One assigns the other her chores...

One of my daughters, Cricket, does not like to pick her toys up when asked, and she prefers to have other people go get her things than make the effort herself. She's not exactly lazy... it's more like she doesn't see the need to do anything if she can get someone else to do it for her. (gosh, I hate to even say that, but it's true) While I appreciate the fact that she doesn't always want to put her own boots away, or clean up the stuffed animals, or go get a sweater when she's cold, the problem is that she tasks her twin sister with doing that stuff. And Piper is usually willing to do it. But I hate to see one of my girls asking or telling the other to do her chores. Piper is actually starting to say no more and more, and that leads to Cricket whining and making a scene. But -- in just one example -- even if she's cold, she'll refuse to get her own sweater. She just waits until someone else does it for her. And when I task both girls with cleaning up their playroom, if I don't watch, Cricket will sit on the couch while Piper picks up.

So what do I do? I'd like to tell Piper that she's not allowed to do Cricket's work... but am I making a mountain out of something that isn't a big deal? Will this work itself out without me intervening? Or should I be talking to Cricket each time she issues an order so she realizes that the world doesn't work for her?

 

Do we have the same exact kids?! M is constantly telling A to do stuff for her. For toys, I've started saying to M "Well if A is the only one who picks up toys than she is the only one allowed to play with those toys tomorrow." So far she hasn't called my bluff, and she starts picking up her stuff. As for "A can you please get me my water/sweater/socks/etc?" I haven't handled that very well. Usually by the time I hear it, A is already halfway across the house getting it. Hopefully it will even itself out and maybe A will ask M or say no to M.

 

No, I don't think you are making it a bigger deal than it is. If that carried into adulthood, it would be a huge problem. And it does carry to adulthood for many people!

Personally, I would sit down with them both and explain that, when you ask them to do something, they are the one who is supposed to do it. So, the one should not be asking and the one should have permission to say, "Mommy said I wasn't allowed to do your chores." I would also implement some rewards that they can have when they complete their individual chores. So, if Piper is the only one who works, she is the only one who gets the reward.

If Cricket started to whine or complain about having to fulfill her responsibilities, I would also have consequences laid out for that. Around our house, their attitude is just as much a part of true obedience as the action of doing what they are told. They do not have to be happy and smiling, but they can not complain, whine, or make faces.

For us obedience means "Doing what you are told 1) RIGHT AWAY, 2) the RIGHT WAY, and 3) with the RIGHT ATTITUDE." And, yes, my kids have that definition memorized and we often act out both what it looks like to obey in each of those ways and what it looks like to disobey. They don't always do it, but they certainly know my expectations.

 

Cassie is our 'lazy boss' We have had several discussions about how it makes her sister feel when she is bossy and tells her sister what to do. I have also had to tell Holly to say NO, emphatically no. Now however I have the opposite problem, of Holly not wanting to do anything for Cassie, even when she can or should (like when homework needs to be done and Cassie 'forgot' her book, Holly won't let her borrow hers.



I think a happy medium is to make sure both understand that helping is one thing, as long as BOTH are helping each other. Demanding that A does all the work for B is not acceptable for either one. We are still working on making sure Cassie stops being quite so demanding and bossy, and that Holly is less compliant in just doing what her sister wants. A work in progress. Honestly I think some of it is their personalities, Cassie is a more dominant kid over all. And Holly is more likely to be a people pleaser.

The other thing I am doing more often is assigning a particular task to a particular girl, and something else to the other one.

 

I don't know that it's a big deal but it's probably something you want to address before it becomes one.

For things like putting her boots away or tidying up the playroom I would just keep a close eye and make her do her share. If she tries to ask Piper to do hers too then step in and say "Piper is putting/has put her boots away and you need to do yours". With tidying up you could try assigning specific tasks-eg "Piper can you put the puzzles back in their boxes, Cricket you need to pick up the stuffed animals."-and/or give a small reward when they are done cleaning up. (If you don't clean up you don't get the treat and if you get your sister to clean your share she gets two treats.)

As far as Cricket asking Piper to fetch her things I would actually let that go as long as she's asking politely not demanding it. I'll ask my sisters to get me things and they'll ask me, it's not a problem in itself. What I would work on is her reaction when Piper says no. She needs to learn that it's fine to ask but asking is just that and Piper has every right to say no, so I'd sit down and explain that to her and then reinforce it (by restating the 'rule') when the situation comes up. You may need to introduce a consequence for the whining and making a scene if she's very stubborn with it, quite possibly you backing Piper up ("Piper does not have to fetch you things if she doesn't want to. If you're cold then go and get your sweater yourself") and then ignoring her will be enough to curtail it.

Good luck.

 

I think twin-nanny hit it on the head. I'd like to add that maybe you could put up a reward chart where you list each of their chores and if they complete their chores, they get stickers. That way if Piper is the only one who cleans, she gets a sticker and reward faster. As for asking her sister to do things, I think it is allowable as long as it is polite. However, you need to discuss with Piper that she is allowed to say no and maybe role play with her how she can politely say no to her sister.

 

The angle that seems to work best for my kids is stressing the "fair" angle. Is it fair for both of them to make the mess and only 1 to clean it up? Is it fair for me to stop working to get everything you want? Questions like that seem to work well around here. My kids did have a bit of trouble with that until they got to kindergarten and indoor recess times. They figured out quite quickly that everyone liked playing the games but once the game was over it was no fun cleaning up by themselves. That's when the concept of "fair" for cleaning really clicked.

So you might start with a reward chart for now but start introducing the concept of "is it fair to _____ to have to clean up your toys". They'll have a lightbulb moment one day and get why you make them clean up after themselves.

Marissa

 

My daughter does this as well and we struggle with trying to get her to not be bossy. I don't like using the word bossy, because she isn't mean about it, but it still comes off that way. I love the suggestion of "is it fair". I think that will work with my kids. That and maybe I should finally start using that chore chart and stickers I bought 4 months ago.