Need help - what am I doing wrong

Okay - I'm trying very hard not to cry right now.

I already posted this morning because DH and I are just stressed out from not sleeping and I just don't know what to do anymore. I come in here and read the posts to try and get tips but I end up getting all teary eyed (at work mind you) because I feel like my girls are the only ones who aren't sleeping through the night. I keep trying new things and they seem to get better, but then go right back to getting up multiple times a night. I don't know if it's better or worse that they seem to get better for a few nights, then go right back to their old routine of waking up several times a night. Everytime I try something new, I get my hopes up then come crashing down again.

*I put them to bed at night by 7pm - I make sure it's before they get overtired.
*I look for cues that they are getting tired and put them down.
*I do dream feeds at 9 pm and sometimes 11 pm.
*They take at least 3 naps during the day and they nap well. When they are awake they are active and happy.
*I play white noise in their room so nothing wakes them up.
*I have a night time routine for them and they fall asleep really easily - they rarely CIO - if they do it's only minutes long.

Why is it that STTN seems like a total impossibility? What else can I do? I really need to sleep. DH and I starting to get at each other's throats because we are both working and we are both sick of getting up multiple times.

Any advice for sleeping or even how DH and I would be able to get more sleep would be great. I feel like I whine in postings on this site all the time, but I just got to the point this morning where I need something to change or I'm going to go crazy. I must be moody today.

Sorry for such a long post...

 

Okay.. first of all.. You aren't whining. You are doing MUCH better than I would be in your situation!! I was about to blow my brains out every minute of every day for the first 14 weeks. I LITERALLY thought I was not going to make it. I'm not kidding.. and me and DH did shifts so I HAD SLEEP!!!! I feel like I was a wimp or a loser cuz I couldn't handle it but I am NOT afraid to admit it!! I cried EVERY single day.. You are not whining at all, and I CERTAINLY understand why you are upset!! OMG. Who would not be? Oh and I wasn't/am not working either...

I'll try to help you. The only thing I can tell you for sure is that this is TOUGH! It never gets EASIER, you just get used to it! That's my experience anyway. As long as you have an active participant in your husband-- you 2 can do this.

First of all.. You need to start doing shifts. This is PARAMOUNT in a) the survival of your sanity B) the survival of your marriage c) the survival of your careers outside of the home. IF you are getting up more than one time at nite- you need to have shifts set up starting now.

I will tell you what DH and I did but you will need to adjust based on when you go to work and when DH goes to work.

I went to bed at 7 pm in my OWN room. I turned on 2 high power fans shut my door and set my alarm for 4 am. He did the feedings until 4 am and when I got up at 4 am I shut HIS door and he slept until 9 am. I got 8 hrs straight and he got five STRAIGHT but-- he slept in between feedings also.. I got lucky due to the fact that I have insomnia and have to take sleeping pills to sleep--- would have NEVER slept between feedings!! It worked out very well.

There were only 2 nites that we BOTH got up due to something weird happening.. Don't remember what.

But the uninterrupted sleep that you can BANK on was PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Neither of us were ever tired! I mean, it was like a miracle.. People couldn't believe I wasn't sleep deprived and when I shared our routine-- they were like "Duh.. why didn't I think of that!!??"

Like I said, it's going to depend on your own work schedule- but you can work it out so you aren't BOTH getting up!! It just doesn't make sense for both parents to get up.

How many oz per day are they getting? How many hrs apart? How long and how many naps??

Mine started STTN at 14 wks adjusted just by LUCK. I never did CIO or anything. I was going to leave it up to them to decide when they wanted to sTTN and I got very lucky. Don't feel bad that yours are not. From what I've learned--- MANY MANY babies are NOT STTN!!!! You are not alone.

Tell me what you think about starting shifts. That should be your first step... GET SOME SLEEP.

And are you doing baths at nite? When we started doing nightly baths and the EXACT same routine every nite-- it really seemed to help them "get it." We never miss a nite w/ baths!! Oh and our bedtime is 6:00 pm SHARP!! We start bedtime routines at 5:10 pm no earlier, no later. We are never away from home at that time.

Let me know what you think. PM me if you want to. I am happy to help if I am able. OH and FWIW-- mine take 4 45 minute naps per day no more- no less..

 

:hug99: Exhaustion can be so hard to cope with. You're a great mommy, and it sounds like you and your DH have used some great sleep strategies. Some babies just don't sleep as well as others, and some take longer to get into a good sleep rhythm.

I'll tell you what we do. It's probably different than anything the books say to do, so take it or leave it. It's just what seems to be working for us.

We basically put the babies down when we go to sleep. In the early evening, we (especially my DH who loves playing with them) wear them out with lots and lots and lots of play time. Tummy time. Bouncing on our knees time. Jumperoo time. Standing time. Singing and dancing time. You name it! They then usually nap (so I guess you could call this bedtime) from about 8:30 on. Sometimes they don't.

I cluster feed them during the evening (BF) (every couple of hours) and top them off with some formula right before we all go to bed. We start getting ready for bed around 10:00-10:30. We swaddle them, and they usually fall right to sleep (some nights it takes more work than others, but we don't CIO), and sleep to somewhere between 7:30 and 8:30 AM. We do have to pop in some pacifiers throughout the night, but that's not such a big deal.

I guess what I'm saying is not to follow what we do, but to use what works for your family, even if it's not in the books. It really sounds like you're doing a great job, and I hope the kids will get more sleep soon. Could you and your DH spot each other off for a few nights, alternate nights so that you're not always exhausted?

 

You are not whining, just telling it like it is.

1. Forget about trying to force them to STTN and change the way you are dealing with it. We just cannot control anything they do and even if you are doing everything right, they may not STTN. Mine babies did not start STTN until 8.5 months. And, even then I had to finally put them in separate nurseries. The first night I separated them they STTN. It is not uncommon for babies to not STTN until 9 months or so.

AGAIN, stop worrying about STTN and change how you are handling it.

2. I would probably drop the dream feeds. In my opinion it messes with the babies to wake them up when they are in a sleep just to feed them. I would be mad if someone did that to me ! Also, it is obviously not working so I would drop those. Again, just my opinion.

3. In order to deal with the sleepless nights DH and I took shifts. I went to sleep in our master bedroom downstairs from 10pm-2:30am and DH slept in the guest room next to the nursery. That way I was gaurunteed not to hear anybody and get at least a couple hours of sleep. He would then come down and get me and we would switch and I would go upstairs for the second shift.

4. Also, we hired a night nanny to come 3 nights a week from 11pm-6am. We could only afford this for a couple of months but it was really great and helped us get through the most difficult, sleepless times.

You definitly need sleep. I would say that on no sleep every cries and gets grumpy. The first thing that happens to me if I do not get sleep is I start crying at everything. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time, we've all been there and it is terrible. In my opinion my biggest peice of advice would be to not put so much pressure on yourself or the babies about sleeping. It sounds like you are a great mom and doing a great job with naps etc.... I remember thinking they were NEVEr going to STTN but, they did! Everything got easier after that! Finally, I do remember that about a month before they started to STTN consistently they would sort of have a good couple of nights and we would get our hopes up and then it would go bad again!

HTH
Amy

 

My boys are almost 10 months and still not STTN. We dropped the late night feeding for both boys around 6 months. They got close to STTN but then started teething and that went out the door. At least one of them wakes every night and cries for anywhere between 30 mins and 1.5 hours. I don't go into their room and just let them CIO.

The first 10 months have been tough, but I'll tell you that it gets better every day. Thinking back when my boys were your age, I went through the same ordeal. You'll get through it, you just need to give it time. You can try every trick in the book and it'll seem like it's working and then you realize that it isn't working at all. Every baby is different.

I really don't have any recommendations, I just wanted you to know that it will get better. Nobody knows your babies like you do, so you just need to react and make the best decision at that point in time. Once they drop the late night feedings, it will get better because you can start working on getting them to STTN. Like I said, my last one dropped it about 6 months and I was so excited when he did.

Seriously, when your kiddos are 10 months, you'll look back and think that it was bad, but it's such a distant memory that you'll forget exactly how bad it was... kind of like the pregnancy!

Good luck to you!

 

You are NOT alone!! My boys aren't even close to sleeping through the night (2 night feeds) and they have even started solids during the day. I really just think they will do it when they are ready. I get literally nauseous when I read the posts of babies sttn at 2-3 months. I am a SAHM but am never able to nap. DH doesn't do night feedings and when he does (once a month) I can't sleep b/c I'm worried he's doing it wrong.

I def. think you should drop the dream feeds. Let them wake up on their own and you may only have to get up once a night. That being said, if one baby wakes to eat, feed the other. My key to a good night sleep now is at least 3 hours at a time. When I am getting up every 2 hours I am miserable the next day. Taking turns with DH (if you're lucky enough to have one that will) should help you.

Good luck and please remember that there are a lot of us out here who are sharing in your struggle.

 

:hug99: :hug99: :hug99: :hug99:

Hope they STTN soon for you.

Dianna

 

Like everyone has said- you are so not alone and you're not whining. It's really hard to be sleep deprived and work and take care of your kids and maintain a marriage, a home, etc... I don't know when my boys are going to start sttn, hopefully soon, but I'm just trying to keep the routine together so that it will fall into place when they're ready. It sounds like you have laid down some very important ground work for this to happen. Good luck! I hope they're sttn for you soon!!

 

Like a few others said, I would drop the dreamfeeds. Whenever we did that, it totally screwed up their night. Mine do better without them.

Good luck!

 

Mine are 29 months are STILL NOT SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Whether your twins STTN or not is NOT indicative of how good a mother you are! I know for me it relieved a lot of stress to finally understand that and stop trying so hard to MAKE it happen. That said, for my sanity sake, DH took the first feed of the night so that I could sleep for 6hrs straight. The kiddos went down at 6-7pm and I went down at 8Pm and they woke up between 10-11pm and DH took that feed and then I took the rest. Just having those six hours really helped a lot. Sleep deprivation is a killer!

 

Like the others said..I would also drop the dream feeds.

Also, I just have to say that I think your expectations of them sleeping through the night are maybe a bit too high. They are still pretty young! I think babies sleep through the night when they are ready to. Some take a bit longer unfortunately. My daughter slept through the night very early (with no help from us). My boys are not even close to sleeping through the night and they are terrible nappers on top of it. I understand the sleep deprivation but I don't have to go to work the next day. If you can sleep in shifts like some of the others suggested that might help.
I hope they do it soon for you. :love0028:

 

Thanks so much to everyone for your responses. I feel so much better now.

As if I don't have my handsful already, I just found out my DD has to start going to speech therapy, so I started to think that maybe she doesn't speak well because I don't spend enough time with her. Plus I feel guilty because I don't have time for things like reading those developing baby books...and I haven't done their photo albums or filled out those books that you record their milestones in. I think about them, I just don't have time. I've got a bag full of scrapbooking supplies in the closet...I think it's been there almost a year now.

I need Martha Stewart and Super Nanny to come stay at my house - just for a week or two - how nice that would be.

 

I agree with dropping the dream feeds. We tried that a while back and it completely backfired on us. I did learn that when they wake it is easier to feed them and let them go right back to sleep. Then eventually they stopped waking. DD will wake here and there but not to eat, just a paci or lovey situation. BUT even when they start sttn, there will be times when they don't (teething, sickness and growth spurts). GL sounds like sleeping in shifts may be a good thing to try out and see how it works.

 

(((HUGS))) Sleep deprivation is the worst. You are a good mommy and unfortunately your babies may not be ready. Having said that I'll tell you what worked for us. I can't pinpoint exactly what worked as we kind of changed a bunch of things around at once and lucked out. And I truly mean LUCKED OUT.

For 3+ months we would put them down around 8:30 PM, did a dreamfeed around 11 PM before we went to bed, when one would wake up between 2-4 AM we would always feed the other one (and it was never the same one that was waking up), then up around 5-6 AM. I went back to work at 3.5 months and the first week was okay. I was tired, but it was doable. However, I did read a lot on this board on what others did and tried to institute a bunch of ideas at once. I was afraid to give up the dreamfeed and even more afraid to not feed the baby that didn't wake in the middle of night. I thought I'd be more sleep deprived. BUT ... anything is worth trying.

So we first gave up the dreamfeed and moved their bedtime back to 7AM. We also decided to stop waking the sleeping baby in the middle of the night. The first 2-3 nights were rough. I won't lie. We were used to our "schedule" and this was almost harder. So one would wake around 2 and the next one around 3. Ugh! But after about a few nights one started sleeping through the night (and you know for the life of me I don't remember which one it was! i'm thinking my daughter). Then 1-2 nights the later the other one slept through the night. I haven't given either of them a bottle in the middle of the night since the beginning of January when we did this. My son occasionally woke up in the middle of the night and just wanted to be comforted. A few times he ended up in bed with us.

So in a nutshell:
- give up the dreamfeeds
- put to bed between 6-7 pm
- don't wake the sleeping baby

I can't say it will work. I do believe that sometimes babies are ready and sometimes they aren't. But it might be worth a shot for a week. You may be more sleep deprived and want to give in, but I think you need to give it a week to be sure.

At our house we're struggling with naps. My son FIGHTS it. I don't understand how a child that sleeps so well at night fights it all day. And he needs it because he's cranky. It's so frustrating. Also, they still eat every 3 hours without fail. I hear others talk about being on a 4+ hour schedule and it just doesn't work for us. I think it's because they are STTN and need the calories during the day.

 

I really hope they start sleeping better for you soon. Please never feel bad about writing on this board-- we are all here for you if you need to just let it out... or ask for help... or whatever the case may be. We have all been there. Last night, I was there all over again. Someone was awake every half hour all night long. I hope that doesn't make you feel more upset... I think I have particularly bad sleepers. Just know that you are not alone and we are all here to support you. I wish I had a magic formula for sleep, but alas I can only offer some :love0028:.

 

I am in the same boat as you, in fact I could have written your post! Except my DH is gone several nights a week, so I am solo for the night feeds most of the time. I am exhausted and its really starting to take its toll. I am going to try some of the tips pp wrote....something has got to give! I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Just a few weeks ago I hit a major wall after having slept about 1-3 hours for 2 nights in a row. I think most of us have either been there or are there! You're definitely not whining either ... raising newborn twins is not an easy thing.

It sounds like you have gotten some wonderful advice already. Also, IMHO you're doing all the right things. Honestly, I think a lot of this STTN stuff is so dependent on the individual baby. I now have one that miraculously out of nowhere recently started STTN (please let that give you hope as she was waking every 3 hours until 2 weeks ago!). My other one is a whole other story and I'm trying the exact same things to get them both to nap/sleep.

BTW, I agree with some of the others and I would probably also drop the dream feeds. Please know that we're all here for you and can empathize with how you're feeling. You're a wonderful mother so never doubt that!!

 

i feel like we go through the same thing with the girls.... we try something "new" and it works the first time, but then they're always back to waking up two or three times at night... i feel like its some crazy cycle (or practical joke they're playing on us).... but you just have to keep reminding yourself that this will eventually pass.

i totally agree with the shifts thing. you guys should try it and see how it works for you. getting a decent block of sleep makes EVERYTHING ELSE totally do-able. if you have anyone at all that you trust and can help you guys,... when you feel like you might lose it, as them to come over and take care of the babies for like 5 hours or so, so you guys can get some uninterrupted sleep.

sending you LOTS of good & sleepy vibes. <3 you guys (we all) will get through this.