Okay, need to vent - do you deal with this too????

How come everyone seems to think that they know what is best for my boys instead of me??? Both my mother and my MIL seem to think that I am doing everything wrong and it is really getting frustrating. It started in the hospital with my mother who did not understand why I wanted to wake up in the middle of the night to nurse my boys instead of "just letting the nursery take care of them" - she never breastfed and doesn't get that I need to establish good habits early on. She argues with me about my not wanting to give them a pacifier until about a month old, and likes to remind me that both me and my brother got formula and pacifiers and are just fine. I even gave her information from the lactation people to read about not causing nipple confusion the first few weeks with pacifiers and she refused to read it.

Now she thinks I feed them too much - every 3 hours!!! It's what the doctor suggested and is pretty much the standard for newborn twins, am I wrong here??? She told me I don't have to listen to everything the doctor says, they can be wrong. She told me to only feed them every 4-5 hours. My MIL says I feed them too much too. My mother also wants to take them overnight tomorrow and got upset because I tried to explain that I breastfeed them and can't let them go overnight just yet until I have some EB and even then I don't want to do that for a month, she told me not to be "one of those overprotective mothers" and that they won't die if I'm not around. In fact, the DAY we came home from the hospital I was visiting with my parents in the living room and one of them started crying, my mom said to just let him cry it out ... he was 5 days old!!! She told me not to get into the habit of checking on them every time they cry or they will get spoiled!!! So I checked, and of course he was wet and hungry. I told her that and she had nothing to say about that.

They are not even two weeks old!!!! And I'm breastfeeding!!! She told me to give them bottles of water with Jello powder in them to fill them up at night!!! THEY NEED TO GAIN WIEGHT, NOT TAKE IN EMPTY FLUIDS LIKE THAT!!!!! She also wanted me to pack both of them up and take them to visit my great aunt in a nursing home (read: germs), forgetting that A) I can't drive and B) can't lift anything over 10 pounds which includes the carseats/stroller, and she got mad that I didn't want to "let them out of the house."

I am still so hormonal and every time I talk to her it's something new that I'm doing wrong and if it happens again, I think I just might snap. And honestly, all her talk about letting them sit and cry and feeding them jello water and things makes me really think twice about leaving the boys with her, I can see myself laying down some ground rules for their care (no pacifiers, etc) and I can see her just ignoring them because she thinks she knows what's best.

OK, sorry so long but that felt better. I really don't want to snap on my mom, I love her, but she never breastfed and doesn't understand what it takes to successfully BF two newborns, and doesn't want to learn either, just likes to tell me everything she did when we were babies and how we "didn't turn out mental or anything."

 

How come everyone seems to think that they know what is best for my boys instead of me??? Both my mother and my MIL seem to think that I am doing everything wrong and it is really getting frustrating. It started in the hospital with my mother who did not understand why I wanted to wake up in the middle of the night to nurse my boys instead of "just letting the nursery take care of them" - she never breastfed and doesn't get that I need to establish good habits early on. She argues with me about my not wanting to give them a pacifier until about a month old, and likes to remind me that both me and my brother got formula and pacifiers and are just fine. I even gave her information from the lactation people to read about not causing nipple confusion the first few weeks with pacifiers and she refused to read it.

Now she thinks I feed them too much - every 3 hours!!! It's what the doctor suggested and is pretty much the standard for newborn twins, am I wrong here??? She told me I don't have to listen to everything the doctor says, they can be wrong. She told me to only feed them every 4-5 hours. My MIL says I feed them too much too. My mother also wants to take them overnight tomorrow and got upset because I tried to explain that I breastfeed them and can't let them go overnight just yet until I have some EB and even then I don't want to do that for a month, she told me not to be "one of those overprotective mothers" and that they won't die if I'm not around. In fact, the DAY we came home from the hospital I was visiting with my parents in the living room and one of them started crying, my mom said to just let him cry it out ... he was 5 days old!!! She told me not to get into the habit of checking on them every time they cry or they will get spoiled!!! So I checked, and of course he was wet and hungry. I told her that and she had nothing to say about that.

They are not even two weeks old!!!! And I'm breastfeeding!!! She told me to give them bottles of water with Jello powder in them to fill them up at night!!! THEY NEED TO GAIN WIEGHT, NOT TAKE IN EMPTY FLUIDS LIKE THAT!!!!! She also wanted me to pack both of them up and take them to visit my great aunt in a nursing home (read: germs), forgetting that A) I can't drive and B) can't lift anything over 10 pounds which includes the carseats/stroller, and she got mad that I didn't want to "let them out of the house."

I am still so hormonal and every time I talk to her it's something new that I'm doing wrong and if it happens again, I think I just might snap. And honestly, all her talk about letting them sit and cry and feeding them jello water and things makes me really think twice about leaving the boys with her, I can see myself laying down some ground rules for their care (no pacifiers, etc) and I can see her just ignoring them because she thinks she knows what's best.

OK, sorry so long but that felt better. I really don't want to snap on my mom, I love her, but she never breastfed and doesn't understand what it takes to successfully BF two newborns, and doesn't want to learn either, just likes to tell me everything she did when we were babies and how we "didn't turn out mental or anything."

 

My mother is the same way. And a warning, she does do things her way when she watches them. Including getting them hooked on pacifiers dipped in sugar or cake icing

Newborns do need to eat at LEAST every 3 hours if they are breastfed. At that age I was lucky to get them to eat every three hours, usually it was 1.5-2 hours. And a nursing home? No way, too germy.

 

If you start trying to please others with your parenting...you will never succeed! You are their mom and you KNOW what is best for them. I know it is hard to hear what other have to say but try not to let it persude you. Just let it go in one ear and out the other - she is trying to be helpful and ,though it doesn't seem that way, it is a blessing to have her involved. Keep strong and please DON"T Give Them Jello - that is the silliest thing I have ever heard!

 

All I can says is just say "thanks for the advice, I will take it into consideration." My twins are my 4th and 5th natural child and 6th and 7th if you count my step kids whom I bascially raised for many years.

Wait until you go out and people in the mall and such give you advice or tell you to hang in there because you will make it. Or, they will ask if they are natural twins or IVF.

My biggest bother is when everyone asks me what Charlie's REAL name is because it must be Charleen or Charlotte, etc. Nope...I named her what I wanted to "call" her.

As far as the pacifiers...and you can take this or leave it...my twins were born at 30 weeks 6 days and they got pacifiers in the NICU immediately to help develop muscles to suck and one of mine has to have physical therapy because her sucking is not too good. These are the only two of my kids that didn't like pacifiers that much and just didn't take to them and I don't push it. I offer...and if they don't like it...fine. In fact, one just started sucking her thumb.

Anyway...you have FAR too much to worry about anyone telling you what to do. Just feel sorry for them that they have to concentrate on you because they obviously don't have a life.

 

OH MAN!! Your Mom and MIL are pieces of work!!!

This is what I would do - I would tell them point blank (in a calm and nice tone) "It really hurts my feelings when you second guess every thing I do with my kids. I realize you've been through it, but times are different and things are different now XYZ years later. I would really appreciate if you would allow me to ASK for advice when I feel like I need it. I am going to listen to my Drs. until they tell me something that seems very abnormal and I need for you to respect that. I like my Dr. and I trust her/him. Please let me try doing some of this my way until I ask you for help. I love you and I appreciate your help with ______ , ______ and _______ ."

GOOD LUCK!!!

 

I'm sorry your mother is giving you issues - her and my MIL may get along well...

 

Sorry to hear you have to go through all of this after just having the babies. sometime I think all of our Moms just want to help and sometimes that is the only way they know how. Hopefully they will quit telling you this stuff and just let you do it your way.

 

A lot of moms like to tell us how THEY did it, and even though it is advice it CAN definately get very annoying, especially when they keep at it. But I have never heard of giving an infant jello water to me that just sounds crazy. If it's really as bad as it sounds, I would just tell them, politely (at first) that YOU are now a mom and you have your OWN ways of dealing with things and taking care of your babies.

We all learn through our own mistakes, but it sounds like you are doing a good job. Keep strong!!

Susan

 

I will quote you what I told my own mother and she only said a comment to me one time, but it hurt me so badly that I knew I wasn't going to let it slide.

First - let the tears start flowing...and if you are like how I was in those first few weeks that shouldn't be that hard.

Second - Tell her you love her.

Third - Tell her how important that BFing is to you.

Fourth - Tell her when she makes comments about how you should do things or how you aren't doing something right that it really hurts your feelings and makes you feel like you are failing at motherhood.

Fifth - Tell her that you really need her to be in your corner. Say something along the lines that you feel like everyone is against what you are trying to do and you need her protection and support.

Sixth - Tell her again how much you love her and then cry some more.

I think sometimes in their efforts to protect us and make things easier on us that moms and MILs do more harm than good. She is probably seeing your struggle and exhaustion and is really just looking for things to make it easier for her "baby". KWIM? Give her credit for wanting to help you, but let her know that you'll ask for advice when it's needed.

I hope this helps. And, MY advice to you ...vent away sista! You gotta get that crap out of your system somehow!

Shannon

 

Jello water and pacis dipped in icing?!?!

That's as bad as my MIL trying to feed my babies honey.

I'm sorry their not in your corner, just be strong -- I hate to say this, but their advice sucks! You're smart and you know it's bad advice. I like what Diane said. You need to set the ground rules now or they'll never respect you.

 

Wow, you're dealing with a lot from your mom and MIL. I really like what Diane said though and would have to encourage you to follow her advice. I have found that being direct and honest works really well and I sincerely hope it does for you too.

I also agree with one of the other gals that said your mom's advice is probably stemming from her desire to "help" out her baby and make life a little easier. Try to remember that when she's really getting to you. I hope though, that you'll be able to have a heart to heart and that she'll back off.

BF'ing is a lot of work, especially in the early months and hopefully her comments/advice are coming from her desire to make life easier for you. (for the record, I also believe that all her advice is way off base and am glad you aren't listening to it!)

It sounds like you're doing a wonderful job, keep it up.

 

How frustrating!! I'm so non confrontational, I just say "OK< thanks" and it's in one ear and out the other

You are doing everything right BTW. You are right about nursing every 3 hours. BF'ed babies need to eat AT LEAST 8-12x's a day, which translates every 2-3 hours.

Hang in there!

 

Wow I am with you all the way on this one! Stick to what you think is best sounds to me like you are doing a great job! You are there mother. I know mothers and mil's can be totally frustrating. But they are off there rockers! A nursing home-they are crazy. I would definently second guess leaving the babies with your mom at all at this point!

 

Go with your instincts. You sound like a great mommy! You know what's right for your babies, not them. Child caring is different than when they did it. My mother didn't breastfeed my 2 brothers or me. I think that she's jealous that I've breastfed all of my kids. When she heard that I had twins (she didn't find out until they were 5 months old, long story), she asked, "So, you're bottle feeding, right?" I proudly told her, "No, I'm breastfeeding." You need to tell them to back off and that they're not helping. Don't let them question your choices/actions as a mother. I think it's disrespectful.

 

Shannon or i4get was right. Tell your mom how you feel, show her your tears and fustration, get it out in the open. I had to with my mom and for me after the talk...things got better. She may not realize what affect her words are having.

You are the mom...sounds like you are doing a great job so stick with it!

Cindy

 

That is so irritating!!! You need to just cut them off whenever they get going. Hang up if you have to. Say something like, "It's a shame they didn't know all the amazing benefits of breast milk back then, but I'm so pleased they do now."

Formula fed babies don't have to eat as often (although I've never heard of a baby two weeks old going 4-5 hours between feedings). I used to get a ton of crap about how big my daughter was in the 9-12 month range... but then she stayed that same weight for a year and thinned out. Babies don't overeat. PLEASE!

You are absolutely on the right track. You should be feeding on demand at that age, simple as that. Since breast milk is better designed for babies, they digest it faster.

All that is really besides the point. My experience has been that everyone in that generation thinks they know better than we do about raising babies just because they've done it. Hmm... I wonder if they've learned anything new in the past 2-3 decades. Maybe? DUH!

My mother actually told me a story that SHE thought was funny about how my grandmother slipped my baby cousin some cereal in her bottle at bedtime so she would sleep through the night. I told her straight up if anyone ever pulled THAT stunt with one of my kids, they wouldn't be coming near their bottles. That is so not funny for so many reasons: it shows lack of respect for the mother's wishes, it's well established newborns should not be getting cereal, and it poses a choking hazard. But it all goes to the same point that certain grandmothers think they know better than we do. They don't. Those are your children, and you need to make it clear right from the start that you will raise them on YOUR terms, not theirs. They can make their point ONCE about disagreeing. After that, make it clear you won't be harassed over and over again about it.

 

My father was very pro-formula, too. I just let your MIL and mother know that you intend to breastfeed, have discussed it with doctors and experts and are confident you can make it work. If they continue, just let them know politely that it's not open for discussion and if they keep at you, just say something like, "well, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree" and leave it at that. Sometimes there's just no pleasing other people.

I'm sure in their minds they're trying to help you out, but they obviously cannot see that they're undermining your maternal instincts instead. I also find that sometimes older parents / grandparents forget what the newborn stage is really like -- they always seem to think of babies as older than that and advise accordingly.

Like the pps have said, trust your instincts. It sounds like you're doing everything right! Just believe in yourself and if you have questions, as your pediatrician or others who are like-minded and go from there. You're doing a great job, Mama!!!!

 

First, I am a high risk pregnancy and and pediactric dietitan. What you are doing as far as feeding is perfect. Don't let them tell you you are doing wrong. Tell them a dietitian told you that what you are doing is right (I don't know if that will help). the 4-5 hour thing is fine for formula fed babies, but breastfed babies usually take less at a time and it is digested quicker, thus they need to be fed more often. Long term this is good because it promotes eating less at a time and more often throughout their entire lives!

The jello water thing kills me. I have heard that before also. Those babies I follow who's parents do that usually are smaller than they should and end up with developmental delays.

What is wrong with being a protective parent. Our oldest child is six and he has never spent the night away from us.

It is not your hormones - go with what you feel is right! They raised their children - if they really want to raise another child they can look into adoption and leave you alone (can you tell I have heard my own share of, "You are doing it wrong!")

Keep up the good work!

Angel

 

Oh Dear!! How difficult this all must be for you.
You're doing a great job being a good mommy to these babies. Keep telling yourself that you're doing exactly what you should. You know what's best for you and your babies.
I have told my mother that if it's not something she thinks it life-threatening dangerous I really don't want to hear her opinion on things. She can enjoy seing the babies but I am the one raising them. I see no point in debating every difference of opinion and really don't want to know what she did raising me and my brother. Like we're the perfect example anyway.
I wouldn't want my babies to have a sleep away unless I absolutely had to be somewhere else. The hassle of expressing etc is too much. Also, I like them being near.
Hopefully things will settle down and the second guessing will stop. Hugs!!

 

quote:
Originally posted by Gabe, Evie, Allison, and Elouise's mama:
They raised their children - if they really want to raise another child they can look into adoption and leave you alone (can you tell I have heard my own share of, "You are doing it wrong!")

Keep up the good work!

Angel


Hahah! I just might steal that one if I ever need to put certain people in their places...

 

Feeding them too much?!?! My babies are formula fed and they STILL eat every 3 hours! Sometimes they'll go longer but generally only if we're in the car or something and we can't feed them till we get home.
Grandparents do things the way they know how lots of times and depending on what it is I let it go. My parents and In-laws both like to give DD water to drink because she cries when she poops (she's not constipated, she just cries, pedi has examined her). MIL also uses powder on my babies when she changes their diapers, I don't use powder, we're an ointment house. These are relatively harmless things so wwhile I find them a little annoying I let it go. Your mom and MIL are trying to undermine your parenting skills and basically contradicting the basic rules of childcare as we are taught by our pedi's.
Just because our parents did things a certain way doesn't make it right, I mean I sat in the back of a '73 Plymouth Fury with no carseat or booster seat or SEATBELT when I was 3 years old!! Every time we went off an exit I would fall off the seat onto the floor. This was perfectly acceptable and legal back then, these days my parents would be arrested! Do things your way and just let them blab on and tell them that you won't leave them alone with them until they care for them YOUR way.

 

quote:
Originally posted by Trillian:
MIL also uses powder on my babies when she changes their diapers, I don't use powder, we're an ointment house. These are relatively harmless things so wwhile I find them a little annoying I let it go. Your mom and MIL are trying to undermine your parenting skills and basically contradicting the basic rules of childcare as we are taught by our pedi's.
Just because our parents did things a certain way doesn't make it right, I mean I sat in the back of a '73 Plymouth Fury with no carseat or booster seat or SEATBELT when I was 3 years old!! Every time we went off an exit I would fall off the seat onto the floor. This was perfectly acceptable and legal back then, these days my parents would be arrested! Do things your way and just let them blab on and tell them that you won't leave them alone with them until they care for them YOUR way.


By the way, I do believe they say that using powder is harmful, so you might want to do some research on that.

And that is so true about the different attitudes then. My parents would smoke in the car with all windows rolled all the way up. Hello? Real healthy!

 

Wow, I'm gonna call my mom right now and thank her for being so supportive! Fortunately, my twins are the youngest of 9 grandkids, 13 if you count stepgrandchildren. My mom knows things have changed a LOT!

My stepsister, who has children closest to my children's age, gave me advice about something she did differently. I told her I appreciate it, but just because I do it different doesn't mean it is wrong. Ironically, we use the same pediatrician. He actually told me I was in the right. My stepsis is a dr. and so is her hubby, so they sometimes "self medicate" or don't take their kids to the ped. when they are sick. BTW, that irks the ped. to no end!

JUST BECAUSE IT IS DIFFERENT DOESN'T MEAN IT IS WRONG!!!!!! Things have changed a lot in childcare, nutrition and medicine. Stick to your guns mama!

 

I so agree in the advice to show your frustration and tears and talk it over with all the parties that are giving you a hard time. In addition to that, I think sometimes moms and MILs are feeling their roles change when you give birth. I think they feel themselves growing older and wonder how they will be relevant in your family's life. I think they need to be needed, KWIM? If there is something you can find when they are there to keep them busy...sometimes even if its something you want to do for your little ones, like giving their bath that night or something similar...let them. You'll have plenty of chances and it will mean alot to them. I speak from tons of experience on this subject. It can make all the difference in the world in your relationship with these folks.

Having said that...anything safety related or respect related must be nipped in the bud and quickly. You sound like you're doing a great job. And I commend you so much for sticking to your guns about breastfeeding. I didn't and I regret it every day. Good Luck and I hope things smooth out for you.

 

You poor thing! How awful to have to deal with all of that in their first weeks! My boys were in the NICU for 3 weeks, and they not only ate every 3 hours then, they still do now. It is completely normal, especially since they are being breast fed, to eat that often. Some babies like to nurse more often than that. Also, bless you for getting up to feed them during the night and not just letting the nursery take care of them. I look at is as, if I wanted to have someone else take care of my children, I wouldn't have had any. I know that it is easier said than done, but, please try not to let them get to you. Do your best to just block them out. The thing with the jello is just crazy, no offense to your mom. And the thing with letting them cry it out too. I still don't let my babies "cry it out" and they are 3 months old. You have no idea how many times I have walked into their room when they were crying and they had spit up all over themselves, had an arm or leg caught in the slots of the crib, were too hot/cold, etc. I don't call it spoiling them to check on them, only if you pick them up every single time they cry, then maybe, but, checking them isn't hurting anything.
Stay strong and hang in there!

 

Kendra, I am sorry that you are going through this right now!!
I havn't even had my babies yet and EVERYONE in my family
has made comments like - you are not going to breastfeed twins are you? and advice on how to bottle feed -
I apparently can't do the right thing and mine aren't born yet - I cannot imagine the stupid comments I will get once they are!!!
bless your heart - you are their mother -you know what is best for YOUR babies!!!

 

Howdy there,

Wow, sounds like you have your hands full with the M and MIL, If you read books on breastfeeding like I did, you probably read about the women who were threatened by breastfeeding because they did not do it themselves. Since these folks happen to be your mom and MIL, so that's especially hard.

Bottom line, very few people will understand why you are breastfeeding and how committed you may be to the subject. Almost all of my friends were long-term breastfeeders, however, they all have told me that supplementing with formula is fine if you need it... I just don't agree and am surprised that they are so adamant about it.

breastfeeding twins is a feat in itself (my kids are 4.5 months old and have only ever had breastmilk -- even after a bout with jaundice on one son...) and you should feel PROUD of yourself for taking it on, KNOW that it's the best nutrition you can provide your kiddos, and BE EMBOLDENED that you know BEST for your kids.

I guess my best advice is to get thicker skin, cause as time goes on, you'll see even more pressure from these folks and possibly others. if you just laugh and don't take their comments seriously, you'll do much better. You can always (at least with your MOM) tell her that breastfeeding is important to you, and that alone should be enough fo rher to cut you some slack on the comments -- as they may not be meant to be hurtful, but come across that way.

I feel for you and hope you just keep doing what you're doing and figure out a way to ignore those people around you.

Cheers and keep up the good work!

Teri D