Need some perspective

I need some perspective from some moms who decided to either give up BFing or have always FF.

My babies were in the NICU for 17 days and I delivered vaginally at 34w6days...I have had many problems with BFing and the doctor told me to have them on supplements when we came home from the hospital. When I came home, I tried to start cutting back on the supplements, but I felt I still did not make enough milk for them, and I was totally depressed and really felt like I was going crazy. I decided to continue BFing and just give them a supplement every time. We are continuing to do this, and I just BF at night - which last night for DS was at 11p.m. off and on until 3:30 am when DD awoke and they both nursed and then fell asleep until 630 nursed again and then went to sleep until 730...Some nights seem like a nursing marathon every night...

Now I am exhausted...sometimes it takes me 45-60 minutes to feed them during the day - first nurse, and then bottle feed (I feed them both at the same time)

They do pretty well with their afternoon nap, so I do have a bit of a break then....I just am struggling SO much with the nursing thing, and I wanted someone's perspective that gave it up....are you glad you stopped? Do you wish you would have kept going? I think about it this decision EVERY DAY! It is driving me crazy...I feel like I cannot be the wife or mother I need to be sometimes...I usually go right to bed when they babies do and never have alone time with my husband...

I feel like I am wishing my babies time away....all I can think about some days is how they are being fed, and I forget to play with them, sing with them, etc...sometimes I think this will all be easier when they are older, and then I just wish they would get older...but then I am so sad that I am wishing away this precious baby time.

I have already posted in the Breastfeeding Forum...and I appreciate so much what those moms have gone through and all the advice they have given me...I just wanted some perspective from some bottlefeeding mamas...

Thanks for any help. I have been trying to pray and ask what is the best for me and my family....I am a first time mom and everything seems so confusing...not to mention those lovely hormones that are making me cry as I write this!!! I told myself to get to 3 months, and I did...now the goal is 4 months - which is Sunday.

 

The most important thing is that you are feeding your babies. I FF mine from birth and they are both fine, healthy, thriving girls who very rarely get sick. One has had an ear infection one time and that's it (other than the common cold.) You have to do what is best for your family. I don't know a whole lot about BF'ing so I don't know if it's possible to supplement more with formula and possibly mix it and then when it gets easier pick back up on the BF'ing? I never BF'd so that might be bad advice.

I just want to tell you to please not feel guilty with whatever method you choose to feed your babies; the important thing is that you are feeding them and doing what works best for your family.

:hug: The first few months with twinfants is very hard.

 

I agree with Aimee 100%.

I also formula fed my girls, I did try BF'ing, but I was dealing with some PPD & lack of sleep & I was unable to function. At that point I knew that I had to do what was best for my babies AND myself.
By deciding to bottle feed I allowed myself some time to 'heal' emotionally & get some much needed rest. In turn I was able to be a better mother to my girls.
So for US it was a win-win situation

Good luck and either way - whatever you decide do that works for you is the RIGHT decision :good: :hug:

 

:hug: You are amazing for BF for 4 months... I only made it 2 1/2 weeks with mine. I can say that i wish that i could have BF fed longer, to this day.. I even have rouge ideas of trying to re-latate, but mine are FF now and while it was a hard decision for me to give up BF... But while i was BF i felt like i was going to go crazy!!

I agree tho with the PP, that whatever you decided.. Your babies will be fed and loved just the same..

 

You have breastfed for much longer than many mothers with singletons do. If it is causing you so much other angst, I recommend giving it up. I wanted to breastfeed mine and did, for four weeks, when my life got turned upside down and I ended up hospitalized for 38 days, all the while having to pump and dump my useless breastmilk. The doctor and lactation consultant told me to give it up and still, I felt that I was a complete failure. Even though I regret my decision every day in some small way, I have to remind myself that my health was of the utmost importance at that time, and I needed to be here for the babies. I am certain you will feel that way too, but that small regret may be much easier to deal with than the pressure you feel right now. It is most important for your babies to have a happy, healthy mother and wife and if breastfeeding is causing you much distress, I think it is wise to consider giving it up. When I went to see my doctor and discussed how much it bothered me that I had to quit breastfeeding, he quickly reminded me that he was a formula fed bottle and that he turned out all right! Society places a lot of pressure on us mothers to breastfeed, but in some circumstances, we need to be reminded it is not the perfect babyfood. Congratulations on making it four months. I wish I could say the same.

 

How to feed your babies is completely your decision & whatever decision is right for you & your family is totally okay. I BF all 3 of my older ones for about a year, supplementing with formula starting at about 5 months. L&L got formula from about the 3rd or 4th day because I just couldn't seem to feed them enough & they were losing tons of weight. I BF them a much shorter time, maybe 6 months?, because, like you, I was getting so frustrated with the length of time it took to feed them. I never felt guilty & they are perfectly fine. If I had been able to BF them the way I did the other kids, I would have, but it just didn't work out. I really feel it's a decision best made by the parents & you shouldn't feel guilty no matter which way you go. :hug:

 

oh dear - formula is not horrible!!! I FF'ed from day one - and I'm glad I did - my 3 lb 8 oz daughter maintained her body weight and came home with me on the 4th day after my section...she lost no weight from birth (neither did my son) and within a month my son was 8 lbs (from 4 lb 8 oz) and she was 6 lbs - would my BM have done that - don't know...

Please please please if you decide that it is too much for you do NOT let the guilt eat you!!! You are FEEDING your babies - they love you whether that food comes from the bottle or the breast!

 

I gave it up at 5 weeks, and I was soooo glad. I will always regret that it didn't work out, because it was something I'd been looking forward to for years, but it was definitely the right decision for us. I was doing nothing but feeding (we were also nursing and then supplementing at every feeding -- they would try to nurse, but didn't get much), and barely had time to feed myself and catch a few hours of sleep. I felt like I had no relationship with the babies other than trying to shove a nipple in their mouths. And I was depressed, anemic, and weak as a kitten from bedrest, and needed my energy to heal myself.

You have done GREAT by making it to 4 months -- you can quit if that's the right decision for you. :hug:

 

delivered at 33 1/2 weeks, boys had 13 and 18 days in NICU, and they never latched. i pumped as much as i could but never produced enough milk to support them exclusively. at 3 months i couldn't take the stress anymore and i transitioned fully to formula.

my boys are healthy, intelligent, strong and meeting their milestones.

la leche league has women believing breastmilk is some kind of miracle food that will prevent all illnesses and make their babies' IQs 110 points smarter, and breastfeeding provides the only source of bonding your baby will ever know. we need to get real and stop putting this pressure on ourselves. it's not a miracle. yes, it's the best food for your baby. but it's not like the equation goes breastmilk = best, formula = bad. it's more like breastmilk = best, formula = really really good, too.

thousands and thousands of strong, successful, intelligent people walk this earth who knew nothing but formula. a generation ago it was more common to formula feed than not, and that's when formula was basically glorified powdered milk.

it's more important for moms to be less stressed and able to provide a happy, loving home. if you can do that while breastfeeding, that's great. if you can't, then that's great, too. it's not the measure of your success as a mom.

 

OK, so I was just in your situation and decided to stop. I don’t know what it was….with my oldest son I loved nursing. I did it exclusively until he weaned himself. I had such a hard time with the twins. I knew logically that breastmilk is ideal and I felt TONS of external (and internal) pressure to continue for as long as possible. But I just was miserable. I had to pump multiple times a day and I cried at least half of the times. I dreaded and put off nursing and pumping as long as possible every single day. That’s no way to live.

So I stopped two weeks ago when they hit 3 months. Do I feel guilty? Ya, a little I guess. As mommies we all want to do our very, very best of course. But the amount of times I feel sad now compared to the amount I was sad WHILE I was still nursing is like a fraction. Sure I wish I could have been super mom and nursed effortlessly, indefinitely, but I have an older child and a job and I simply didn’t have 24/7 to devote to trying to make it an enjoyable experience. It was just too much for me.

My days are much easier now -- emotionally. But I will say that the cost and time spent preparing formula is not insignificant. It’s still the better choice for our lives though. We can share the craziness vs. me carrying it all on my own.

You are incredible for making it this long – congratulate yourself! You’ve done great already.

 

QUOTE(piccologirl @ Jun 29 2009, 03:08 PM) [snapback]1374498[/snapback]
la leche league has women believing breastmilk is some kind of miracle food that will prevent all illnesses and make their babies' IQs 110 points smarter, and breastfeeding provides the only source of bonding your baby will ever know. we need to get real and stop putting this pressure on ourselves. it's not a miracle. yes, it's the best food for your baby. but it's not like the equation goes breastmilk = best, formula = bad. it's more like breastmilk = best, formula = really really good, too.
thousands and thousands of strong, successful, intelligent people walk this earth who knew nothing but formula. a generation ago it was more common to formula feed than not, and that's when formula was basically glorified powdered milk.


I dont agree with this at all. La leche league doesnt have women believe any one way. If you've ever attended a meeting most leaders will say there are no right and wrong answers. Everyone is encouraged to take with them what they wish and what will work for their family and leave the rest behind. They offer the scientific evidence and the knowledge/advice of mothers all around the world whom have breastfed- thats how LLL got started in the 50s, by 7 women who got together and talked about what they knew about breastfeeding. I dont think they put formula down either. Their goals are not to formula bash but to educate the benefits of breastmilk and support women who wish to provide their children with breastmilk no matter how small or large the quantity. Anymore alot of the studies done on breastmilk are actually performed by formula companies. Unfortunately not all leaders are created equal so if you had a bad experience, Im really sorry!

generations ago breastfeeding was the more common method as it is the natural psychiological way to feed a child - think back to when they had wet nurses. Formula feeding is the much more popular method of feeding here in America where this is one of the top industrialized countries. In many other countries where things arent so industrialized breastfeeding is still the most popular method.

QUOTE
it's more important for moms to be less stressed and able to provide a happy, loving home. if you can do that while breastfeeding, that's great. if you can't, then that's great, too. it's not the measure of your success as a mom.


I do however agree with this 100 percent Im glad that there are choices for all families.

To the OP, as a breastfeeding mom who has also used formula I wish you the best in your decision. Its really a tough choice and there are no wrong or right answers, just what works for you! :hug:

 

QUOTE(E&Msmom @ Jun 29 2009, 07:27 PM) [snapback]1374522[/snapback]
I dont agree with this at all. La leche league doesnt have women believe any one way. If you've ever attended a meeting most leaders will say there are no right and wrong answers. Everyone is encouraged to take with them what they wish and what will work for their family and leave the rest behind. They offer the scientific evidence and the knowledge/advice of mothers all around the world whom have breastfed- thats how LLL got started in the 50s, by 7 women who got together and talked about what they knew about breastfeeding. I dont think they put formula down either. Their goals are not to formula bash but to educate the benefits of breastmilk and support women who wish to provide their children with breastmilk no matter how small or large the quantity. Anymore alot of the studies done on breastmilk are actually performed by formula companies.

i'm glad you had a good experience with LLL. i did not. i even had a doula refuse to take me on as a client because she found out that i was willing to consider formula as an option. i had two lactation consultants nearly bring me to tears because my poor little preemies didn't have the jaw strength to latch and they scared me with the vision of "nipple confusion." not everyone has great happy experiences with those associated with LLL.

if you've never been in the position where your body refused to keep up with the demand no matter how desperately you wanted it to, and if you've never found yourself huddled on the floor in tears while hooked up to a breast pump for the umpteenth time, totally unable to deal with the stress and the PPD and the sense of failure, you can't possibly understand how the LLL messaging worsens that decision point.

 

I feel for you, I really do. Your words sound so much like mine, month after month of struggling to exclusively breastfeed and having to supplement or deal with the guilt of screaming starving babies. Every time I tried to cut down the supplementation and go more with breastfeeding, the boys growth would decline. In the early days they would nurse for at least 45 minutes (tandem, at least) then sleep 20 minutes, then scream for more food and by then they would refuse the breast, I think out of frustration, until I gave them another few ounces by bottle. Like some of the other mothers here, I had to be rehospitalized and separated from my babies after delivery, but fortunately my separation was short-lived, even though it still had an impact on feeding, I think.

Dh keeps reminding me of how glad he is we have been supplementing because he has been able to help with feedings, and he also believes it has helped our babies get the calories they need and be happy.

Oh, how I wish that I could have breastfed them exclusively. I remind myself and you that most women, even mothers of singletons, do not breastfeed and if they do, they don't do it for long. You're doing an amazing job!!

I found a compromise. I cut down to only nursing at night because bottle-feeding at night was too difficult for me having to prepare/warm bottles and struggle to get the boys to take them when they were rooting. Even now that one baby is completely sleeping all night without a peep, the other wakes for one feeding a night and I nurse him. Now it only takes about 10-20 minutes and he's satisfied. I still nurse him occasionally during the day if he's not doing well with his bottles, but it is much more relaxed now whereas before it was so stressful trying to nurse/pump/bottle every 2-3 hours.

I also still pump 3-4 times a day and that gives me some milk to give to my son that refuses to nurse - he cut me off a month ago but had been threatening such actions since birth (he's always had difficulty nursing). I'm now at a point where this works for me and think I can make it to the 12 month mark.

You don't have to give it up entirely, especially if you're not sure. Maybe try giving more bottles and pumping instead of nursing. This will keep your milk supply for longer while you see how the drop in nursing affects you and your babies. It will also buy you a little more time to think about this.

A little benefit I found for continuing is that we use Kirkland formula, which is pretty foamy. Add a little breastmilk to it and all the foam disappears. It also helps the formula mix a lot easier.

Big hugs to you! You really have done an amazing job and continue to do so!!!

 

Way to make it to 3 months!! That is awesome!! Before I had my twins my goal was 9 months and it wasn't more than a month after their birth that I realized for me that wasn't a very realistic goal. I was so far away from family, had no help because my husband (a pilot) had at that time very unusual and long hours (although he definitely made up for it when he was home) and I felt like there was no time to breastfeed because my other baby would be screaming, I always needed an extra set of hands to feed two at once and then when I needed to pump I couldn't get 15 minutes to do it.

So at the 3 month mark I said ok, I've done the very best I can do and we went to formula exclusively. I felt guilty about it for a few weeks, but then I reminded myself that for 3 months my babies got some breast milk every day and that they got more than many singletons do. In my opinion, when you get to the point that it is more stressful than enjoyable it's time to quit. Breastfeeding has so many benefits for mother and baby, but bonding is one of the biggest benefits. You can still get that with bottle feeding and don't let anyone tell you any different. Again, congratulations on making it this far...now just enjoy feeding your babies and watching them grow!

 

Hello,
I BF while our babies were in the NICU for 3 weeks (and pumped a lot!). My supply was okay, getting better (but they were always supplemented in the hospital and at home). When my husband went back to work, I was alone with the babies. Neither of them latched very well or took off with BF. Our feeding sessions were taking forever. I would try to BF both of them (or one of them), then supplement, them pump. I was utterly exhausted and ended up with PPD. I kept dragging along because I felt so guilty about stopping. I met with their pedi and asked her if it was okay to stop. She was very supportive and said there was no medical reason to keep going. I finally stopped around 6 weeks or so. I don't have any regrets now. I'm glad I tried it, but it didn't work for me in the long run. The nice thing about FF is that someone else can do it! My husband took night feedings for one of the twins. I had a couple of friends who would come over and help feed them. It was such a relief to hand over a baby and get some help!! whew....
Please don't beat yourself up if you need/want to stop. I did, and it was unnecessary. My twins are big and healthy. We are bonded and I couldn't love them more. Whatever you choose, you will be a great Mom!

GL, Beth

 

QUOTE(aimeethomp @ Jun 29 2009, 04:42 PM) [snapback]1374307[/snapback]
I just want to tell you to please not feel guilty with whatever method you choose to feed your babies; the important thing is that you are feeding them and doing what works best for your family.


Yes! I tried with the twins, and it didn't work out. I felt incredibly guilty, but it really was the best thing for ALL of us. Moms count too. :grouphug:

 

:hug: to you. I FF fed my twins and it was the best decision for me and my family. I was so nervous, stressed out, emotional after the twins were born...I just did not think I could handle it. Please don't feel guilty if you choose to stop, as everyone else said on this thread, all that matter is that your children are fed and you are a happy mommy. Good luck with your decision :hug:

 

I know you wanted to talk with Moms who quit or never breastfed, so I don't want to comment in this thread about that. I somehow missed your thread in the breastfeeding forum, so I'll add my two cents over there.....

Remember no matter what your decision, you'll find a lot of support around here.

 

I was in a very similar situation, and in the end, at 6 wks, I called my dh at work in absolute tears and asked if we could afford to FF the babies. The stress of nursing constantly (6 wk growth spurt), and then having to supplement because I didn't have enough milk, plus dealing with my 2 older kids, I never got to eat right, didn't drink enough....I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I switched to formula only the next day, and yes I do regret it, I enjoyed nursing my older kids, but for my sanity, my peace of mind, and the health of both my babies and my older kids, this was the right decision for us.

Ultimately you have to do what's right for YOU. Don't do what "they" say is right. In the end you are the one who has to be happy with your decision.

I think part of me will always be sad I had to quit so early, because these are my last babies. But I finally began enjoying my babies again, I wasn't near as stressed about "Are they getting enough? Why are they crying? What else can I try to get my milk up?" Plus we were on our third round of thrush in 6 wks, I had just had enough.

:hug:

 

Oh dear...I am so sorry! I completely understand. I tried to BF and it did not work out for me. First of all, I did not produce very much and I had to supplement from the beginning. I would BF for 20 minutes, Bottle feed for 50 minutes, pump for 30 minutes then do it all over in 1.5 hours. I had no rest and I was going CRAZY!! One night in the middle of my crying, DH held my hand and told me that we could FF only!

I wanted to BF for money reasons and that was it. Plus, I felt that I was not bonding with the kids because I was concentrating on the work I had to do to get them fed.

Someone here on this board (I'm sorry I do not know who) saved my sanity because they stated that Formula was the #1 monitored item by the FDA. It totally makes sense to me. I used Enfamil until they were 2 months old and now I switched to Members Mark (generic Enfamil). The freedom is devine.

I have not looked back and look forward to feeding and being with my boys!

I know it is a hard decision, but it was the best my husband and I ever did.

Jenn

 

Thank you all for your perspectives.

I don't think any of you have failed if you did not breastfeed and you wanted to! I never realized how hard this would be, and I think I was humbled! Never again will I judge ANY mother by how she decides to parent her children.

DH and I had a good talk last night, and we will continue (for now) to do what we have been doing...and if I need a break, we will just give them a bottle! I am going to try and stop stressing so much over it!!

Thanks so much again....I really appreciate it.