No help with the twins?! <vent>

What kind of help do you or did you have with taking care of the twins. I have had no help with the twins beside my DH but he works all day. It is the first grandchildren on both sides so I assumed I would have lots of help but it seems like everyone just wants to come and visit to play with the babies (which is great) but I'm starting to get a bit overwhelmed and very tired. They are awake more often now and tend to cry a lot more. We talked about getting someone to help but we don't have a lot of extra income for that. My mom and mother in law see the babies every once in a while but more like they are real showy about the fact they are twins instead of realizing how much harder it is with 2 newborns. I don't have anyone to vent to b/c I don't want people to judge me for being so stressed sometimes. I love my babies I just need a little help. Everyone always says I'm a great mom and "I don't know how you do it" but I'm ready for some family to step up and help me out. Did anyone else feel like this or go through this? Any advice? I hear it gets easier. Thanks. Just needed to get it out.

 

What kind of help do you or did you have with taking care of the twins. I have had no help with the twins beside my DH but he works all day. It is the first grandchildren on both sides so I assumed I would have lots of help but it seems like everyone just wants to come and visit to play with the babies (which is great) but I'm starting to get a bit overwhelmed and very tired. They are awake more often now and tend to cry a lot more. We talked about getting someone to help but we don't have a lot of extra income for that. My mom and mother in law see the babies every once in a while but more like they are real showy about the fact they are twins instead of realizing how much harder it is with 2 newborns. I don't have anyone to vent to b/c I don't want people to judge me for being so stressed sometimes. I love my babies I just need a little help. Everyone always says I'm a great mom and "I don't know how you do it" but I'm ready for some family to step up and help me out. Did anyone else feel like this or go through this? Any advice? I hear it gets easier. Thanks. Just needed to get it out.

 

We were the same way. Right now - our babies are awake alot more and my house is such a mess it is scary - I just don't have time during the day to do much of anything but talk to them!

Hang in there. I think it gets easier when they can entertain themselves some - but I am not sure.

Angel

 

It will get easier when they can entertain themselves a little bit. In the meantime, why don't you ask you family for some help. You sound a lot like me. I don't like to ask for help and my family is always telling me about how organized I am and how I have it all together. Maybe they just don't realize that you are getting overwhelmed. Just ask them, they might suprise you.

When you do get some help, take some time out for you and do something relaxing. You deserve it!!!! Here's a big hug

Crystal

 

I have the same vent. My family lives out of state, but DH's family live about 30 minutes from us. My MIL only comes about every two weeks and even then she'll stay for about an hour or so, if DH isn't home, she might stay 30 minutes. ANd to my knowledge we don't have any issues (I mean that I let her know about. )

When we are family functions, DH and I still do most of the work. Even when my family visits, they don't help per se. My mom is the only one that is remotely helpful and even then she is sometimes unsure of herself becuase after all it's been 27 years since she had a baby...so it's easier for me to do it.

Like PP said, it will get easier and you will get a little bit more free time, or atleast breathing room. I like it because DH and I can honestly say that we have raised the twins so far with absolutely no help!!!

 

I would definitely ask your family for some help. Maybe someone can take the babies out of the house for an hour or two so you can rest or get some housework done? Or ask a family member to come over and sweep and mop the kitchen floor, or do a load of laundry. They probably have no idea how much you do during the day and how hard it is, especially if they don't have any experience with twins.

I know I had to ask my mom to actually help me do stuff around the house when she came to visit instead of just holding a sleeping baby. Of course, if the baby was fussy I didn't mind her holding the baby so that I didn't have to!

 

Oh, I feel your pain. In the beginning I had no help - they came home on a Friday and my honey went back to work the following Wednesday, and it's just me and the boys all day long. Plus, he has a side job bartending 2 nights a week and also has to plow/salt when the weather hits so often I'm alone with them all day and night, and when he is home he is trying to catch up on sleep.

I know people say to sleep when they do, but it's hard when you have twins this age and they really don't have a daytime schedule, sometimes one sleeps while the other is awake and vice-versa, it can be so frustrating! And you feel like you have to entertain them, and when they both cry and it's just you ... I know how hard that is.

I say just be upfront with your family and say, "Mom, do you think you can come over on Tuesdays and Fridays and help with the babies?" Odds are she would be flattered and eager to help. I'm not one to ask for help but finally broke down. My parents took them for a night and it was amazing how much better I felt after seeing a movie and getting a good night's sleep - I felt eager and happy to see my boys, not dreading another day/night of crying and being so tired. They both said they have no idea how I do it, like yours say, and it's so true, and odds are like my family they would be more than willing to help out. When my parents took them they realized how hard it was to take care of them and that's with 2 adults around, now they say whenever I want I can drop them off even if it's just to catch a nap or get a coffee.

And if you can't get help on a day, either from family or friends, how I cope is just being thankful when it's quiet and using that time for me, to go online, make some hot cocoa, etc., which helps. When they are going insane (they are colicky at night and it is terrible), sometimes I just have to walk away from them, take some breaths, tell myself in another month or so things will look up, I can hang in there till then, and just plow through it. Sometimes I don't even talk to them or try to soothe them, I just let them wail on the EZ pillow and hold them and breathe slowly. Or I turn up the TV real loud. I also tell myself that they won't remember any of this, that if I walk away while they are crying it won't damage them at all, that I am only human, and this is one heck of a hard job right now. And then I eat a bag of chocolate. Seriously, ate a whole bag of Dove in two nights of colic.

Feel free to PM me if you need to vent, it really does help. Hang in there!

 

Jennifer! I think you need to tell your Mom almost exactly what you just told us. Tell her that "everyone" wants to come see the twins etc., but you need some relief because you are just exhausted etc. etc. - say "I wish is had some help with X_____, y_____ and Z______...." (be specific with the things you need help with - some ideas are laundry, dishes, a nap for yourself etc...)

I learned that if I didn't ASK for help, there was NONE forthcoming! You are not weak or a bad mommy for requesting some help. Next time MIL comes you need to let her know that you are struggling with how hard it is to have 2 newborns instead of one. You can gently let people know!

 

Same story here, DH helped me more or less from the beginning, but other than that "zip" Everyone was going to help me so they said, but this week I saw no-one. It's enough to make me cry.

 

Can you ask them for help? Just tell them that the babies are a little fussier now and it would great if they could come over and help with the babies and even some light housework. It never hurts to ask. I know it is hard to ask for help, but sometimes you just have too.

 

I have no help and DH doesn't really help at all. I also have three other children. However, I think since I am older and tried to have these twins for five years that I probably have a different outlook on taking care of my babies. I enjoy every minute I have with them (and I didn't get to sleep in my own bed until they were over four months old because they would be up all night). You just get used to doing things with them being around and the best thing I found was to take them out of the house...yes, by myself. Hang in there. You will get used to them and they will get used to you, too. Everything will fall into place. I would LOVE to have help. I didn't even have help when they came home from the NICU. My husband went right back to work like normal. I wish I could have a nanny like a lot of other women...but, then again, I had the babies so I could enjoy them...not for someone else to take care of them (and I work from home, too).

You'll do great! Hang in there!

 

I agree with Diane, you need to tell your mom what you just told us!

I think she would be glad to help you if she knew where you were coming from! Also I thought that people would just help me too and it turns out unless I asked directly, they never did!

I hope things get easier for you!

 

All of our family lives out of state so we don't have any help either. DH works all day and I work at night so it isn't much fun. My mom comes about once a month though and does help. I get to run errands and go out with dh. I would be honest with both mom and mil and ask them to help out some to give you a break.

 

quote:
It is the first grandchildren on both sides so I assumed I would have lots of help but it seems like everyone just wants to come and visit to play with the babies (which is great) but I'm starting to get a bit overwhelmed and very tired.


I thought that since they are the first grandchildren, my ILs and parents would come by more often. My DH watches the boys during the day, and I do when I get home from work (with his help, too). DH is getting worn out! He said he's dying for someone to watch them just so we can get out for a bit and then sleep in until like 10:00 one morning. Oh that would be heavenly!

quote:
I would be honest with both mom and mil and ask them to help out some to give you a break.

We just hate to ask, KWIM? We feel like we're putting them out. I wish they'd offer, so we wouldn't have to feel that way.

 

I could vent the same thing. What makes me sad is that I ask for help and I get the absolute bare minimum help for the shortest possible amount of time. My family lets me know that I'm asking too much of them. (I mean why help your DD and spend time with your grandchildren when you could be at the bar drinking with your friends??) I just gave up asking. Now they call me and ask "Why don't yu ever visit?" Because I'm too busy, stressed and overwhelmed to visit you, I'd rather hang out with my friends on TS! Sorry, I didn't want to vent during your vent - but I understand where you're coming from! Ask for help, even help grudgingly given is help!

 

My mom gave me the gift of a night nurse for the first two weeks, and after that, I have had no help unless I got a babysitter or swapped kids with a friend. My mom lives an hour a way, and comes when she can, but that is never to watch the kids so I can get out.

Actually, this Saturday my parents are keeping the boys overnight for the first time, they are 4 1/2--and asking to sleep at Grandma's--the only reason I thought to ask.

Personally, I think it is great if family wants to help, BUT it isn't their responsibility to give you a break, just because they are family. I would find some friends, once the weather gets nice, start going for walks with the babies, it is the best way to make friends locally--and swap time. This is the best way that I have found to get a guilt free break!

 

I'm going to clarify on my earlier statement. (I know you weren't picking on me Sharon!) My family offers to help. "Just call us if you need anything", but they don't mean it. That's what bothers me.

 

Tell your family you need them to watch the babies while you get some sleep! I was the same way and I ended up breaking down bawling because I was so tired and could not deal with life. I hate to ask for help but I do because it helps with my sanity.

When my babies were that small, my mom would come down a couple of times a week to help get them to bed. DH and I would take turns staying up with her and the babies. I also had my dad come down and watch the babies while I went to their house to sleep. We are very lucky because my family is so close (about 10 min drive) and they are so helpful. Even now I have them stay with my parents overnight every 2-3 weeks and I also have an Aunt that comes over every Friday to help out.

My point is that if you don't ask for help, they may not realize that you need it. It gets easier.

 

Have you thought of a Mother's Helper? I had a former student who would coem 1-2x a week and hold babies while I showered or read a book or ran out to the store... or cleaned....

 

I finally had to ask my mother to specifically come and help me, that I was having trouble keeping my sanity. Sure, it was tough to ask (cause I felt it would be obvious that I needed the help), but now she comes once every other week from 9-3. She is retired, and I would love her to come more often, but she is doing what she feels comfortable with and I just have to take what I can get. She always leaves saying that she feels like she didn't do anything and I am tempted to leave all three of my kids with her for 12 hours and see what happens. I am the only one that has these kids day in, day out and it just wears on your nerves after awhile.

Maybe just set up something small. It never occurred to me that I would have to ask, I kinda thought when you had twins, everyone would be at my doorstep willing to help. Uhhmmmmmmmmm, maybe they are at the wrong house?

 

Thanks for helping me out. I really did think that if family knew I had twins that they would instantly help but that is not the case clearly. I'm going to call my mom and talk to her today. My DH called my MIL for me and she has offered to come next week. I guess I really didn't realize that I had to reach out. I just hope this isn't short lived (the help). My mom helped me one day in the past and she said she was exhausted for days afterwards and since then hasn't offered. I hate to wear people out but I'm worn out and at wits end!!

Feel free to vent too Jenny. It's not fun to be the only one!

 

Okay, this is it right here...

quote:
Everyone always says I'm a great mom and "I don't know how you do it"


I would politely tell them, that you don't know how you do it either. That is is very, very hard, very stressful and that you would dearly love some help if anyone can spare some time.

Seriously, you really need to spell it out to some people, they just assume because you are smiles and all, that you are doing fine, when inside, you are falling apart. Trying to hold it together for the sake of appearances does not benefit you at all. First, it tends to invalidate your own feelings, which are VERY valid and very real - it's not about you not loving your babies, it's about you taking on the hardest job in the world X2!!! And second, pretending it's all fine and dandy doesn't benefit you because it tends to make everyone think you are doing just fine - so why should they pitch in? Heck, let's get real here - the reason they don't pitch in is because they KNOW it's hard and not a fun job!!! LOL!! I bet they leave at the end of a visit saying to themselves, "Wow, I sure am glad that Jennifer is doing so well with taking care of the twins, because it means she doesn't need me to help - whew!!" My mom once told me that when she went back to work after being here for that first month that everyone came up to her with huge smiles on their faces and said things like, "So, did you have a great time with the babies?" or "How was your vacation with your grand babies?" She smiled and said, "Oh, it was wonderful," when in reality she wanted to tell them "It wasn't fun, it was damn hard work and while I adore them, gosh, they were a ten handfulls!!!" That's the hard truth of it - yes they are cute, yes they give us joy, but ultimately, these first few months are just plain old hard, hard work!

It's perfectly okay to wave the white flag or S.O.S. flag. The first months are KILLER, man, if not for my DH who had two months off, and my mom who stayed almost a month, I truly wonder if I would be here today.

And yes, it does get easier (I cannot believe I am saying this, never ever thought I would be), but right now it's not easy and you need help. Ask for it, please.

 

You know the first three months are the most difficult and every month thereafter starts to get easier! But, saying that, I still have helpers. I thought one big helper would be my mom, 5 minutes away, but she is freaked out by the boys- she always thinks they are gonna choke or get hurt. She will help me if I am right there next to her and then maybe only for an hour or two. I have left her with a helper for a few hours and she looks like a deer in the headlights when I return! I have a girl who was only 11 when she started helping... she is such a sweetie and just loves babies. It was her first "sitting" job- so I had to show her as we went- but just someone to hold a baby and be an extra set of hands was awesome. Her mom said she didn't want me to pay her- for the 5 hours 3 times a week she came- but I gave her $5 each time and at the end of the summer I gave her a gift certificate to her favorite store. Now, her time is limited with being a 6th grader and doing sports- but when she comes I give her $10. She genuinely just wants to play with the babies and misses them when she doesn't come for awhile. I think I was just lucky with her! I also have an 18-yr old that comes once in a while for $8 an hour and does laundry and dishes, too- yay! I also have a neighbor who has came over to help my hubby when I go to my girls' night outs-- I always offer her $$ but she refuses.
Now, that they are sitting up and crawling and on better schedules- it is way easier- but the house stays cleaner and more organized - and I have less stress- with helpers for sure!!!
Check around your neighborhood for help and tell everyone you need help- you might just find some- take care!!!!
Lanie