not loving motherhood

My boys are three weeks old, and I am just not enjoying motherhood at all. I feel like the only time they are happy is when I am nursing, which is painful and not going well despite the Lll and lactation consultants. They scream a lot in the evening and night, and I can't comfort them. I tryu, but walking/rocking gets painful fast from my c/s, and then they smell the milk and get even more riled up. My husband has been doing everything for them, and seems like such a natural. I just feel like a failure. Then I get so sad that I'm not enjoying them and missing out on these first days and that I'm a bad mother.
I talked to my therapist this morning and she thinks I'm just overtired, but that doesn't make it any better. Especially at 3 am when one is screaming with no end in sight and my boobs are killing me.
I know people said it would be a rough 6 months/year. But I feel numb and can't imagine "getting through" their first year without stopping to enjoy it at all. It breaks my heart.

 

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but you will get through this!

There is a few things going on in your household right now. Babies tend to cry, sometimes even for hours at night (after five). It's the witching hours. It'll probably last for a few weeks/months. It's not something you do, or don't do. It's just is.

I also have a feeling they may not get enough milk. When you're tired, your milk supply can drop. Even with the best effort. I'm sure your consultant can give you great advice how to increase your milk supply so your babies would be more satisfied in between feedings, not just when you are actually feeding them.

Your husband may seem a natural to you, because his body has not carried two babies for months, hasn't given birth and now does not have all those crazy hormones. You MUST be overtired. But definitely not a bad mom! Give yourself some credit. Having twins is very hard!

Try to encounter some help and get some rest. You are a good mom! You care and try to do the best you can! :grouphug:

 

The first few weeks are hard! It is an adjustment for everyone in the house. You are not sleeping well, the babies are up at all hours, your hormones are all over the place...I agree with PP, get rest when and where you can. I also agree about the witching hour, my kids went through that between 5pm to 8pm and I think it lasted a month in our house. My DH and I dreaded those hours.
I think it is good that you are talking to your therapist. I know it helped me greatly when my kids were born to have my therapist to talk to. She really helped me put things in perspective and not to be so hard on myself.

Don't beat yourself up! You are a good mom! Once you start getting into a routine and getting better sleep (and those witching hours get better)...you will find it more enjoyable! :hug:

 

Hang in there! It does get easier. Do you have family or close friends who can help? My parents stayed with us for the first 3 weeks, and I have no idea how we would have done it without them. I remember not wanting to hold or feed my babies b/c it was so overwhelming. Things got much better for me when I gave up trying to breastfeed. I had a lot of complications (my uterus didn't contract, 2nd surgery, lost a lot of blood & flu all in the first 3 weeks) and on top of that bf was PAINFUL and they weren't getting enough milk. I did the whole nine yards: lactation consultants, pumping, etc... I had assumed my whole life I would bf, so it was very difficult to make peace with the decision to stop. In the end, I decided my sanity was worth more to my babies than my breast milk. They are 4.5 months, healthy as can be, and I have never second guessed my decision. I think I cried everyday until I quit (around 3 weeks). You will figure out what works for you and how to cope. Having 3 week old twins is HARD. You ARE overtired! We all were with 3 week old babies! When I left the hospital my OB said to me, "remember, sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture." Now we know why! But if you feel like there is more to it than that, maybe there is. Maybe talking to your OB would help too - they are trained to watch out for postpartum depression. I'm sure you're doing a great job!

 

I agree with all PP's! I remember the 3 week mark (my girls are 11 weeks today) and I felt very much the same as you! I don't think anything (or anyone for that matter) can prepare you for the sleep deprivation and hormonal shifts.. not to mention that you just finished an extremely taxing pregnancy- more so than a singleton mom. Again.. it does get better! Sooner than later! Ditto on checking with your OB for PPD- from what I hear it is extremely treatable! And I am in the same category as the last poster with things getting better for us when I stopped breastfeeding.. we tried for about 2 months and I always assumed that I would breastfeed until the end of the first year.. it was an extremely hard decision for us but I remember sitting on the couch one night trying to feed my girls and all 3 of us were crying.. I thought "now this is not what breastfeeding is supposed to be like"- my girls had failure to thrive, so I had a very hard time not supplementing even when the ped said it was okay not to... I pumped as much as I could instead. I know many people make breastfeeding work, but I finally came to the decision that I needed to do what was right for us and at that point that was what was right for us.

 

Everyone is saying exactly what I would say to you. I remember the first few weeks I would call my sister crying saying "i'm a terrible mother becuase I'm not enjoying this time with my babies". But, everyday got better (and still does) and I got the help that I needed. I requested it! For the first 2 months I had someone here in the morning and afternoon.

The hormones are unreal after birth! I went to my doctors because I was convinced I had PPD for I cried all the time! But it was just the hormones, lack of sleep and being overwhelemed. I pumped for the first 2 months and then BF for the next two months once they finally got the latch down and SOME milk came in. They got sick at 4 months and stopped latching completely and I, like the previous post, one night was tandem feeding the kids and we were all crying....it just didn't work for us. I had ALL intentions on BF for as long as I could, but it was killing me and the stress was unbeleivable! I'm NOT saying give up on your BF....it was just my experience. Ever since the 4 month mark, things are just more enjoyable and I am convinced that you will soon enjoy your babes.

Having twins is very hard and you are doing a wonderful job! BIG HUG!!!

 

What everyone else said. Three weeks is killer and was my breaking point. But the good news is that around 4-5 weeks, you get used to being up all night long. You're still tired all the time but your body just gets used it to so it's not as miserable as the first three weeks.

I hated hearing it when mine were that old but it gets better and you will get through it! I went to BRU by myself when mine were 2 weeks old and met a lady with 6 month old twins. That seemed soooo far away and I couldn't imagine how I was going to make it but here we are! Almost 6 months and life is so much better.

Sounds like you have a great hubby. It's all about survival right now. Don't focus too much on being the perfect mommy and having the right amount of cuddle time with each, etc. Just keep feeding and changing diapers and time will pass and you will feel better.

 

Hang in there momma! Those first few weeks/months can be a HUGE BLUR, you are basically in SURVIVAL mode...so don't feel bad about what you are going through. Just hang in there, and just like the PP's, you WILL get through this!

:youcandoit:

TM :hug:

 

You are doing great!!!! I can honestly say that I don't remember the first 2-3 months AT ALL. I look at the pics of my twinkies and I can't believe they were that small b/c I DON'T REMEMBER :laughing: Even with a great DH and other help, there is A LOT of pressure being the mom. Some of it we put on ourselves and some is just there b/c let's face it being a mom is the best but hardest job EVER.

About BF. I can't tell you what to do and other posters have very strong views both ways but know that it is wonderful to keep going if that is what you decide but it is ok to stop too. You have to make that decision for yourself. Not someone else, not the lactation consultant etc. There is so much pressure associated with BF, it is totally unfair. I expressed for 2 months but supplemented with formula. It was getting ridiculuos and I stopped. That was right for me.

GL and you'll survive... promise :clapping:

 

You are normal and so are they.

Babies have tons of growth spurts in the first 6 weeks which can make them fussy until your milk gets up to speed. Everytime they get super fussy/hungry, just put them on. I know it's a lot. I know it feels like you NEVER have someone off you. But. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. 1 day at a time. They will get efficient, you will heal from possibly poor latches in the beginning & after a while (about 6 weeks for me) my breasts got numb-ish to breastfeeding. It's such a steep learning curve for both you and the babies.

You have a ton of hormones coming down from giving birth. It's normal to cry. I averaged every day, but then I'm a crier when I'm not coming down from pregnancy.

My DH hadn't really been around newborns and took to it like a duck to water, too. I had a REALLY fussy baby who my DH could calm in 5 minutes but I'd sit with for 3 hours while he screamed. I felt like such a crappy mom- I'd babysat before, done church nurseries, loved babies. But I couldn't comfort this kid at first. Around 3 weeks it seemed like he got worse- that's when I gave up dairy in my milk to see if it would help. It did drastically within 5 days.

If you can get people you trust to stop by for a couple of hours, feed the babies and go take a nap. :grouphug:

 

:hug:

3 weeks is hard, but it WILL get better. I remember feeling like I was never going to be able to leave the house, let alone the couch! The fatigue is incredible, but you will adjust. I also remember feeling guilty for not enjoying it. But, you know what? It's freaking hard work and not every moment is going to be filled with sunshine. Tears are part of the journey, there are many smiles to come. :hug:

 

Oh honey I hope you listen to everything the pp's have said, because all I can do is repeat it all!

You WILL get through this! :youcandoit: But try not to be supermom in the process right now! Send hubby to the store for some paper plates, cups, napkins and plastic silverware. Swear off of dishes and cooking for awhile. I think we ate take out for the first 6 wks at least! Sleep when the babies sleep. Forget dishes, forget laundry, forget cleaning, focus on you and the babies. Feed them, and when they lay down, you lay down, even if it's only for 30-45 mins.

Hormones. That sums it up in one word. You are going to be a hormonal wreck for probably a few more weeks. Thankfully, they do start to settle down, and having a therapist to talk it out with is a great idea! :hug: Let yourself cry. Lay the babies in their crib or pack n play where they are safe, fed, clean...and turn on your ipod and listen to music for 10 mins, loud, so you can't hear them. As long as they are fed, dry, and in a safe place, it's okay to take 10 mins to recharge. Take a hot shower or bath in the evening and let dh handle the witching hours 1 night a week.

You can try cluster feeding in the evenings if it seems to help them. I know it's hard on you, but babies go through a lot of growth spurts in the beginning, and this could be one of them. You can also use formula to help, I successfully nursed 2 kids without a problem, but I could NOT make enough milk for twins. Didn't matter what I did. I nursed/supplemented for 6 wks before realizing I was not physically/emotionally able to continue on, and chose to switch to all formula feeding. I'm NOT saying you should do this, but I am saying you have to make the choice, don't let anyone force you into doing something, and don't let yourself feel guilt ridden. Even choosing one formula bottle a day, during the witching hours, may help. It also gives you and your nipples a break, so if they want to "snack" on the bottle for 1-2 hrs, you can do that.

:hug: I promise, you will hit the 3-4 month mark and it will get easier, and you'll hit the 6 month mark and think "Wow....I survived newborn twins! I AM SUPERMOM!!" :hug: We have all been there, done that, and have the stretch marks and sleep deprivation to prove it, but you CAN get through this!

 

I totally agree with what everyone else said about it being hard. For me 6 weeks was the absolute hardest. As far as post-partum depression goes, keep an eye on it and ask your DH and friends to be honest with you if they are concerned. Part of what they are looking for at your 6 week post-partum visit is depression, so you could talk to your doctor then. If you can't wait that long, definitely call and make an appointment. PPD is really common - they are used to receiving calls about it. Hang in there!

 

Everyone has already covered what I wanted to say, but I'm going to send some :hug: 's anyway. Those first few months are so, so difficult. Hang in there, get as much rest as you possibly can fit in, and if you are at all concerned that you could be depressed, talk to your doctor. PPD is very common & can be treated. :hug:

 

I definitely could have written your post myself back then! I remember between weeks 3 and 5 especially I became pretty convinced that a) my babies hated me, especially my daughter, b) my nipples would never heal and that BFing would be excruciating forever, and c) that I would never sleep again and therefore die at some point lol. But...I made it! Everyone in my life said the same things to me about hanging in there, that it would get better, etc...etc... And it really is true.

For me the first turning point was the babies learning to smile socially. For me this made such a HUGE difference in terms of how I felt about them and all of the effort and exhaustion associated with taking care of them 24/7. My husband too was such a huge help with them, but in the end when you are BFing the majority of the work is yours. Anyhow the smiles made me feel like the babes were finally saying "Hi Mom! I know who you are, I love you, and I appreciate all that you're doing for me!" which was important for me in keeping going especially with the fussy "witching hours" which we also had. My two were both especially fussy in the evenings until they were about 3-4 months old. I cluster fed ridiculously which helped them, but mostly I just had to remind myself that they would get through it.

As for BFing I have to recommend to stick with it based on my experience. My babies latched well (although not textbook perfectly) and transferred loads of milk, gained weight like crazy and my supply was fantastic, yet I experienced a lot of pain until about 3 -4 months or so. One week it all just seemed to come together for us and I am so glad that I stuck with it as it is the best gift that I can give my little ones. You will feel run ragged from all of the night feedings, but remind yourself that there is an end in sight for that. It doesn't go on forever! Starting from about the 5 month mark we are finally in a pretty solid "routine" of 5 nursing sessions a day from about 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. and they sleep at night from 7 p.m. to 5:30 or 6 a.m. save for a few random nights like tonight where my daughter was fussing for food at 2:30 a.m.

Have you tried working out a schedule with your husband so that you can get a little bit of extra sleep sometimes? Sometimes people get their husband to take a night feeding every night. What we did was that my husband took the babies all night once a week so that I could go to bed around 9 or 10 p.m. ( I would pump right before bed) and then I'd set an alarm and get up to pump around 2 or 3 a.m. again as I didn't want my supply to dip, but essentially on those nights I didn't have to deal with crying babies and I could go right back to sleep after turning my pump off. I put in earplugs and unless there was something going on that he couldn't handle I got to sleep all night! Just that one night a week made a world of difference in how I felt

 

hang in there. You are certainly not alone, which I know will not provide a whole lot of comfort or assistance when you have not slept in days and feel like you might actually go crazy. Those first 6 weeks were so hard. I was just on auto pilet trying to get through the day...and I had help from my mom and DH works from home 3 days a week. Its so difficult...

I really didn't eat for the first 3 weeks, once I started getting food back in my system, I certainly started to feel better. Make sure you eat! You body will def. get used to it around 5/6 weeks and life will seem just a tiny bit more manageable.

I would recommend that you get them on a pretty strict 3 or 4 hour feeding schedule. This will help tremedously. Even though you'll still getting up in the middle of the night once or twice, having a regular pattern will help alot. We did EBM for the first 6 wks and then i decided to stop pumping b/c I was pumping 6 hours a day and it was just too hard to keep up with their demand. It was so hard to stop Expressing, but once we switched to formula, I was a better mother for it, which I know they ultimately benefited from.

DH and I also did the night in shifts, which meant that we both got a decent amount of sleep. He would take from 8 to 12 and I would go to sleep at 8. They usually didn't wake until 1am, so I got a 5 hour stretch....makes a world of difference if you can do it.

I have not met many moms who would tell you that they really loved the first few months of motherhood, esp. when its your first time. But trust me please, it will be awesome once they start getting more interactive. You will actually feel a huge emotion of love for them, which I didn't really feel for the first 6 wks. It will get better.

 

My babies are almost 10 months old. When they were about 8 weeks old I wrote almost the same exact post on this message board! I felt so guilty that I was not enjoying my babies! Do not worry...I promise things will get better!! I am loving motherhood now...I am getting sleep and into a good routine with the babies...hang in there!!

 

The first few weeks were miserable for me, and I remember telling dh that I had no idea why we wanted this so bad. Like everyone else has said it does get easier and don't feel guilty about not loving this time. It is really, really hard and you don't get much feedback from the babies and it is just so overwhelming. There will come a time, though, that you are having tons of fun and amazingly you won't remember thoughts of "getting through." The best part is that the babies won't remember either. Hang in there - you are not alone in these thoughts at all and so many of us felt the same way. I don't think anything about the first few months with twins in any way indicates what kind of mom you are going to be!!! I will probably get flamed for this, too, but I wanted to share that the turning point for me was when I decided to stop "breastfeeding." I wasn't producing enough milk, couldn't get any sleep at all between trying to nurse, then pumping, and starting it all over again, couldn't rely on the help that I had ready and able, and was an emotional basketcase and when I finally said enough is enough and started fully using only formula I truly think I became a better mother because I wasn't so stressed and tired and finally was able to just enjoy some sweet times with the babies. Many, many :grouphug: to you! :youcandoit: !!!

 

hang in there momma!!! twins are soooo hard and you are still trying to heal yourself not to mention all of teh loss of sleep and hormones and changes. everyone else said exactly what I would say (we had very bad witching hours too and we dreaded it!) so just try to hang in there. I know it feels like forever but you will make it. I can finally say at almost 10 months things are getting a bit better, its been a long haul but worth it! And definitely talk to your OB about PP, if you actually need meds it can make a world of difference! Hang in there!!

 

3 weeks is the absolute worst! I really didn't enjoy the first 8 weeks very much (and I was almost never alone with them), but man, at 3-5 weeks was when I wished someone had talked me out of doing IVF and spared me all this pain.

My DH was also much better with the newborns than I was. A lot of it was that he wasn't in physical pain all the time. I totally underestimated the damage the pregnancy was doing to my body (not just the c-section, but the whole 9 months!), and then I felt like a wimp when I could barely walk and my back hurt every time I stood up for 5 minutes. That was a lot better by a month after birth, and much better still by about 3 months. Meanwhile, DH was a total champ. You have a great husband! Let him carry as much of the load as he's willing & able to right now. You need to heal. :hug:

I absolutely did not believe things would ever get better, even with everyone telling me they would. But the beautiful thing is that they do get better, whether you believe it or not! It just happens all by itself.

 

Everything I wanted to tell you is in all the PP's so I have not much more advice to give you other than, BF was terrible for me too, & it didn't work, and my horemones were CRAZY until I finally gave up ship & let them have formula.

You WILL get though this, and in a couple months you won't remember this part, and you will enjoy your kids. :youcandoit:

 

Hugs. I agree with the PP. I also wanted to suggest that you try giving gripe water to your little ones - helped soothe ours.

 

I just wanted to add some more encouragement. The first few months of my twins' life was by FAR the hardest thing I have ever experienced. YOU ARE A SUPERWOMAN. Keep that in mind. It is so hard, and most people really have no idea what it entails. I also thought that the sleep deprivation would kill me. My body hurt constantly. The babies never seemed to sleep. Definitely not at the same time. It didn't seem like I had time to go to the bathroom, let alone take a shower. Thank god I had a helpful husband and supportive family members. Order out and don't worry about the expense for now. Get family or friends to make you meals. Cry every day; it's good for you. And know that it will get better, day by day.

If you really want to breastfeed, you might also try posting to the Breastfeeding forum; there are some great ladies over there who can help. I also had a lot of pain for those first couple of months. I remember describing it as razors slicing my nipples(!) I kept at it because there was something fulfilling about it. And it did eventually click, and it does release some fantastic hormones when you get past the painful part. I would set small goals for myself, like "one more day of breastfeeding" or one more week. Eventually I realized it was not painful anymore. Of course, this is a personal decision! I am just relaying my experience.

So just know that it will get better. I was playing on the floor with my 7 month olds today, and they were both cracking up at absolutely nothing, and I felt so proud of how far we have come. You are a very strong and brave woman just for living through this experience. Really. Go twin mamas!!

 

:hug: :hug: Momma! You are doing an AMAZING job!!!!!! Just know-it's a short period of time right now-they grow so quick. Believe it or not, those first few weeks/months will be a distant memory and you will sit back in amazement and wonder when they became such amazing little people!

I hope you can get some sleep! DH and I slept in shifts in the beginning. I went to bed at 8pm and woke at 2am, and he then went to bed until 8am. It worked for us. As they got older, we switched off days when we would get up with them. So, we each got to "sleep" in during the week.

As for feeding-if bf'ing is what you want to do-don't give up! I tried and tried with the boys, and ended up pumping. And I felt hopeless that I couldn't bf them, or that I didn't try hard enough with them. So that when Annabella came along, I vowed to try even harder with her. And I did. And it just didn't work. I was beyond exhausted. I was drained. I wasn't enjoying motherhood-again-and I went back and tried pumping for a bit for her, and then stopped all together. I agree with pp-head over to the Breastfeeding Forum-there are many wonderful ladies over there willing to help!

:grouphug: We are here when you need us! And I'll also say-it gets soooo much better! It really does! You have two special kids you are raising!!

 

Thank you all so much! Its amazing to know I'm not alone and that I'm not a bad mom because of this. Makes a 4 am feeding less mentally draining.
Do singleton moms go through this? None of my girlfriends seemed to. I mention it a little and only get 'bfing was hard.' Thank goodness for this site to help connect twin moms.
I'm giving it all time. I said 6 weeks for bf, halfway there.

 

In a few months, you'll be on the other end of your original post encouraging another new twin mommy.

 

the ONLY thing I remember about the first 8 weeks of my twins lives was the crying - from all of us!! I didn't BF but they were low birthweight so we had to feed them every 3 hours like clockwork for the first 6 weeks or so...I honestly thought I would die one night when I woke Tony about 5 AM (after being up ALL night) and begged him to get up early for work so I could get an hour or so of sleep...he called off work that day and MADE me sleep....

keep in mind too that its ok right now to let them sleep in a bouncy seat, or swing...ours slept in their swings until they were 4 mos (the first month was in the PnP until colic REALLY set in)...

If BFing is for you - keep going...good work mom!! Keep in mind too it doesn't have to be all or nothing...if you think you may benefit from a few hours of sleep and not being touched/sucked dry then a bottle of formula for your DH to provide is ok too...I know many of the BF moms have great advice - I never BF'ed...I seriously didn't have the desire to do so...

here I am 4 years later happy to tell you that we all survived and once they started sleeping 5 or so hours at a stretch life got MUCH better.... :hug: hang in mom!

I will also tell you that the more tired I was the more I cried - scared the sh!t out of my mom and husband at some points...

 

Just sending hugs your way and offering more support. I remember this time and it was so incredibly hard. A lot of crying between the three of us. You are a wonderful mother. Try not to beat yourself up - sleep deprivation destroys the mind but you will regain yourself. Grab every bit of rest you can. Try to aim for small goals...getting through a couple hours at a time, a day at a time, etc. Before you know it a month will have gone by and things will be even that much different. What you are feeling is normal - no one tells a future mom how hard it is going to be - and you have two! Surround yourself with people to lean on - ask for help. :grouphug:

 

Leaudemiel,
No, I don't think singleton mom's go through it to the same extent. I've lost count of how many twin mom's I don't know have come up to me while I'm out and told me it gets easier. As far as I know, this doesn't routinely happen to my singleton mom friends. Only other mom's of multiples understand just how hard it is.

 

Wow, I am so in awe of all the great responses. It is so cool to see everyone reaching out to one another. You got some awesome advice. It will get better. Hang in there. You are in survival mode right now. Do you have someone that can come and help you for a bit in the evenings. What about a high schooler in the neighborhood during the day or evening for a couple hours? :youcandoit: :hug:

 

Posting late but yeah, the first 4 months were so awful for us that whenever we consider another baby, we just stop right away because we don't want to go through that again. It was really, really hard. But we survived and you will too!!!

And yes, there are things that are much harder or impossible to do when you have twins... Mine are 28 months now and I'm jealous of singleton mommies sometimes because they can do so much more than I do. But believe me, it's so worth it when you see them hug and kiss each other or chasing each other giggling...

 

ain't it the truth! i thought i would never survive twinfants but all of a sudden at 6 months it was like the the whole world turned around. it was like difference between drowning and coming up for air.

you get through it, and you earn a nice collection of battle scars to prove you survived! :laughing:

 

My girls are now 15 months and what you feel is completely normal. I promise you there are gonna come other times during your first year that you may downright hate motherhood, and that is perfectly normal too. You are not a bad mother. I did not feel connected to my girls for probably three months, and I was not breastfeeding (so I did not have that added stress). As a mom who did not breastfeed....I say if it is wearing you out to the point you feel that you are unhappy then maybe just pump and bottle feed so that your husband can help. You can also switch to formula if it is draining your energy too much. I know you want to do the best for your babies, but if that is at the downfall of you being tired and (possibly depressed) then you need to do for you too.

Also, if this feeling does not go away DO NOT ignore it. I thought I was just tired, and I was, but it was more than that. I suffered from a lil post pardum as well thyroiditus. That is a thyroid condition that can start months after pregnancy. I was put on an herbal supplement and an anti-depressant. This made everything all better within weeks. I started suffereing from this around four months and did nothing about it until about six months.

Just know that you are not alone in this feeling. It is such an adjustment. Two babies all the time that rely on you for everything is very demanding on your body and your mind. I had many breakdowns in the first few months, and I still occasionally have one. Just don't ignore your body. If you think something is wrong talk to your OB and don't let him/her brush off how you are feeling.

It gets better.....maybe not always better, but definitely different. Hang in there.