One bully, one victim...constantly.

I have two 3yr old boys...fraternal.  DS1 is constantly beating the other up.  DS2 is always walking around with black & blue marks, goose eggs, and a constant fear of getting beat up.  I had DS1 evaluated by our local early intervention and he did not qualify for services.  They now are in a nursery program (on day 1, he whacked a kid with a block), and I am waiting for a teacher evaluation to appeal the county evaluation if necessary.  I have recently tried an elimination diet, taking away dairy, wheat, sugar and anything processed or artificial...but have not seen any marked improvements.  Food intolerances seem to be so 'new' and such a grey area that I am finding it hard to find someone local that deals with it. 
 
Does anyone have a twin that is always beating up the other twin?  How do you handle it?  Would you say it is extreme (all day long?  where they cannot be left alone?)? 
 
The even have to share a room, so at night I have been laying with each of them until they are asleep, otherwise DS1 will tackle DS2 in his bed and steal his covers, his blankie, torment him, etc. 
 
One on one DS1 is a hard working sweet heart, but together he is a monster.

 

Mine aren't quite as bad now but they were like this all day long at 1, and still have moments.

Your son sounds a bit like mine. I think my bully (I use that term loosely as when they were babies it was the other way around) tends to enjoy negative attention and gets frustrated that he can't do anything right so he just tries to be as naughty as he can.

When I am on my game (again, it's lessening for us) I try to do the following:
-Provide him time to shine individually. Like your boy, he's great 1:1.
-if he's in a vicious cycle of attacking, I'll take him upstairs away from the action and hold him. I tell him "I love you but I will not let you hurt x". He screams his head off and I encourage him to get it all out. Since he will NOT stop screaming until I calm him down I give him a while to scream (still holding him). Sometimes I hum, sometimes I sing quietly to keep my own anxiety away and focus on the fact that this is HIS temper tantrum and t does not need to change my mood. When he is calmer I ask if there is anything bothering him. He usually comes up with something completely out of left field like he wants to play a board game. :shrug: As long as he askes nicely I honor the request if I can. If he doesn't have a suggestion of something to do I direct him to an activity to stay away from his brother. Something like drawing, or helping me cook are successful.
-Lastly, find Celebrate Calm on FB. This guy has free tips and suggestions for calm parenting which for me is a huge challenge when one kid is hurting another.

 

Thank you very much for the reply! 
Today they went to nursery school (day #6) and I got my first call to come and pick him up, as he was hitting others non-stop. 
Ugh, I don't know if he needs a neurologist, nutritionist, psychiatrist, allergist or if we just need meds for me!

 

 
 
Gah. :hug: A child psychologist evaluation might be a good move just to rule out anything underlying.
 
Before school, he may need to get his energy out- how about an hour at the park before he goes to school? There's some research that shows it helps get kids in the right space to learn. 

 

Did the school give you some suggestions on how to deal with his behavior?  Have you spoke to his pediatrician?

 

Thank you both!  I have an appointment tomorrow with the pedi...a few months back I spoke with him about it, he suggested a book about difficult children.  Not the response I was hoping for.  However, since his behavior has gotten worse I am willing to check it out, I will see what he says tomorrow.  School suggested I make sure whatever discipline I choose, I stick to it in hopes that he will soon 'get it' and to also put his 'hitting hands' to work for good i.e. gardening, folding towels, etc.  I did bring him home today while his brother got to stay at school and play, that really upset him!
 
At school, they start with outdoor time, on the playground then for a hike in the woods and a roll down a hill...and they end with outdoor time back on the playground...so I feel he gets to burn his energy plenty.  They are also outside most days (even rainy or snowy) for hours when home (so much so that I now have to remind them to go potty inside-as they have both pooped outside a few times now!), we live in the country and have lots of chores outside, so we all spend a lot of time outside. 

 

My boy is not that way. But he is a strong boy. Sometime he just pats/touches his sis, but ends up hurting her. He got way better controlling his body power now lol, but still it happens sometimes...

About active level, different ppl/kids have different energy levels and require different activities. My son can run 2 miles, hike 3-5 miles, bikes 2-5 miles, swim for hours. He can do rock climbing well because his hands are so strong. Around 1.5 yrs old, he flipped over their indoor swing (heavy one).. If we dont do much, he becomes very aggressive!!! He constantly wants to do something.