Need Mom Advice

Hello Everyone,

I am starting to get a little concerned as I get closer to the birth of my babies about a family issue. I am 31 weeks, and my mother has offered to come and assist for 2 weeks to 1 month after the twins are born.

At first I was just happy for the offer of help, but recently I'm starting to get worried. I have had a very complicated past with my mom - she is in denial about being an alcoholic. It's only wine, but she can easily drain a bottle or more by herself. This is when repressed stuff comes out and she starts to rage or cry. Later, she remembers nothing. In her mind, she's a good, sweet person who doesn't do anything wrong by anyone. She never stands up for herself and takes everything on her shoulders, and I believe that this is her way of self-medicating. It's a big rage-guilt-depression roller coarter.

When I was younger, I didn't understand all of this. I just new that my mom acted different sometimes and wouldn't remember it later. It was like Jekyll and Hide - you never knew if she would be nice or in one of her strange states. I honestly feel as if this resulted in a lot of emotional abuse that caused to a great extent a bout of depression I went through starting in college.

The problem is, it's like she's compartmentalized these different sides of herself. She sees herself as a good and spiritual person who has done no wrong. She doesn't remember what she says or does in this state. She even drank too much at my shower and ended up crying and blacking out - she couldn't remember that I had already opened my presents. We had to repeat things to her again and again.

Recently I'm starting to worry that she's finally coming to a nervous breakdown. I spent a few hours on the phone with her alternately crying and swearing and shouting about what she's going through. This brought up some pain from the past and wasn't such a nice thing to handle when you're 8 months pregnant with twins and already hormonal and emotional. But it's like, out of her five kids, I'm the one who has always been her emotional dumping ground, and she doesn't think about these things.

She wrote us an email today saying she felt close to breaking down and wouldn't be able to attend the Thanksgiving we had all planned together. She says she needs to get herself and her work together so that she is able to come for me and the twins.

If she is this fragile, do I really want her here? I need the help, but I don't need the drama. Telling her not to come would raise holy **** though and I fear send her over the edge. We all walk on eggshells around her because we are all afraid of this. I do not want any of this emotional or alcoholic nonsense in my own home around the birth of my twins. This is a time when I'll already be vulnerable and prone to postpartum depression. I feel like not allowing alcohol in my house when she comes, but even this will start a war. I feel there is no solution.

My feeling is that she is honestly close to exhaution and breakdown and needs some good psychological help. She doesn't have health insurance, to my knowledge, and I'm not sure how to get her help. She would probably see this as a judgement anyway.

Sorry, this is a really long post. There's just so much here - it goes on and on. She's been through a lot and has never quite dealt with it, so these things keep coming up whenever she perceives a new threat in her life.

If anyone is a psychiatric or psychological professional or has any good advice, please post here or IM me. I just want to know what to do in this situation.

I just want this birth to be the experience I want this time around. The last time, I was living with her because I was waiting for my husband to get his papers to come from abroad. She was often cruel in this situation and he wasn't able to come until 10 days after our daughter was born. I don't want a repeat of the past. I have a happy and stable immediate family and have been able to get over this emotional struggle and move on. I don't want her coming in and upsetting the balance. The fact is, though, I don't know if I can turn away the help.

Thanks for listening. Mostly, I think I just needed to get this off my chest, but any suggestions for a peaceful solution to this would be much appreciated. I feel like joining a support group for children of alcoholics or something, but I'm on bedrest and can't even leave the house.

 

im so sorry it breaks my heart to know there are more people like me who had suffered with alcholicism in the family My mother was one as well; when she wasnt drinking she was the most wonderful mom but the alchol was her posion and sadly she passed away from over abusing OTC drugs and booze( i dont want to scare u; your mother CAN get help but she has to WANT to get help-no one can make her its her choice--thats said; i would feel aprehensive to let her stay with u to watch the babies with her fragile condition it sounds like she is on a verge of a meltdown=we had many of these in our childhood-very sad/scary--
I dont know if u can talk to her when she is sober to let her know u wont allow her to have any drinks at all while she stays with u-if she stays-and your uncomfortable having her take care of 2 newborn babies when she is still in a fragile state--
I would never --this is just me--my mother wasnt the best mom for taking care of kids; we basically had to raise ourselfs-if my mom were stil alive today; and she was still drinking i wouldnt let her near my kids-but its a personal choice only u and hubby can make--This is just one readers story from someone who has been there and is a stronger person for having to live thru the **** that i did-I do wish u the best of luck)

 

It is not easy being a child of an alcoholic, I know from experince. Some groups have online meetings. Not sure if Al-Anon does, but could be worth looking into.

I wish I had some great adivce for you. I think you need to do what is best for you. It can be hard to do that when you know it could effect somone else in a negative way. Can you talk to her when she is sober without it being too much of a tramic thing? Could she come and maybe stay in a hotel and not in your house?

Dianna

 

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with so much right now! I have no idea of advice on how to handle the whole situation. I liked what the PP said about seeing if she could stay in a hotel or something? I'm sure it is a very delicate balance in keeping the peace. I would definitely try to resolve what is going to happen when the babies come sometime soon so that it will be established and not a surprise to your mother. I hope that the whole thing works out for you. I'm going to say a prayer for you right now that it is made clear to you the best way to handle the situation. Take care :hug99:

 

Thanks, everyone, for all the support. I agree that it's necessary to sort this out before she comes. The problem is that she lives in another state, and it's hard to express all of this over the phone. I also fear that she'll see asking her not to stay here as being a slight. Maybe if I put it to her the right way, like I want her to be pampered a bit as long as she's here.

Thanks for the prayers. I hope that it all becomes clearer.

 

Hi,
I also have a very difficult relationship with my mother. It has gotten worse lately beacuse I'm at th point where I refuse to but her needs before my family any longer. For me, I have 2 kids ( one with health issues) and am expecting twins and am already on bed rest. I finally put a stop to things a few weeks ago by telling my mother that if she wants to be part of my life and her grandchildren she has to get back into therapy and look into psychiatric medication again. I told her I will no longer excuse her behavior or put up with it. Until she does this there will be no relationship so it is her choice. My mother is stronger then she looks and she wants pity and sympathy so others feel bad for her. The scary part of all of this is my mother is a psychologist....

 

QUOTE(SoBlessed @ Nov 16 2007, 02:01 AM) [snapback]498013[/snapback]
I'm sure it is a very delicate balance in keeping the peace.


I think the problem is that in order to take care of yourself and your family, you can't worry about keeping the peace anymore. You're either going to keep sacrificing yourself to your mom's alcoholism or you're going to tick her off. What you WON'T do is cause her to break down - she's taking care of that nicely by herself.

This is a multi-generational issue in our family...made much much better with the help of AA and Al Anon. Some AA and Al Anon groups will do home and/or hospital visits. Maybe you could call one and see if someone would visit with you?

 

Thanks so much for sharing your situation with everyone ~ It sadly is comforting to know there are so many others out there dealing with family issues during this time that is supposed to be the happiest time.

In my situation, my mother is not an alcoholic, but Bi-Polar with some schitzophrenia. She took herself off all medications right before I found out I was pregnant with twins (great timing) and now 7.5 months later is full blown out of it and has been in and out of the hospital for the past 4 months & is refusing help from family members who are trying.
Unfortunately for me, my husband & these 2 little girls that will be here next month I have had to cut her out of my life for now (no phone calls or visits at all). This has gone on & off my whole life & like you my childhood was a little bit strange & I never knew what 'type of day' it would be with her.
Until she can get herself sorted out & back on medication I will have nothing to do with her (hardest thing I have had to do) and dont want the new babies around her.

My suggestion is to keep the toxic people at a distance. Though the help would be wonderful, it is not worth your emotional state of mind to have someone around that can do more damage than good at this point.

I would have done anything to have had my mom around during my pregnancy, but I had to make the choice based on what is best for me & my emotions & the little babies It is very sad, but all things work out in the end.

I know you will do what is best for you & your family & just stay strong

Good luck ~

 

I'm sorry to hear about everyone's experiences. My Mom's not a psychologist, but she does believe herself to be a very spiritual person. She's read and heard all the right things, but she just doesn't internalize them. I feel like she should know better.

Good to know about Al-Anon - I'll give them a call. Thanks!

I did some research last night about Al-Anon, which led me to other sites about symptoms and side effects of alcoholism, and how to confront the problem.

I am now completely convinced that she's an alcoholic - something that I denied a bit before. In fact, the very things that caused me to doubt actually were the things that helped me to finally realize that this is her problem.

For instance, she never really gets hangovers or throws up. I learned that alcoholics often learn to deal with the symptoms of alcoholism so well that people don't notice. The numbing and nerve-damaging effects also make them feel these effects less over time.

I also learned that my initial nurturing instincts are leading me to take the wrong responses. I thought that by listening with concern and not expressing my true feelings I was helping her, or at least not troubling her further. I now know that this was a part of being tangled up in the controlling alcoholic behavior. I see now that the truly kind thing to do is to not try to save her from her problems. She needs to see the extent of the damage she is doing to herself and others if she is going to stop. I realize that a crisis might be what she needs to pull out of this, and trying to keep her from it is only helping the behavior to continue.

It feels so good to lay all of this out there and to realize I'm not the cruel or crazy one. Just have to find a way to break this all to her. Thanks again for the support.