Off topic late night fear fest

I'm just writing this out here as I can't sleep, and you guys have been so amazingly understanding throughout this pregnancy, it just feels good to have a place where you can voice your fears.

I think I've said something about this before. I honestly can't remember. But before I found out I was pregnant I had a smear test, when I was 6 weeks gone I got a call telling me that I had something called dysplacia III, or stage three pre-cancerous changes in the cervix.

This they stressed was not cancer, but could progress into one if nothing was done, so I was urged to have a colposcopy. I was extremely upset at the time, I had gone through a very traumatic miscarriage just a few months before and the thought of any invasive testing this early in the pregnancy, I just couldn't do it. So after talking to the doctors about it, it was decided that we would wait until after the babies were born. And I would have the colposcopy after that, more than likely followed by a LEEP or a cone biopsy.

Now I've been really good playing the ostrich throughout the past months, i.e. sticking my head firmly in the sand and trying not to worry about it (what would be the point of that anyway, as there is nothing that can be done). But now as the due date is drawing ever closer, I'm becoming more and more scared.

Maybe it's the hormones, maybe I have too much time to think, the responsibility of impending motherhood becoming all too real. But I have to admit I am terrified. I'm used to be worried about the babies, but now all of a sudden it's just come crashing down on me with a vengeance that I might not be ok. I don't know how the pregnancy will have affected these cells, nobody will know until they can do another smear, which won't be until 6 weeks after the birth, but the fact that it will be almost a full year since I had the first smear until they can actually do something about it, is a bit disconcerting.

I know you guys don't have any answers, and like before, all I can do is wait and see and deal with whatever fate has in store. I just needed to get it out, write it out, admit that I'm scared to people I know will understand. I'm realistic enough to know that the chances of these changes reverting back to normal are very very slim, so all I'm hoping is that they'll be able to do the procedure that burns all those nasty cells away and that will be the end of it and I can focus on my babies.

Ok vent/fearfest/selfpity rant over. Just keep your fingers crossed for me please ?

 

My fingers are crossed...and my toes too.

 

I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you and hoping that you'll be able to have some peace of mind through this really tough time. Though your situation is not identical, I have a good friend/neighbor who just went through something very similar to you. She has fought cervical cancer for years, and struggled with infertility/miscarriages for 6 years before conceiving her daughter who was born 3 months ago. She also put off treatments during her pregnancy, and fully expected to have to battle it all again right after her delivery...but miracles happen and she currently has a clean bill of health. Don't give up hope. You've already got 2 miracles going for you right now, who's to say you don't have a third around the corner?! I will be praying for you. Stay strong!

Reyna

 

Disa - this is NOT a self-pity fest. Sorry you are going through this, and it is perfectly understandable. Here are my two cents: the hormones are making this much worse, so the best thing I think you can do is focus on thinking positively. I don't mean that you ignore the possibility that you might end up needing a procedure, but - focus on HEALTHY cells, a clean bill of health, the birth of your healthy twins.

Whatever one's religious/spiritual beliefs, there is a huge amount of evidence that positive thinking (it sounds so Rah Rah!) has a significant effect on medical outcomes.

I have found throughout this pregnancy when i had some pretty bad scares (at 18 weeks we got some test results that indicated that i had either a liver/ovarian tumor, or the babies had TERMINAL kidney or skin diseases, and we were going to have to make a decision about whether to terminate at 21 weeks!!!), when I focus on the scary stuff, there is a terrible cascade effect, but when i find myself falling down that rabbit hole, if i CONSCIOUSLY drag myself out and focus on a good outcome, that i am able to function much better.

I don't mean to be preachy (or make it sound like i'm Ms. Positive ALL the time), and this is a great place to come and share your fears. Good for you for not hanging out all alone in the dark and scary place.

 

Disa,

I had the same thing about 6 yrs or so ago..I had a pap, the doc called told me the same thing..I was soooo scared cause female cancer runs so high in my family..So i had to go in and have the colposcopy..Which wasnt that bad..they inserted a camera so the doc could see on a t.v. what he was doing..he cut away the cancerous lesions off my cervix..Took maybe 20 mins..When he was done he said he got it all, but didnt mean it wouldnt come back...Well 6 yrs later and 3 pregnancy's later..NOTHING...So think postive...It will all work out..

 

Disa,
I don't by any means want to down-play your worries, but just wanted to let you know I've been through the same thing with the cancerous cells on my cervix. I was also a Level III (I want to say it goes to IV). But anyway, I had the LEEP procedure done and all was fine. I've never had another abnormal pap. That was 11 years ago. It is most often a virus that causes this cell growth, HPV. You would really have to neglect your health for this to turn into full blown cervical cancer. Please try not to fret. I'm sure you made the correct decision (to wait), considering that you are pregnant. Hang in there, I hope all goes well for you.

Jennifer

 

I just wanted to send you hugs and lots of support. I also had dysplasia a few years ago and had cryotherapy to freeze my cervix and get rid of all the cells there. It was a scary time and I wasn't pregnant so I am sure that makes it much worse. Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts.

Traci

 

I had the same thing years ago - had the colposcopy and everything was fine - I think 80-90% of biopsies are benign. But I know it must be stressful to wait. I had a mammogram in July that needed 6 month followup but of course by then I was pregnant so I'll need to wait a year just to make sure everything is okay. It's nerve-wracking but I try to focus on the fact that they are being very cautious and many times everything turns out just fine. You shouldn't feel bad at all for having worries.

Good luck and I hope everything goes well for you.

--Krista

 

Disa,
One thing I forgot to mention during my previous post; the first time I had my cervix checked when I was pregnant with my first child my OB looked up at me and asked "have you had your cervix frozen?". I told him about the procedure I had had done 8 years prior. I asked him how he could tell, and he said that I had scar tissue on my cervix. He said it could affect the rate at which I dilated during labor, but probably nothing major.

All that to say if this procedure would affect the cervix in a way that a different OB, 8 years later, could detect scar tissue, then I definately wouldn't want to have it done while I was preg. By the way, the procedure itself is very simple and painless, I had virtually no "recovery" time. The biopsy itself was a little uncomfortable, menstrual like cramps. But other than the unpleasant discharge and bleeding (but not heavy), there was not much to it.

I hope your hormones are agreeing with you today!

 

Gosh, I always tell everyone that no matter what comes up there is always someone on TS who as been there and understands. TS never lets me down!!

I don't have any personal experience but I do have everything crossed for you!

 

You girls are so amazing !!!! thank you