Not sure how to title this...

Now that things are slightly slowing down (slightly, the girls are 3.5 mos old) all of my anger at my OB and the NICU is coming back. I'm not sure if I ever posted stuff here about my OB/delivery, but suffice to say that my OB was verbally abusive the entire time, forced me to induce and was basically a complete a-hole. Well, my crappy doctor obviously only has admitting rights at a crappy hospital, so my 36 weekers were in NICU for feeding issues created by the NICU, for a needlessly long amount of time, with crappy nurses because they were so low-care, archaic policies etc etc.

Anyway, I just watched a 5 second clip of a mom holding a brand brand new baby and I just had this pang, that I missed out on something, that the girls first few weeks are a complete blur, that I was forced to run back and forth from the hospital postpartum, that my older daughter really suffered from everything going on, that I didn't even see my babies till they were 8 hours old and couldn't hold them till the next day, etc etc etc. The whole bonding thing was (and kind of still is) really tough.

I truly believe if my OB hadn't forced me into the pitocin I would have held them in for at least a week more. Then we could have gone straight home. And of course, I'm killing myself for not standing up to him and just leaving the hospital (although I almost 100% would have ended up with a C section). And for not doing more research on the NICU. And on and on...

Is this a normal post NICU feeling? Has anyone else experienced this? Do I just sound like I need therapy? (lol). Help!

 

Hi Miriam, I don't know how to say how I still feel about the NICU, I guess if I had the time to think about it, yes my anger issues would surface, yes I still tear up every time I see a humidicrib, the feeling of hopelessness while I lie in maternity, one daughter 2 levels up, the other who I only saw for 5 minutes (and didn't see again until day 5) across the other side of the city, the fight to get her home because they didn't have enough staff to feed by mouth, instead of too busy nurses who fed by tube and the constant battle to speak to someone, anyone who could just tell me when I could take her home! The sheer impracticality of travelling to two hospitals twice per day sometimes, an hour plus drive to each not to mention, the subsidised parking which came through two days before we took her home...!

So, yes I understand. But I have also had to let it go, because there is so much going on every day, that I need to keep myself sane. I do though wish I had prepared myself for a NICU stay, I honestly believed that my babies would not end up there hahaha, how wrong was I?

in terms of what you can do about your feelings, it depends on how strong your feelings are and how they're affecting your daily life. I'm not averse to therapy so it's always my first stop when dealing with difficult feelings.

Sorry this is so long but HTH in some way, there's also the NICU forum, I got some wonderful support there when I was dealing with all this.

 

:grouphug: Miriam.

I think a lot of ladies in here can relate to your sadness and mourning for your birth experience and NICU time. My girls are almost two and a half and I still have twinges of jealousy of a "normal" experience. I do get choked up when I look at pictures of them when they were born. But I also am very proud of them for being so strong and I am proud of my husband and I for pushing through that time.

Like Tas, I wouldn't hesitate to seek counselling if you feel that your sadness and anger might be related to PPD. I think that the hormonal changes that occur after delivery are compounded by a rough delivery experience and NICU stay. There is nothing wrong with the way you are feeling.

You deserve to be able to focus on the present with your children. Come here (and to the NICU forum) to share your experience. Talk to us as much as you need to- that's why we're here! But don't hesitate to ask for help from a professional if you think for a moment that you need it.

 

I'm posting kind of quickly so I didn't read the other replies. I just wanted to point out that I didn't feel the anger you feel, but I do feel like I missed out on some important bonding time with our boy. Our girl was fine, he was the only one in the NICU, and it was in another city 40 minutes away. I always, even now, feel like I bonded more in the beginning with our girl since she was with me the whole time. NOt saying I love one more than the other, just that I didn't actually "meet" my son till 2 days after he was born (I saw him shortly after birth, before they took him). I had to get to know him, and he was in the NICU for almost 3 weeks (also feeding issues mainly), so it was kind of weird when he came home and we now had TWO small babies to take care of. I had gotten used to it just being our girl. I don't know if you need therapy, but I know that for me it helps a TON coming here and knowing there are so many other moms like me who have experienced the same things. For me, coming here is sort of a therapy for me!

 

Thank you so much everybody!! It's good to hear I'm normal! The whole delivery experience was really horrible, I had flashbacks and trouble sleeping for a few days afterwards, until I got out of the hospital and life got too busy. It's coming back now, which really bothers me. One of these days when I have the time (haha), I'm going to my OB's office to yell at him. :aggressive: :aggressive: :aggressive: I hate it that I owe it to him that I didn't have a c-section (my baby A was frank breech--any other doctor would have sectioned me). Then all the fear and stress when my girls were in NICU...

It's not really interfering with my life, but I've never been a person who could 'shut off' her brain easily and just go to sleep, and falling asleep has gotten extra hard again. I guess I will see if I can just get over this hump and if not, I will consider therapy. It's definitely not PPD, I'm not worried about that, thank G-d. Just now I have a little bit of breathing room, so I have time to think...

Anyways, thank you for the support. I have my birth story semi typed out, maybe I will finish it off and post it here for some therapeutic support. Really, thanks guys :grouphug:

 

Im no expert but flashbacks sound like PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) which sounds reasonable given your situation :hug:

 

Big hug to you. You are completely normal for having lingering emotion over your birth story. You are also not alone in having that emotion rear its ugly head when you least expect it - even after you thought it was gone.

I never was angry at the NICU or our medical staff, but my birth/emergency c-section/NICU experience was VERY emotionally taxing for me. In fact, for months afterward, when someone I knew would go into labor, it would stir anxiety and a flood of prayers sent from my direction. When a friend texted that her twins were coming early, I broke down and cried. It was like I was reliving my girls' birth through her girls' birth. I had to get all my information about their birth (which was just fine with no NICU time) from DH because I couldn't bring myself to ask until I knew all was well.

Somewhere around the end of the first year and definitely in the second year, I thought I had made peace with it. I didn't think about their birth, and insted focused on the fun stuff - first steps, counting teeth, words, etc. BUT, now that I am pregnant again and nearing my due date, a lot of that emotion is stirring up again. I also have wondered if I needed therapy, but instead I pour my heart out in these forums - which seems to help. So, I have no answers for you, but instead offer a sympathetic ear from someone who thinks they can relate and give the opinion that you're normal to me.

 

Thank you ArizonaTwins! I really appreciate the support!
CheeseWhiz- yes, I know

 

It's a year later and I still have ill-feelings about my delivery. I KNOW that it was because of my Dr. losing patience with me that I ended up with a c-section. I agree with ArizonTwins in that it hurt every time I learned of somebody else having a baby and it hit me all the more so if the person had a c-section. I had the urge to go to my doctor to yell at him and ask him why he didn't try anything else, or why he misread the ultrasound, but in the end, I didn't. I just feel as though it wouldn't be satisfactory and it wouldn't accomplish anything. It would just continue to stir up the feelings I have (anger, self-doubt, feelings of failure etc). It is completely normal to have the feelings you have especially with all your hormones still raging.

Next time around I will be using a midwife instead/in addition to an OBGYN, because I just don't trust that the doctors are really in it for what's best for the patient, they just want to make their money and get home in time for dinner (or in my case breakfast). I wrote down my birth story and will eventually be posting it on my blog: www.honestpreggo.com. Writing is cathartic, so make use of it, and definitely do not feel bad about your feelings, but do seek counseling if you feel as though it would be helpful for you.