No Crying!

What am I going to do? For a while now, Jason has been telling the boys "No Crying" when they are tossing a fit. I told him recently that he shouldn't say that cause crying is not a bad thing and the boys should not be confused like that. It's not that Jason doesn't want them to cry, it's the screaming and whining he doesn't like, but he chose to use the word 'crying'. Getting Jason to stop using a term he's used to is hard. It kills me every time he uses it. Now it's back firing. Cameron is almost constantly on Kiefer's case when Kiefer cries. If Kiefer is tossing a fit, Cameron will sternly telling him "No Crying!" I feel so bad for Kiefer when he does that cause it's not his job to tell Kiefer what to do and not do. The other day, Kiefer was upset. He hurt himself and Cameron started to yell at him, "No Crying!" Kiefer didn't stop so on it went. "No Crying! Stop it! No Crying OK! Stop crying, Kiefer!" Gosh it was embarrassing listening to him. It was in our home and no one was listening. We never tell them to stop it like that for crying! Only when they were doing stuff like hitting the windows with their toys repeatedly or something of that nature. I'm trying to correct Cameron when he does that telling him crying is good and to not yell at Kiefer like that. Kiefer doesn't do that to Cameron, but I worry that he's going to pick it up. He's gotten violent with Cameron...hitting him, pinching him, kicking him. He does that with us too. Some of that behavior could be because he's just not talking as clearly as Cameron so he's not understood as well, but also it's just him getting frustrations out and learning what he can and cannot get away with. Just today Jason asked him for a kiss and Kiefer slapped him pretty hard across the face while grinning ear to ear. No, he's not being a brat or anything, but he just doesn't seem to understand how inappropriate that is. We don't spank, slap, shake, kick, or do anything like that to anyone in the house, so I'm not sure where he's getting this behavior. That's why I'm kind of thinking it could be a speech thing. Cameron bosses him around and I don't think Kiefer likes that too much. Kiefer can be manipulative to Cameron so he gets his fair share of getting the upper hand with his brother.

It's just frustrating to hear them go on and on like this. I feel awful for Kiefer when Cameron yells at him for crying. I think Cameron got the wrong message and I don't know how to reverse that. I'm working on the aggressiveness of Kiefer. He's talking better already (I have not talked with EI yet as they have not called me back since I first called and left a message), but his aggression towards us is getting worse. He rarely has a fit so I am certain it's not cause of a tantrum. He does a lot of his aggressive acts when he's happy so I think it's just a matter of getting him to consider other ways of playing and what hurting people means. Well, he's aggressive to us when he's happy, he can be aggressive to Cameron when he's angry with him for stealing his stuff or doing something he doesn't like. For example, the other day, they both were about to go down the stairs. They are both standing on the top step in front of the gate. Cameron closes the gate behind them. Kiefer didn't like that. I saw his fist form and then he jabbed Cameron directly in his ribs making him cry. That was an angry punch. He punched Cameron with a smirk on his face. He wasn't playing, but he was annoyed by what Cameron did. That's the behavior I really need to stop, but the aggressive playing with us also needs to stop. Any ideas?

 

Regarding the no crying...I would talk to your DH and tell him how Cameron is repeating what he is saying and how uncomfortable it makes you. Maybe instead of crying, he could say I don't understand you when you whine.
I would also put in another call to EI and it is possible that some of Kiefer's aggressiveness could be due to speech issues and I don't know what you do for discipline, but in our house kicking, punching, hitting, etc are automatic timeouts for 2 minutes. When the timeout is over, I explain again why they shouldn't hit/kick/punch and have them say they are sorry.

 

I do time-outs the same way as you describe as well. It does effect him positively, and he doesn't act out for a while after his time-outs, but it still does happen. I'll probably call EI again today.

 

I don't have time to respond properly, and really don't have a lot of experience with it... but I wanted to mention that several books I've read talk about focusing on what you want them to do, not what you want them to stop... so maybe taking a totally different approach... and not even talking about the crying/whining etc... maybe asking for his happy voice? I know its so hard to remember to redirect when they are fussing so bad... but it might be worth a try.

as for the hitting, who knows where he's getting that from. there were occasions when we did a quick slap when my dd would push or shove my ds... and immediately we saw her getting very aggressive... so we definitely stopped the punishments... and literally that was only a couple of times.

an idea for "stop hitting" might be to ask them to put their hands on their knees... or something. telling them exactly what to do, not what to stop...

I hope that you can find a solution, and I think that EI will be helpful when you finally get a call back!

 

I must have read the same books as Maybell...

What has worked here is to tell the whining/fit-throwing DD to use her "happy voice" as I can't understand the sad voice. We regularly practice what a happy voice sounds like and also practice a sad voice (and sad, mad and happy faces), so they know the difference. I wasn't getting any results by telling them not to whine/cry, but this has worked as they know exactly the voice I want to hear. If they can't use a happy voice, I ask them to go into the play room until they feel better and them come back to me with a happy voice and tell me what they want.

My DDs will tell the other "happy voice" when they hear the other whining, so they boss each other too. I ask that DD to leave the fit-throwing DD alone and not to talk to her while she's upset that she wants to be alone.

I also give them an action I want in place of the hitting/shoving. I tell mine to tickle with their fingers or to rub the other's back instead of shoving/hitting. That works best when you see it coming. If they do hit or shove, they get a time out and when they're done and calm, I show them exactly how to tickle or rub. I also teach them to run away or pound their fist on the ground when they get really mad and sometimes I see them do that too.

In general, telling them the action you want instead of telling to stop what you don't want has worked really well for us. I think that is covered in the Love and Logic book.

 

Learning to discipline consistently and showing your children "model behavior" is so hard, especially when you have 2 children the same age at the same time that now know how to push all of your buttons. But believe me, the consistency thing works! It does finally get through to them. Praising the positives, expressing frustration in a safe way, using a happy voice, understanding why behaviors are acceptable vs unacceptable, are all things that we started to talk about when the boys were 2. At that time, I felt like I was talking to a wall and they didn't get it. But we tried to be as consistent as possible. Sometimes, as parents, we would slip, they would figure it out and it was a set back, but, finally, now that they are almost 4, it is sinking in. They understand that actions have consequences and also understand that good behavior gets rewarded. They also understand that if they are mean/hurt their brother, then playing with each other stops. I have told them to tell each other that "When you hit/push me (or take my toys), I don't want to play with you anymore." Then to get up and play somewhere else. That has really work as well.

All I can tell you is that your children sound like my kids at 2 year olds. Now at almost 4, they are not angels, by no means, but they have figured out that they have to be nice to each other if they want to be able to play happily together, which is their favorite thing to do!

I hope this helps and you are able to find something that will work consistently for your family!