With the small things, DH does keep his distance if that's what she seems to want. If he tries to talk to her and she says "No Daddy!" he will walk away. However, we will also point out that it hurts Daddy's feelings when she says things like that. I think that's important for her to understand.

Recently, we've started having more of an issue with outright nasty talk -- "Daddy is mean, Daddy is stupid, etc." (I get that too, but not as much.) For that, we do time-outs or other consequences. I think she has the right to tell Daddy to walk away if that's really how she feels, but no one has the right to intentionally say mean things about another person. So we talk sometimes about "Yes, you are angry at Daddy because you didn't want him to put your pajamas on and he did it anyway. It's OK to be angry. But it's not OK to call him stupid." (This gets through better now, at age 4.5, than it would have at your kids' age.)

Sorry so long -- I don't know if this is very coherent. Anyway, I would recommend creating opportunities for Ivy-and-Daddy time. I don't think that's "forcing" him on her -- I think it helps to create a bond. If she really continues to be miserable and screams for you through the whole thing, maybe it just isn't worth it right now -- but I'd be willing to bet that if Daddy took her to the zoo or something, just the two of them, she would decide soon enough that it was a good thing.

And it's also good for you to have one-on-one time with Ivy and DH to have it with Andrew. Basically, I think anything that helps them to feel more bonded and secure is good. I often have to remember, when my kids are being real pains in the neck, that perhaps they just need me to sit down on the floor and actually play with them for half an hour. I feel like I spend lots of time with them, but not that much of it is actually focused on them. And it does help, though I don't think there is any magic bullet to actually solve this problem.

 

If it were me, I wouldn't worry about it. We have gone through this phase a few times in this house. Usually it's one at a time but right now it's both, which is exhausting for me because daddy can't do anything for them right now when I'm around.

I'm with Alison, if there is disrespect shown, they are to apologize and use the right words. "I'm sorry daddy, please no kisses right now." Something like that. They can ask for me to do things for them, but they have to politely refuse daddy.

My dh is with my girls the two mornings I work. They are forced to have him help them during these hours and he tells me they are fine with him. So I know right now it's just a preference thing when I'm around. I'm confident we will get through it again because as I've said, it's not the first time. :good:

 

We went through this at 2. Both of the boys had a strong preference for me and his feelings were really hurt that they wanted nothing to do with him. I started pushing DH to come up with "special daddy things" that only he would do for them. He came up with several little things like hugs that included a lift up to touch the ceiling and he took over story time before bed. It didn't happen overnight but they soon learned to appreciate that mommy and daddy do things differently but daddy is fun too. It also helps when he spends more time with them so even though they won't like it at first, I'd make a point of taking alternating turns when you do one-on-one time.

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful replies. It's good just to hear that these preferences are normal. I was always a Mommy's girl growing up, but I always thought that was just because my father was a crazy scary dysfunctional parent. I've never been in a "normal" family to know the difference.

We'll definitely try to schedule some special one-on-one activities to (try to) make up for it. You're right, even a trip to the bakery for a muffin would probably be very good Daddy PR. :lol: And luckily (miraculously?) we haven't reached the stage of outright insults ("You're poopy"), but I am going to be a bit more firm about how she's allowed to express her, ahem, opinions.