Need to vent please (long)

Some history:

Dh's parents are really pretty great. They have their issues but I could have done much worse in the inlaw dept. Sometimes, I prefer them even over my own disfunctional mom (my dad has passed away). I know that is horrible to say but unfortunately it is the truth. The inlaws live about 30 minutes away, my mom lives out of state.

Dc are finally almost getting on some sort of sleeping/nap schedule. They pretty much wake up at 6am-ish and going to sleep around 7ish (they still need a 9 or 10pm bottle to sleep through). And usually they need a nap after they are awake for 2 hours or so. So the thing that varies is the length of the naps depending on many factors of that day. Dd is pretty good most of the time with falling asleep. Ds on the other hand has troubles and needs help. And if I miss that window of opportunity to get him to nap/sleep, it is not pretty.

I don't know what they did 35 years ago when dh and bil were babies and I would not think that babies change all that much but MIL does not get it that ds cannot fall asleep. She tells me he will nap when he is tired. But then tells me what they did back then to get babies to sleep. So see, they did have trouble back then but she for some reason does not see it that way. Whatever.

The babies never seem to do as well (sleep, eat, etc) outside of our house since we had them isolated for so long because they were preemies.

His family always waits until we are about to leave and is like "Oh wait but......" usually it is to ask dh computer questions or whatever. It bothered me before but now that we have babies, when we have to go, we have to go.

Fil pisses me off at times because they are European and he acts like he is god, not just a man. And sorry, I don't go for that. I am respectful but I just don't go for that.

Ok, situation. Yesterday MIL watched the babies at their house for the afternoon so I could shop for a dress for their christening next month. Everything was fine. I got back around 4:30. I figured I'd stay and do the 6pm feeding with her and then go so they could fall asleep in the car and I could get them to bed easily when we got home. Well they ate at 6, ds fussed a little and they were both finally calm but still wide awake. It is now 7pm. I wanted to get them in the car and get going before ds became not calm and crossed that line of being overtired and inconsolable. So they were outside helping me get the babies into the car and the neighbor comes out and was all excited that the babies were there. Now I totally get the inlaws point of view, they were happy and wanted to show off their grandkids, but time was a big factor here and since they were having sleep issues, I really needed to get them going. So I told them this, and when the neighbor came back out to say his wife would be out in a minute, I said I'm sorry but I really need to get them to sleep and left. I could tell my inlaws were pissed at me but I had to put my babies first. And I felt like it would not have been just a minute and would have been like 5 or 10 and all it takes is a minute to make a big difference. Needless to say, it ended up not mattering anyway, ds fussed the whole way home and I had to pull over on the highway to make sure he was ok. And then it took me and dh almost 2 hours and another bottle to get both of them to sleep when I got home. After all that, I went to go make the bottles for the next day and such, and finally went to call them because I felt bad and it was too late. So took the time to send them this email (which I thought was pretty nice) when I was totally exhausted and just needed to sleep:

Hi, I was going to call you but we had a rough night over here so everything got delayed and I just finished all of my daily "chores." I am sorry about the way things were when I left tonight. I hope that you guys were not upset with me, I was just honestly trying to do what I thought was best for the babies. The sleeping schedule is new for them and for me and Dino and speaking from experience, it is not pretty if we miss the window of opportunity to put them to bed when they are tired. I am sure you know that already though. I thought they would fall asleep quickly and have a smooth night and since they were calm, I wanted to get them going as soon as possible before they had the chance to really get fussy. Unfortunately, the night did not turn out that way, Justin fussed the whole way home and I had to stop on the LIE to make sure he was ok. Then when we got home, it took me and Dino almost 2 hours to get them to go to sleep. It was very rough. Anyway, I just wanted you to see this from my point of view, and I understand yours as well. I know you wanted to show off your grandchildren and feel that 2 minutes would not make a difference but I have learned, it can. Like I said, Dino and I are still learning and I can say for myself at least, I will probably make many many mistakes, more than I have already made but I am trying to do my best by these babies and I just need to do what I think is right for them. Next time we are over, if you would like, I will personally go ring your neighbor's doorbell and ask them to come out to see the babies. I appreciate everything you guys do for us and the babies, today and all the time. We are all very lucky to have you both as our parents and grandparents. I just do not want there to be any hard feelings. I hope you had a great night and are sleeping peacefully now. Talk to you tomorrow


Mil is on vacation from work this week and is home and fil is home by 1pm. They are both the type to go online everyday and even if one of them saw this, I am sure they would tell the other to check it out. Whole day goes by, no response, no phone call, no nothing. Finally, when the babies went to bed tonight I needed to call them to ask mil something about yesterday that I need to check with the doctor about. So we talk, she acts like nothing happened. She is about to get off the phone and I said I don't know if you checked your email but I explained to her again and apologized again. And she was like well we were just really embarrassed. And I'm like hello, what about your grandchildren???? Isn't that what is important here. They have no f***in clue and never will. I am sorry for the language I am just really pissed. It was ok when we got off the phone and I am sure it will all blow over but I hate when there is upset and discomfort, it really gets to me. Especially with them, since we are still kind of in that "good behavior" stage, even though dh and I have been married for 6 years and together for over 10. I mean if it were my mom, no way in **** would I have apologized. Not that it is to the same extreme at all but I feel like this...... There is a movie about the Dilley sextuplets and the town has a fair and the parents are finally like we have to get out of here and her mom is like what will the people think, and they are like who cares, we need to do what is best for our babies. That is what I feel like here. And the thing that really burns me is that even dh, who was here with me last night, doesn't get it either. I mean he supports me but he thinks I should have waited. He has seen when ds crosses that line and can't get to sleep, I just don't get what he doesn't get. And say I am totally wrong and out of line, the inlaws #1 still should respect that I did what I thought was best for the babies and support me and #2 could have responded to my email, even just sent me a response that said ok. Also, the neighbors have a little girl, I am not sure how she is but she is young enough for them to remember what this is like and realize that I have got TWO babies not just one.

Anyway, I just needed to vent. I am still not happy about this but I will get over it.

 

Ilyse, :hug99: :hug99:. One hug for you now and one for later when you aren't over it yet.

I am sorry that your inlaws didn't see that you were trying to what is best for your babies. Just remember, they were parents a long time ago and they didn't have multiples, so they aren't going to see if from your perspective. But still it would be nice if they kinda tried.

I am glad to hear that you are getting on a good sleeping schedule. I hope it continues for you!

 

:hug99: In-laws are frustrating at times even when they are good people.

 

Sorry that you were put in a tough situation. I have been the "bad Guy" SEVERAL times with both friends and my MIL. But you know what - I could care less. None of them are coming home with you to deal with the fallout. When they have to deal with it they can plan the day. In your situation your ILs had the kids all afternoon - if they wanted the neighbors to see them so bad they could have done it earlier in the day.

Try not to let it bother you :hug99:

 

I so understand. I know it is hard b/c they really don't get it, and why should they since they are not the ones wh are going to have to deal with it when DS has a meltdown? My husband similarly doesn't understand and thinks I overreact about the exact same thing. My singleton DD was the worst about getting to sleep, if I missed that window it was he** They live 1hr20min away and let me tell you one time we left late and DD cried the WHOLE way home. I am lucky that for the most part both of these babies are much more able to go to sleep when they need to. My husbands parents are divorced so I have to deal with such things twice as much, MIL had 8 kids and still only sorta gets it sometimes, but FIL and SMIL are just in their own world and have no idea, SMIL had no kids so wants to have the babies somewhat, but really doesn't know what to do with them or what they need to not freak out. When they babies are there everyone wants to see them, on their schedule, but they just forget we have a schedule too.
I don't have any advice to help the situation, I just try not to get mad at FIL/SMIL too much, tell myself over and over (and over)that it has been for-never since they had a baby to deal with and don't remember what it is like, and do what I have to do to keep my babies happy.
Vent away
:hug99:
Alyson

 

Thanks for all the support ladies, it really helps to have my feelings validated. It tells me that I am not crazy and not a bad mommy. Sometimes people can really make you feel that way.

 

:hug99: to you. I totally understand your dilemma. My MIL/FIL love to take the kids out to the park, lunch, dinner but, they forget that they are on a schedule. I have the same issue with my Noah if he gets past over tired....well it is a nightmare for us. Stick to your guns. My DH says all the time we are the parents; not them. It is our way or no way!!!

 

I completely understand!!! My MIL/FIL & SIL/BIL thank my feeding schedule is crazy. Sarah (little one) has always had a harder time eating than Kaylee. Kaylee would eat whenever, wherever, whatever, although she will at times push the bottle out to only take it back a minute later. Sarah, on the other hand sometimes needs help. You have to sometimes nudge her to finish her bottle. She has always been that way. And I have always stressed makeing sure you get them to eat well at each feeding. But when the Inlaws are around, it's ****! As soon as either baby pushes the bottle out or stops eating, they pull the bottle out & say, she doesn't want anymore. Then they will say things to the baby like "It's ok honey, you don't have to have anymore if you don't want it!" Everytime I hear that I think I'm going to explode!!!! It is NOT OK ******!!! If Sarah does not eat as approx as much as Kaylee than Sarah gets hungry before Kaylee & then they are off all day. So I don't get anything done but feed, diaper & do over! She also won't eat as good when she's off her schedule.

We went home for vacation last week. the Friday before we were leaving, DH grandma was staying with my MIL/FIL. I heard the babies cry around 8 am, but MIL was doing that feeding against my better judgement. So I didn't get up since DD's stopped crying within a min or two. I assumed that Mary had started feeding them & they were fine! WRONG! Kaylee ate her usual 4 oz. Sarah (little one) however, didn't want to eat for Great grandma b/c she shoves the bottle down her throat. So when MIL tried she was to pissed/worked up to eat for her. So what does MIL do??? She gets her to go back to sleep w/out eating!!! I get up 45 min later & ask how they ate. As soon as she told me what happened, I went in & got her bottle warmed up & woke her to eat. She ate the entire 4 oz. Now if she wasn't hungry, than why did she eat so much??? And I paid for it all day b/c they were off schedule.

I think I heard "She'll eat when she's hungry" :db: :80: until I snapped! I explained the importance of their schedule at least a dozen times. But I don't think it registered at all! MIL replied once, well you know honey we're not always as hungry each time. I just smiled & said yes I understand. But I still want them on a schedule.

DH understands a little, but even he will say the same **** about they'll eat when they are hungry. I wonder if I'm the only one that gets it??? My mom & grandma get it! But My grandma who lives across the street sees them every day from day one & she knows their schedule & sees how well it works & how it is when they get off the schedule!

I think we need to just pray for more patience with our Inlaws. :blink: :blink: :crazy:

Let me know if you need to vent again! I'll gladly listen!
Jessica

 

My father in law is staying with us for a week right now for a visit. He thinks that if the babies cry at all, it's because I am too busy to pick them up so he goes and PICKS THEM UP. They are completely spoiled now. I have explained that they only fuss a minute or two and then they find a toy or their hand or whatever or they fall asleep if they are in bed, but no, he must pick them up. Oh well, they mean well. As far as sleep goes, I just stay home most of the time for now. Soon they'll be old enough to fool with their schedules but until then I have surrendered to being a slave to naps and bedtime It's not so bad. I do my shopping and errands in the evening after they go to bed and my husband is home. For me, it's worth it to be home all the time and know that they are getting the sleep they need and staying on a good schedule.

 

Oh man, I feel for you and UNDERSTAND!!! I love my in laws, too...they're great with the boys and help us out so much. But they come from the old school of "they'll sleep when they sleep, eat when they want" etc. Anyway, I've had to have more than one converstation with them about it. Frustrating!!!

Hang in there!

 

Thanks again for the understanding. Everyone but me and dh is like how you said Jessica, with ours and eating. They have issues and sometimes can't eat even when they want to so they need a break or need saline spray in their noses and everyone is so quick to give up. If they truly don't want to eat then fine, but most of the time that is not that the case and I know how frustrating that can be.