New to Forum - 11 year old boys and friends

Hello, I am new to this forum.

I am the father of 11 year old twin boys. My wife and I are struggling with the boys right now and their ability to find friends. They are identical and, of course, each others best friend (and worst enemy sometimes).

They both seem to struggle with gaining new friends. It tends to puzzle us as both my wife and I are very outgoing with a large network of friends.

They both play baseball in the spring and our church has a wonderful childrens program, however they really keep to themselves for the most part to the point where they appear anti-social.

Just looking to "pick" the communities brain on this as I am sure it might be common.

We are just very worried about the approaching middle school years starting with 6th grade.

Thanks

Tom

 

Just wanted to say welcome to Twinstuff. I have b/g twins that will be 6 soon, so I'm not sure how much I can help.

What I wonder is how much do they separate, either voluntarily or not? Do they have a separate activity or interest that is totally their own?

I hope some of the other parents chime in and can help you. With b/g's their interests have definitely diverged. After Thanksgiving, Timothy went shooting with the boys and Sarah went shopping with her aunt, and everybody was thrilled.

Marissa

 

Thanks for the response. The boys rarely do anything apart. It can be a difficult dynamic as it shuts out potential friends as well as some of their cousins who are the same age.

I guess we are basically looking for any strategies to help give them a little more individuality. They will probably always be best friends and extremely close, but they do need to have their own identities and that is what we are looking to facilitate.

Again, our boys are identical (TTTS survivors).

Thanks again to the community.

Tom

 

Are they separated in school? If not, I would start there. Having their own classrooms would do wonders in "forcing" them to interact with other kids. I would also start taking them to do separate things either afterschool or on the weekends. Like you can take one, and your wife the other and do something special, then the next weekend, switch kids and so something special with the other one.

 

Thanks for the reply and suggestions.

They have been always separated in school, however they tend to "cling" to each other during recess according to their teachers.

Tom

 

I think taking them out one on one could help.

Maybe at home, have them separately brainstorm stuff they'd each like to try (don't let them talk about it beforehand) and see how different the lists really are. Pick something that is only one one of their lists and do it with them.

We didn't do our big separation until we were in our late teens and we do have our own things now but for a long time it was just us.

 

Ours have always been in diff. classes, although every year they ask to be in the same class. (That's Sept, by the following May, they're happy to be split up)
We schedule one-on-one days when we can, usually a weekend afternoon (a movie, or bowling, or something)
One DS is rather an individual when he's in school; the other has a harder time finding a "good" friend. They are each other's good friend, despite their differences. I think they are still developing their sense of "unique-ness"; and I also think that one has done it more than the other has a lot to do with personality (I mean, the one that's more individual is also more out-going and not as "hard on himself" when he makes a mistake).
DH made an interesting point - he said that they may shy away from other singleton friends not so much b/c they're anti-social, but that they're expecting any friend they have to be as close to them as their twin is -- and they are disappointed when that doesn't happen. It's like they're setting themselves up to fail, when it comes to making new friends.
I'd keep going the way you're going, and just let them grow into themselves a bit. It may take awhile and some experimentation for each to find their niche. I think, by the time they're in middle-school, you and they'll have a good idea of what they're good at and how they fit in.

 

Kendra had a good suggestion, talking to them without allowing them to discuss what they would like to do sounds like it would be a good way to allow them to do these seperate activities.

I know from my own experinces highschool (7th grade it starts in Australia) was when myself and my twin actually seperated ways with friendships as we were in different class having 6 different classes a day, we were able to gain new friendships and although with time these friendships built on and by the 12th grade we were in the same circle of friends but we dont "need" each other.

I think supporting their needs and trying to get them to try different things apart may help. I do know twins who are in year 8 this year who dont have many friends but sit with each other, this is their choosing though, I hope that it works out and they gain more friends

 

This is a very good point.

I thank everyone for their suggestions. We have been thinking of trying the one-on-one approach to try to get them separated under certain circumstances.

Tom

 

Hi Tom,

I guess I'm going to come to your boy's defense and recommend that you just give them some time. My twin brother and I were inseperable until we were around thirteen and fourteen, then we started to make our own friends and have our own groups. We were still close, just not dependant on each other. I actually hear this alot from other twins and I think someone else already mentioned it, so it seems to be something that occurs often. I would only worry if your boys seem unhappy or if it's causing them some kind of problem. I think the more you try to force them to make friends, the more they're going to resist.

As far as the best friend and worst enemy thing, that sort of sibling rivalry on steroids, well it comes with the territory too. In retrospect I think a lot of it has to do with a desire for attention. As a twin you feel like you're sharing the attention you get from other people with your silbing, that in a way, you're not you, but 'the twins'. Someone recommended that you spend time with each of the boys on their own, your wife taking one and you taking the other, and doing something special with them, that's a great idea. Make it quality time, talk to them, listen to them and make sure you let them know that you love them as an individual. (As a side note- don't dress your twins alike, let them pick out their own clothes and if you're going to have a set of twins, try to name them two different sounding names, I think that in itself will help them to develop their own identities much earlier in life.)

Your boys don't sound all that strange to me, rather it sounds like you're describing half the twins I know. I know it's hard not to worry sometimes and you want your boys to be popular, but you know, everyone is different and some people like to have a lot of friends while other people like to have just a few very close friends. In the end I wouldn't worry about whether your kids are popular because at this moment in their life they have the best friend they could ever have, their brother.

Aaron

 

I'm sorry, aaron. I was trying to say thank you for writing that. The quote didn't work as I expected it to.

I got the quote to work!!!!

 

I'm glad you got the qoute to work and you're welcome.


Aaron