Need Some Advice W/ Dh

Hi Ladies,

Mainly I am posting to vent and see if anyone elses dh is like mine. My dh barely helps at all. He has never done a nightly feeding (but actually I never needed his help, but would be nice if he would do one so I can sleep), granted the boys only wake up once around 4-5 but still. He will spend maybe 10 mins a day with them, and that is only if they are in a good mood. If I ask him to do something he will ask why, instead of just going ahead and doing it. When ever we have people over or if we are somewhere and it's feeding time he will try and pawn "his" baby off on someone. We are going to his bros and sil house (they have a 10 yr old and 11mth old) on Sat. and he has the nerve to ask him mom to watch the boys. I ask why he did that and he says Oh so we wouldn't have to take them... now why would he do that, that really peed me off. Needless to say we are taking the boys, I take them everywhere. He acts like they are a burden. He claims he loves them more than anything and I'm sure he does but why does he only want them at his disposal?

He will not watch them by him self. Maybe they are a bit young but I feel he should atleast try. I need to get my haircut for our pictures next Sat. and I have no clue how I'm going to do it b/c dh will not watch them. I can't go to the grocery store, gym or anything. I feel like a prisioner in my own home. When I try and tell dh how I feel he says what is wrong w/ your motherly instinct, why do you want to leave your boys (as he's walking out the door to go somewhere)... ugh, it has nothing to do w/ motherly instint it has to do w/ me time. I've just went back to work and it's ten times harder. My mom is watching the boys during the day at our house so it's not like I can stop anywhere on my way home b/c she is in a hurry to get home and get dinner ready for my dad and her plus she has chores to do too.

Sorry is this is so hard to understand and I probably sound like I am a very ungrateful person. I just pictured things differently. I thought dh would be much more involved than he is. I tell him all the time I'm sorry that they did not pop out 5 yrs old. He acts like he wants them to hurry up and grow up and I'm having a hard enough time with them turning 2 months old last week already.

Mainly I'm looking for someone I can relate to, and some advice on how to get my dh to help out more and to try and bond w/ his boys. And I would pay someone if they could get dh to watch the boys for even 5 mins.

Thanks for reading this rambling. I really can not think straight these days, lol.

 

First of all, :hug99: to you. You deserve a big one. I don't know how you are doing it by yourself and working too. I also work full time, but my DH is very involved. I couldn't do it without his help. I know with the first set, I had a hard time getting him involved. I found out later that he was just afraid he was doing something wrong and I was also criticizing him a lot if he didn't do things exactly the way I would. I'm not sure if that's the case with your situation or not.

As for pawning off a baby at feeding time, DH still pulls this one and it annoys me to no end. I always feel sorry for family that comes to visit us. I work 4 days a week- 6:30am-5pm. Every day he asks me what time I'm done and I'm expected to be home by 5:18pm. If I'm not,the cell phone is ringing and there is attitude when I get home.

He gets his time away on the weekends and Wednesdays when I'm off work. I sat down with him and had a long talk to explain that I needed some "me" time. I really had to work to get it through his head that coming to work was not "me" time. We finally have come to a little bit of a compromise. I do most of my shopping at night after the kids are in bed. About once every two weeks, I have a night to myself where I can just go do whatever. Sometimes he complains about it, but usually he's pretty good about it.

Communication and teamwork are essential. PM me if you need to talk. Try talking to him sometime when neither of you are distracted or upset.

Crystal

 

:hug99: You are definitely not alone, a lot of guys react this way to new babies. Most women are able to make the conversion from just being a wife to being a wife and mom much easier than guys. The first year with twins is a huge stress on marriage.
I don't really have much advise for getting him to understand, other than a heart to heart about how you are feeling and what he can do to help.
Hang in there!

 

I could have written your post!!!!!!!

We have four children. I work part time - we have an autistic six year old, a bossy four year old, and the five month old twins. My husband does NOTHING around the house. He comes home, eats, and sits in front of the computer. He does read a story to the older kids at bed time - but that is it!!! I do everything with and for the twins, I do all the caring for the older two, I cook all the dinners, I clean the house - I do everything. When I ask him to help all he can say is - "My life doesn't revolve around babies and housework." That irritates me so much. I love our kids but sometimes I have to fold the laundry or clean the bathroom. Our girls never even sleep at the same time unless it is on me!!!

Today was a real topper!!! I have the four kids, I have to get the house set for Easter (my entire family is coming), I have to get food ready for Easter, I had to go to get the Ham today - all that stuff. Well, we got 12 inches of snow in the last two days. HE DIDN'T SNOW BLOW THE DRIVEWAY!!! He has a truck so it isn't an issue for him to get out!! I was so mad. Thus - on top of everything else I had to do today I also had to snowblow the driveway!!!!

I know what you mean about it not being like you planned. Before we had kids my husband and I were best friends. We did everything together and we never fought. I thought he would be such a loving and happy father. He was kind of like a fun kid himself so I thought he would really enjoy having kids. Then we had Gabe. Everything changed. He started needing "me" time. He was "uncomforable" taking care of babies or playing with them. With one you can deal with it, but sometimes you need help with twins.

Sorry I don't have a lot of advice - but I understand. What I had to start doing was just demanding that DH do things. Instead of saying "Will you take one?" I had to start with, "Which one do you want." He still complains but at least it is more than it would be if I let him do what he wanted - ie live in front of the computer and do nothing but yell.

Angel

 

He is probably going through the phase of not being number one anymore....he will eventually work it out and hopefully be more helpful.

 

Sounds like my DH!

:hug99: to you!

I would tell you it gets better, but I would be lying. Mine still HAS NOT watched them alone. The longest was for 10 minutes yesterday for me to run to the gas station to get HIM some Skoal.

It is a good thing I can take care of them by my lonesome... because I always have. He does spend some time with them, but he doesn't do what DH's should... he hardly ever gets down in the floor to play with them, I have to TELL him to.

Maybe your DH will make a turn around!

 

Unfortunately, you are definitely not alone on this issue. I have no idea why guys think that they can just walk away from their responsibilities. My DH thinks it's nothing to call me from work and say he's going out...then not come home til midnight. I think it is a major cop-out to act like it's a "guy" thing to not want to hold or diaper babies. What the heck...like I WANT to change a poopy diaper?!? :angry: Give me a freakin' break. DH and I have almost gotten a divorce several times during the past 6 months. Would your DH be willing to go to counseling with you? Hopefully he'll come around once they get a bit older, but if he doesn't, I'd try counseling. You'd be amazed some of the stuff that comes out of their mouths. My DH actually admitted he was scared of our boys. Not physically obviously but just not knowing what they were going to do or what he should do with them or that he might hurt them.

I too never imagined that parenthood would be this way. After all we went thru to actually have these babies, I thought he would be an enthusiatic father. It just hasn't turned out that way yet.

Hang in there. :hug99:

Shannon

 

Do you think maybe he's afraid of caring for them without you? I know neither me or my DH was ever really around babies at all before we had ours. Luckily, he's good about letting me get out a few hours on the weekend to at least escape and go grocery shopping (yippee). Since our son has been colickly recently he was very hesitant about being alone with them while I went to a meeting at night, so he actually had his mother come help him. I thought it was a little cheesy, but whatever. When the colic sets in, it is really hard.

Anyways, my point was, do you think he just doesn't feel comfortable, like he knows how to care for a baby, and just hasn't told you...or maybe he doesn't even realize it himself?

hugs

 

:hug99: I just wanted to say that hopefully, like in my case, it does get better. My girls were very tough at first and although he did things I'd ask him to do he never really showed affection. Later I found out he was sort of afraid of them. Like he was intimidated by them. I couldn't give him an option of what to do...I had to tell him what I wanted done. I confronted him with my feelings and his behavior and even though it brought on a huge fight...he finally saw my point of view. My advice would be to keep talking to him. As for leaving him alone with them, start out small like a run to the store for diapers or milk. Maybe he just thinks he can't do it. I hope things get better!

 

I have to say that i could have written that post when they were little. He didnt help me at all and only helped out with a handfull of night feedings when i had an epileptic fit. He basically did nothing. I would be trying to feed both babies and he would come downstairs and say right i am off to here. Not do you need any help before i go. I cant do that though even going to the shop 5 mins away is a hassle for him. I feel guilty when i go out after the babies are in bed because im not there to look after them. Its the same when he comes home from work he says right i am off to play the computer for some peace and quiet!! I want to shout you have been at work all day youve had 8 hours peace and quiet!!! He thinks spending maybe 1/2 hour with them a day is enough time. He has always said if you cuold go away and come back when they were 1 he would be fine. I mean the only time he looks after them by hisslef is when i got to work and it is only for 1.5 hours. I have to say though moaning about him there he is getting a lot better and he shows he loves them a lot more now but in the first few months i could have strangled him. So i know where you are coming from and hope things get better for you. so big hugs to you x

 

I know you're looking for advice, and I'm sorry that I don't have any (except that I would lay down the law with him--but that's just me), but I just wanted to say that you must be a very strong person--your boys are lucky to have you. I hope you get some good advice and keep venting here, it's helped me before just to know that there's always someone on here thats BTDT.
Big :hug99:

 

First of all I want to send you a big ol :hug99: You were honestly describing my DH in your post. That is exactly how he was during the first 1.5 years of there life. In fact the other day he was looking at some scrapbooks I had made and commented on how there were hardly any pictures of him with the twins when they were little. I just looked at him and he immediatly knew why. He was never around them, and would pawn off "his" baby the minute someone else was around. Looking back I honestly think he felt inadequate, and did not "know" what to do around small children. Now that they are older and can speak for themselves he is SOOO much better. Hopefully your DH will change as they get older too. I wish I had some advice for you sweetie, but I don't or I would've used it myself. God Bless you.