Not Enjoying This

I feel horrible saying this, but maybe some else can relate.

My twins are now 6 weeks old (born 4 weeks early on 7/12, now weigh 10lbs each). I am miserable. I seriously never thought about what it would be like to have twins, let alone a singleton.

They run our lives. They live in the living room right now because we can't get them to sleep in their cribs and because they're on different feeding schedules. We demand feed because neither my DH nor I can handle feeding both at the same time when we're alone with them. In fact, when he goes to bed, I dread being alone with the twins.

I am lucky in one respect - DH is not working and so he takes the night shift and stays up all night with them. I get 6-7 hrs of sleep. I know - I'm very lucky.

But I can't handle these babies and I feel like a failure.

The number one problem is that they can't self-soothe. I can tandem feed them if I must, but soothing them when they're ready to go to bed/nap, just sucks. DS sleeps in his swing and he needs to be rocked to sleep before being put down. Also he needs to be swaddled. He is a crier - cries pretty much all the time and is a horrible eater. Rarely eats more than 2oz every 90 minutes or so. I think it's reflux for him because he screams while eating. DD is an angel - very easy baby. Eats well, but hates her swing now and will only sleep on the couch with a throw pillow supporting her head and back. OR she likes to sleep on her belly (I know, I know...but we watch her closely.)

Neither will sleep in their crib or in their nursery. We haven't seen the inside of their nursery since the end of the first week at home.

Will this get any better? I feel like this will go on like this forever.
Will I ever transition them into their cribs/nursery? Or am I setting horrific sleep habits this soon? (Every stupid book I've read scolds the parents to keeping them anywhere but in the nursery!)
They're not on any nap regimen/schedule. They sleep, nap, play, feed on their own schedule. Is this horrible? Can I expect any different at 6 weeks? Do I need to be patient and wait until 12 weeks for this?

I've spoken with a sleep consultant who wants $1,750 for two 13-hour nights where she will implement a sleeping plan for them. But she won't start until October 4th when they're 12 weeks adjusted for their 4-week prematurity. I don't know if I can wait until then.

I hate myself because I'm seriously not enjoying this time with them. I do get moments where it's nice - he'll smile and coo, or play quietly for 30 minutes in the morning before a screaming session begins. Or she'll be an absolute angel when she wakes, after she eats, and she is playing with us. But he is generally screaming, and she can't be soothed after playing and getting overstimulated. I am at a total loss here.

ugh. I don't even know what I'm asking for from you guys. This just sucks and I hate myself for it.

 

Oh hun:hug: I am sorry things are so tough for you right now. The first few months with twins can definitely be hard, you are right in the thick of things now.
Someone on here recommended "The happiest baby on the block" dvd, and it was a lifesaver for me, you can look it up online and download it or maybe your local library may have it. It is a 30 minutes dvd where you are taught how to understand why your baby cries and how to soothe him (it works with every baby like magic).
I know it can be difficult, but i went for a walk with the children everyday, getting out of the house was surprisingly re-energising, and the fresh air was great for everyone. Sometimes the twins would be crying a lot in the stroller, so i would swaddle them, put them in the stroller and if sometimes the walking wasn't enough to put them off to sleep, walking briskly on the grass would send them off within seconds (because of the jiggling and gentle bouncing).
Also, at the age of your babies (2 weeks adjusted) mine never really stayed awake for more than the time it took to feed and change them pretty much. I know mine detested being on their mat or anywhere else than my arms for the first three months when they were awake. I used to wear one in a sling and carry the other one, or just sit and snuggle with them on the sofa a lot, then when they'd be asleep, i would put them in their swings (for naps) or cribs (at night). We always put them in their cribs at night (unless they were unwell) and during the day, was pretty much anywhere they would go down (swing, chair, stroller). Mine slept on their tummies from very early on too, i used to be a nervous wreck about it and would be checking on them a million times a night, but they just selpt so much better like that in the crib, then recently, they just want to sleep on their backs.

Hang in there, this will pass:hug:

 

This is completely normal! I was home with my babies for 10 weeks before I went back to work and I have to say that it was one of the hardest and darkest times of my life. I completely dreaded Monday mornings when my husband would leave for work. Every Sunday night, I would lay in bed and think how the heck am I going to get through this by myself another week!

It does get better, I promise you! I ended up on Lexapro for PPD; That, and going back to work brought back my sanity.

Our slept in their cribs for two weeks and then not again until almost 4 months. We lived in the living room, too, for a while.

At 6 weeks they are probably just starting to perk up some. For me, every month got a little better. Just focus on getting through one day at a time.

 

The sleeplessness is tough, but it is not forever. Definitely talk to your pedi about how best to get the reflux under control. For our DS, Alimentum worked wonders. And it is ok for babies to sleep in whatever room they are comfortable. My kiddos are still in our bedroom. But, I would have done the living room had we not had cats.

Eventually, as they grow, they will go longer and longer between feedings and you can then get into a routine which allows you to get some sleep too. But the first 6-8 weeks are hard. And sleepless. But it is not forever. Not only do they stretch out their feeds, but they learn to self-soothe. It does take time though. And yes, the babies do run your lives and it will continue that way for at least the next 18 years. That is part of what having kids is all about.

Also, I wonder if your DD would like a bouncy seat? I have heard some babies prefer them over swings--mine were never in a swing, but they both loved the bouncies. And it allows you to bounce both kiddos at once.

BTW, no way would I pay anyone that kind of money for a sleeping plan.

 

You are right in the thick of it. Don't beat yourself up - right now it is about survival. Those first weeks were some of the hardest and darkest times in my memory. They are a little young to self-soothe...not that they are not possibly capable, but not trainable. The best thing you can do is follow those cues and build that security. You are not starting any bad habits with 6 week olds. Sleep them wherever they will sleep...if it is not the nursery then don't worry...do whatever you need to do for them (and hopefully you) to be comfortable. Don't worry about housework, dishes, etc. And get Happiest Baby on the Block - the DVD from the library or someone who can lend it. It is amazing! Right now everything is dictated by them and you just have to take a deep breath. Please know you will not spoil or give bad habits to babies that young. They are running on instincts and they just want to eat and be loved. Have you tried wearing DS in a wrap? I had one of those exercise balls. I would wrap my girls and sit and bounce in front of the TV or to soothing music. I guess IMO I would not hire that sleep consultant. For one thing, IMO, 12 weeks is a good time to start practicing but too young to force sleep patterns. Lastly, hopefully you can talk to the pedi about potential reflux. Poor babe - sounds like he is in a lot of pain. Hang in there momma...and post whenever you need to. :grouphug:

 

thanka ladies. i'm reading The Baby Whisperer and she frowns of having them in the living room, using props (swings, bouncy seats) and discourages rocking them back to sleep, but I have to do all of these things. I also can't feed them on the same schedule, since DS takes 1-2 hours to eat 2-4 oz because of his gas/colic (? unsure) and DD is not a problem at all. The book says to get them into a routine. I just feel like such a failure. I guess I'm expecting too much from myself and from them. They HATE their bouncies, but i keep trying.

My husband convinced me today that I have PPD. I have always had depression, but since going off my meds during pregnancy, I did so well that I thought I didn't need my meds any longer. He convinced me to take a Xanax when I jolted awake from my nap this afternoon with a serious panic attack. He banished me to my room for some serious 'me' time including a hot shower and a mani/pedi and some private TV time. We also decided that I'm going back on Cymbalta so I started it this morning.

I am measuring myself against these books that impose unrealistic expectations on twin moms. I am jealous of those moms wh ocan put them on the same schedule from day 1 without a hitch. Mine both have different needs and I just can't seem to synch them up. Maybe this will change after 12-16 weeks? I don't know, but I'm terrified of going back to work and feeling this ******.

 

I have yet to read a book on anything and I have 3 kids. I think you are right in thinking that you are expecting too much of yourself and of them. If you go with the flow and accept it as that, then you will be able to handle what is thrown your way. I didn't put my kids on a schedule until they were 4 months. My daughter had colic and reflux which was really hard on us and I remember hating the first few months home with them. I had a lot of help and I still would call my sister and say "what is wrong with me? I have wanted this for soooo long and now I can't even enjoy it". BUT, I promise it gets better! Everyday gets better and better and now I don't have any extra help for I just don't need it.

Regardless, its a crappy feeling but you have a lot of people here to support you and it sounds like you have a kick *** husband who understands you need some extra you time and bless his heart that he is giving it to you!!!! Iw ould have killed for that little bit of me time during the first few months.

Hang in there hun, you are doing a great job!!!

 

Do yourself a favor and GET RID OF THE BOOKS. Seriously, I read so many books that told me so many different things, and 99% of them just don't work with twins.

Will it get better? YES. Our boys are almost 8 months, and some days are still very hard, but it is much, much easier than it used to be. The first two months, I thought I wasn't going to make it, seriously. But you can and will make it. What made the difference for me was getting someone to stay at least one or two nights a week so I could sleep, and also getting out of the house. Fortunately I have my mom and my MIL both close by, so we were able to do that. If you can, do it. If you don't have friends and family, hire someone. It will make a big difference in your sanity.

 

I am glad you started your meds again.. you will probably be in a much better frame of mind very quickly and that will make all the difference with your ability to cope!

And I agree with the PP's about ditching the books. Books are an excellent way to get some ideas and information, but you can only use what works for YOUR family... if they're just making you feel bad, then they're not doing their job. Take a nap instead of reading :lol: You can get on a routine eventually.. just keep doing what works for you and the kiddos and eventually one day it will seem a little easier and you'll feel a little more confident. :grouphug:

 

Attention pregnant ladies reading this thread. Please don't read any further.

Here's a secret I don't share with everybody: 6 week olds SUCK! They are your babies, you love them, you wouldn't trade them for anything... but they cry. And cry. And cry. Oh, and there's 2 of them and 1 of you. Plus you have enough hormones for the hulk raging in you. Oh, it's not a pretty time.

It was at that time that we desperately did Happiest Baby on the Block and I cut out dairy from my diet for their milk. Both helped exponentially as did plain old time.

I assure you that it WILL NOT last forever and there will be a day where you miss that floppy baby of yours.

So put them in the swing if you have to- or invite that author who told you otherwise to come over and take care of them. My feeling was I needed 3 hours of interrupted sleep a night- if the swing did that, I'd wean them off of it when I had to. And I did and it was ok. They sleep in cribs just fine.
:grouphug:

 

I second what a lot of other people have said.

You are in the HARD part right now. It will get better. It does not feel like it now, but it really will.

Take your PPD seriously. That is a big deal, and you are a strong woman for addressing it. I had PPD. I thought I was going to go nuts. When I got help things got SO, SO much better. :grouphug:


And I agree. Ditch the books. Do what works for you and your family. Books can be helpful, but I am very wary of any book that thinks they have *the* answer. Every baby is different and every mom is different. And at this age you just do what works. For us, that meant them sleeping in a co-sleeper in our room and after they got a little bigger they co-slept in our bed (following all the safe rules for co-sleeping).
You do what works for you. And don't feel bad about it!! You are doing what's right for you and your family and that's what's important!

Having said that about not reading books....there is one that really, really helped me in the early stage is Dr. Sear's Baby Book . The reason it helped is because it talked about the normal stuff babies do, like NOT sleep, etc, and rather than give me a schedule or tell me how to do things or warn me my kids were going to be horrible sleepers if I did not follow some expert's plan, this book helped me to understand baby needs and learn how to do what worked for my babies. It really helped me become a more confident mom and I learned to just do what felt right for me and my babies. It might be a book you would enjoy. You can buy used copies online for only a few bucks.

And I second the Happiest Baby on the Block. That was helpful too.

But seriously, I agree with the PP. At this age they just cry. And they don't sleep.
It will improve.

I am glad you are getting help for your PPD. :grouphug:

 

Oh honey, big big hugs to you! First off-I want to commend your dh! He sounds like a wonderful person and I am so glad he seems to be so understanding, supportive, and helpful! Kudos to him! Now...on to motherhood with twins...

It's HARD work! And you are doing the BEST that you can! You are NOT a failure. AT ALL! If I had a dollar for every time I thought I was a failure, or I cried, etc-I'd be rich! We all go through it. But you know what-at the end of the day-my kids are smiling, happy, and most of all-LOVED.

Oh before I forget-THROW AWAY THE BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!! LOL! I personally-didn't read any books. And yes-I bought them... They are good dust collectors! Use them as a basis, not an end all, be all(or however that saying is...). You are in survival mode, so you will do whatever it takes to get sleep. That's ok. Perfectly fine. You know what? My boys spent the first four months sleeping in their carseats. Not in their bedroom either. Then, they took their naps in their swing for the first six months. Swaddled. We transitioned them at four months for bedtime in their cribs cold turkey. No problem. We did it at six months for naps cold turkey as well. If they are sleeping-let them sleep! At this stage, it's not so important where they sleep-as long as they are sleeping!

And schedule? None here! I seriously didn't worry about one until the boys were six months old. That's when I did a night of CIO with them, and then worked on their napping schedules as well as bedtime schedules. You can do it earlier than six months, but six months was more written in stone. We probably had some resemblance of a schedule earlier, but most definitely not at six weeks!

Feeding at this point is on demand, at least for me. You can try to start working towards a schedule with the feeding. Try to stretch them a few minutes after each feed. Don't worry though-you will get there! And as for reflux, you may want to contact the pedi and see if it is reflux and something you can do about it.

Sleeping is always tricky. Both of my boys were swaddled for sleeping. Nothing wrong with that! The tighter-the better! They just slept so much better when they were swaddled. When I had Annabella, the boys were 19 months old. She just did not sleep on her back for anything. Nor did she sleep swaddled. Where did she sleep? On top of me, nestled in a boppy pillow. How much sleep did I get? NONE. And I needed sleep so I could take are of her, as well as her older brothers. I put her on her stomach(that's how she slept on me) to sleep-and she was peaceful and out! It was the only way she would sleep! I had her PNP right next to my bed, and she slept there. I always checked on her throughout the night. She also though, did have really good head control. And when I did move her upstairs to her crib, I still slept up there to be sure all was well-but she was a good four months old by then.

Napping-at that age, 60 minutes, maybe 90 minutes after they wake, I'd be putting them down for a nap. Look for sleepy cues of yawning, fussing, etc. If you miss that window of opportunity, they will be overtired and have trouble going down. I would try to pay attention to the clock and when they wake, and work on getting them back down within the 90 minutes or so. I remember with Annabella, even if she wasn't showing signs, I put her down at that mark, and she would go down without a fuss(but I know every baby is different).

But really-take deep breaths and know you are not alone and we are all here for you! We've all been in this stage at one point or another. And we have all come out on top! Right now, there seems like there is no end in sight. But there is. Remember to take care of yourself!!! And if you ever need anything-you can always come here and ask for help, advice, whatever it may be!

:hug:

 

Just to reiterate, this is the WORST of it! Truly, I could have written your post at 6 weeks. It's terrible. But it gets better--at around 8 weeks, you see smiles and laughing and it totally picks up your spirit (as an aside, isn't it funny how nature intervenes because at this point, we'd be willing to give our kids away--LOL!). And then you turn another corner around 10 weeks and another at 12 weeks, and so on.

Throw out those horrible books! I have the "Baby Whisperer" book too--terrible! Plus, she says "luv" all the time, like that's actually how people talk! Get rid of it, it's not realistic. I'm going to PM you tomorrow or Tues about our sleep consultant but don't worry about the swing, the living room, the bouncy or whatever method you've used so far to get them to sleep. We went cold turkey into the cribs at 3 months and it was fine (and both of mine have reflux). You will be ok. You just need to get them to sleep with whatever tools you have at this point.

To make you feel better, it sounds like your babies weights are awesome! My DD just weighed in at 10.5 lbs.....at 4 months! So yours are doing great, Mama! This is such a tough time but it really does get better, I promise! I was just there and it now seems like a distant memory. One day at a time... :youcandoit:

 

Oh I am so sorry! :hug: We have all been there. You are not a horrible mom, newborns are overwhelming let alone having two! Are you swaddling? Swaddling was a lifesaver for us, we used the miracle blanket (I now give them as gifts to all my friends because I love them so much!) it is worth every penney!!!

Have you tried a bassinet with a vibrating feature? White noise? Honestly you can't spoil them now with "bad" sleep habits, do what works! Heck I still drive mine around town for their morning mini nap, it works for me to have 2 different style of sleepers "synch" up so that all 3 of my little ones end up down at the same time in the afternoon. With twins, do what works and forget about all the rest of the stuff that they say in those books unless you find it helpful! Mine napped in their swings until 6 months. They slept together until we couldn't handle their antics anymore and they actually slept better separated in different cribs so just keep trying different things, you never know what may work. And the sleep specialist sounds like a bit too much money to me, I don't think I would go that route myself.

Everyone else is right, you are so in the thick of it right now but it does get better. It is still hard (in fact I have had some pretty bad days this weekend) but looking back it is nothing compared to the early months. I commend you for going back on your medications! That is a great first step!

Hang in there momma you can do it!! This is such a hard journey but it does get better even though somedays I wonder myself lol! Try and get as much help as you can. Also talk to your doc about possible reflux/colic issues with your ds. My ds used to scream himself to sleep and once we got him on zantac at about 5 months voila it stopped! Good luck momma!!! Hang in there!!

:youcandoit:

 

I have not had time to read all the replies, so apologies for any double information.

First of all: What you are describing is normal for that age. Babies' needs are pretty simple at that age - they need feeding and sucking, they need to be clean and warm, and they need you, and lots of close body contact. And do see if your pedi can help you with your son's crying, it could be "normal 3 month colic", but it could also be reflux or something serious that needs help - the earlier the better!

Secondly: You CANNOT spoil a baby that age - please feel free to rock, hold, cuddle them all you or they need, and to let them sleep where they get the best rest.

Thirdly: Please continue getting professional help for your PPD. Facing it is a huge first step. Good luck.

The books I found helpful around that age were Dr. Sear's Baby Book and Mothering Multiples (a LLL publication). Both of them are very realistic what life is like with small babies (crying, short sleep episodes, baby in arms, no routines) and offer lots of suggestions to try finding out what works for your family.

A few things that were helpful for us: babywearing (I had the quieter one in a wraparound sling, and the fussier one in my arms to shift around to the best position), a long walk every day (they went to sleep beautifully in the pram and I got some exercise and fresh air), lots of nursing (for comfort as well as feeding for my colic baby), lots of cuddling, napping together (once my DH was back at work I started taking at least one nap with the twins on our big bed and I still do) and co-sleeping.

The first smiles should come soon now, and that will give you a huge boost! And things will settle down into a routine soon, the first months can be crazy: Mine started settling into a rhythym around 3 months and we then gently nudged them into the same routine. I would not hire a sleep consultant for that kind of money, at least not at that stage. But if you can afford it, maybe you can spend some of that money for some help with your household or the babies, a babysitter for a few hours of "me time" or a date or just a nap in the room next door?

 

Big hugs to you, I felt the exact same way when my twins were that age, and I actually posted several times saying that I actually hated having twins. I didn't hate my kids, I just wished so much that I only had one at a time! I knew I was having PPD issues as well, and started doing some counselling which helped me.
Having twins is the hardest thing by far I have ever done, and you are NOT a failure! I LOVE schedules and I am sorry but my two (one was a crier and the other one was a partial crier) were not able to follow much of a schedule until they were around 3-5months. So, you do what you need to do to survive right now - use swings, bouncy chairs, or whatever else you need to get through the first few months. Mine never slept during the day in their cribs, only at night. Make sure that nighttime is no-fun parent time, no playing or anything like that, keep it dark where they are at night, just change diapers and feed and back to 'bed". During the day do try and expose them to sunlight and a little bit of activity so help them get their days and night all sorted out.
Gosh, I read like every sleep book imagineable when mine were the age of yours, and none of them really say too much about the 6wk old baby and how to "cope" with them. I did like "healthy sleep habits, happy children" book, but again it is mostly good advice as the kids get older.

make sure to plan some breaks for yourself, and get and take as much help as possible from family and friends - dont be SHY about this, you need help to get through this rough patch. And, it will get so much better as they get older. I never realized how much I wasn't a "baby person" until I had two to take care of. We actually hired a lady to come and do a night shift so that both dh and I could sleep, and then I had people coming a few times/wk to watch the babies while I got a break - all of these things really help.

Good luck, hang in there, you are in the roughest part right now, each week you will see that things get just a little easier.

 

Please forgive me if I am repeating something that another poster has said because I just scanned through the replies but I can relate to what you are going through to some extent.

First thing I would try REALLY hard to get them on the same schedule, it really makes it a lot easier when they are both feeding and sleeping at the same time. Rather than having DH take the night shift try having both of you wake up together to feed them at the same time, put them back to sleep and the two of you go back to sleep and do this until they get into the pattern and you feel comfortable with the routine. One trick a friend of mine with twins told me to use to boppy breastfeeding pillows, put them side by side or one on one side of you and the other on the other side. Put each baby in each boppy and feed them both together at the same time by yourself that way. If it works for you it will cut the feeding time in half.

I was the sole feeder of both kids and had a rough time with them but I would drag myself out of bed, since DH worked all the time and had to sleep, and feed them both - one right after the other. It was totally annoying, frustrating, exhausting, all of those things but that's what I did. It was much better for me to just get it over with at one time then feeding one, getting up soon after only to feed the other thereby cutting my actual asleep time in half. So feeding both at once was crucial for me if nothing else than purely for my sanity...what little I had during that first month.

As for the self soothing and needing to be rocked to sleep have you tried putting a small CD player in their nursery or where they sleep? I used it a lot. You can find CD's that play ambient noise like water dripping and things like that, lullabies and other soothing sounds. Also mobiles worked really well as did womb bears and Crib soothers like this.

I think, in my personal opinion, that it's important to make that transition to the crib as early as possible so they get used to it and know that it where their bed is. The musical mobiles and crib soothers helped us calm the babies down and keep them comforted. We also started them out in the same crib because they were so small and then seperated them once they got to big. This transition was easy for us, I think we got lucky but I swear by those womb bears and crib soothers, it REALLY helped keep them comforted.

Those first two months are INCREDIBLY difficult. You do SO much for them and get little reward from them so it feels, at least it did for me, like a machine. Just doing the same thing over and over and over again without reward. Once they start to make more expressions, become more aware, smile and coo at you it will give you that rewarding feeling. That all of this crazy exhausting stuff that you've been doing is finally starting to pay off.

My best friend always told me that those first few months are "survival mode". You do the bare minimum to keep your sanity. It's making sure the kids are fed and diapers changed and you resting AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

It's incredibly difficult but just try and think that this won't last and pretty soon all your hard work will pay off. You just have to keep the faith. Sleep when they sleep, get them into that nursery, feed them on the same schedule (because in the long run as they get older this will be essential), and take care of yourself!!!

Good luck and I'm sorry you are so frustrated. I hope you can find something that works for you and your DH soon! In the meantime keep posting. We've all been through those rough spots and hopefully one of us with come up with or help you find something that will help you!

:youcandoit:

 

Just remember....it gets better!!!! And soon!!! They won't go off to college like this!!!! :laughing:

 

I truly hope these ladies helped you out! I'm going through the same concerns and everyones response has helped so much!
:grouphug:

Who knew little things could be so hard to do or handle! Hang in there, I see it getting better everyday. Yes, new challenges arise but we are super moms! We can do it!!

 

It WILL get better!!!

I spent the first 9 or 10 weeks (I can't remember, I was too tired) Sleeping in a recliner. I had it set up so that I could sleep in it with one of my boys and their bassinet was about 3 feet away. I would feed then rock one to sleep, put him in the bassinet pick up the other one feed and rock him to sleep. Then I would sleep in the recliner with one of them until the other woke up. I felt like I was living in that chair. To top it off I was pumping instead of breastfeeding so I would have to take breaks every few hours to pump....

Any way I wanted to say that you are not alone. Thinking back on that time I don't know how I did it. I was so tired and messed up in the head. But you will get through. Just do whatever you have to do to make it through the next weeks sane.

 

Just wanted to say a big :yeahthat: to what everyone else has said!

-Throw away the books
-It WILL get better; 6 weeks is a truly horrible time.
-See your Dr. about the reflux; it was the difference between night and day with my little guy.
-Take it one day at a time. There is light at the end of the tunnel!