Need encouragement and maybe some advice!

I hope all of this makes sense, but I am completely exhausted and frustrated! My little Livi will NOT sleep! I just don't know what to do anymore. I am completely exhausted and have become so frustrated that I have to just leave the room and let them cry because I can't take it anymore. They are great and I love them, but I am at the end of my rope. I'm getting less sleep than I was when they were first born.

Ava is a pretty good night sleeper. I have to get up and put her binky in about 5 times a night. Her napping definitely needs work. Olivia just won't sleep. I put her down around 6:30, right after her bath and bottle. She'll sleep for about 30-40 mins and then she wakes up crying, and will not stop until I pick her up and rock her. She does this all night long EVERY night and during naps too. I have tried tylenol, orajel, teething tabs, bottle, gas drops, diaper changes, EVERYTHING! I don't know what to do.

I got up VERY frustrated this morning. I needed to go to the library and the pharmacy so I asked my MIL if she could come over and watch them for a few minutes, since she was off work, so I could run and do this. I made sure they were napping when she came over. She knows how much trouble I've been having with them and she could see how tired I was. When I came back from running my errands(it took about 20 mins)she says, "I am so tired, I think I'm going to go home and take a nap." I'm thinking, really, YOU'RE tired! Then the girls both start crying and she just leaves! No offer to help, no offer to let ME take a nap, nothing. I don't expect anyone to help me but I'm so tired of doing this all on my own. Nobody cares that I am completely exhausted or that I need help. They just go about their business. All my MIL says is "oh, I had that with my oldest." Umm, no you didn't because you only had one. I have no one to talk to and no one understands what I'm going through. My dh gets home at 4:30 and by the time he takes his shower, it's time to start their baths and bedtime bottle, which he does help with, but that is about all the interaction he has with them.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I'm just exhausted and lonely and tired of screaming kids. Thanks for listening. If you have any advice, I would love to hear it.

By the way, Livi has reflux, but her crib is elevated and she is on the highest dose of zantac she can take for her weight. So I know that isn't it.

 

Hi there!!!

First off, :youcandoit: :grouphug:

My twins are just over 7 months and I am still thinking on a daily basis that THIS IS HARD!
It does get easier in some ways or I should say it gets different as they move through stages but there are no doubts about it, THIS IS REALLY REALLY HARD.

I just want you to know that you are not alone. I feel on daily basis isolated b/c all the other moms of singletons are out and about but I can't on my own. They go to play groups or whatever and I just haven't been able to make that connection with other moms yet b/c we are just getting into more of a schedule.

Two things stand out from your post: 1) about Reflux- Zantac doesn't always work. IN factI noticed that it made my DS better at first and then A LOT WORSE. My pedi confirmed that in some kids Zantac makes reflux symptoms WORSE. So after reading about this on this forum, I asked the doc to switch Noah to Prevacid and we've been doing A LOT better ever since. He's a new kid. He still spits up A LOT but he's not in pain, he can lay flat and he sleeps MUCH better. Get your daughter switched ASAP.

2) YOU NEED HELP. I don't know what you're $$ situation is like but is it possible for you to get a mothers helper during the day? Or even a night nurse for 1 night a week just to give you a break? Is your MIL the type of person you could talk to? She doesn't seem to be very insightful from what you wrote but if she is so insensitive, perhaps you could talk to DH and get her to make some comments to her? FInally, talk to DH and tell him how you feel. That you need a break and although you appreciate his help, it's not enough. Make a deal to have him do one night shift a week or the early evening (i.e. 7-1am) so you can sleep. That really worked for me, my DH still went to work in the am but this allowed me to relax a bit and sleep several hours consecutively.

About your other DD, I don't know what to say except maybe crying it out. I am no expert b/c my DD is driving me nuts by waking up and babbling for 3 hours at night. She's not crying but rolling around and playing. If I figure something out, I'll let you know


PM me if you ever need support but hang in there.

Anna

 

BTDT. Major hugs.

Number one: Sleep deprivation is a killer.
Number two: MIL's NEVER GET IT!!

Is there a high school kid in your neighborhood that maybe you can hire to come over a couple of afternoons a week to give you a hand? How about a church group or something that you might be able to tap into? Do you know of any other moms in your area that you can get to know? Or, just post alot on here. We are all or have been in your shoes.

I would take her back to the Ped and see if you can switch to the Prevacid like the pp suggested. We did 7 days on Zantac and it did nothing for my boys. Once we switched to Prevacid, I would say within 24 hours they we almost new babies. And we switched them to Alimentum-hypoallergenic formula. I think those 2 things are worth investigating for your dd. She could have a milk protein intolerance that is undetected and making her miserable.

Hang in there. You can do this. :grouphug:

 

The PPs made great suggestions.. just wanted to chime in that you are definitely not alone. Until you sort out sleep schedules life is just all around hard. The newborn days were a snap to me.. it's when they started being awake in between feedings and their requirements changed that was really difficult.

I would talk to your husband about the situation and see what he can do to help; this might mean talking to MIL about helping out more effectively, maybe getting up a bit earlier to help with the morning feed, making sure you're set up for the day with bottles and laundry etc. I always found that if someone else could take care of more of the little things I could deal with the bigger things better. And yes, I 100% agree that you need real help. Unfortunately family is not always the best choice for this.. if you can, hire someone and consider it an investment in your own sanity. :grouphug:

You're not alone, we've all been there and it's so much harder than having just one baby.

 

Do you think maybe they might have colic?? That would disrupt sleep and cause lots and lots of crying. I don't know, just something to ask about at your next appointment.

When my boys had colic I took a controversial approach and let them CIO but not to the point of extreme crying. Eventually they stopped doing that and became the best little sleepers without problems and slept nicely throughout the entire night. This probably doesn't work for everyone and is pretty controversial but it worked for us and now they truly do sleep like babies!

Hang in there, things will get better and eventually you'll be getting more sleep for longer time frames. It just takes time.

I know playing lullaby cd's or ambient noise helped them a lot to get to sleep. If they wake up crying for more than a minute or two without stopping we will go in and burp them, rock them and soothe them back to sleep and all is well again. We don't have to use pacifiers or anything. They do suck their thumbs though

Good luck!

 

Has it been any better the last few days? Is there a way you and dh could sleep in shifts? I know when we were sleep deprived, we started to sleep in shifts, that way we both got a nice chunk of sleep. I didn't feel like a complete zombie!

I think if I were you(easy for me to say now...), I would just flat out ask for some help. If MIL comes over-ask her to watch them for 30 minutes(which will seem like hours), so you can SLEEP. Happy Mommy=happy babies!

Have you tried swaddling? Is she sleeping on her back? You could try sleeping on her tummy... I know Anthony one night REFUSED to sleep and I was constantly going in there. So finally I threw my hands in the air and put him on his stomach. He was instantly asleep. He was around four months old or so.

Oh, and we also have noise machines in their room as well.

:hug: I know it's not easy. But there is an end in sight. We've all btdt, so feel free to vent-and keep us posted!

 

Thanks for all the advice, but we've pretty much tried everything. She is on Alimentum formula and I called my ped and he just keeps telling me to put more cereal in her bottles. She's up to 1 tbs. of rice cereal per bottle, plus I spoon feed her 1 tbs. of rice mixed with fruit twice a day. It worries me because it seems the more cereal I add the less formula she wants.

She sleeps swaddled on her side, and if she rolls to her back she immediately wakes up screaming. I have a noise machine in their room also. DH is not very supportive when it comes to lack of sleep. Taking care of the girls is my job and he has his job. I do understand that but I just get so exhausted and overwhelmed sometimes.

We can't afford to hire anyone to come in and help us. We are just getting by right now and we have WIC. I don't know what we would do if we had to pay for formula! We just weren't prepared to have twins!

My MIL offered to keep them overnight last nigh, thank goodness! I actually got sleep. But, when I got there in the morning she said they slept from 6:30 to 6:30 without a wake up :headbang: ! I can't believe it! So, it's just me they won't sleep for. I think one of my problems is that I go to them immediately when they wake up instead of letting them fuss a few minutes. But it's just so hard to hear them cry! Thanks for the support and suggestions. I hope it gets better soon!

 

My husband had this attitude for a long time too. On one hand, I 'get' it because he had to be functional for work, but on the other.. you can't be expected to be at your job 24/7. And it IS his part time job because he's the dad and he has responsibilities too. I would definitely talk to him about how run down you are and hopefully he realizes and helps you make some changes :grouphug:

I am very glad you got some sleep last night

 

I wouldn't worry as long as she continues to gain weight and meet her growth marks. How many ounces are in each bottle?

Does your husband know my husband...lol. They share similar beliefs. My Dad put it this way as he has had the experience of being a single father taking care of a young daughter, me. After his experience in single parenthood he understands now how difficult it is but he told me something that hit home and seems to ring true...he told me that no man will ever know just how demanding and hard it is to be the primary care giver to your children. Their mentality is that since it doesn't bring home monetary income it doesn't count and that we, as stay at home Moms, have ALL this free time to make sure the house gets cleaned, the laundry done, the dishes put away and dinner on the table when they walk in the door all while taking care of not one but TWO or more babies of the same age. He then went on to tell me that the only way, in his experience, to change this mentality was to put the Dad in the driver seat and have him take over the responsibilities that we as Mom's have and then and only then will they really realizes just how hard we work and while it's not as physically demanding as a lot of the jobs our husbands do it's emotional and physically draining taking every bit of energy to reel in that wanting to scream out of frustration and the stress of dealing with taking care of multiple kids at once, especially if they have feeding issues like mine did. It's not as physically demanding but my god is it every mentally exhausting and on SOOOOOO many different levels. It just wares us out completely draining us and for me taking away what little memory I have left since everyday just seems to blend right into the next and my "Mommy brain" prevents me from remembering the smallest of things that don't involve the kids. It's sooooo hard to get them to understand.

What worked for me, so far anyways, was to just have DH walk in on me crying one afternoon about being so overwhelmed and frustrated because I can't get anything non kid related done because he's always out doing his thing whether it be work or playing with his hobbies in the garage. I don't get a day off. Everyday I am taking care of someone or something. I think the more you just sort of drive that into him it'll get a bit better...either that or schedule an out of town spa get away with your closest gal pals for about a week and let him realize first hand just how hard it really is!

You just can't function, at least in my experience, with the mentality that your job as a Mother is 24/7 non stop without a break while the hubs works and brings home the bacon...no you need a day off too just like him. Raising kids takes help whether that's from your spouse or family/friends. If you tackle it solo non stop without help you could just go off the deep end...that's what happened to me. It's not fun. Even full time Mom's need a break at least once a week, away from the kids to do what you want to do. To be more than just a Mom...to be YOU!

Unfortunately we just missed the income guidelines for WIC but there is a program down here in FL called Mother's Helping Mother's. It's an organization that helps Mom's who can't afford simple things like diapers, food, wipes, car seats, clothes, etc. I don't know where we would be or how we would manage without this program. It makes me feel good too because when the boys grow out of things I donate it right back to the organization and it gives me a sense of happiness because I am able to give back and repay this organization that has kept my children clothed and fed since birth. I'm pretty sure that you can still use this program even if you are on WIC, I'm not sure but I would DEF. research it!!!

That's awesome! Do you have any friends or family that can take over a night shift once a week so you can get a full nights sleep? My DH is a fire fighter so every 3rd day it was me going solo with two extremely hard to feed babies alone for 24 hours. My Mom and her husband would come over in the middle of the night and pick up the 2am and 6sm feeds so I could get some much needed sleep a couple times a week. It made all the difference in the world!

Just try and hang in there. Soon they will be STTN and sleep won't be as much of a problem.

Hang in there!

 

Thanks again! The girls both take 4-5 bottles a day, depending on if they need a midnight feed or not. I make up 7oz bottles but usually I can only get them to take 4-6oz out of it. They are gaining, Olivia a little slower than Ava, but definitely gaining. I think Olivia is in the 35th percentile and Ava is in the 45th percentile. I guess I just worry they won't get all of the nutrients they need. I'm hoping that once they grow out of the reflux they'll eat their bottles better.

I have tried talking to DH but he just doesn't get it. I've given up hope that he will get any better and I just try to manage the best I can on my own. He refuses to be alone with them. If I have to do something, he'll keep one, but I have to take the other with me. I don't have anyone to keep them overnight on a regular basis, but my MIL will do it once or twice a month, which helps.

I appreciate all of the suggestions and encouragement!

 

Oh honey....First and foremost-you need to LEAVE both kids home with dh. He will never get it until you do. Seriously. I don't want to be mean or anything, really. But you as the main care taker need some ALONE time. Going on an errand with one child, is NOT alone time. He needs to get over that fear of being alone with two babies. Really. He does. And if you keep letting him get away with it(I know-you probably, and rightly so, don't want to have to deal with the third child...), he'll do it forever. You really need to do something for yourself and get away. Even if it's for two hours ALONE. He will get it. He has no choice. Why is it fair for him to go off SOLO into the garage and do what HE wants, why you take care of the kids on your own. When is your SOLO trip doing what YOU want? Lay down the law. Seriously.

It's one thing that annoys me about parenting. When one is afraid to be with their children, or more than one I should say. I know, I'm lucky because dh has taken on both boys at the same time from the get-go. And that's with NO baby experience prior. And when Annabella was born, he was the same way. Never worried. He just did it(19 month difference). I don't know. Maybe because he "got it" or maybe it was because he knew I needed a break. There were days I was going to lose it. I had to get out. It was best for all of us. I was going to lose my _____!

I can't stress enough, he needs to be alone with those babies. He needs to get over that fear. And you need your time. It's essential. As an outsider looking in, it's not going to get easier. I'd hate for you to resent him because you do everything. Granted I know there are other families out there who have it harder. But you have a dh who is there. It's time he actually shows up. Again-I am not trying to be mean to him/your relationship. I just wish he would understand what it's like to be on top of everything all.the.time. It's no easy task, and I feel like he's taking it for granted.

Oh, and to me, 7oz is a lot of bottle to be taking at 4 months. If they are taking 5 bottles/day with 6oz, that's 30 ounces/day. At six months, it should be between 24-32 ounces, depending on solid intake. I would aim for at least 24 ounces/day.

Glad you got some sleep!!!

 

I would still see if you can investigate the Prevacid. It really might be worth it in the end if it helps them, it helps you. :hug:

Umm, does he get a lunch break/and break at his job? I am guessing the answer is yes. Does he get a car ride home with no kids? I am guessing the answer is yes. Where is your break? Where do you get to take care of yourself? If you dont get to take care of yourself, you cant take care of the kids or the house the way it should be done. I think you can take some baby steps to break him in. Get both of the babies to sleep and then leave whether during a nap or at bedtime. That way they will either sleep the whole time or one might only wake up. Then once he has some confidence, leave for a longer period of time.

Or you can just go cold turkey. They may cry a bit, but that is okay. We all have to learn at some point unless you got the manual that the rest of us didnt

 

I could NOT agree more. It's amazing the difference it makes with your partner or spouse when they are the ones taking care of the kids all day and dealing with the struggles that go along with it and how hard it is to get out of the house and go shopping with TWO newborns (or in my case toddlers).

It's amazing, my Dad who has two children from two different wives that ended in divorce. With his first marriage he had a son who is now in his 40s. Then he met my Mom who helped him raise my brother and then whoopsie out I came 16 years younger than my brother with my Mom. Well, that ended BADLY and custody was split. One week with Dad, one with Mom. Basically my Dad was FORCED to learn how hard it is to raise a child and all the work that it entails. Without that experience he would have gone through life thinking what he says every other male thinks...if the job doesn't bring home any spendable income it's not work, it's a vacation. His tune changed DRAMATICALLY having to take care of me on his own from age 7 to 16 when I choose to live with my Mom full time. He now has GREAT respect and knows first hand what us SAHM's go through and completely understands our stressors and breaking points. He told me that the only way my DH would learn how hard it is and how much work I do around here he would probably not even last 1 week before saying "I give up". So do this, it seriously has AMAZING results!!!

I don't know how many of this exact same argument I have had with my DH. Often times I find myself resenting him for thinking that what I do as a SAHM is some how less stressful than working full time and how he is so stressed from work that on his two days off he wants to do "his thing" thus avoiding/ignoring me and the kids for the majority of the day/night and yet I am on call literally 24/7 without ANY breaks. We actually got into it the other day because I have been sick and he's had to take care of the kids because I couldn't do it. He called my from work one evening and was complaining how he's been working non stop with his job and coming home and taking care of the kids and not being able to get "his" chores done (i.e. lawns, working on his hobbie in the garage for hours) that he needs and is taking the next 2 days to do what HE wants to do, basically saying there is no way in hell I'm doing anything to care for the kids OR pick up after myself (which he doesn't do anyway!). Oh I got FURIOUS!!!!!!! I basically just reamed him a new butthole telling him how dare he call me being sick "a break from taking care of everyone". I told him that a break means you are doing something you ENJOY, that takes your mind off of stress AND makes you feel good and being sick is in NO way a break. He didn't have anything to say about that just that "You're sick all the time so I'm constantly taking care of you and the kids", to which my response was (in my head anyways) "well now you know how I feel" but what came out was "what the hell do you think I've been doing for the past 12 months 24/7 and did it ever occur to you that perhaps the reason I get sick a lot is because I have pushed my bodies limit with the lack of sleep, the stress of the kids and picking up after everyone in this house?" Once again, he got silent. He has always been one of those guys that thinks because this SAHM business isn't work, it's a vacation. There is no monetary benefit from doing it and it's not "hard" (yes, he said that). It's not physically demanding meaning I have NOTHING to complain or stress about. UGH! The nerve!!!

Basically it ended with me being highly aggitated with his incredibly demeaning and insulting comments. I'm not sure if any of this drove home the point but it was a start.

The sooner you get this under wraps and at least start the process of understanding what all it is you do with the kids and how little time there is for you and how little you get to be WITHOUT the kids for some you time so you can keep your cool, the better!

 

First, don't be sorry for any ranting. We welcome all stories here. I know I am coming in late on this topic and I didn't read the previous posts but I wanted to first say I am sorry you are struggling. I was wondering if you might suspect a dairy intolerance at all? One of my DDs struggled until I went 100% dairy free and that was the ticket. She had silent reflux but after Zantac did not work the pedi said I could go into more medications or first try dairy free. But it was hard! I decided to try though and it made all the difference. I could calm her by rocking her too but she was sitting up more and the swaying motion is very calming for them. And I wouldn't pass over the fact that reflux is not it. I know many mothers who moved to other medications because Zantac did zip for them. Maybe someone else can chime in with their story. I think it is Prevacid that people have raved about after Zantac not working. Just a thought. I know you must be so exhausted. Have you tried sleeping her perhaps in a swing also?

 

That's what our ped AND GI specialist suspected with my two once the reflux meds work not working AT ALL. We ended up switching to Soy, that didn't work. Then we went to Similac Alimentum and that didn't work, Enfamil Soy, Enfamil Alimentum - no change, and a super hypo-allergenic formula to treat both milk protein allergies and eczema (I tried googling it to find the name of it but couldn't find it - it's sold through the manufacturer only, still no change.

Our GI specialist recommended that we do an endoscope to check the throat and stomach region and did a 24 hour long study monitoring the feeds. Everything came back completely normal with NO signs of reflux. Basically they had no explanation or idea why our boys were projectile vomiting and refusing bottles. I then later demanded a test to determine if there actually was a milk protein allergy, turns out there wasn't.

So I guess it just depends on your child's reaction to the changes you make to help ease whatever is causing the problems.

DEFINITELY follow your GI's suggestions though and if what he/she suggests that doesn't work demand that they work harder.

 

YES!YES! YES! Each week, once, I go out by myself for several hours. ALL BY MYSELF. It is just refreshing. The first time, DH realized just how exhausting two babies are and he didn't even have to prepare the bottles cause I left place andeverything prepared for him!

Two babies is hard. It is ok to put them in a safe place and let them cry for a few minutes. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of them. So if you need that cup of coffee, shower or whatever, do it and don't feel bad.

I'm sorry Alimentum didn't work for you. I hope you can find some meds that too.

 

Thanks everyone. I'm taking them back to the ped this week because Live is now totally refusing at least one bottle a day, which means she is only getting about 18oz of formula a day. On top of all of the projectile vomiting. I have started feeding them baby food, which I think is helping the vomiting a bit.

As far as DH, he won't do it and I get sick of fighting with him. It's like he is afraid or something. I am just learning to deal with it. Luckily my mom kept them this past weekend for me so I could get a little r&r. It helped ALOT! I do appreciate all of the support and advice. My dh is just very hard headed and can't handle infants. I'm hoping it will get better as they get older.
:thanks: to everyone who commented! I honestly don't know what I would do without the support of all of the wonderful people on this forum!

 

You know, I just wanted to say that although unfortunate your DH's fear of handling two infants means him never keeping them alone, some men just are not "baby" men if that makes sense. It sounds like you have tried and are now coming to terms with that and dealing with it. I just wanted to say we find out things about DH's and ourselves through this motherhood process, and reasonable acceptance is important for relationships. Just make sure he is doing some housework! LOL. They will most likely be best buds as they get older and less fragile.